When Yelling is a Pattern
October 6th, 2008
By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
Yelling is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other often, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling on a regular basis know what I’m talking about.
Yelling at Children
Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:
- Yelling at children teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.
- Yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.
- Regularly yelling at a child before the age of 3 or 4, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, “if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.” They are too young to know better.
Helplessness
Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:
- Make a conscious, verbal decision to stop yelling.
- Make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.
- If reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.
- Try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: “There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.”
By the way, in 29 years of practicing therapy, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling at my kid, what a mistake that was.”
Yelling at Your Spouse / Partner
Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.
Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.
Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”
More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.
Yelling Alternatives
I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:
- Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”
- Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.
- Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.
- In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.
- When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.
- After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.
Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you are making an attempt builds trust and self-confidence.
Wishing you a satisfying relationship,
Jim Hutt
©Copyright 2008 by Jim Hutt, PhD, therapist in Menlo Park, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
Ok this is totally me!!! I yell at everyone. I am married and have a son who is now 4 yrs old. I started yelling and getting so worked up with everything and everyone right from the time he was one. I now realise that my son probably obeys me more out of the fear of my anger rather than realising what he did was wrong. I feel so small today but I am intending to make a conscious effort to change myself starting from today. Great advice this one and I am going to try and keep it!!
My family is not a family of yellers, but boy there are some days when I could really just let it all out! I used to have a much worse temper but having a family has somehow had the opposite effect on me and has made me a much more mellow person. Sure this was probably a conscious decision on my part but I definitely like myself better today than I did when the only way I knew how to express myself was through anger and yelling at others. Kiera, I feel for you and am thinking about you today because I know from personal experience how hard it can be to break those patterns of behavior and as much as I know you want to do this for your son, change the behavior for you too. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel about life in general and your relationships with others when you develop different ways to communicate what is going on in your life. Best of luck to you!
It is when I get stressed about things that I really notice yelling more and more. I have been going through a divorce and I know I have not been the best to my kids lately just due to the amount of pressure I now feel and the anxiety and worries over ending my marriage. This article has given me some real insight into what I am doing to not only my children but also to myslef with this type of behavior. I am ready to try the tools for NOT yelling and dealing with my anger in a way that is more beneficila for everyone.
Yelling for me is something that always just makes me feel even worse than I did before I started! You always feel like it is going to be such a release but than you just feel guilty over the way you have behaved- I do anyway. This is a great motivation for me to try to stop.
itmakes me so mad when I see adults yell at their helpless children!!! don’t they realize they are being such poor role models for their kids and that they are teaching them that this is the only way to let off steam and deal with others when they are angry or frustrated.. children deserve better than that!
Dru D, you are correct. How children learn to act; what it means to be and how to be a woman, mother, wife, man, father, husband are all learned by observing and internalizing what we grow up with. Of course, parents who yell at their children often/usually were yelled at by their own parent(s) and so are acting on the only internal models they have. It takes real work and committment to change such behavior. The results, however, are well worth it.
I find it so sad when the only forms of communication I see between partners is that of yelling. Don’t they realize that things are meant to be so much better than this?
Jake,
Sometimes people’s history has “taught” them this manner of relating. It may not be that they purposefully choose to yell, but that this is what they learned in their family of origin. It can also be that they are overwhelmed with emotion and are not thinking
My son is nearly 4 now. We used to have squabbles and I had a bad habit of using offensive language which I consciously changed over the last 6 months. I see the damage done already. When I try calmly correcting him he says, “Shut up!!” I used to yell at him the same way before. Today I hear my own voice in his and it hurts more than anything in this world.
Just in case anyone is interested, I wrote a book called “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.” It provides practical alternatives to yelling that are easy to apply. The techniques work well in marital relationships also. I believe, like Dr. Hutt, that yelling is extremely harmful in family life. However, it’s not enough to want to stop. We need to know what to do instead that really works. I offer solutions in my book and on my parenting web site. You are welcome to post parenting questions on that site as well and I’ll be happy to answer them.
This is oh so familiar to me. I grew up fearing my dad, but loving him, because if we didn’t do something right or we got into trouble, we could bet that we would get more than a yelling. I think that is why I grew up scared asking for anything. I am married and I have a son and I can’t remember ever yelling at him when he was younger. I’m sure I probably did but I know that we usually yell to get things our way or to get something accomplished. I would hate to think my son has to fear either one of his parents.
I can see where this would be hurtful to the kids as well as adults. I still see parents yelling and screaming at their kids in the grocery store and wonder why they want to do that in front of other people. Sometime I see kids, just rebel when being yelled at, as if they are challenging their parents. So sad.
No one wants there children to be scared of them. It may seem at the time this is the only way to get children to listen to you, but in the long run, this can really take a toll on the children. I think this is why so many children, when they grow up and get married, they think they can yell at their spouses or children because that is what they learned.
Dear Kylie,
You make a good point. We learn about what it means to be a man, husband, father, woman, wife, mother from those who raise us and that is the model in our psyche. So, our future close relationships are often rooted in, based on, and mimic, those earlier ones. The good news is that while negative behavior may be learned, it can also be “unlearned,” or new, more productive and positive ways of interacting can be learned….often therapy helps in this process.
regards
Art
My wife yells at our daughter SOOOO often that I can almost say she always yells. I can be sitting on our couch 25 feet away and she hurts my ears, meanwhile she is in the restroom with our daughter trying to get her to wash her hands. I have tried and tried and tried to have a unified front in front of our daughter, but it is getting pretty bad. I usually do not have a problem with our daughter minding me because I am consistent with corrections, whereas my wife will all but beg her to do something for her. She will say, “Isabelle! Get over here….get over here right now…do you want a time-out….get over here now or were aren’t going to the so-n-so’s birthday party…Isabelle, I’m counting to three….” I’m not joking…it really is that bad. When I mention that she yells, she tells me that I’m being to critical. I don’t know what to do. If I were to look for professional help, what kind of professional should I look for?
Dear Del,
You are facing a very difficult problem. If your wife sees that there is a problem (that yelling is out of hand and not productive and that she’d like your daughter to “listen” without having to yell), then you can all see a mental health professional (social worker, psychologist, marriage and family therapist, etc). It may be that your wife will need to see someone individually to help her understand what drives her yelling and help her then move that insight into behavioral change. However, if your wife does not see any problem, does not want to change, or says, “she has to change first,” then you have a much more difficult situation on your hands. It may be, unfortunately, like having to choose your daughter’s emotional and psychological health or your marriage…in which case, you may want to consult with a professional to examine how best to proceed.
regards
Art
Well, as luck would have it, my wife and I had a long, sometimes heated, discussion regarding her yelling. She was extremely defensive. She named many reasons why she yelled…all my fault. Then it was the bills, then it was work, then it was…you get the picture. After an hour of stopping her every time she tried to transfer blame for her yelling, she took a break from it all and got the mail. What came in the mail, you ask? The latest issue of Parents magazine, and on the cover was the title to an article called “Discipline Without Yelling”. She said it was God speaking to her and she took it to heart. No disrespect intended, but I don’t care if she thinks it was Elvis and Hoffa both speaking to her from Santa’s sleigh as long as she stops yelling at our daughter. After reading the article, she has improved dramatically. Her volume raises then goes back down before she finishes her sentence. I am very proud of her; it couldn’t have been easy. We have barely started our journey to a more quiet house, but I have high hopes.
-Del
Dear Del,
Great to hear your good news.
Often change occurs when a person is in the right frame and then it just takes a serendipitous event/moment to make it happen. As Einstein (?) said, genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration….it may be that all your previous discussions set the stage so that the magazine was that final push.
regards
Art
i am sitting here feeling very helpless and feeling awful for yelling at my daughter this morning before school. She just started yesterday at a new school, intermediate now, and yesterday she went to the skate park with friends and lost her school shoes. aaarrgghh!
i always yell at her say awful things that i know are definetly not encouraging or going to help her, but it seems i just cant hold my tounge.
but i realise i do have to find a way through my yelling as there are more worse situations than this, thaat would be more fitting to yell, but i feel weak.
i cant wait till she comes home and i can hug her and work through her area of weakness positively..and my weakness too.
Chareen,
People feel helpless for a lot of reasons. Rather than trying to go in to all of them right now,
I want to give you some alternative ways of responding when you feel helpless, like you want to yell at your daughter:
1. Tell her you will talk about the situation when you know what you want to say that will be helpful.
2. Go to: loveandlogic.com and order “The Lifesaver Kit.” Just do it.
You will find alternatives to being helpless that will change your life.
Jim Hutt, Ph.D.
Wow! Help! I am witnessing things in my wife that I’m not sure how to stop. We have twins and I have never witnessed anyone so unhearted as my wife. She constantly yells and screams at them and berates them, slams doors, never plays with them, and if one falls and hurts themselves will sit on the couch and not even react. They are only 2 1/2 and I seriously am worried at the road we are going down. I don’t ever remember growing up in a household like this and my wife will throw every excuse in the book that the way she reacts is justified. She will respond with things like if you think you can do better, than you stay home. I would LOVE to stay home if someone didn’t have to go work and pay her credit card bill that she won’t stop spending. We both have careers but since the twins her energy to find a job has dwindled to nothing. It makes me so mad that when I talk to her about this it sets her off into a yelling, slamming rage usually in front of the kids. She is being seen for severe depression and I have tried to talk to the doctor about what is REALLY happening at home but the doctor will not discuss her patient due to the medical laws. I hate her parents very much because my wife has admitted many times that this was the household she was raised in.
Doug, your cry for help is unmistakable. Here’s a short answer because I think you will get more out taking action and reading less: find a couples therapist, and see someone as a couple–soon!
If your wife will not agree to that, find an individual therapist, see that person, sign a release to have your therapist talk to your wife’s therapist.
You might also ask your wife if you can come in with her to see her therapist.
Thanks for the reply and we are seeing a couples therapist and she has admitted all these things in counseling. After a therapy appointment her waking up moment will last maybe for 2-3 days and she has the motivation to be a good mother but it then just starts coming back to rock bottom. Sometimes she walks away from the therapist furious with her and every time wonders why the therapist always seems to come down on her. Her doctor has recommended a personal therapist many times and I try to get my wife to a therapist but she lacks the motivation to go. Any attempt on my part fails and hence the cycle of yelling and slamming repeats itself.
You might want to ask your couples therapist to teach both of you specific methods of reducing reactivity. If the therapist does not know how to do that, then consider finding one who does. Reducing reactivity can be a complicated task, but by your description, that needs to be the main focus, it seems to me. And reactivity will not lessen by being told to calm down. Specific measures must be taken, which I cannot teach you in this blog.
I find myself yelling because talking with my husband hasn’t helped.
We talk about our issues, and one of them is his avoidance of responsibility. He admits he withdraws and lets me handle the kids, mine and his from his first marriage that he has custody with. On top of this, I deal with his rude, angry, mentally ill ex wife who is constantly causing chaos in our lives.
I catch myself yelling and I stop sooner. Sometimes though, when I begin to yell during an argument, I’ve already asked my husband to let me collect myself but he won’t. He will keep talking and being sarcastic or basically forcing me to keep talking when what I really need is to calm down.
He’s gotten a LITTLE better at letting me go away into another room to recollect but usually takes it as an insult and gets angry! I feel we are never going to get it together.
I’ve resorted to staying in one part of the house most of the time and I’m very depressed. Will probably end up divorcing.
Dear “Mrs”. Your post is riddled with blame towards others for causing you to yell. That is classic. If this was OK to do we would ALL go around yelling all the time.
comment: Of course he does I’ll bet you make him feel as if he is a screw up so why should he try?
No doubt you will get divorced but I bet your husband loves you dearly he just doesn’t like your yelling and treating him disrespectfully. I say all this out of personal experience. I’m almost sure its YOU, not them. Please consider this. If not, be alone. That’s probably what you secretly want anyway —– or you wouldn’t act this way.
My tears pour when I saw my son yell at his 3 years old girl….how did this happened? I was not a yeller or a spanker…
I sent the link to your page and had great results…I just needed to thank you for such a wonderful article…we cry, we hug and we are learning…
just another mom, you are an awesome mom! If you have a minute, go to my web site, and look for other articles and videos that your son may appreciate.
I wish you all well.
Women love to yell. My grandmother yelled. My mother yelled. My sisters yell. All of my ex-girlfriends yelled. My wife is yelling too. Women yell and never admit to have a problem with it.
I wish there would be solutions for this.
God help us. My wife yells at the kids and puts them down. She does the same thing to me. Nobody ever lives up to her expectations, and every problem is caused by either me or the children. It is hurting our whole family. She comes from a family of yelling and contentious women. I see why Saint Paul said “I wish every man were as I am (not married. If you marry you will have problems and will have to please your wife.”
Wow, the article and comments were very explanatory and interesting. I am in a relationship where my partner is the yeller. We have been together 4 years – We have come to a point where he can’t go a day without feeling the need or urge to shout! He will shout because of anything. Literally, if anything small irritates him he will start to shout – but its mainly aimed at me. He has a really deep voice as it is and hes quite a big guy compared to me and my size. so when he shouts its quite intimidating. Its really getting to me. Im usually a relaxed and easy going person but now i feel so angry and cry, most of the time i dont know what to do, if i shout back the situation gets worse, if i give him the silent treatment it will irritate him also, if i cry – He doesnt understand why i cry – he thinks i like to cry or i need to cry because im a soppy person, but i hate crying! i feel so low when i cry it sometimes is the only way i know how to deal with my frustration or hurt without arguing. Anyway, I dont really know how to cope with it. sometimes if we are in a public place and i tell him to keep his voice down, he has the most annoying moany tone, its so annoying like a spoilt bratty child! is there something wrong with him mentally? is it immaturity? i dont know – but how do i make it stop!? :S
Mai, I feel for you, but the only behavior you can control is your own. It must embarrass you to be in public with “a yeller” yet your husband already knows this. He is using yelling to control you and keep you where he wants you, therefore you have this pattern of behavior with each other. It is that of an “enabler” and the “abuser”. Seek therapy for yourself so you can learn how to react to his “yelling”…it can make a difference for you and give you peace of mind. If your husband will acknowledge that his behavior is abnormal…then perhaps you both could seek counseling together. I wish you the best.
Can anyone recommend a good book or articles/websites that focus on yelling at your partner. We don’t fight but when I speak to her about something I’m sad, angry, frustrated, happy or excited I raise my tone. I grew up in a house with yelling and I’m very ready to nip it in the bud before the children come into play. She asks me very nicely to stop yelling and I just yell back I’m not yelling! When she tries to walk away I get even more upset. Any advice please!
I’m in my 50′s. I’ve got a college degree, but have never been able to hold onto a job long. I have problems with depression and anxiety. My siblings also have problems. They too have college degrees and are unemployed. I grew up in a time, and in a household, where yelling (on a daily basis) and spanking were the norm. You tell me if it was harmful.
One thing missing here. As a yeller myself, one of the reasons I yell is because my husband doesn’t lift a finger around the house unless I have nagged him to death for weeks on end. My children don’t listen on the first or second request, instead they are becoming more and more like their father, waiting until I explode and can’t ask nicely anymore. Nothing gets done in our house unless I do it. I’m tired and I’m exhausted. We homeschool, too, so I am rarely without a child. My husband travels yet we never go on family vacations. There isn’t a whole lot of fun in our home, and I refuse to take the full blame for that. It takes two. After reading the article and these comments, I urge you, if you live with someone who yells, to ask them what can YOU do to help make their life a little easier. Maybe you are dumping on the yeller without even realizing it. Maybe the yeller feels very taken advantage of and is at the end of their rope. This is how I feel everyday, and everyday I yell about something, even when I wake up in the morning and vow that I won’t raise my voice today. It doesn’t last because I come downstairs to find a mountain of things that need to be taken care of, and three males sitting on the couch looking at their phones and i-pads and watching TV. Just because a wife/mom is a yeller doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person who must have better self-control. Sometimes it’s because she’s drowning in a sea of to-do lists and no one she lives with cares about lending a hand.
Wow, J, things sound absolutely awful for you at home! First of all, I hope nothing my post led you believe that you are a bad person because you yell. Quite the contrary, you sound like a very good person who is in a lot of pain.
Obviously I do not know your situation details. By what you wrote, it appears you and your husband would benefit from counseling for the marriage. Second, it also seems that the kids are not required to do much around the house, and instead feel entitled to ignore your requests.
In order to change that, and you can change it, go the following web site:
loveandlogic. com. Once there, buy The Life Saver Kit. I do not get paid to refer folks to use this stuff. Quite simply, I used it to help my wife and i raise our own (now adult) children. All I can say is that it changes our lives for the better.
Love and Logic will give you all the alternatives to yelling. Let me know how it progresses. I want to know.
I’ve been married with my wife for about 17 years, and it’s the 1st marriage for both of us. Before the marriage, we had known each other for about 3 years then dated for another 3 years, so the total amount of time we’ve been together is about 23 years so far. As you can guess, I loved and still love her very much. Now we have 1 boy (10 year old) and 1 girl (3 year old). Normally, my wife didn’t yell or criticize my son and me. Of course, she yelled me sometimes, but it’s not a big deal because it happened rarely (when I did something wrong).
Since couple year ago, thoght, I’ve noticed that my wife’s yelling, shouting, and criticizing my son very often, especially this year. Frequently it happened to me too when asking to stop yelling at him or ignoring her criticizm about me. Often she yells at and criticizes me in front of my kids. Of course, I felt so bad, but most of times I try to ignore whatever my wife says, but once in awhile I couldn’t stop myself and start arguing with her. Then, the conversation’s getting worse over time, and we begin to criticize eadh other with the family histories, personal behaviors, our parents, family members, etc. When the topic moves from other topics (our kids, friends, or family members) to me, my wife often yells that she’s mad at me because I was telling her a lie or ignoring her when asking to me. I confested her that I was trying to ignore her because I didn’t want to argue with her, which always led to the conversation getting worse.
The latest case (my wife claimed I told her a lie) happened when my son and I were talking. While my son was laying down on a couch and reading a book in a family room, I was asking him to go to his room and read the book. At that time, my wife was in the next room and misunderstood what I was saying. Then, she shouted, “Turn the TV off! Why you turned on the TV!” At that moment, my son and I were little confused with her response, and I went to the room she’s in and told her that he didn’t turn on the TV but read the book. I was smiling but she felt that I smiled bitterly. Then, the argument was getting worse and worse during the night, we criticized each other, and she started to blame me. So, I asked her who started this argument. Her answer was that’s me. She said I started first. Silly… I know… But, I was very frustrated and said to her that she started yelling at my son then transitioning to me when I told her what I asked to my son. Guess what? Then, she said that she asked “Who turned on the TV minutes ago!” So, I said “What are you talking about? As you know I was there with the kids watching TV at that time. Later I was out of the room with (my daughter), and he (my son) turned off the TV and read the book. Still I don’t understand why you are mad at me because there’s no relationship with what you were asking.”
In addition, recently my wife frequently complains about the friends, family members, kids, and me. But, she changes her mind whenever the person does good to her. Up and down, and… up and down… One day, complaining against her friend, but the next day she changed her mind and said that her friend’s really good. Since I’m not that kind of person who’s easy to change his/her mind, I often found myself frustrated with such actions.
It’s kind of a crucial moment to our relationship (and marriage) because I’m fine at work but I’m not happy when coming home due to my wife’s attitude/behavior. When coming to home after work, sometimes she told me that I should take care of the kids at home because I was enjoying my personal time at work. One time I asked her, “Don’t even play me with that. Working at the company is hard, and I’m little tired with such a joke.” Then, she sometimes changes her face and starts complaining against me about everything, like my daily exercise pattern, eating habit (I’ve tried to cut junk food but run (and exercise) more frequently as she’s always recommended to me since we met), etc. Even she sometimes but really complained why I’m doing the workout harder and getting slim. Also, she then includes this comments, “Do you like a man? You sometimes act like that way.” What a crap!
Anyway, I feel so bad about this situation and now consider about the worst case… seperation… But, the kids… We both are christians, so I often payed to God “Help!” I want to overcome this kind of situation cleverly and wisely if I can instead of going to the bad situation. If you have any valueable comments/ideas to fix our marriage, please do so. I will appreciate it.
I’m glad found this site. I have known my husband for 7yrs and married for 5. From the time we were dating, he was already yelling. First time I took him to meet my family, we stayed for 3 weeks and in that time he would yell at me in front of them. After this holiday I sought of pulled away from him but we did get back together and he proposed end of that year and we got married. There is no single holiday we’ve been to without him tainting it with his yelling. He yells at me in front of our kids, house help, guests… now we have children and he is yelling at my sons, even my 13 month old baby. It breaks my heart. My friends have observed it and some even saw him hold me forcefully in public. Friends are concerned, my family won’t say anything because I chose him. Everytime he yells, I shut down and withdraw to a point where I don’t feel any love for him anymore. I feel that I actually resent him. What has made it really bad is my children. I recently asked him which of his parents used to yell at him and he told me it was his mother. I hate his parents so much because they raised him like that. I do not want any child of mine to turn out like him. I’m here because I’m on the verge of asking for a divorce. I just don’t feel like I can remain in this marriage. He’s just hurt me so much. The last straw was when he shouted at me in front of the kids and a visiting relative. I tried to answer and he shouted at me to shut up. My 3 1/2 son was shouting at him to stop yelling at me. My son always takes my side each time my husband screams. When I try to tell him that yelling is wrong, he says it’s my fault or he tries to shift blame. I take care of my children from their food, health and clothing. When I ask my husband even for simple present on my birthday he yells at me that I sound materialistic. Well I can buy whatever I want so now I stopped. I never expect anything from him. I don’t care what he earns despite the fact that I helped him set up his Consultancy Firm. Recently we were in the mall together, he picked things for himself and I went to pick things for the kids and for myself. He went and paid about $500 for his stuff and let me pay the bill for myself and the boys. For me this was the ultimate selfishness. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to fall into the materialistic topic again. Please advice because I have no idea what to do. I have a good job and can take care of myself and my kids but I did not sign up for marriage only to divorce 5 years later. But I also will not remain in a marriage that is killing me internally and risks destroying my children. Thank you,
Cherie,
I’m glad you reached out, and while I am tempted to leave you a long response, I think it’s more appropriate to leave you a short one, to the point. First, no, you do not have live with what sounds like derisive yelling. Second, the antidote in not necessarily divorce. Third, find a seasoned marital counselor and go. DO NOT beg or try to force your husband to go with you. Instead, set up the appointment, and invite him. If he says no. fine, go without him. Continue to go and have the counselor help you make non-codependent alterations to your behavior. At some point, it will become clear to you whether or not you can stay in the marriage in a healthy way.
Good luck, and i wish you well.
Thank you, Jim I’ll look up someone in our area and will be back to here to share how it turns out.
Great! I’ll be waiting to hear from you.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS SAY I’M YELLING? I’m simply raising my voice to ensure my point is made.
Husbands are so quick to put their wives down without realizing how difficult it is to raise children 24/7, 365 and care for the home alone with no help given or offered at all. Like the above poster I sometimes yell at my child because I am at my wits end on how to cope anymore. My husband does nothing to help around the house or with our child. Just because he’s the only breadwinner it gives him the right not to lift a finger at all. He says it’s my duty not his. I’ve tried talking, asking him to go for marital counselling but nothing works. I really don’t understand why he chose to get married and have a family if hE didn’t want any part in the ‘hard stuff’ ie: caring for the home and child. I feel like a servant in my own home not a wife. None of my views matter and I am constantly blamed for being upset or too tired to get intimate.. And the cycle repeats itself the next day. I hate that I yell at my child and would always walk away to cool down before exploding but sometimes it’s just so hard when you’re in it alone with no one, friends or family to turn to for help. I’m sure only another SAHM or dad in a similar situation like mine can truly understand the frustration.
In case anyone’s wondering, I’m a foreigner thus no family here. Husband won’t let me socialise at all and abuses me physically, mentally and emotionally. Why am I still here? He holds our child as ‘hostage’ and threatens to take our child away should I leave or report to authorities. I wish this on no one, no even my worst enemy. I am still planning an escape plan for me and my child. God help us. Sorry for venting.. Have no one to talk to. Thanks for listening.
This is my mom to a T. I mean, this definitely has given me some insight as to why she might be acting the way that she sometimes does. Still, though, it could be a number of things. I’ll try out these new techniques and see what comes of them. Thanks for the help!
i am so tired of husband geting anger fits where he throws things around wen he gets angry for a really stupid reason. He would scream his lungs out and start abusing his life also threaten me that if i don’t live the way he wants me to he would divorce me. This threat is so that i get scared and do what he likes. But i cant deal with it anymore at all. we had a love marriage two years ago and now my feelings have started to fade. what should i do feel its better not to talk to him and stay away because if i talk to him about this then his screaming episode begins again.
Emily,
Good luck with what you try. Dealing with yelling is not easy. Let me know how it goes.
Jim Hutt, Ph.D/, MFT
Shruti,
You really have your hands full in your situation. I think the next step for you is to find a counselor who understands relationship dynamics, invite (do not ask) your husband to go with you. If he refuses, go by yourself.
Let me know the progress you make, with or without him.
Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
its not always about sitting down to talk about something that starts the yelling, on my part. we don’t have a problem discussing things calmly. we know what starts the yelling and we know that he sits there with his head down or he stares blankly at me and says things like ‘I’m listening’. we also know that I cry and apologize after the yelling with lots of self loathing. he knows that many times, yes it is his fault.
the main think is yes I know the yelling is getting me no where fast. we also know that he is trying to do better on his part, by actually listening.
its me that is the problem and I don’t seem to have an off button.
We love each other very much and have only been together two years…so you see my problem. I hope.
Andrea,
I THINK I see the problem…it sounds as though you are telling me that of the two of you, that you tend to yell more than he does. Try this: Ask him to take on the role of a curious, dispassionate observer who wants to understand you.
Have him ask you questions that further his and your understanding of what triggers your yelling. He only asks questions–he does NOT provide commentary, editorial or judgement!
He can center his inquiry around three basic lines: What you think, what you feel, and what you do. Then he recaps what he heard, and asks another question.
Try this, and see how it goes. If you still have trouble, perhaps we can Skype and maybe I can help you break the pattern.
Stay in touch!
I’m in need of steps to take before my reactions get the best of me. My husband tells me it’s either a divorce or the yelling goes. I’m come from a vocal family and sometimes I do not mean any harm when I’m at the top of my voice. Everything I had in me was released out of pain and I cried for hours. My husband is like a waffle and I’m like a noodle, weak and emotional. I never thought in a lifetime my husband would mention a divorce and it literally broke my heart. Screaming to him is a sign of disrespect. I will have to admit that it has gotten physical a couple of times and I believe he is at his breaking point. I’m walking on egg shells and terribly horrified of losing my soul mate on something that can be fixed but HOW??? PLEASE HELP.
Mrs. Gaines,
Clearly, the need for counseling is long overdue. Your reactions have already gotten the best of you in the form of your husband telling you either the yelling goes, or, he goes.
If you want to stop walking on eggs, and you wish to preserve your marriage, go to counseling–NOW! But more than anything, counseling will help you discover other ways of managing that which is propelling you in to the reactivity that leads to the yelling.
If I can be of any help with regard to the counseling, let me know.
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