Blogging on Good Therapy

by Allison Weliky, MA

Click here to contact Allison and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

1.Slow down. When you feel yourself getting angry or going into reactive energy slow yourself down and begin to get curious and to explore what is going on for you. Is your reaction actually about what is going on in the moment or is this situation actually reminding you of something from your past, for instance, how you were treated by a former partner, or how you were treated by your parents or primary caregivers. Once you have taken your time to see more clearly what is happening, if necessary, respond and communicate from this place.

2.Communicate clearly. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Our culture has brainwashed us into believing that love means that our intimate partners always know what we need without us having to express anything. I’m sure you’ve heard people say things, at the beginning of relationships, such as: “he just knew what I was feeling, I didn’t have to ask, she just understands me without me ever having to explain myself.” Although, there is some truth in these statements, at some time in most relationships, there is a need to communicate one’s needs and not take it for granted that our partner “just knows.” Clear communication and the necessity to express one’s needs do not mean that you are no longer in love; it actually means that you are really beginning to trust yourself and your partner.

3.Create space. Contact and Withdrawal: all healthy relationships require that there be both togetherness and time apart from one another. Once again, we get a lot of cultural messages that seem to say that love is being together all the time, which is just a recipe for problems. Being comfortable with time away from your partner means that you have other relationships, hobbies, and interests that are independent of him/her. Spending time away from your partner allows you to bring new vitality and joy into the relationship.

4.Don’t be blameful. When you do get upset and need to express what is going on for you, practice making “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying, “you always ignore me when I’m talking to you”…you might try “I know that you are trying to multitask right now and I am feeling sad and wondering if you could stop what you are doing for a couple of minutes and just sit with me while we are talking.” Marshall B. Rosenberg elaborates on this kind of communication which he calls “Nonviolent Communication” or (NVC) in his book by the same name. He explains that the four components of NVC are “observation, feeling, needs, and request.”

5.Practice Forgiveness and Compassion. Relationships can be truly difficult. We are all trying to balance our relationships with ourselves with all the many relationships outside of ourselves. Each relationship seems to bring to light different aspects of ourselves, some of which are joyous and some of which are challenging. We are on a constant learning curve, always bumping up against where we need to grow. The most powerful relationships are those in which we can make mistakes and forgive ourselves and our partner(s). People usually feel that when they are repeating an old pattern that there is something wrong, however, each repetition is an opportunity to do something new and to heal old wounds. If you are in a relationship in which you see a familiar pattern emerging, get curious and creative about trying out new behaviors.

©Copyright 2008 by Allison Weliky, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Allison and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 10th, 2008 at 8:50 pm and is filed under Marriage Counseling, Relationships, & Intimacy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.