Dating: an Old Fashioned Concept for a Modern Age
June 9th, 2010
By John Sovec, LMFT, LGBT Issues (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
You are out at a bar and you met someone who is attractive, seems interesting and interested in you. He asks you for your number and you offer it up freely.
The next day you get a call from him and you decide to have coffee that evening. Coffee goes so well it stretches out into dinner and then a late night drink. Maybe you go home together and the next morning feel that wonderful afterglow and the feeling in your heart that this could be the one.
You begin to string together images of moving in together, buying a house, getting some pets, and traveling all over the world together as a story book couple.
Within the week you decide to move in and see how it goes. Six months later you are fighting all the time, can’t stand each other’s habits, and feel betrayed and hurt.
This is a common pattern that has developed in the gay community especially in people who are searching to repair a fractured family experience from their childhood. Rushing in and out of multiple relationships can make one believe that there is no true love out there and that relationships are for fools.
Maybe the problem is not the people one meets but instead the speed at which some modern relationships seem to careen forward into commitment and finality. The speed at which expectations and fantasies take over the reality of a relationship can overwhelm our ability to see the true person sitting across from us at the table.
This is where the very old fashioned concept of dating might have a place in the modern hyper-speed world that we live in today. Taking the time to slow things down and really get to know someone takes time; it takes work; it takes focus; and can even be a little scary but at the same time can create a strong foundation for a truly powerful relationship to develop. By taking the time to actually get to know someone we are investing our own energy more wisely and setting up for future success.
A concept that can be very helpful in this slow-dating approach is the idea of qualifying this potential new partner. Look at the qualities potential partners present not only to you but also to the other people they interact with on a daily basis. Notice how this person interacts with friends both when those friends are present and when they are not. Does he treat these friends with respect and kindness?
When out on a date, how does this new potential partner interact with the staff at a restaurant? Do you observe respect and generosity? Or do you observe demanding and demeaning behaviors toward the servers?
These are all cues to a person’s true-life perspective and can give you insights into what living with this individual might be like.
Another important cue is to listen carefully to how a potential partner speaks about exes and the problems in their past relationships. These can provide valuable clues to challenges that the two of you may face in the future. Unless they have taken the time to do the work to untangle these past problems, the same issues will probably appear again in your future together.
These simple steps and the time it takes to implement them will make it easier to know the person you are dating rather than the mask that they wear to impress the world. Relationships are a lot of work and each one of us has to be willing to make that investment of time and energy for the best results to manifest.
©Copyright 2010 by John Sovec, LMFT, therapist in Pasadena, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
Dating I have found is a lost art. Too many times these days it feels like people rush into those instant relationships- they click from the evry beginning and think that things are going to be like that forever. NOT!
They really fail to take the time to get to know one another, to learn their quirks and to find out if this is something that they really can deal with for the rets of their lives.
Having been there done that now I sit back and wonder what the rush is all about. What’s wrong with going on some dates, even for a year or so and getting to know everything about somebody before jumping in and making that kind of committment? My mom always asked me what the rush was all baotu and now I ask myself and others the same exact thing!!
I agree with you…Most youngsters now do not take the time to asses and evaluate whether the relationship will work and do not even take some time off after having a failed relationship.They rush into a relationship like there’s no tomorrow and thus this feeling of not feeling good soon afterwards sets in.
Dating itself was invented to actually give a platform for people to get to know each other and then decide whether they want to go ahead if they feel he./she is the one.But most people today use this as a tool to fulfill their physical cravings and hence there is a trend of people falling out of relationships faster than ever now.
I don’t think dating is something ‘old-fashioned’ that is not finding favor with today’s youngsters and that is why more relationships are breaking apart now.There have always been people who actually jump into a relationship with someone just because they are attracted to them with no real thinking of how far the relationship will actually go…there have always been such people.But its just that the number of such people has increased in recent times and that is why there are far more number of relationships that are falling apart nowadays.
And think of how much social networking has taken away from dating. Kids just hook up online now.
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