Blogging on Good Therapy

by Pamela Simmons, LPC

Click here to contact Pamela and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

It happens every week. I walk into the bathroom. There is no toilet paper on the roller. The good news is there is a new roll of toilet paper sitting right on top of the roller! Does anyone else face this dilemma? At church last Sunday, among the four of us talking, three of us are the official and only changers of the toilet paper in the house. One woman said she walked into her daughters’ bathroom and found three rolls stacked on an empty roller. Changing the toilet paper is probably the easiest of household chores, so those of us allocated that responsibility should be relieved. Instead we are annoyed. Does no one else know how to do it? Is it too much to expect that one could put a new roll of toilet paper on the roller? It’s a brainless job.
For many a mom, taking care of the home is a form of loving our families and we find joy in it. BUT—are we creating monsters of the next generation who will enter marriages expecting Hilda Housekeeper to take care of everything? Are our children and husbands blind about all we do and then cannot function when we are gone? How do we handle this? This is more than toilet paper. The issue is not the tissue. This is about the balance of power and balance of managing a home. Many couple and family fights are about chores. How do we as families address the notion of community responsibility, roles and expectations? There is a way not to do it and a way to do.

What Not to Do:

•Keep changing the toilet paper and feel increasingly resentful.
•Criticize everyone in the house for being lazy.
•Whine that you are the only one who does anything.
•Refuse to provide toilet paper.
•Get fed up, and move out.
•Ruminate about the slugs you live with and rant and rave.
•Bore your friends about your lazy family.
•Refuse to have sex.

What to Do:

•Have a respectful conversation with your husband about your interest in balancing roles and responsibilities in your home.
•Make a list of everything each of you does to contribute, along with the time and energy it takes for each of you to do the task.
•Note the things you each enjoy doing and the things you hate or resent doing.
•List the tasks that children can do and later have a family meeting around the topic.
•Give playful reminders like wrapping the doorway with toilet paper.
•Realign tasks so each of you feels good about the balance—a win/win.
•Express appreciation weekly for the things you each do for the family.
•Evaluate weekly how you each feel about the task allocation noting resentments and overwhelm.
•Brainstorm alternatives when either feels resentment.
•Get help from a professional if resentment continues.

Living with others brings a myriad of issues to us and the holidays can accentuate tensions. The challenge is to use communication and negotiation to maintain balance, appreciation, and humor in the home. If something annoys us greatly, some of the annoyance may be the imbalance. If the irritation is a very high level it may be our own history—the story we tell ourselves about the problem. That part may require help. Otherwise, we talk about it. It is only toilet paper.

©Copyright 2008 by Pamela Simmons, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pamela and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This entry was posted on Monday, March 10th, 2008 at 8:36 pm and is filed under Family Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, & Intimacy, Self Care & Healthy Living. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.