Blogging on Good Therapy

by David Walton Earle, LPC

Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Why was the TV show, Seinfeld so popular? A sitcom that was self declared about “nothing’ yet so funny, why? In the episodes, the characters never said what they really meant, were emotionally dishonest, and often played head games. Could it be the reality was life-like and in its exaggerated form, we laugh at ourselves? Was Jerry and company’s coping skills really working for them or is there a better way?

Have you ever been so mad at your employer that you did something to get even? Being late for a meeting, talking about them behind their back, being overly critical, not doing your best, spreading gossip, or taking extended lunch breaks; these are example of acting-out behavior. Where does this behavior originate and what can management do about it?

During times of conflict, there are several methods of expression; such as being aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. Some of these behaviors destroy relationships; only one style strengthens them; suitable for personal as well as work place environments.

Aggressive is the attack mode; it is in your face attitude either physically or emotionally. War is aggressive behavior where the causalities are deadly, but in relationships, the wounds are emotional. In the aggressive mode, the intent is to win at all costs and the price of victory is calculated after the battle when the bodies are counted or in the hollow distance of an emotional wound.

Battles like this happen every day in war-torn countries. Although not as bloody, emotional wounds occur on jobsites where managers control with power, bending others to their will. The command and control style of leadership is a lot about having a winner and a loser, where management thinks aggressiveness is the key to effectiveness.

On Friday night’s high school football game, you have witnessed the fear in a young football player’s face who knows he has incurred the displeasure of his intimidating coach as he slowly trots back to the bench after missing the tackle that allowed the other team to score. He knows of the tirade of condemnation that follows such transgressions and emotionally braces for the onslaught.

When faced with aggressive managers, employees may respond in a variety of ways. Some employees become passive and adopt the attitude of “whatever”. They learn how to do what the boss wants, just enough to escape the wrath they have grown accustom. Out of fear, they do their job with quiet resignation, being careful not to incur the attention of the supervisor and the resulting hot breath of commendation.

Are these employees productive? Yes, fear can be a fearsome motivator! During WWII the Nazis were very successful in using fear to obtain considerable production from slave labor. Are passive employees the most productive? Is this style effective in the long run?

Another response is similar to passive but with subtle aggressive component called “passive-aggressive” behavior. Here employees do not directly retaliate in obvious ways but “get even” by sneaky and less apparent counterattacks. Using this behavior pattern, employees adopt just enough speed to get by. During my command and control days, I asked one of my employees if he had another speed. He responded with, “Yeah, but you don’t want to see that one!”

Some employees respond passive-aggressively by stealing, spreading rumors, mocking the supervisor behind her back, or subtle body language such as the rolling of the eyes, deep sighs, or shuffling off to complete the assignment. These are all indirect ways of self-expression and designed to balance their perceived lack of power.

I once worked at an office that had only one bathroom that both men and women used. When I first went to work there, the office manager’s pet peeve was the commode seats; she hated to walk into the bathroom and see the commode seats up. She requested that I remember to lower them. For three years, I did a great job of lowering commode seats after use; I was proud of my ability and record of compliance.

One day as I was leaving the bathroom, the commode seats were left up and my normal behavior was to return and lower them. This day, I was mad at the office manager, “I’m not lowering those seats ever again”, I said to myself, “In fact, when someone else uses this bathroom, I’ll go in after them and raise the commode seats. I’ll show her!” Can’t you see this as major plot on the Seinfeld show?

It was at this moment I remembered a great little sentence, “If you do not speak it out, you’ll act it out.” I knew then I had to lower the commodes seats and go into her office and talk it out with her. The need to lift the commode seats was classic passive aggressive-behavior. Talking with her directly was the final behavior style called “assertive”. Direct communication was lacking with the friends of Jerry Seinfeld.

Standing up for oneself in an appropriate manner and speaking about the problem in clear and direct communication is a behavioral style called assertive. People who adopt this behavioral style do not have to play the passive aggressive game. Because of past learning, it is much easier to be indirect and play Seinfeld type games than to be direct and honest. Learning to be assertive requires awareness, practice, and most of all courage.

What works best? Is aggressive behavior the best option as in “Nazi-nurturing”? How about being passive and giving others complete control, or would raising commode seats work best? Would Jerry’s passive aggressive style of indirect communication improve productivity? Having a work environment dedicated to honest, direct, and non-attacking communication increases production and retains workers; the bad alternative is raising commode seats!

©Copyright 2008 by David Walton Earle, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 7:48 pm and is filed under Self Care & Healthy Living. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.