Blogging on Good Therapy

Written by Alethea Smith-Withers, M.Div., D.Min.

Some years ago, I performed a wedding ceremony for a young African-American man and woman.  They are a striking couple.  The man, James, is an attorney and the woman, Ria, is a nurse practitioner.  They are ambitious, well-educated and dynamic young adults.  They like to travel and both are runners and have done a marathon together.  During pre-marital counseling, they shared that they wanted to wait for at least two years before they had children.  Both James and Ria seemed happy with their decision.  James was pleased because he said that he wanted to buy a house before they had children.  Ria expressed relief about not having children and she talked about needing time to develop professionally.  I sensed there was more that needed to be said and explored.  However, in the face of such seeming satisfaction, I initially thought there was little that I could add as the pastoral counselor.  I asked a few questions and somehow they shifted the focus to benign concerns about housekeeping responsibilities. They eventually married as planned.  But seven months later, they asked to see me for a few Couples Sessions.  They had heard that I had completed Imago Relationship training and were interested in experiencing the Imago, a unique approach to couples counseling.  During the first Couples Session, I introduced James and Ria to the Intentional Couples Dialogue and explained the three distinct steps and the gift that is a part of the process:

1) Mirroring - Listen to your partner without judgment or distorting his/her thoughts and feelings.

2) Validating - It’s not enough just to listen. You must learn to pay close attention in order to “understand your partner’s truth.”

3) Empathizing - Once the feeling is expressed, it’s time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
The Gift – The dialogue is strengthened when the couple is able to transform frustration into fulfillment or learn how to change something painful into a “gift.”

Ria offered to open the dialogue.  She talked about not wanting to have a baby.  Initially, James was hurt, but instead of interrupting Ria, he listened and mirrored Ria’s comments.  Ria said she felt like her mother and then she ranted about the way Black women have been chattel for many years.  She was extremely passionate, but James simply continued to mirror Ria’s statements.  After I offered a series of supportive lead statements, Ria finally confessed to James that she had been raped when she was fourteen years old.  Ria said that she felt her body had been “stolen” from her and that she was afraid that it would be “stolen” again if she became pregnant.  James mirrored Ria’s statements and as he mirrored, Ria began to cry.  James was visibly moved, as was I.  He validated her pain and fear and then, through his own tears, he expressed empathy.  Ria listened as James empathized and shared that he understood her pain and fear because he, too, had been abused as a child, not sexually, but verbally and emotionally abused.  In that moment they embraced the gift!

Recently, James and Ria had a baby boy and their little family is doing quite well.

There are thousands of relationship therapists, counselors, coaches and ministers who work with couples in the metropolitan area.  Most are well trained and committed professionals who have worked with countless numbers of couples.  I have been a minister for more than twenty years and I have sat with couples who were in various phases of their relational experiences: in the troughs of romance, planning for marriage, seasoned married couples with and without children, empty-nesters, couples suffering because of the trauma of addiction, illness, infidelity, or losses such death.  In every situation, couples felt supported, gained insight, skills and moved forward in their relationship.  However, like many counselors and ministers, I felt there was more that could and should be done in those moments.  I knew that when couples seek support, they were looking for relief from the immediate challenge in their life.  I also knew they were seeking something else… something out of sight… forgotten or misplaced.   I sensed that they were looking for something that, perhaps, they could not see because they were too close to it – a kind of emotional hyperopia.  

A few years, ago, I learned about Imago Relationship Therapy, created by Dr. Harville Hendrix.  Motivated by a colleague who is an Imago Relationship Therapist, I decided to enroll in the Imago Educators program sponsored by the Imago International Institute.  Immediately, I knew that I had found what I had been looking for… an approach that enabled me, as marriage counselor and relationship coach, to be in a place that could effectively support a couple in their journey toward individual as well as joint healing.  This unique approach to couples counseling brings together the major psychological theories of the century.  It rang true with me because it focused on personal growth and healing within the context of committed relationships.  In Imago Relationship Therapy, we learn that there is an unconscious purpose, the imago, which guides us in our selection of a mate and how we conduct our relationships.  I remember the moment I first heard those words!  It affirmed what I intuitively knew to be true and what I had seen in the work I had done with James and Ria and other couples over the years.  However, the difficulty couples face is rooted in their lack of awareness about why they are in their relationships, not from their choice of partners.  That makes sense; yet, in the midst of relationship conflict, that reality feels senseless and worthless.  It is the feelings of senselessness and hopelessness that cause couples to give up and to turn away from their hopes, dreams, and from one another.  All couples should know and be reminded that conflict is growth waiting to happen!  That truism offers an invitation and spiritual mandate to grow through pain rather than simply to go through pain.  

The path to healing and healthy relationship is detailed in Dr. Harville Hendrix book for couples, Getting the Love You Want, and his book for singles, Keeping the Love You Find.  Also, Dr. Hendrix was on the Oprah show.  In fact, Oprah selected his appearance on her show as one of top 20 unforgettable shows!  Her vast audience had an opportunity to see the Imago theory live and in action.  During the program, Dr. Hendrix demonstrated an Imago Couples Session.  Couples engaged an Intentional Couples Dialogue, demonstrating safe and effective communication.  The dialogues revealed the unconscious agenda that we all have in our love relationships which is to acquire love from our partners that we did not receive in our childhood so that we can heal old wounds.  On the Oprah set, millions of people watched as couples learned to transform frustration into fulfillment, and to use their relationship for support in their healing and growth – the gift. 

Mirroring, validating, empathizing, and identifying childhood wounds are life lessons of the highest order.  As an African-American-Caribbean woman, I know all too well the importance, challenge, and power of embracing life lessons.  Many African-Americans and other communities of color find themselves trapped in their childhood pain coupled with the pain they inherited from generations of socio-economic and cultural oppression.  That legacy of pain is in the fabric of their lives.  There are too few opportunities for African-American couples to confront childhood pain and to understand the intricate connection childhood pain has with the legacy of subjugation.  Strikingly, when cultural wounds are not identified, cultural wisdom and the prevailing heroic heritage do not emerge in ways that that enhance and empower relationships and families.  Historical and cultural pain impales all people.  However, when people discover, in practical and measurable ways, that pain is inextricably tied to the promise of growth, they are empowered to risk confronting themselves and are willing to expose themselves to others.  Couples will and do take risks to seek healing and wholeness when they have relationship tools that work within the broad and complicated context of their lives.  Imago offers tools that are effectual and are culturally and ethnically ambidextrous.  The Imago theory and approach enable couples, and especially couples of color, to mirror complex familial and socio-historical life issues, validate their pain, and to experience empathy in safe and healing ways.  

In addition, certainly not all, but many African-Americans choose a counseling approach that can embrace faith.  The Imago praxis invites and integrates the full context of people’s lives, whatever their values or beliefs.  Hence, not only can the cultural context be safely expressed, the faith and spiritual context of people can be held sacred and honored.  I understand the importance of faith, spirituality, and religion for many people.  I also understand that faith, spirituality, and religion are significant strands in the fabric of many cultures and traditions.  Counselors need to know and understand the religious context of a people and be willing and able to provide the language and symbols that have meaning for their clients.  I always hold my faith in my heart and share it in ways that honor my trust in the Divine.  In addition, as Spirit guides and directs me, I pray familiar prayers and, at times, even sing familiar songs to honor the context of the lives of the couples with whom I am working.

Finally, I am committed to helping individuals, couples, and groups identify the “barriers” in their lives – racial, cultural, ethnic, gender, economic, and emotional barriers – any and all barriers that prevent forgiveness, compassion, understanding, healthy relationships, healing and growth, abundance and love.  I know that it is challenging to identify the “barriers’ and all but impossible to make the critical curative breakthroughs.  But breakthroughs happen everyday!  And when they do, “bridges” need to be built that are functional and that will enable us to follow our passion, allow us to be spiritually attuned, and to live fully, brilliantly and completely!  Imago Relationship Therapy can lead you to an empowered life and to the relationship of your dreams!  Try it!

(Note:  The names, James and Ria, are fictional.  Names and particulars in the counseling scenario were change to protect the privacy of the individuals.)

©Copyright 2007 Alethea Smith-Withers, M.Div., D.Min. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 17th, 2007 at 7:59 pm and is filed under Marriage Counseling, Relationships, & Intimacy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.