http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/ <<exploring healthy therapy & counseling>> Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:50:10 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5269 Therapist Dunbeg Tue, 04 Dec 2007 16:32:30 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5269 I'm no therapist, but this is an issue I deal w/ on a daily basis with my wife. I cannot even imagine either one of us wanting to sit and hold hands while looking each other in the eye for an hour. How corny! We do our best talking when we are in the car. Neither one of us HAS to look at the other and we can have moments of silence during which we think rather than having awkward silences while we are staring at each other. I’m no therapist, but this is an issue I deal w/ on a daily basis with my wife. I cannot even imagine either one of us wanting to sit and hold hands while
looking each other in the eye for an hour. How corny! We do our best talking when we are in the car. Neither one of us HAS to look at the other and we
can have moments of silence during which we think rather than having awkward silences while we are staring at each other.

]]> http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5245 Therapist Deerfield Beach Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:03:45 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5245 I think that most couples argue about topics rather than the situation at hand. But, I don't think they argue b/c there is a general climate of negativity. I think that the climate of negativity is a by-product of what not really getting at what the couple is really arguing about. The meat of what they are arguing about just shows up in various topics. If the actual problem is flushed out, the negativity goes away. I think that most couples argue about topics rather than the situation at hand. But, I don’t think they argue b/c there is a general climate of negativity.
I think that the climate of negativity is a by-product of what not really getting at what the couple is really arguing about. The meat of what they
are arguing about just shows up in various topics. If the actual problem is flushed out, the negativity goes away.

]]> http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5243 Larry Mon, 03 Dec 2007 14:33:00 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5243 I see a number of "right fighters" in my individual counseling for anger. I believe their issues are deeply rooted and may need to be processed as an "individual problem" rather than a "couple problem." John Gottman's principle #6 (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) is about overcoming what he calls "gridlock." He has some good ideas on how to deal with unsolvable problems. Also... nice article Julienne, very helpful! I see a number of “right fighters” in my individual counseling for anger. I believe their issues are deeply rooted and may need to be processed as an “individual problem” rather than a “couple problem.” John Gottman’s principle #6 (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) is about overcoming what he calls “gridlock.” He has some good ideas on how to deal with unsolvable problems. Also… nice article Julienne, very helpful!

]]> http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5229 Therapist Dee Why Sat, 01 Dec 2007 01:12:33 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5229 One of my mentors challenges clients with, "would you rather be right or be happy?" One man reported kayaking with his wife, disagreeing about which way to go to get back home, but deciding "I would rather be happy than right," and going along with his wife for an enjoyable paddle (straight back to their car!). One of my mentors challenges clients with, “would you rather be right or be happy?” One man reported kayaking with his wife, disagreeing about which way to go to get back home, but deciding “I would rather be happy than right,” and going along with his wife for an enjoyable paddle (straight back to their car!).

]]> http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5215 Therapist Coral Gables Fri, 30 Nov 2007 13:19:25 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5215 In my experience, right fighters tend to be those who like to fight. In this structure, I would have to say that most right fighters fall into Eruptive Style. One thing I thought was interesting was the statement that most conflicts are not solvable in a marriage. Where is the hope in that? I am not sure I agree with that statement. I think all conflicts can be solved to the satisfaction of both parties as long as both parties are willing to compromise in some area. But, if the 69% statistic offered is correct, it would certainly explain the divorce rate in this country. In my experience, right fighters tend to be those who like to fight. In this structure, I would have to say that most right fighters fall into
Eruptive Style. One thing I thought was interesting was the statement that most conflicts are not solvable in a marriage. Where is the hope in that? I
am not sure I agree with that statement. I think all conflicts can be solved to the satisfaction of both parties as long as both parties are willing
to compromise in some area. But, if the 69% statistic offered is correct, it would certainly explain the divorce rate in this country.

]]> http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5209 Therapist Conifer Thu, 29 Nov 2007 22:43:19 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2007/11/27/the-good-fight-how-to-keep-arguments-from-getting-out-of-control/#comment-5209 Where do "right fighters" fit into this line of thinking? You know the ones who will fight until the other person concedes that "you're right and I'm wrong." Is there hope for this type of person? How does this style of fighting evolve? I can say that I really like the "nine ways Not to begin a conversation" list. I think that my clients will probably get a lot out of that list. Where do “right fighters” fit into this line of thinking? You know the ones who will fight until the other person concedes that “you’re
right and I’m wrong.” Is there hope for this type of person? How does this style of fighting evolve? I can say that I really like the “nine ways Not to
begin a conversation” list. I think that my clients will probably get a lot out of that list.

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