Comments on: He Quit Drinking So Why Don’t I Have My Husband Back?

By: Alice Petty-Hannum

Alice Petty-Hannum — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 01:54:22 +0000

I also felt that this article was reactionary and, perhaps, accurately described the bitterness that some wives or partners may feel by the time their partner becomes involved in a 12 step program. As someone who works with recovering addicts and their families but is not in recovery myself, I feel that this article spells out the fears of many family members. I feel that family members need to have their resentments and fear normalized but that they need to be empowered to take charge of their own lives and stop fearing expressing themselves to their partners as the family enters recovery.

What is described is a crazy making experience in which the partner is no longer drinking but all other behaviors look and feel the same to the spouse. This is not true recovery, but may be common in early recovery while someone gets themselves familiar with the program. As has been previously said, as someone works the steps they should start to focus on relationships and the intimate connections in their life. However, someone with the pattern described in this article either has not reached that point, is not truly working a recovery program, or has so much wreckage in their relationship that they are not trying to repair it (perhaps a stuck place in their recovery).

I absolutely agree that the spouse needs to practice self care and to reconstruct their own life so that it is fulfilling. This is one of the primary issues in an addictive subsystem. EVERYONE has modified their behavior and expectations around the addicted person when they were in active addiction. While the spouse taking equal time is an excellent way to work self care into her life, I question the motivation in this case. It seems rather passive aggressive instead of truly motivated by the need to care for the self. I would prefer framing this move as self care and encouraging the processing of resentments and new ways of communicating with the addicted person to let them know how unsatisfactory the way they are constructing their recovery program is for their partner. Many men who have spent years in alcoholic addiction also don’t really know how to create intimacy. Couples counseling has been extremely important for many long term relationships. There is so much resentment and shame that it can feel impossible to overcome habitual barriers to intimacy.

It is my hope that therapists will educate clients about balancing their recovery rather than letting it become a substitute addiction. By reframing our concerns this way we can work with and supplement an alcoholic’s chosen recovery program rather than undermining it.

By: Jason

Jason — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 14:49:21 +0000

The complaining wife doesn’t mention how much sobriety time her recovering husband has acquired. He didn’t become a lousy husband or a hopeless drunk in a day or a week or a month, and recovery from that decent into hell isn’t going to happen instantly either. The suggestion to find enjoyable activities of one’s own to pursue is a great one because it promotes healthy relationships to maintain some individuality… sadly what the author is implying here is that the motive for doing it is to arouse jealousy or envy in the alcoholic. If he really has a program of recovery (really just 12 easy steps to a more spiritual life), not only will he not be jealous or envious, he may just come to realize that the only reason he was in the relationship was to allow someone else to care for him and he doesn’t need it anymore.
Alcoholism is a family disease and for every problem drinker or active addict there could be a hundred people who are affected by it. Just ask the spouse of anyone with a chronic disease how much it can impact their lives, not just the sufferers. When something consumes so much of ones time, lifestyle, and mental energy, and then that thing goes away, what’s left to fill the void? It’s every humans responsibility to fill their own void, not their partners. Maybe in addition to the suggestion to get well themselves with outside activities, a nudge towards Al-Anon would be a more professionally responsible response instead of encouraging more threats and ultimatums.

By: ex-drinker

ex-drinker — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 01:33:04 +0000

Hi,

the only alcholic is one who is dependent on booze to physically servive day to day. A husband chooses to binge drink as an escape for whatever is troubling him in reality today but mainly it stems from a troubled past or past trauma in his life. The best thing a wife can do (and it sucks for her) is to not say anything about it, give him time. The wife needs to continue on with her life and kids if are present on activities that occur during husbands absence. The husand should come around and know that he is alone with his drinking problem and missing out on what is important in life…HIS FAMILY!!!

By: hulu

hulu — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 02:37:30 +0000

see this is why AA doesn’t work always.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:37:54 +0000

Great perspective!!!

By: isabella mori

isabella mori — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:49:50 +0000

i know quite a few people who are part of 12-step programs. some of them seem to use them as a crutch, a simple substitution of one problem for another. it appears that this is the case for the person described in the article.

i also know other people who seriously study the 12-step program, which has caused me to read the AA and other 12-step literature as well. in the later steps - which i am told some people never get to - it gets pretty clear that true recovery means repairing one’s relationships and doing one’s best to lead a normal life. neglecting one’s wife in favour of hanging out with one’s program buddies does not fit that bill.

“You might want to start by taking equal time. For every meeting he attends, you go to a class, a workout, a bar, whatever appeals. If he objects, note that you are only “working your program.” Please create one more interesting than his.”

that sounds a bit reactionary to me. of course the wife needs to live out her life, alcoholic husband or not, but i’m not quite sure how helpful it is to simply mirror him. that’s what teenagers do, not grown-up people. (not that we don’t all act like teenagers at times - or younger still - but let’s at least not encourage it!)

By: Therapist Eugene

Therapist Eugene — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:48:41 +0000

While Jeff and Dianne have some good points, it sounds to me like Laura may be more on the right track. Being a therapist doesn’t mean that you discount the person who has caused your client pain. However, maybe we are all missing the point. Maybe the point is that the American
way of rehabilitating alcoholics breeds even more selfishness and single mindedness. Who knows? Maybe the author can clarify some of this for us.

By: Therapist East Ridge

Therapist East Ridge — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 16:38:38 +0000

I guess spouses need therapy in order to identify themselves as someone other than an alcoholic’s husband or wife. Rather than getting lost in
someone else’s recovery, someone who possibly stripped away a good life from his or her spouse, it is more beneficial for the spouse to learn to stand
on his or her own two feet. Perhaps this therapist is tired of seeing clients who feel guilty about reclaiming their right to a satisfactory life rather
than standing in the shadows of their alcoholic spouses.

By: Therapist Downers Grove

Therapist Downers Grove — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:13:12 +0000

Maybe the author is stating what others are afraid to. We all tend to tip-toe
around recovering alcoholics. I think her point is that spouses need support, too. Just b/c someone is in treatment, it doesn’t mean that a spouse’s life has to continue to be as destructive as it was before the alcoholic entered therapy.

By: Mary Ellen

Mary Ellen — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 18:12:43 +0000

Actually, no, the article is unrelated to my marriage experience, but comes instead from clients, colleagues, and also from friends outside of my work, and various readings.

It also fits in with two decades of experience in “women’s therapy” and its focus on unending process, rather than proactive change. Process does not equal product in our practice’s view.

One can also, of course, further comment on the failure of 12 Step programs universally (we don’t think that “success” rates of

By: Therapist Davidson

Therapist Davidson — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:31:30 +0000

Hi Laura, I had a similar reaction to you about this article. Felt to me that perhaps the author is still hurt and frustrated from her own experience. I’m glad you commented and I hope there will be some discussion about this. An opportunity for the author to get some feedback and for members to discuss their reactions. So thanks for getting the conversation started.

By: Therapist Dallas

Therapist Dallas — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:12:24 +0000

Well, that certainly was interesting. Was this coming from a therapist or someone who is better about an alcoholic husband? Or, maybe both? It
seems a bit harsh and personal, so I’m wondering if this isn’t a therapist trying to let some steam off in an acceptable way. She goes from being
descriptive to being commanding. The last two sentences firmly tell someone what to do rather than allowing the person to come to a decision
on a course of action on his or her own.