Therapy is Not a Place for Romance
November 4th, 2011
By Karen Kochenburg, LCSW Self-Care Topic Expert Contributor
If Hollywood is an indicator of our most common fantasies, modern Americans want to sleep with their therapists. I am horrified that so many television shows and movies depict romantic relationships between therapists and clients as though they were perfectly normal! The truth is, romance within a therapeutic relationship is as far from normal, acceptable, healthy, and sane as you can possibly get.
The writers of How I Met Your Mother currently have the character Robin dating her previous therapist. The relationship has been rationalized through a serious of cutesy excuses: “Well, we only had a handful of therapy sessions… it hardly counted!” and “Well, if we have a session where the previous client now becomes the therapist, it will all balance out!” ICK! In no way, shape or form is dating a current or previous therapist healthy, ethical, or socially acceptable.
Yes, there is a legal clause which states that a personal relationship between a previous therapist and client may be pursued two years after the termination of services. However, research tells us that the power imbalance remains strong even after time has passed and that romance in this situation is usually still emotionally damaging to the one who was the client. Hormones, brain chemistry, and emotional issues often inadvertently conspire to lead us toward unhealthy romantic choices, which is why therapists are clearly instructed that Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex (this is the name of a pamphlet that every single therapist-in-training in California receives on several occasions).
Even though in the movie 50/50, Joseph Gordon-Levitt appears to find care, comfort, and I-don’t-know-what-else in the arms of his intern therapist (I don’t know because I walked out of the movie), your therapist is neither your caretaker nor your best friend. Your therapist can help you develop the skills you need to go out and make friends and find someone to help you through the difficulties of life. But if your therapist tries to convince you that it is their role to love and protect you, run away! That is NOT appropriate therapy! And if he or she makes any sexually suggestive advances (verbal or physical), you know you are not working with an ethical therapist.
Extensive worldwide research and anecdotal evidence dating back to the origins of formalized therapy indicate that romantic relationships between therapists and their clients, regardless of which role is the initiator, are criminally damaging to the client in the majority of situations. The client is typically left with extreme emotional disruption, feelings of emptiness, isolation and guilt, and a tragically impaired ability to trust. Very good research and writing on this topic by Kenneth S. Pope can be found at http://kspope.com/sexiss/.
Certainly the therapeutic relationship is a unique situation wherein two human beings share space in a room while playing particular roles which ask them to maintain strict discipline of their human instincts, but to share the greatest level of openness and honesty imaginable. When deconstructed, the therapeutic hour shows itself to be a very bizarre social construct which is quite challenging to enact in a productive and healthy way. When properly delivered, the benefits of appropriate psychotherapy can be powerfully life-changing. However, there are many ways to get off track throughout the process, which is why therapists need to be well-trained, licensed, ethically and emotionally stable, grounded in common sense, and masters of self-discipline and self-care.
The boundaries around the therapeutic relationship are essential to the success and integrity of our profession, and I find it inexcusable for our entertainment industry to treat the subject matter so lightly and irresponsibly. We know that the mass public derives their sense of “normal” and desirable from the information presented on the screens in front of them. If this were an isolated incident of poor judgment, I could write it off as such. But the theme has become so ubiquitous as to appear in highly-rated productions reaching tens of millions (if not more, worldwide) impressionable minds.
I started enjoying the recently-cancelled sitcom, Free Agents, until the female character’s therapist asked her out during a session and they started dating. What?? After a few of their therapy sessions, in which he did nothing of therapeutic value, he declared her problem-free and decided to hit on her. My concern is that the writers of these shows may actually be typical, regular people who truly believe that relationships with therapists are normal. If this storyline is depicted in other regular people’s everyday media consumption, a very serious misconception about the purpose and practice of psychotherapy may occur.
Of course, romantic, sexual, and loving feelings can arise between two people who sit close together and speak of personal and intimate issues on a regular basis. A well-trained and ethical therapist will seek professional consultation if romantic or lustful feelings arise and will follow wise counsel as to the most ethical way to proceed. Often these feelings can be worked through and resolved without any negative effect on the therapy. If the feelings persist, the responsible and legitimate therapist will control his or her impulses and refer the client to another professional. With the help of an esteemed consultant, they can determine how best to implement the transition with the client.
The therapist portrayed by Gabriel Byrne in In Treatment struggled with sexual feelings toward a client in the first season of the series. I have not seen these episodes, but I know the series is highly revered and often seen by the general public as an accurate representation of therapy. It was very disheartening for me to hear that this character acted on his sexual impulses, even though he apparently understood the harm that physical intimacy could do to his client. I think these representations are misguided and ill-advised, as they imply that the psychotherapeutic setting is always imbued with sexual energy and tension.
It is not uncommon for strong feelings to arise in a psychotherapy client. For many schools of thought, this is actually an important part of the therapeutic process. However, if the feelings become strong enough to breach the integrity of the therapy, they must be addressed. In the healthiest of situations, the client would admit these feelings to the therapist—the best therapeutic alliances are built on trust and acceptance, communicating to the client that no judgment or disgust will befall them in that room, under any circumstances. If a client shares the feelings s/he is having, the issue can be discussed openly and often can be resolved, bringing greater insight and personal power to the client. If the feelings cannot be redirected and resolved, it is best to help the client find a new therapist to continue the growth work in a non-sexualized setting.
Looking at current blog posts, I see many people justifying their seductions, romances, and friendships with their therapists. Most of these bloggers are writing at the beginning of their relationships and seem not to believe that they may not get a Hollywood ending. I am very concerned that media representations of our profession are casting a skewed and uninformed light on this very complex issue. The general public is clearly buying into the idea that dating their therapist may be legitimate. Just to reiterate one more time to be sure I have been absolutely clear: do not look for romance with your therapist!
Perhaps we therapists can take this challenge as an opportunity for greater enlightenment and education with our clients. It will keep us on our toes (even more), so that we may identify and address misplaced emotional feelings that arise in therapy. This aspect of the profession is difficult enough without added pressures from the mass media. However, our awareness of the issue can serve to reinforce our ethical stance and prepare us for any type of challenge that may walk through our consultation door.
Related Articles:
Right Use of Power: Ethics as Soul Work
Naked Therapist – A Sign of Profound Woundedness
Ethical Discipline
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Comments
I have no desire to date someone who has analyzed me like this; I don’t think that most other former patients do either!
You forgot Prince of Tides for boundary crossing – yikes.
Sleeping with a client’s brother is as taboo as sleeping with the client in my opinion.
If the therapist is hitting on me then I am out the door! Hopefully I have retained a little more sense than letting that happen!
Where are the pros who need to be drawing the line over things like this? They are the ones who should be expected to know better and not allow things to progress any further than a professional relationship.
Sometimes the patients in these situations are already confused about life. They do not need the added pressures of trying to navigate these kinds of feelings for their therapist.
Somebody has to be the adult and I firmly feel that that is the responsibility of the therapist or counselor.
While there are always those perverts who look to ‘hook-up’ whenever and with whoever they can, there are also some who could misunderstand the work of their therapist as romance. Its like walking into a doctor and getting treated. But then going back because you think there is something between the two of you because the doctor helped you through your suffering and healed you. Sounds ridiculous isn’t it?
And the problem when it comes to therapists is that there is just so much that a client would share with the therapist that some people might feel compelled to think there could be something brewing…
no doubt such a thing could lead to problems for the client because in the process of solving one problem,this could well be the beginning of a new one! another thing I would like to add is that not only in case of therapists but in most of the professions,there is no place for romance.it will only lead to the mixing of your professional and personal lives and will eventually cause problems in both.even office romances could be damaging,as I have seen with a lot of people.
So can anyone ever see a situation where this may be ok? Like if you have not seen this counselor for a long time and then the two of you reconnect?
The problem isn’t TV! Those shows are comedy and drama at best and we all understand that. Why would you be appalled at such a thing at all? It’s entertainment only. That’s like criticizing pornography because a nurse or French maid would never do that. Most of us know the difference between fantasy and reality.
@Louise Lopez: I agree. I get exactly what you’re saying and I think the original poster is overreacting. I’ve done many jobs and none are as bad/as good as the media would have you believe. We make all kinds of assumptions because of TV portrayals. We have a skewed perception of reality but it’s easy to know most of the relationship scenarios in sitcoms are not the norm.
I really doubt those laws could even be enforceable in any way unless a client decided to go after their therapist and gather evidence against them while being in the relationship.
How would you prove a sexual relationship? Stick a hidden camera in the bedroom? Record phone calls? My guess is that’s more illegal than a doctor sleeping with a patient. Unethical, yes, but illegal.
Most therapists are already living with the weight of the world on their shoulders imho. One I know told me he is going to resign at the end of the year and seek therapy himself for depression. He gets very attached to some of his clients (not in a romantic way) and it depresses him more and more what they have suffered. I guess he’s just not cut out for that kind of work as it’s hard for him to distance himself from that.
It’s always amazing to me when people write about and review things they haven’t seen, based on conjecture or assumptions. You walked out of 50/50 (which in and of itself makes you suspect, as it is an inspiring and important movie, as well as an entertaining one), and you never watched “In Treatment” (which portrays the crossing of boundaries as inappropriate and the consequences as very real). As for “How I Met Your Mother” and “Free Agents”, to use silly sitcoms as a harbinger for anything is ridiculous. Why anyone would read your column (unless they are as small-minded and hypocritical as you are) is beyond me.
I agree completely with the author. Television has made it look normal and okay for therapists to date their patients. It seems to have become a weird trend over the past few years for TV characters to date their therapists. The fact that some of these shows are comedies doesn’t make this excusable. I’m disappointed that shows that I like, such as How I Met Your Mother, and New Christine, have made these kinds of relationships appear cute rather than dangerous.
Thanks for writing this. I do think that movies and TV normalize behaviors and attitudes and influence attitudes. The depiction of gays and lesbians in media has had a positive influence. I have often wondered how all these depictions of boundary crossing therapy have affected the public’s impression of therapy.
@Hypocrite, you’re overseeing the point of this article. For the general public, even ‘silly sitcoms’ serve as parameter to interpret everyday life.
What’s worrisome is not that I refer general public solely as the uneducated little guy, but also to anyone who’s not specialized in psychology.
Even intellectuals and opinion leaders can easily believe that there’s nothing wrong in going out with one’s therapist, and TV can surely add to that misunderstanding.
On a different note, despite my appreciation of learning how dangerous romance in therapy can be, I still think dramas are just doing their part in inspiring and entertaining the audience.
Sure, they can be wrong in their depiction, but it’s not up to them to educate. Gladly there are sources like this site from which we can learn appropriately.
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