Single Parents and Security Blankets
March 16th, 2008 |by Mitchell Milch, LCSW
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Among other things, a good marriage is a salve against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. It is also a shelter from the storm of Murphy’s Law and, a safe haven of mutual support and security where we insulate ourselves from the impersonal and frightening unknowns of life as we chart our courses toward the future. Marriage is the quintessential security blanket in that it makes real the illusion that we are important and special and thus, will be cared for until death do us part. So, we venture out into a world of exciting and frightening tomorrows armed with a protective mantra, “No matter what happens everything will be alright.”
In my private practice I have observed how marital crises that eventuate in separation and divorce rip these security blankets to pieces. In best cases, the loss of a spouse may for several years leave us at least, on occasion to re-experience ourselves as young children separated from our mothers minus our security blankets. Thus we can feel ill equipped to care for ourselves let alone to take on added responsibilities as a single parent.
The dangers of not creating adequate support systems for ourselves is that we may unwittingly project our insecurities onto our children and/or wear these insecurities on our sleeves so that our children get the message: ”Please comfort mommy and daddy.” The former pitfall may instill in our children the belief that the world of relationships outside the parent-child unit are dangerous and to be avoided. The latter may turn our children into our own security blankets and overwhelm them with obligatory responsibility to assuage our fears and insecurities. In either case, the inevitable outcome is that our children will be wracked by conflict over establishing separate identities from us and moving out into the world.
To avoid falling into this trap I recommend that we develop trusted, single parent support systems whose functions will be naturally internalized over time as the seismic shocks of separation and divorce subside. This way we can learn that we are not alone, these problems are universal and finally, there is hope in building bonds to others who may guide us on the road to new and satisfying lives with our kids.
©Copyright 2008 by Mitchell Milch, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
March 18th, 2008 at 6:15 am
“Among other things, a good marriage is a salve against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”
A very interesting sentence, but what does it mean?
March 18th, 2008 at 6:18 am
As someone who works with children, I do want to wave a caution flag here. I work with a lot of children who are the product of divorce. If a single parent makes bonds with people in a very careful, selective way, children definitely benefit. But, when single parents try to bond with multiple people of the opposite sex in a random fashion and in quick succession, children suffer. When seeking outside support, single parents should keep the support away from their children until they find people (both male and female) who will be good influences on their children.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:20 am
I had the experience of taking care of my four year old while my husband was out of the country for seven weeks. It was a time of great reflection on what the lives of single moms must be like. I can certainly agree that if I hadn’t had a great support system during that time, I would have not faired as well.
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I do sometimes think that marriage has left me incapable of making decisions on my own anymore. I used to love to do things like go shopping and browse, but now I feel compelled to have my spouse with me no matter what I do. It is not like I need to know what he or she is doing all of the time, but it is just that security of having someone familiar with me. This hits the nail right on the head for me!
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Marriage is a security blanket for some, but not for those who are in a strong and secure relationship. Those who have a loving committment with a spouse will not be belittled by it but will actually flourish and grow.
June 30th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Very true but there are times when some know no other way but to depend on someone else and use them for security. And then what happens when that relationship falls apart? They have no idea how to handle the consequences of that.