A Reflection of Addiction
April 23rd, 2008 |By Patti Desert, LCSW
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When the news broke about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s alleged involvement with a prostitute the nation was inundated with newspaper reports expressing shock and confusion. Politicians, corporate executives, and various other pundits were outraged by Spitzer’s behavior? And healthcare providers began scratching their heads at the apparent level of ignorance about addictive behavior that these responses demonstrated.
In fact, Spitzer’s behavior is a classic reflection of a particular kind of addiction known as sex addiction.
In the addictions recovery field providers refer to the “insanity” of the addict. They define this as a way of thinking that compels the addict to continually make choices harmful to self and others yet denying consciously or unconsciously to self that such choices will have any significantly negative impact. In Spitzer’s case he continually made choices despite the enormous risks involved– risks that included divorce, alienation from children, loss of employment, legal charges, disease, blackmail, and personal humiliation.
Obviously from the news this kind of behavior now confounds many people. They do not understand what propels a person to act so irresponsibly that he ends up egregiously hurting self and loved ones. Many are casting criticisms, judgment and expressions of glee with no understanding or interest that Spitzer’s behavior reflects a deeply painful and unmanageable internal state of being very likely driven by formative experiences that compromised a healthy sense of self and others.
Such a painful state is at the root of sexual addiction. Healthy individuals need to feel a positive sense of connection with self and to know that they are able to manage their lives. Our ability to experience this grows out of our interactions throughout childhood with our primary caretakers and are shaped by the extent to which we experience a sense of safety, a sense of feeling loveable, and a sense of feeling competent.
When we do not have enough of these experiences growing up we become adults who suffer a host of problems that include negative beliefs about ourselves, a generalized state of anxiety and/or depression, feelings of grandiosity, loneliness, a need to please or be pleased, and a need to dominate or be dominated. A pervasive sense of inadequacy is central to these states and addiction is a means to manage the pain of it.
The seeming effectiveness of sexually addictive behavior to ameliorate such intense pain lies in the emotional shift that occurs. The sexual behavior triggers a mood-altering state that gives the addict temporary relief from emotional pain and a euphoric sense of excitement. And in the case of prostitution, the male or female prostitute is simply a means by which the addict can experience the excitement, sense of power, and the feeling of connection that he is otherwise unable to experience in his life.
Governor Spitzer has an opportunity now to be curious about his choices, to recognize how little healthy power he demonstrated over his behavior, and to seek out understanding and help with making healthier choices in the future. These are the critical first steps for all those painfully caught up in sexual addiction. To do so offers profound and deeply healing experiences that lead to compassionate understanding and forgiveness, a world full of loving friends and family, and a life robustly lived with grace and dignity.
©Copyright 2008 by Patti Desert, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
April 24th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Every time I have considered this case, even as a man, I have scratched my head as well. Why in the world would someone who seemingly has it all give it up for a high priced prostitute? Is this what now qualifies as sex addiction?
April 26th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Great post! Like me, I think, you work with children. Would you agree that giving them the resources to combat addiction in later life means giving them–as both parents and concerned adults in the community–”a sense of safety, a sense of feeling lovable, and a sense of feeling competent” (mastery)? So very important for parents to do. Also I think that when people are condemned for negative behaviors, we therapists and responsible citizens can promote listening, understanding, and forgiveness by inviting the critics to contemplate the suffering that gave rise to the behaviors in the first place. Speaking about people on Death Row, Sister Helen Prejean once remarked, “Everyone is more than the worst thing he has ever done in his life.” I think the observation applies to stigmatized addicts as well.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:27 am
I do feel that parents have that responsibility to their children- to love and care for them and let them know a sense of security. I also feel that it is up to us as a whole society to provide this for others- in our neighborhood, our church, schools, etc. It still just baffles me that this man who seemed to have it all would give it all up for a few nights with a young woman who obviously is attractive but could never give him the years and stability and family that he had with his own wife.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:29 am
This type of sexual addiction is more prevalent and common than many of us realize. I think for some it is not about the sex but about being able to get away with something and not getting caught. Obviously this did not work in Spitzer’s case this time.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I was involved for a very long time with a man who exhibited these classic signs of sexual addiction. It is not just about wanting sex all of the time- it is about using it as a manipulator and as a way to control every situation. That is how he felt the most in control of things when that was so far from the actual truth. This can be a very painful experience to endure and should make all of us open our eyes a little wider to these problems.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Carolyn I am so sorry that you had to experience this. But I think that a lot of this boils down to the selfishness of others. I think Spitzer feels entitled to these things and in the end had to end up making a fool of himslef before hopefully realizing that he needs help.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:41 am
It must be very tough to seek help for this type of sexual addiction problem. How do you even know where to begin? There is such a stigma attached to this. So while I do not think that the behavior of the governor is right I do think we need to have compassion for others and hope for the best with his treatment process.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:43 am
You make a very valid point, but one that is still a little hard for me to swallow. I often wonder what his wife has to be thinking and feeling after all these years of marriage and everything she gave up to go with him to the governor’s office. maybe someone should present an article about why these wives always seem to find it within themselves to stand by their man. That would be an interesting case study.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Don’t you know that this enhtire family has to be feeling pulled apart because of his actions? How must he feel knowing the pain and embarassment he has caused for them?
April 30th, 2008 at 6:57 am
Well he certainly can’t feel good about it. He lost his job, the trust of his family, and the respect of the people of the state where he lives. He has nowhere to go but up, and I think that we have to support he as well as others who are encountering these same types of situations. it is not up to us to pass judgement, but to make sure that the right resources are out there for he and those like him to seek and receive the help they need.
September 20th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Sex addiction is real, and it causes people to do things they will regret for the rest of their lives. I know this because I am one of them. I have a steady girlfriend / now fiance, and I went through a stage in my life where I had a handful of sexual encounters, one of them being a prostitute.
The grief and remorse are overbearing, enough so that I came clean and told my partner of 7 years, who I am still with today.
At this point all I can pray for is forgiveness and understanding, as well as the protection of my partner that she can trust me fully again. That is all…