He Quit Drinking So Why Don’t I Have My Husband Back?
November 20th, 2007 |Written by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
It’s a common, if quiet, complaint heard over lunch, or at breaks in meetings, at the Chamber of Commerce mixer, or the League of Women Voters retreat. “My husband finally quit drinking, attends AA, and life is certainly calmer, but…” The “buts” are varied, but essentially come down to the fact that while one’s spouse is no longer actively drinking little else has changed.
An unfortunate side effect of AA and other 12-Step based programs is that while they may help a man stop drinking, they actually encourage him to maintain, and even expand, his focus on alcohol. So he continues to neglect his family and remain emotionally distant from his wife and she doesn’t even get to complain about it because he is “working his program.” For her, precious little has changed.
“I’m truly glad that he isn’t drinking,” one said. “I don’t miss the late night worrying, the calls for bail or a ride home. I don’t miss wondering about our debts, credit rating, or whether he’s going to get fired. But he’s still got his head in a bottle and we don’t even fight anymore. There seems to be so much less of him now than when he was drinking, even. I probably sound selfish and ungrateful, but I miss him.”
It’s a common and heart-breaking story. Another failure of the American system of alcohol treatment - a system that even when it works merely substitutes one form of alcohol obsession for another.
Looked at logically it’s easy to see what happens. Instead of avoiding problems by hanging out at bars with drinking buddies, your husband now spends it at 12-Step Meetings with, well, drinking buddies. Instead of confiding to his bartender, now he shares his innermost thoughts with his “Sponsor.” Where he used to excuse any behavior with “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing,” now it’s “I’m working my program.”
Not worrying about whether or not he’s going to make it home becomes small compensation for still not having a husband in any meaningful sense. But you dare not complain lest you send him back to actively drinking again. He’s still captive to alcohol and you’re still being blackmailed into keeping quiet about it. Not exactly major progress if you want a real relationship.
The implied, but no less real, threats aren’t subtle. “Don’t complain or you’ll be responsible for him relapsing.” That’s nonsense but it’s hard to ignore when everyone from Dear Abby to the minister is saying it. They also tell you to be grateful and that it’s “the only way.” Of course that’s idiocy too.
There are a few voices of reason but they are usually drowned out by the cacophony of 12-Step honking. Here are a few thoughts to consider as you continue to be neglected, diminished, or shut out, by yet another demand of “The Program.”
Your husband’s alcohol abuse, active or passive, is his problem and responsibility. You didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it, nor will you reignite it. All of those choices were, and remain, his.
If he prefers his relationship with alcohol to one with you, well, okay, but he doesn’t get to complain when you decide you’d prefer one with someone else - someone capable of real intimacy with you, not with a bottle or a program.
If he really wants to kick the 12-Step Habit and leave alcohol behind, and keep you, it is certainly possible and probably a lot more fun than sitting in drafty smoke filled basements drinking bad coffee.
You might want to start by taking equal time. For every meeting he attends, you go to a class, a workout, a bar, whatever appeals. If he objects, note that you are only “working your program.” Please create one more interesting than his. God knows you’ve earned it.
You are understandably dissatisfied and that isn’t going to change until you do something about it yourself. Maybe it’s selfish to want a complete life instead of one spent sharing him with his obsession but, if that is his choice, so be it. Don’t continue to be intimidated by 12-Step nonsense. You have a right to a complete life whether he wants one or not.
©Copyright 2007 Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. MAC All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
November 30th, 2007 at 8:12 am
Well, that certainly was interesting. Was this coming from a therapist or someone who is better about an alcoholic husband? Or, maybe both? It
seems a bit harsh and personal, so I’m wondering if this isn’t a therapist trying to let some steam off in an acceptable way. She goes from being
descriptive to being commanding. The last two sentences firmly tell someone what to do rather than allowing the person to come to a decision
on a course of action on his or her own.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:31 am
Hi Laura, I had a similar reaction to you about this article. Felt to me that perhaps the author is still hurt and frustrated from her own experience. I’m glad you commented and I hope there will be some discussion about this. An opportunity for the author to get some feedback and for members to discuss their reactions. So thanks for getting the conversation started.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Actually, no, the article is unrelated to my marriage experience, but comes instead from clients, colleagues, and also from friends outside of my work, and various readings.
It also fits in with two decades of experience in “women’s therapy” and its focus on unending process, rather than proactive change. Process does not equal product in our practice’s view.
One can also, of course, further comment on the failure of 12 Step programs universally (we don’t think that “success” rates of
December 3rd, 2007 at 8:13 am
Maybe the author is stating what others are afraid to. We all tend to tip-toe
around recovering alcoholics. I think her point is that spouses need support, too. Just b/c someone is in treatment, it doesn’t mean that a spouse’s life has to continue to be as destructive as it was before the alcoholic entered therapy.
December 4th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I guess spouses need therapy in order to identify themselves as someone other than an alcoholic’s husband or wife. Rather than getting lost in
someone else’s recovery, someone who possibly stripped away a good life from his or her spouse, it is more beneficial for the spouse to learn to stand
on his or her own two feet. Perhaps this therapist is tired of seeing clients who feel guilty about reclaiming their right to a satisfactory life rather
than standing in the shadows of their alcoholic spouses.
December 5th, 2007 at 7:48 am
While Jeff and Dianne have some good points, it sounds to me like Laura may be more on the right track. Being a therapist doesn’t mean that you discount the person who has caused your client pain. However, maybe we are all missing the point. Maybe the point is that the American
way of rehabilitating alcoholics breeds even more selfishness and single mindedness. Who knows? Maybe the author can clarify some of this for us.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
i know quite a few people who are part of 12-step programs. some of them seem to use them as a crutch, a simple substitution of one problem for another. it appears that this is the case for the person described in the article.
i also know other people who seriously study the 12-step program, which has caused me to read the AA and other 12-step literature as well. in the later steps - which i am told some people never get to - it gets pretty clear that true recovery means repairing one’s relationships and doing one’s best to lead a normal life. neglecting one’s wife in favour of hanging out with one’s program buddies does not fit that bill.
“You might want to start by taking equal time. For every meeting he attends, you go to a class, a workout, a bar, whatever appeals. If he objects, note that you are only “working your program.” Please create one more interesting than his.”
that sounds a bit reactionary to me. of course the wife needs to live out her life, alcoholic husband or not, but i’m not quite sure how helpful it is to simply mirror him. that’s what teenagers do, not grown-up people. (not that we don’t all act like teenagers at times - or younger still - but let’s at least not encourage it!)
January 21st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Great perspective!!!
October 5th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
see this is why AA doesn’t work always.
:D