Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts
February 18th, 2008 |by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
The conversation began easily enough, “My brother is bleeding our parents into the poor house with his unending demands for money - money to support his addictions – and they don’t seem able to stop giving it to him, even though he isn’t getting any better. What can we do?”
Or we hear from the parents themselves, “How can I get my spouse to stop giving our adult daughter money she just spends on booze or drugs? Her promises are worthless and the demands endless.”
It’s not an uncommon condition. Parents are living longer, some adult children make childishness a career, and it isn’t easy to say no to a son or daughter, regardless of their age. Then add in the grandchildren, hostages held for ransom as your child essentially blackmails you into supporting their drug and/or alcohol abuse: “Give me the money or I will kill myself,” or “they will starve,” or “we’ll be on the streets,” is the implied or actual threat, yet the money does no good.
As parents you capitulate even as you destroy your own fragile financial security. You hand over cash, even though you know it’s useless, often wondering if your child’s problem is something you caused. You post bail, buy cars, pay rent, doctors’ and attorneys’ fees, and pay for treatment that they rarely see through and that usually doesn’t work even when they do. Funds intended to benefit the grandchildren disappear without benefiting anyone. The cycle continues until someone dies or there isn’t anything left to extort. It seems like the only choice.
But is it?
Though it takes toughness that’s hard to muster and support that even harder to find, there are alternatives. It means finding the courage to face the reality without being swept away by understandable emotions. Managing this means overcoming a lot of mythology.
The most destructive belief most of us have held at one time or another is that alcohol and drug abuse is an incurable disease over which the addict or alcoholic has no control. Believing this, how can any parent deny support to a sick child? This is the lever that every active drunk and junkie – and many “recovering” ones as well – use to control everyone around them: “I isn’t my fault and if you don’t give me the money I’ll die.”
The trouble is that drug and alcohol abuse, dependence, and addiction, aren’t really diseases, they’re choices – choices the alcoholic and addict made and continue to make. These choices can be unmade, but as long as you’re supporting them financially, protecting them from the consequences of their choices and behaviors, why would they change?
The answer to that is that they aren’t going to.
Most of us go though our lives wishing someone else would change. The reality is, however, that we can’t change anyone but ourselves. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it’s enough. When you change how you deal with your adult children they too are forced to change. How they change isn’t predictable, but they will change.
These reactive changes are the hard part. Initially they will probably escalate their aggressive behaviors to get you to return to the old status quo, no matter how awful that really was for everyone. That will include using their children to get to you.
And what about those grandchildren?
This is when the need for support comes in. It’s hard to stand up to the drunk or the druggie when they have no restraints on what they will say or do. Endless promises, threats, and blame will follow any interruption in the cash flow. You want to believe the promises, you succumb to the threats, or you cave in to the guilt that the blaming dredges up, no matter how real or ridiculous. But you need to stand firm.
So how do you go about doing what you know is right when everything seems stacked against you?
First it’s necessary to keep in mind what you already know: your child will bleed you dry and out onto the street before they will stop exploiting you. You also know that continuing will never benefit your grandchildren. That’s a fact. Hold onto it. Cut them off and they may in fact decide to die rather than clean up. Instead, begin to plan ways to taper off the support in return for demonstrated progress in cleaning up – and be prepared to either take on the grandchildren yourself or allow someone else to. Make arrangements or contact Child Protection or both. Explore the options.
Second, they can clean up if they are sufficiently motivated and the treatment mode is carefully chosen. That’s a bit of a problem, of course. Virtually all forms of treatment in the U.S. have success rates of less than 10% over two years. AA itself reports a 95% drop out rate in the first year, and most treatment is based on AA.
Third, it really is okay to save yourself and the rest of your family. An almost universally overlooked aspect of the relationship of older parents to adult addicted children is that the financial support actually rewards the child for their self-destructive choices and behaviors while penalizing the parents, other children, and grandchildren. What kind of nonsense is that?
So what’s a parent to do?
Remember that you don’t have to stay stuck in the insanity of the addicted child’s world. You can stay clear and not be sucked down in all of the usual “powerlessness” and “disease” model ad copy that only serves to perpetuate and justify addiction-based exploitation. Drug and alcohol abuse, dependence and addiction are a choice. Sometimes the choice makes sense, sometimes it’s accidental, and sometimes it’s crept up so gradually that no one noticed it for a long time, but it’s still a choice. So is cleaning up.
You can offer to help them sober up. It’s hard to find effective treatment, but you can look for programs with a multitude of options for clients, a diverse staff (not dominated by “recovering” individuals), aftercare that isn’t limited to attending recovery groups, and a focus on the clients strengths, interests, and future activities – not on the past, on drinking and using, or helplessness. Remember that the most common cause of relapse is a belief in powerlessness. Avoid any program that makes that belief part of their philosophy.
Start rewarding yourself and your family for achievements and accomplishments, not for destructive choices and habits and behaviors. You may not be able to keep a son or daughter from destroying themselves, but you and the rest of your family don’t have to go with them.
Finally, it’s good to get competent help in this process. You need to know, regardless of the outcome, that you have done everything possible, given every opportunity, and explored every option. The process of genuinely helping an adult child is difficult at best and outcomes, regardless of advertising copy, are very uncertain. Give yourself, your troubled child, and the rest of your family, the benefit of the best opportunities and support available.
Your addicted adult child is still an adult and will still make their own choices, one of which may be their own destruction. You can encourage and support other outcomes, but not by financing the addictive behaviors. Don’t let yourself be guilt driven, blackmailed, or intimidated into perpetuating the problem.
©Copyright 2008 by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
February 19th, 2008 at 7:09 am
As the parent of two small children, this scenario of an adult child addicted to drugs or alcohol is one of my worst nightmares. I know that hind site is 20/20, so what can parents of adult children offer in terms of advice? How can you raise healthy kids that will have the internal strength and motivation to resist caving into the temptations of drugs and alcohol?
February 19th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Yes, indeed, hind site is 20/20. But, I think just considering this threat when your children are so small is a huge first step. Research confirms for us that talking to your children from a small age about the dangers of addictive substances is key in this battle. Also, making sure they find activities they are good at that increase their self esteem is important. Also, be sure to make time for them that makes them feel special and worthwhile. The best way to combat a future addiction problem is to raise a child up so that he or she will know that there are things better than drugs and alcohol and that they are worth so much more.
February 19th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I am glad that the author has let parents off the hook when it comes to supporting an adult child who is an addict. So many parents know they should stop supporting their child, but guilt steps in and gets in the way. With blogs such as this one, hopefully parents can start to see that giving an adult child money is enabling the child and his or her addiction. Real help comes in the form of ceasing financial support. And, the author’s suggestion to call social services is a sound one. If grandparents are willing to take the grandchildren and can provide a secure home environment, they are almost certain to receive guardianship.
February 19th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I like the author’s reference to the pay off addicts receive when someone gives them money. I have had more addicts tell me they didn’t have to quit b/c they didn’t have a reason to. They were having all of their needs met while still being able to drink and drug. Sometimes, well intentioned parents can be the enemy.
February 19th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I appreciate the comments and will address these issues in up-coming posts and articles. For now, it’s very important to have accurate information and to share it with children. The best source currently available is the SUNY site “Alcohol Problems and Solutions” which can be found at www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/ It’s also important to teach responsibility for behaviors and consequences and to protect children from counter-productive programs like D.A.R.E. which have been repeatedly demonstrated to increase drug and alcohol use in adolescents.
Thanks again for the thoughts,
Mary Ellen
February 29th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
As an alcohol & drug counselor and psychotherapist who often deals with family members of people with addicitons, I found Mary Ellen’s article to contain a great deal of good sense and helpful suggestions. Realizing that we can’t change anyone’s behaviors but our own can be a giant leap forward for the codependent family member.
I would pose a two-part response to Lyle’s question about raising children who aren’t likely to become addicts. There is a genetic component to addiction, so that if there are addicts in the family (parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles), it raises the probability that a person will develop an addiciton if they use drugs or alcohol. This part can’t be helped, but it can be minimized by family members who educate their children to the propensity to addiciton in the family by such actions as telling them about relatives, not having alcohol use as a centerpiece of family gatherings, seeing family members who have successfully participated in recovery. The other significant factor in predisposing a person to an addiciton (which could be something other than drugs or alcohol) would be a sense of emptiness and the feeling that the significant people in their lives (particularly parents) cannot be counted on. This begins in infancy. No parent can meet their child’s expectation 100% of the time! (To paraphrase Donald Winnicott, a pediatrician who became a psychoanalyst, one just has to be a “good enough” parent.) But the child must have the general sense that their cries (signifying wants & needs) will be heard and responded to in usually meaningful manner. This acknowledgement & sense that the world can be trusted expands to being supported and loved for what the child is, not what the parent thinks they should be; for example, allowing the child to explore playing a musical instrument (if that’s what they express interest in) instead of insisting that they play sports.
Becoming an addict may or may not be a choice. BUT whether or not a person does something about it once they realize they are an addict, IS a choice.
March 3rd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
As Mary Ellen’s private practice partner, and sometimes co-author, I will note that the issue of addiction “running in families” should always be handled very carefully. The increased risk actually seems to be about 6%,and most of that can be explained environmentally as well as genetically, but, the self-fulfilling prophacy (and excuse) risk is very high indeed. The number one factor in relapse is a belief in “powerlessness” and anything, including a belief in unfounded genetic links increases both the likelihood of abuse and resistence to remediation.
Yes, a family history, just like a cultural history, increases risk, but this shouldn’t be exacerbated using it as justification. If anything it should reduce the excuses by warning individuals about their possible vulnerability.
And, of course, people should be equally educated with regard to the proven health benefits of moderate alcohol consumption. Everyone benefits when the demonization of alcohol ceases and realty replaces mythology. Would that more of that were happening these days.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:15 am
Dr. Wilson’s comments are very important. While there is increased risk of dependency when there is a family history of this (the genetic dimension) it is NOT a 1:1, 100% issue nor is it even like eye color. The increased risk is notable, but it is still less than 10%. In a similar vein, the general risk of schizophrenia is about 1%, but if you have schizophrenic parents, the risk goes up by a factor of ten (sounds bad), but that only means a 10% risk…and, of course, there are environmental factors to consider as well.
This is a very helpful article and an excellent blog thread.
April 2nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I am so glad to see the comments that this does not necessarily “run in families” but that it may well be more along the lines of self fulfilling prophecies. But that then turns the table on the addicts and takes away their excuse for why they do what they do.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
My grrandparents have been the victim of a shameless alcoholic family member and child of theirs, and they continue to give and give and give yet get nothing in return. How do you teach this older generation about tough love and that money in this case will never buy sobriety?
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Our late daughter became addicted to marijuana & prescribed medications.
As a child & young adult her life was full of promise.
She was involved with Scouting & many other not for profit groups. She was full of energy & idealism and worked hard to achieve graduate & post graduate degrees.
We were always careful to make sure our daughter stayed connected to the family and were mindful of the issues surrounding “enabling”.
We were helpless, the medical professionals treating our daughter would not listen (quoting privacy laws) and we slowly watched our wondeful child who had so much to give, lose control of her life & ability to make sound judgements.
She died aged 31 in 2006.
Where do the broken hearted go to be listened to?
June 4th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Dear Jill,
What a very sad story. I am so sorry for you and your family. Your loss is profound. Where to go? I’d strongly urge you to find a person you can talk with about your loss, pain, anger, and saddness.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Dear Jill,
Yours is a heartbreaking situation. Losing a child is very hard, and seeing it coming and being unable to stop it is hardest of all. I too would recommend counseling with someone experienced in both grief and cognitive behavioral therapy.
My sympathies lie with you,
Ed Wilson
July 14th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Jill,
I find your story heartbreaking, and can particularly understand your frustration in feeling helpless. My 26 year old is also addicted to narcotic pain killers, denying the problem and making frightening choices. I am also at wits end with the medical profession in that even physicians who know he has a problem continue to prescribe the drugs. When he is hospitalized, they will not communicate with us or sometimes even let us see him because of privacy laws. Thank you for sharing this-letting people know how the lack of support from the med. profession may have been contributed to your loss. Our son also was a gifted child, we knew all his friends and their families until high school when it became harder to do that. My heart goes out to you. I hope your have the support you need.
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Thanks to everyone who comments on this site.I have a 39 year old daughter in jail who has always been a very difficult person to help.Very Low frustration level, maybe ADD and a strong personality were all aided and abbeted by my broken marriage ,my immature single parenting and an absent father. I kept trying to stave off disaster by providing money because I felt she was fragile or incapable of caring for herself. I admit to all of these failures but I always loved her and misguidedly intervened too many times to save her,give her a new start etc.I know now love is not enough. I did not have the experiences or knowledge to be a good guide.
Today I fear for my own safety due to her level of rage.Yes she has made choices and yes I have not helped to guide her as she needed but what do you do when you are emotionally still a baby and you have a baby .
At this point after thousands of dollars, a horrifying intervention attempt involving a specialist and her two best friends and too many heartbreaking conversations,I feel the need to save myself and other family members .Can I be forgiven. I do not know.