Lois has five minutes left to her fifth session and is now having a flash of insight; “I’m bored to death with therapy,” she thinks. “This is getting me nowhere.” She feels close to her therapist and decides that he deserves more than a false excuse. “Look”, she says, “I think we can both agree that we’re nearing the end here.” Unsure about how to respond to his neutral facial reactions, Lois plunges forward. “Believe me, I’m as bored by myself as you probably are. But there’s no reason to pretend that we’re making progress here when I’m just going over the same issues, again and again. You’ve been trying. I know you have. But I’ve got nothing else to discover about myself. I’m done. That’s all there is. I’m just done.”

There is nothing wrong with gaining the sense of wellbeing that comes with having a professional provide reflection and insight on one’s life. Lois is pleased with her therapist’s support and feels the first four sessions were a success. Brief therapy may have provided her just the supportive boost she needs as she continues to apply new coping skills on her own. If, on the other hand, there are uncomfortable symptoms plaguing her (sleeplessness, worry, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, intense relational conflicts, etc), it will be worth her while to take a second look at the boredom that is blocking her way.

Lois and her therapist are at a common juncture in treatment. Research into the phases of therapy conducted by Kenneth Howard of Northwestern University outlines a progressive, three stage sequence of change. In the first phase, the client experiences a restoration of subjectively experienced wellbeing. The second phase focuses on the resolution of the client’s symptoms. This phase occupies a greater number of sessions – generally, between the 5th and the 15th session of therapy. Curiously, due to the open ended nature of his studies, over one-half of the clients had discontinued therapy by session 4.

The Problematic Skill of Emotional Insulation
As children, most of us learn to create effective emotional boundaries around ourselves to keep us safe. Trapped with a negative or mean spirited crowd, our emotional insulation kicks in and we can feel somewhat removed from harm. Dropping layers of emotional insulation while with a nurturing friend, allows us to take in the nutrients of their care. By the time we become adults, this unconscious defense mechanism regulates our relationships automatically.

For those impacted by big or small experiences of neglect or harm from others, it follows that they would be regulated toward a self-sufficient stance with others. This insulation might be felt in the emotional brain as apathy and irritability when the “threat” of an ongoing relationship is apparent. The cognitive messages associated with the feelings may be something like “I’m fine not caring about this person. I’m waiting for them to leave so I can feel more safe.” Such feelings and thoughts get activated without permission from the conscious mind. Sometimes, as in the case with Lori, the realization of boredom can occur quite suddenly and emphatically.

Repairing Flaws in the Insulation
One does not need to be engaged in long term psychoanalytic care to see the importance of the therapeutic bond. Even in brief, solution focused therapy, progress results in large part from the trust established between those two people sitting in that room, taking time together to see what surfaces. Boredom is simply one of the body’s natural resistances to this process. Touching in to that boredom gives one the opportunity to test and perhaps readjust one’s automatic reactions. Similar to removing an unnecessary layer on a hot day, the act of staying in relationship even when bored is risky but can yield surprisingly pleasant results.

“So you’re feeling annoyed. I see that. Care to look at that feeling a little bit further?”
Lori laughs. Another minute or two, she thinks, and this will be over. “Oh great. So now I’m going to pay you for the chance to look at my boredom.” She rolls her eyes and opens her pocketbook.
“Only if you want to,” he answers. She hands her check to him. The two stand as she makes her way to the door.  Lori takes one last moment to collect herself before reaching for the doorknob.
“You know”, she says, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what comes next.”
She watches her therapist nod and smile. “And I can be here if you want to find out.”

The Physiology of Longing
Something as simple as a reliable relationship can stir profound emotions. On a spiritual level, it can reawaken a longing for connection to a source that lies at the very core of our being.

Empty yourself,
So that you may be filled.
Learn not to love
so that you may learn how to love.
Draw back,
so that you may be approached.
-St. Augustine Narration on Psalm 30:30

The automatic effort to prevent intimacy is just as important as the effort to step past the resistance. Taking a look at the body’s reactions to closeness and distance can be an unasked for but enlightening part of therapy. As Lori drives home, she is no doubt reexamining that nod and smile from her therapist as she stood at the door. The boredom that prompted their last interaction has now been unmasked to reveal an underlying uncertainty and frustration; and beneath that, an unanswered longing for connection.

There is no quick answer to Lori’s dilemma whether or not to return for another session. No certainty that therapy is the ideal site for her to place that longing, nor assurance that it’s better to listen to the call of her boredom and move on. She has her own mind to make up and her own body to tend to as she manages the ebb and flow of her tolerance for relationship. She is not alone in her struggle, though. Boredom and longing carry their unspoken and magnetic influences on our interpersonal behaviors, driving each of us to our own true north. Effective therapy simply offers us a safe place to unmask the process.

References
A phase model of psychotherapy outcome: Causal mediation of change. By Howard, Kenneth I.; Lueger, Robert J.; Maling, Michael S.; Martinovich, Zoran
Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol 61(4), Aug 1993, 678-685.