Living with Addiction
August 15th, 2007 |Written by Eric Denner, LMFT
It can be very difficult to tell if someone has a problem with drugs or alcohol. In the past addiction was defined primarily by physiological measures: tolerance and withdrawal. In the past few decades the definition has expanded to include:
- taking the substance in larger amounts or over a longer period than intended
- desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control use
- a great deal of time spent in activities necessary to obtain, use, or recover from the effects of a substance
- failure to meet important social, family, or occupational obligations or giving up or reducing recreational activities
- continued use despite adverse consequences
- tolerance
- withdrawal
A shorthand way to identify a substance use problem is known as the 3 C’s:
- Compulsion or Craving (an inordinate focus on obtaining or using the substance)
- Loss of Control (using more or for longer than intended)
- Continued use despite adverse consequences (loss of job, relationships, money)
One of the hallmarks of addiction is denial, a defense mechanism that prevents people from seeing or acknowledging the negative effects their use of substances is having on their life. Part of the reason for denial is the shame that people feel when they lose control of their use. Legal and illegal substance use is actively and aggressively promoted in our culture through advertising, promotion, and informal, often subconscious messages. Strength and independence are important cultural values. Acknowledging a substance problem to oneself or to others can make someone feel that he or she is weak and cannot withstand the pressures of living. Yet the nature of alcohol and illicit drugs is to foster dependence. No matter how strong or independent a person is, if they use enough or long enough, they can develop dependence, whether it is physiological, psychological, or emotional.
Addiction is rampant in our culture, and it is not limited to drugs and alcohol. In addition to substances, people can be addicted to behaviors such as eating, sex, gambling, shopping, or relationships. The reason people turn to compulsive behaviors is the same: to escape or distract from pain. No one likes to hurt or suffer. Yet pain is a part of life, just like happiness, sadness, and fear. Escaping it, while it may seem attractive, prevents us from growing, learning, and developing. And it doesn’t solve the problems that are causing the pain. Usually, they make our problems worse or create new ones.
An often overlooked addiction is known as codependence, where someone is overly focused on another person and puts someone else’s needs above their own. Codependence is frequently seen in relationships where one person is addicted to a substance or behavior and the other person is addicted to them. It manifests in the partner’s excusing or overlooking addictive, abusive, or irresponsible behavior, and placating or pacifying the other person at the expense of one’s own happiness.
Living with someone who relies on substances or compulsive behaviors as their means of coping with life’s problems can be extremely difficult. For positive change to occur, ultimately the person with the unhealthy coping tools needs to get help for him- or herself. But for this to happen, the person’s partner must stop enabling and begin his or her own process of recovery from codependence. The partner must begin to put their own needs first and set limits around what behavior they will and will not tolerate from their partner. They must begin to seek and find satisfaction for themselves and not depend on their partner to fulfill all their needs. When the addicted person understands that their partner is not going to allow and enable their addiction to continue, he or she will have to choose between addressing their problem and losing the relationship.
Change is possible, though difficult. Help is available. Many people have recovered and are recovering from substance abuse and codependence. It is a choice that we make, whether consciously or unconsciously, to stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships and lives, or do the hard work necessary to change, grow, and become the satisfied, fulfilled, productive, creative, caring, and loving people we are meant to be.
©Copyright 2007 Eric Denner, MFT All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.
