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Written by Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC

Why is it there are some couples who always butt heads…and other couples who get along with little friction? From early childhood we learn about conflict from our interactions with others. Our conflict management style begins to evolve through our unique experiences with others based on wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. Tension or conflict arises when we expect others to be like us and judge and blame each other for our differences.

No matter what we call it—conflict, fighting, arguing, quarreling or disagreeing, in most relationships, differences eventually arise and for many of us it creates some uneasiness. But having the Good Fight, if handled well, can transform relationships and improve our understanding of each other. When managed badly, conflict can result in damaged friendships, severed relationships, and long-lasting hostility.

Understanding Conflict

Terry Real, in his book, “How Can I Get Through To You?” describes the essential rhythm of a relationship as going from Harmony to Disharmony to Restoration. In relationships it isn’t a matter of IF there is going to be conflict (disharmony) but HOW you are going to handle that conflict so that you can restore (restoration) it back to a harmonious (harmony) state… (more…)

GoodTherapy.org maintains a list of psychotherapy & counseling approaches for the purpose of informing people about different forms of therapy. We’re currently updating this list of therapy models and we’ve just finished our update toTranspersonal Psychotherapy. Transpersonal Psychotherapy is the extension of psychological studies into consciousness studies, spiritual inquiry, body-mind relationships and transformation. Transpersonal Psychotherapy encompasses the study of the full range of human experience, from abnormal behavior to healthy normal functioning, to spiritually embodied, and transcendent consciousness. You can view the update to our section on Transpersonal Psychotherapy and/or view our entire list of psychotherapy & counseling models . Enjoy :)

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by John Rhead, Ph.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
There are three basic models for conceptualizing the process of psychotherapy: implanting something new in the client that is missing (deficiency model), changing or removing something problematic that is already present (pathology model), or nurturing the unfolding of some potential wholeness that is inherent in each human (spiritual model). While each model captures some of what might need to go on in psychotherapy at any given moment, the spiritual model is for me the most interesting and comprehensive.

Each of these three models of psychotherapy also suggests a particular role for the therapist. In the deficiency model the therapist is something like a dietary supplement for the psyche, providing something not already present and not readily available in the usually daily intake of psychological experience. The pathology model makes the therapist something between a mechanic and a surgeon, removing something dysfunctional and possibly replacing it with something new that can be expected to function better. In the spiritual model the therapist works in manner of a midwife, seeking to eliminate obstacles to a natural process of the birthing of new awareness without claiming to create or control what emerges.

Each of these three models of psychotherapy has parallels in religious and spiritual traditions. The deficiency model corresponds to the belief that a person cannot be whole, spiritually mature, or loved by God unless he or she adopts a particular set of beliefs or joins a particular religious or spiritual group. The pathology model corresponds to the concept of original sin. The spiritual model addresses that Matthew Fox has lately been calling Original Blessing, and what Buddhists have for a long time referred to as Buddha Nature.

While any person’s psychotherapy might legitimately work from any one of these three models at a given point in time, the deficiency and pathology models must eventually yield to the spiritual model in any long-term therapy. It is not a question of nature versus nurture, but rather a question of how we nurture our clients’ inherent nature. The most fundamental way in which we do this is through the ongoing nurturing of our own nature, through our own psychotherapy, spiritual practices, and anything else we can find.

©Copyright 2007 John Rhead, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

GoodTherapy.org maintains a list of psychotherapy & counseling approaches for the purpose of informing people about different forms of therapy. We’re currently updating this list of therapy models and we’ve just finished our update to Family Attachment Narrative Therapy. Family Attachment Narrative Therapy was developed to help resolve difficulties experienced by behaviorally disturbed children and their adoptive or foster parents. You can view the update to our section on Family Attachment Narrative Therapy and/or view our entire list of psychotherapy & counseling models . Enjoy :)

Written by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

It’s a common, if quiet, complaint heard over lunch, or at breaks in meetings, at the Chamber of Commerce mixer, or the League of Women Voters retreat. “My husband finally quit drinking, attends AA, and life is certainly calmer, but…” The “buts” are varied, but essentially come down to the fact that while one’s spouse is no longer actively drinking little else has changed.
An unfortunate side effect of AA and other 12-Step based programs is that while they may help a man stop drinking, they actually encourage him to maintain, and even expand, his focus on alcohol. So he continues to neglect his family and remain emotionally distant from his wife and she doesn’t even get to complain about it because he is “working his program.” For her, precious little has changed.

“I’m truly glad that he isn’t drinking,” one said. “I don’t miss the late night worrying, the calls for bail or a ride home. I don’t miss wondering about our debts, credit rating, or whether he’s going to get fired. But he’s still got his head in a bottle and we don’t even fight anymore. There seems to be so much less of him now than when he was drinking, even. I probably sound selfish and ungrateful, but I miss him.”

It’s a common and heart-breaking story. Another failure of the American system of alcohol treatment - a system that even when it works merely substitutes one form of alcohol obsession for another. (more…)

Written by Tanya Vallianos MA, LPC, ATR

Click here to contact Tanya and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The holiday season can be a challenging time for most anyone as the stresses of finances, increased demands of time and tasks, and unrealistic expectations show themselves in a grand way. Furthermore, if you are a person that is working through feelings of grief at this time, everything can become compounded.

The holidays can create feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety for the bereaved as they remember past events. Holidays by nature are filled with nostalgia, tradition and ritual, but for those grieving, this can bring up conflicted feelings of both comfort and distress as the absence of the deceased becomes more apparent. As the rest of the world is celebrating, it’s important for grieving individuals to acknowledge their emotional pain and get through the season with a minimum amount of stress. Being able to express ones grief verbally can be difficult. Art expression, as a non-verbal modality, can be an effective way of working through and containing grief when words fall short.

Throughout history, art making has been a means by which humans have expressed their grief. Whether through burial ceremonies, shrines, or memorials, the symbols that represent loss have been important for coping and relieving emotional distress.

Creativity can be a way to feel the sadness, anger and loss as well as the remembrance of times past in all their imperfections and grace, while taking time to understand oneself in the context of the whole. Overwhelming thoughts and feelings can be captured in the images thereby creating a new sense of control, organization, and containment. Focusing on the images or symbols enables a person to express stressful emotions without having to refer directly to details surrounding the loss. (more…)

GoodTherapy.org maintains a list of psychotherapy & counseling approaches for the purpose of informing people about different forms of therapy. We’re currently updating this list of therapy models and we’ve just finished our update to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is specialized form of therapy for people with a Borderline personality constellation. You can view the update to our section on Dialectical Behavior Therapy and/or view our entire list of psychotherapy & counseling models . Enjoy :)

Written by Connie Miller MS, LPC, NCC, TEP

Today there is a universal spiritual movement in the field of psychology that cannot be ignored. The awareness of mystical experiences is becoming more and more common. As various holistic healing practices become more accepted, the trend is to integrate psychology with other methods of healing.

In twelve-step programs, people heal through the telling and sharing of their own stories. It is through the sharing of the trauma and pain and the subsequent healing that people form common bonds that unite them. Then, to get beyond that connection of pain, they need to go further by sharing their soulful moments, their hopes, and their dreams. This requires re-establishing a relationship with their creativity and, through their higher awareness, connecting with others on a spiritual level.

During my practice, which has focused on co-dependency and addictive family systems, I have found that one of the most difficult tasks for a counselor during a client’s healing process is to break the bond of abuse. It is difficult to teach a client to open his heart to experience love so that he might be able to move on to live in a loving, healthy relationships, doing meaningful creative work. Souldrama® provides a technique to move these clients past resistance. (more…)

Written by David Pierce

Click here to contact David Pierce and see his website: Friends Along the Road

Hollywood - in the tradition of classic mythopoeia - tends to use bereaved parents and spouses in pivotal roles. They are often examples of those who’ve been through life’s worst extremes, and play lunatics, killers, shamans, and heroes. Because they have been eaten raw by the universe and regurgitated into something new, unpredictable, and powerful, the severely bereaved are regarded in classic high literature with more than pity, with a mixture of fear and awe. This attitude is rendered clearly in “Lady in the Water,” a film by the director of “The Village” that left Judy and me in grateful astonishment, because it lay bare the path of our souls and rallied us to keep on going.

The protagonist is the stuttering caretaker/handyman of an apartment complex in Philadelphia, who discovers a sea-nymph in his quarters. She has been living underneath the swimming pool but has been sent to the surface by her people in order to impart inspiration into the life of one young man, an apartment resident who is a writer and whose book is destined to positively change the world. It turns out that the caretaker was once a doctor, but his wife and children were murdered, and ever since he has sought anonymity in his terrible grief. Yet he is chosen for a heroic role as a facilitator between the nymph and the person she must contact. To accomplish this goal, he follows the patterns of the great myth and draws upon the unique archetypal strengths of each of the residents, seemingly ordinary and disparate individuals who come together in a profound whole. With the help of everyone in the complex, the caretaker becomes The Healer, uniting the powers of The Interpreter, The Guardian, The Guild, and The Seven Sisters.

This is the story I have always dreamed of - of common people united in a great purpose. This movie has everything to say to those having lived for years with deep grief, who have risen, been crushed, risen again, foundered, and kept on going. It shows that even those from whom almost all has been taken may have an important purpose…something that can unite us all.

©Copyright 2007 David Pierce. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact David Pierce and see his website: Friends Along the Road

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Log in to the Member’s area to continue your Membership and/or get more information by clicking here.

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Written by Edward W. Wilson, Ph.D., MAC

Click here to contact Edward and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

For decades the research, both formal studies and informal observations, has shown that some alcoholics could return to moderate or controlled drinking, and that many do. However, Alcoholics Anonymous and other powerful recovery programs have defined an alcoholic as a person who can never again drink in moderation. This has placed them in the curious position of maintaining that someone who returns to moderate drinking wasn’t an alcoholic - not matter how obvious the evidence to the contrary.

While their traditional conceptions and definitions have caused the AA/12 Step organizations to reject the mounting evidence, they haven’t been alone. The treatment “industry” also has a vested interest in keeping definitions and solutions narrowly defined and simple. There is, in their lexicon, only one “disease” and one “cure.” Since 95% of providers are wedded to the 12 Step model, and have nothing else to offer, suggestions that other outcomes are possible are very unwelcome. In the United States even those programs describing themselves as “alternatives to the AA/12-Step models” generally adhere to abstinence-only outcome criteria.

But individuals and providers alike would be better served by the different picture painted by an analysis of data from the 2001-2002 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC). Based on a sample of 43,000 U.S. adults, the study found that more than one-third (35.9 percent) of those with alcohol dependence (alcoholism) that began more than one year ago were in full recovery a year later (according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism). (more…)

~Written by Anonymous

My story is the story of Ana. Ana was my closest companion for almost sixteen years. The name “Anna,” as it is usually spelled, means “gracious,” but Ana certainly did not seem very gracious at times. Ana is a shortened form of Anorexia, the name I gave my eating disorder. In that one word lies the summation of the last sixteen years of my life.

Some years were worse than others, the earlier ones being the most severe. But Ana was always there, sometimes acting as a lifeline, sometimes as an archenemy. She challenged the Self for my very soul.

Ana was always there, but despite her loyalty I eventually came to a point where I no longer wanted Ana around anymore. I wanted her to go away. It was then that I began my Internal Family Systems work.

It wasn’t until well over a year into therapy that I really even dared to expose Ana. Until that point, I don’t know that I truly understood how much she was behind all of the other “stuff” I was working on. She wasn’t causing that much trouble anymore, and she still served a purpose. Why get rid of her?

But as I learned more about myself and more about Ana and the power she wielded over me, I realized she had taken more than she had given. And what she gave came at too great a cost. Spurred on by the desire for self-leadership and a growing confidence that I could achieve it, I finally dared to look this former matriarch of my internal family in the eye. So this is the story of Ana, how I got to know her, and how I negotiated with her until the final confrontation wherein she agreed to relinquish her leadership over the Self.

Declaration of Independence

When I finally reached the point in my therapeutic work where I wanted to break free from Ana’s tyranny once and for all, I knew I had to make a concrete gesture to “declare my independence,”—a statement of my intention to be Self-led rather than Ana-led.” In that spirit, I decided to write an “Inaugural Speech” for my Self. It had not yet reclaimed its leadership over the family system, but I intended for it to in the near future. I needed to make that clear both to my Self and Ana. What follows is that speech, word-for-word, as it was delivered by the Self to the internal family members:

No more. No more bondage. No More shadows. No more caves. No more shame. No more darkness. Step out into the light. The light doesn’t bring shame, but brings clarity, vision, and warmth. You have intrinsic value and worth. Your weight does not determine your worth. I won’t let you evaluate yourself in this way any longer. No more. You are okay. You don’t deserve to hang your head in shame. You never did. You did what you had to do at the time in order to survive. You did the absolute best you could with what resources you had. You will not be forgotten. Fear will no longer prevent you from “taking up space” in this world. Your voice deserves to be heard by others, and it can make a difference in others’ lives. You no longer have to hide the “wounded” parts. They aren’t a source of shame: They are battle scars, hard-won, and reminders that, although broken and wounded, you were never defeated. You are a warrior—courageous and brave, despite the fear and pain. So raise your hands to the sky, Warrior. Peace lies beyond the next horizon.

This began the official negotiation process with Ana, one I knew would not be easy. Having lived with Ana for nearly fifteen years, I knew she would prove to be a formidable “opponent,” and she did.

Ana did not rule single-handedly. She had a number of “helpers.” They were subordinate parts who assisted her, primarily, in taking care of a little five-year-old part named Belle. Belle was always dressed as a ballerina; the burden she carried was that after pouring her heart and soul into dancing for someone dear to her, rather than hearing the praise and encouragement she expected, she was told she was fat. Thus she became caught in a deluge of rejection and shame.

Ana first introduced herself to the family system at this point. Rather than sit back and watch Belle’s fragile sense of self be entirely obliterated, she exiled Belle’s pain and created an elaborate framework of manager and firefighter family members to stand guard over her. There were too many to mention here, but all were extremely loyal and vigilant in protecting Belle from any emotional pain.

This is how Ana took care of and protected little Belle. For many years, this “security system” operated flawlessly; and like most people, Ana did not see the need to “fix something if it ain’t broken.”

When the Self’s “Inaugural Speech,” and the declaration of independence it contained, reached Ana’s ears, she was not happy. She took immediate action and began a series of attempts to stop the negotiations that threatened to take away her power.

When the “negotiations” began, I considered myself to have been in recovery for a number of years. But Ana had been with me the entire time. She had always been “keeping watch” over Belle, just in case she was needed. Once formally confronted by the Self, however, she decided to intervene. What follows is a compilation of several journal entries wherein Ana pleaded her case for why she should stay in power. They are accompanied by the Self’s responses.

Ana’s lullaby

Come back. Come back home to me. I’m your true friend. I’m the one you can trust, who can take care of you. I’ll sing you lullabies, tranquilize you, and quiet your busy mind. I’ll soothe your restlessness. Give you your foundation back. Remember how it used to be. You were focused. Determined. Efficient. Streamlined. Life was simple. It was just you and I. Nothing came between us. No one interfered. I gave you self-esteem. You could measure your worth every day just by looking at that magic number. Down it crept and the closer the two of us became.
You can trust me. You can count on me. You know I will always be there for you. What else in the universe can provide that for you? Nothing and no one. Humans fail. They let people down. But not I. I am always fair, straightforward, predictable, constant. No games here. I am straight as an arrow. I never change the rules. I never try to catch you off guard. I am always there for you.

Need a dose of self-esteem? Bam! Instantly that number is on the scale for you—instant reinforcement. Need to be reminded that you can accomplish something, that you still have strength and willpower? Bam! I am there for you. Hop up on the scale. I got your back, baby. You will never find a better deal than me. You know it. You can’t deny it. You know it’s true. You know you want this. You know that sometimes you miss me so bad. You can play your little therapy games and say that you don’t need me anymore, but we both know you won’t make it on the other side. You’re too fragile. You’re not sturdy enough. You need me because I’m the only chance you’ve got to make it in this world. You don’t have the stomach to deal with the world without me. You invited me in. You asked me for help, and I gave it to you. No catch. No fine print. Just help when you needed it the most. I know you better than you know yourself.

When you finally come to your senses and stop playing games, I’ll still be here for you. I’ll wait however long it takes because I’m loyal. So, go ahead, play the brave soldier, put up your best fight, little girl. Every child rebels against their caretaker at some point. Have your day. You have my blessing. But remember your place. When I speak, you still tremble at the sound of my voice. I dare you to find a voice that speaks louder than mine.

Ana was convincing and powerful, and Belle and I struggled to listen to the growing volume of the voice of the Self rather than to Ana’s voice. And although the Self’s voice ultimately did drown out Ana’s, we couldn’t help but to reminisce about the good old days and court Ana a bit during the negotiation process. At one point, we became panicked about what life might be like without her leadership.

Corset

Ana, where are you? I need my corset. You have always been my corset, holding me together. Holding me tight. I used to be able to feel you in the tightness of my stomach. I used to see your corset when my rib bones poked through my skin Cinched up tight around me. Strings pulled taut. Waist sucked in. A little hard to breathe, a bit constricted, but it felt safe. It gave me support. It didn’t let me fall. You hugged me with your tightness. I miss you. You held me together so all my emotional guts didn’t come spilling out.

Now your corset is no longer there, and I’m afraid that if you no longer hold me together, I am going to fall apart. The strings have come undone and so will I. I no longer have my corset to hold me together, and my emotional guts are falling out onto the floor and making a terrible mess. I wrap my arms tight around myself and try to hold myself together, but I don’t know how yet. It doesn’t work, and my guts just keep falling out onto the floor and making a terrible mess. What if I allow myself to fall apart and no one knows how to put the pieces back together?

What if I’m Humpty Dumpty?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s Horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

It’s not about being attractive. It’s about trying not to fall apart.

The Self continued to grow stronger, however, and its influence grew. Belle began to trust its wisdom, and she started to grow and mature into a young woman. She also started to believe that maybe life under Ana didn’t fit her anymore—that perhaps she had outgrown Ana.. The following is a conversation between the Self and Belle.

Clothes

“Belle, you have been trying on Ana’s clothes again, haven’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Her clothing is too small for you now. It’s too tight. It’s constricting you.”
“I know.”
“But you miss how she used to fit you—perfectly.”
“Yes.”
“You’re trying to shrink yourself back into her clothing.”
“Yes, but just for a little while. I’ve only lost a little weight. I wanted to wear her clothes one last time before saying goodbye. For old times sake.”
“I think you are playing with fire. I think you need to be careful. If you shrink yourself back completely into Ana’s clothes, you may not want to take them off again. That could be dangerous.”
“I know.”
“You have grown. You aren’t supposed to fit into Ana’s clothes anymore. Ana’s clothes are for a child, and you are no longer a child. You are shaped differently now. You have curves and complexities and depth. You are no longer shaped like a little girl. You are shaped like a woman. You don’t have to be naked and unprotected, you just need new clothes. Clothes that will fit you and will allow you to continue to grow. Ana has no more clothes to offer you. You have outgrown all of them. It’s time to stop trying to fit into clothes that constrict and bind you. It’s time to sew your own new clothes: clothes that will highlight and flatter who you are becoming, because who you are becoming is who you are truly meant to be.

By this time, Ana realized that her leadership was about to end, and she made one last desperate attempt to hold on to it. My weight made one more dramatic plunge, and Belle agreed to have one last meeting with Ana to hear her plead her case. Ana prepared well and was very convincing, reminding Belle of all they had accomplished before, how simple life would be again under her rule, and how scary life would be without her.

Ana was convincing, and after the meeting, Belle was torn. She knew that self-leadership would ultimately be the wiser decision, but she panicked over the prospect of no longer being taken care of by Ana.

This played out as one very torturous and sleepless night filled with internal debate over whether or not I should just “check out” of the whole “therapy crap” and welcome Ana back with open arms. Therapy is hard and scary at times. And learning to take care of myself and be taken care of by my Self seemed a lot harder and scarier than just letting Ana take care of me again. I decided to just give in. I had already lost some weight; it wouldn’t be hard to just keep going. In my mind, I planned to sign a new contract with Ana, and we would be back in business

The next day, I arrived at work feeling something was “off.” Closing the door to my office, I began trembling uncontrollably. My teeth began chattering. The trembling and chattering kept getting worse despite my best efforts to make it stop. I eventually called my therapist, who arranged to meet with me later in the day. The following is what took place during the therapy session later that day.

Confrontation

A conference room. A large table. Seated at the table are Belle and Ana (her subordinate parts in the background). Ana looks weary, but determined. She holds the contract in her hand and places it in front of Belle for her to sign, explaining it’s all for her own good—it’s for the best.

Belle resists. “No. I will not sign! I will not have her in charge again! I won’t! I don’t deserve this. This is not for the best! This is not for my own good! She doesn’t know what is best for me! I will not be bullied by her any more!”

I watch the scene take place through the eyes of the Self. Belle looks directly at me and urges the Self to take action. This is the first time Belle has ever bothered to speak up and to ask the Self to intervene. Up until this point, Belle instinctively knew that the Self was not strong enough to hold leadership in the face of Ana’s power. But now Belle prompts the Self to take action, confident that it is now capable of assuming the leadership it rightly owns.

No longer overpowered, the Self negotiates with Ana, acknowledging her efforts to protect Belle for so many years. The Self explains that Ana’s services are no longer needed, that rather than helping Belle, they were actually harming her. Instead, Ana is given permission to take a rest, a rest that is well deserved after so many years of such hard work.

This scene was obviously not the end of the work that was done in this internal family system—the work continues even to this day. But this was the moment when the Self first assumed its leadership, and it was a turning point in my internal family.

When I first began to work with Ana, I thought that the only way I could succeed in breaking free from her grip was to see her simply as the enemy. But when I got to know her better, I realized that she, like me, was a much more complex entity. I realized that it wasn’t in hating her that I would gain my freedom, it was in befriending her and understanding her.

Ana wasn’t simply the enemy, she was also my primary caretaker for many years and deserves credit for that. She allowed me to survive during circumstances that would have otherwise been unbearable. She is part of me, and to hate her would be to hate myself. She was not a demon that needed to be exorcised. Her work was simply done.

She took care of me for many years, and now I will return the favor by taking care of her and allowing her to rest. In doing so, I will give her a new job as my teacher and guide. And I will call on her from time to time to ask her to share the wisdom she holds about life and about me. In the end, Ana, whose name means gracious, but was not thought to be so, displayed the ultimate act of grace in agreeing to hand over her leadership to the Self for the good of the entire internal family system.

Once, seemingly an enemy, Ana showed me the depths of despair, brought me to the edge of insanity, and allowed me to flirt with death. Now, as an ally, Ana helps show me how to live.

©Copyright 2007 GoodTherapy.org for Anonymous. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. If you’d like to comment on this story, the author has given us permission to accept comments here. All comments are moderated.