Free Yourself
August 27th, 2007 |Written by Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM
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As a psychotherapist I know how important it is to develop compassion through practicing acceptance of oneself and others. Nothing else can bring a more profound sense of inner peace. When it comes to others, though, sometimes this acceptance is better from a distance.
Accepting people as they are does not mean that we have to embrace them. It’s fairly easy to accept minor negative traits, but toxic behavior is another matter. If a friend or relative can be counted on to say something hurtful, sarcastic, or cutting every time you see them it is often better to steer clear. Cultivating compassion for them is fine, but putting yourself in harm’s way isn’t. Acceptance does not mean taking abuse.
People sometimes have a hard time understanding this. What if your friend has suffered grievously and his toxic behavior is a result of his being abused or mistreated? Does that mean you should subject yourself to their cruelty?
It helps to look at it differently: if every time you saw them they punched you in the nose, then just because it really wasn’t their fault because they had some uncontrollable motor disease that made their fist jump to your face, would you continue to see them? When you would tell people that you didn’t see this friend or relative anymore because the bloody noses were getting to you, they would understand and commiserate with you. No one would push you to put yourself in harm’s way.
Unfortunately, people are not equally supportive if the abuse is emotional. Imagine that you have someone in your life who verbally knocks you around, or who is an emotional vacuum (every time you speak with them you feel completely depleted afterwards). And, let’s say, you decide to avoid these conversations and this person’s company. Do you think people will rally around you with their support? I doubt it. They’ll probably tell you to show some sympathy for your abuser and tolerate what you don’t like. It’s not like being punched, is it? They might even suggest that you don’t have to take it personally, or let it get to you.
You can understand—and accept—that the toxic behavior is not about you. But this kind of abuse wreaks havoc on an emotional level…one that’s far harder to deal with than a bloody nose.
As a society, we’d be far better off if we understood that emotional abuse—and the pain it causes—is every bit as bad as physical battering. However, emotional pain may be easier to repress. Once it’s repressed it can, and often does, manifest as self-injury. Self-harm has many guises: eating disorders, promiscuity, cutting, gambling, drug and alcohol addiction, and other, subtler forms of self-sabotage, like perennial self-downing.
When those in our inner sanctum perpetuate their own emotional detritus on us it erodes our self-confidence. Yes, many people grow up to become successful in spite of these early traumas, but emotional pain doesn’t just go away of its own accord. It simply dons more elaborate masks. One day, the psychic effort of keeping the demons at bay becomes overwhelming. Suddenly, there is a more extreme symptom of the inner suffering. This can be a severe illness from years of alcohol or drug abuse, bankruptcy from compulsive gambling, or divorce from the inability to truly connect with a spouse.
If we, as a society, start to understand the consequences of emotional abuse and stop giving them short shrift, we can head many of these problems off at the pass.
By teaching people that accepting someone does not mean subjecting oneself to their behavior we can begin to tear down our old Calvinist ideas of keeping a stiff upper lip. We can show understanding and compassion towards those who have been emotionally abused which will ameliorate their shame and remind them that, despite past experiences,
they are worthy of kindness.
So, by all means, practice acceptance but keep yourself safe. As the Buddha said, there is no one more deserving of compassion than you.
©Copyright 2007 Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Click here to contact Nicole and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
