Should I go to Therapy?
February 2nd, 2008 | Email this to your Friendsby Pat Kanakis, LMFT
Click here to contact Pat and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I read an article in the Los Angeles Times today; 2-2-2008, that talked about a study done on people with the purpose of finding out what was the most difficult time of a persons life. The findings were that women in their mid to late 40’s and men in their early 50’s have the most difficult time in life. The surprising part of the study was that it expected to find older adults with more struggles but the article stated that a person in their 60’s and older stated they realized the importance of time and used it better thereby reporting less difficulties in this age range. I don’t know how valid the study was but it got me thinking. I agreed with the results based on what I see in therapy sessions and have experienced in my own life and with my friends. Being a 40 something woman myself, I thought of some of the changes I have been through in the last few years. I realized that what has made this time easier for me and others I know is having someone to talk to. Often in marriages and relationships when two people are no longer getting along in the way they used to, there is no one to talk to. Talking to family members may create negative feelings towards the other partner. This applies with friends too. Sometimes struggling along in a relationship creates hurt upon hurt until eventually there is nothing left. I believe it doesn’t have to be this way and therapy is a good option to help prevent this. I receive a lot of calls from one member of a couple that wants help because their relationship is in trouble. We talk and they say they are going to talk with their spouse or partner and no appointment is made. I never hear from them again. I am left wondering if the relationship got better or are people living an unsatisfied life existing daily with distance and fighting and no intimacy. This is a cliché but relationships are like plants, if you don’t feed them and water them they will die. I believe it doesn’t have to be this way. The longer a couple has toxic communication and puts off getting help the probability of the relationship ending increases. I want to explain the benefit of going to couples therapy. Ultimately, it provides a neutral environment where two people can come and tell their hurts and learn to listen to each other in a different way and begin healing the distance that has developed between them. A good therapist does not give you advice but asks questions that help you see things in a new light. As a couple you can begin to move in a positive direction. This of course requires both parties to be willing to participate and try new things. Sometimes that means someone has to forgive the other person and learn to trust again. No one knows how to live your life better then you. I want to encourage you to try therapy if you are in this situation. Don’t wait to long and let hurt build upon hurt. Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and just do it. I wish you luck and a renewed relationship.
©Copyright 2008 written by Pat Kanakis, LMFT. LCSW All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pat and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
February 8th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I would like to echo the author’s sentiment that turning to family to talk about marital problems is a bad idea and leads to even bigger problems. My sister-in-law did this very thing with her husband. She left him and ended up going back to him. Now that the whole family knows why she left him in the first place, no one in the family likes him. Tension has been created that would have been avoided if my sister-in-law had turned to counseling, even if it had to be individual counseling. As a result, our family is somewhat fragmented and has lost a lot of its closeness.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Couples therapy is a vital part of any healthy relationship. I must admit that I find myself getting frustrated as a couples’ therapist at times. I just want to go to places like churches where families gather and hand out business cards. Not b/c I want to make money off of people-I went into this field to help people. I feel like therapy is in many ways much more effective if done before couples start having major problems.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I think that couple’s therapy is valuable, but only if both people are willing to participate. I’m pretty fed up with one person dragging along a partner to therapy. If someone doesn’t want to come to therapy, it’ll never work!
February 8th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I know I may be a little odd in this, but I actually like it when someone comes to therapy who doesn’t want to be there. I actually get a charge out of earning someone’s trust and giving them guidance they actually end up accepting. To me, these are the most gratifying sorts of clients.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Wow, Meg! You are a glutton for punishment! How often do you “convert” clients who come unwillingly? If you have a good track record, I’d like to send some business your way! Really, I’m sort of just kidding. I do admire your willingness and enthusiasm to take on such tough clients. I can tell you heart is in the right place.