The Role of Self-Acceptance in Eating Recovery
March 18th, 2010
By Deborah Klinger, MA, Eating & Food Issues Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Deborah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
People who struggle with eating and food issues often also struggle with poor self-esteem. I say “poor” rather than “low” because I believe the concept of high and low self-esteem to be problematic. If low self- esteem means perceiving one’s self to be inferior to others, it follows that high self-esteem means perceiving one’s self to be superior to others. Healthy self-esteem is neither high nor low. It is defined by the lack of concern about one’s worth, coupled with a sense of competence and a belief in one’s innate value. When one is comfortable in one’s own skin and doesn’t worry about whether they are good enough, being neither better than nor worse than anyone else, that’s good, solid, healthy self-esteem.
Years ago, I worked for a foster care agency, where I taught classes to prospective foster parents. Out agency used an excellent curriculum called Model Approaches to Partnerships in Parenting (MAPP). MAPP was designed to help prospective foster parents understand the experience of children coming to live in their homes. One of the MAPP modules was on self-esteem. It explained that, in order for a child to develop a sense of healthy self-esteem, they have to be taught, by virtue of the way they are treated by parents and caregivers, that they are four things: loveable, capable, responsible and worthwhile. It’s not just about what children are told, it’s also about how they are treated, and what kinds of responsibilities they are given and when.
Getting three out of these four isn’t enough. It’s like a dining room table: all four legs are needed for it to work as designed. When parents aren’t able, whether because of their own experiences earlier in life that failed to enable them to develop healthy self-esteem, or by circumstances that interfere with their ability to parent well, to convey to their kids that they are these four things, children look outside themselves for indicators that they are good enough. They compare themselves to others using the criteria available: the grades they make, athletic abilities, physical appearance, popularity.
When eating problems develop, comparing one’s self to others intensifies. The act of comparing functions as an attempt to decrease feelings of insecurity and anxiety. The person who struggles with eating and food usually compares his/her body size and shape to others. A smaller body means relief and reassurance; and bigger body means anxiety and shame. The disordered eater judges him/herself harshly, to keep him or herself in line with food and exercise. This judgment erodes self-esteem even further, and perpetuates an unhealthy relationship with food and body.
The antidote is self-acceptance. This is bedrock. It means zero self-judgment, no self-criticism, no comparing to others, no using external criteria as indicators of worth or value. It means affirming that, “No matter what I do, think, feel, say, or look like, I deeply and completely accept myself.” It’s not about whether one is acceptable in the eyes of others. The active practice of accepting one’s self is healing.
Acceptance doesn’t mean liking or approving of something. It means not fighting reality. Not fighting the body one is living in today, or flagellating one’s self for eating or exercise behaviors, but simply acknowledging, without any judgment, what is. For it is axiomatic that nothing can change unless and until it is first accepted.
The idea of self-acceptance often raises concerns: “If I accept myself as I am, it’s condoning unhealthy behaviors.” “If I accept myself, I’ll never be motivated to change.” “I can’t accept my [body/behavior] because I find it repulsive. I have to improve it before I can accept it.” I’ve often said that I’ve never seen anyone whip or beat themselves into making positive changes. Practicing non-judgment of one’s self creates safe space, an arena in which there is no pressure to better one’s self, but instead an opportunity to heal.
©Copyright 2010 by Deborah Klinger, M.A., LMFT, CEDS, therapist in Chapel Hill, NC. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
The problem with most individuals is that they are more bopthered about how others see them rather whether they themselves like them…this over-dependence on others’ judgement can do a lot of harm to any person. The onus is therefore on the parents to teach their children that they need not care about what others think of them or have an image of them but they need to be the ones responsible for any dictation of their own image!
It is human to be wondering what others think of you and how they see you…hence I would say rather than ignoring what others think we should try and work to be good enough.That way we will be satisfied ourselves and the same will be acknowledged by the others too.
Thanks, Mia and G.! I would say that it is the job of parents to reflect back to their children their innate worth. I agree that it is human to be concerned about what others think of us, yet I believe that it is important to know that our worth can’t be determined by or based on what others think of us.
Believing in our innate worth is part of healthy self-esteem. It’s human to like approval from others, but important not to need it to feel OK about ourselves.
other people’s opinions are good,yes.but we should make sure that it does not gain so much importance that it becomes the most important thing for us,even more than our perception of the sef.after all,we are the most important person to ourselves and others’ views and opinions should never be let to dominate us.
think that low self esteem is one of the first reasons why someone would develop an eating disorder in the first place
Peter, I agree! Charlotte, yes, low/poor self-esteem is a factor than can contribute to a person being vulnerable to developing an eating disorder.
Simply telling kids to just let it roll of their backs and not worry what others have to say is fine but that alone does not do the trick. You have to show them ways to deal with those things and give them the confidence to shake it off.
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