Anger-Free Discipline

March 1st, 2010
By Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc., Parenting Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

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Never Yell

Anger is a feeling – not a parenting tool. You will probably feel angry at your kids from time to time along the twenty year parenting journey. Here’s why:

• They don’t listen and you get frustrated and/or feel helpless or insulted
• You are emotionally stressed from other things going on in your life
• You are physically stressed from lack of sleep, illness, or other physical issues

Even though it’s normal to feel angry, it’s important that we don’t hurt our loved ones with this emotion. Have someone video you while you are screaming and you’ll quickly see why the expression of parental anger can be so damaging. Imagine what the following features look like to your child (particularly to a small child!):

• Your very unattractive, downright scary, angry face
• Your agitated, frightening movements
• Your booming/screeching, threatening voice
• Your harsh, unkind words

All of these communications can leave a child feeling worthless and unloved. These emotions can cause developmental harm, leading to the following types of problems:

• Nervous habits
• Physical problems
• Anxiety and mood issues
• Behavioral problems
• Social problems (and, in adulthood, relationship problems)
• Academic problems

What to do Instead

Fortunately, you can correct your child’s behavior without using any anger whatsoever. The best way to guide a child is through modeling and good-feeling teaching techniques (positive feedback, encouragement, acknowledgment and so forth). However, there are times in most children’s lives when boundary setting is also necessary. Kids have to learn to comfortably accept the word “no.” They also have to learn how to comfortably accept instructions and parental guidance.

When parents refrain from using anger to set boundaries and limits, children usually find it easy to trust and accept direction. The key, then, is to set boundaries and limits without using anger.

An excellent technique that accomplishes just that is called The Two-Times Rule (2X-Rule). Here’s how it goes:

• Ask a child to do something (or refrain from doing something).
• If you have decided that this issue is important and you are not in a negative cycle with the child (i.e. the child hasn’t been criticized or punished recently and you haven’t been arguing with him or engaging in any sort of conflict) and you are free right now to carry through with discipline if necessary, then – repeat your request AND offer the child the choice to either comply or to pay a named penalty. If the three conditions listed are not met, don’t repeat your request a second time; just drop the issue.
• If you asked twice and gave the child his choices, and the child chose not to comply, then simply, quietly and respectfully, give the penalty.

In action, these steps might go like this:

• You asked your child to turn off the computer.
• When you came back into the room, you found the child still on the computer. You decided the issue was important, things between the two of you have been good, and you are available to carry through with discipline. So, you ask the child a second time to turn off the computer and you also tell the youngster that if he doesn’t turn it off by the time you (count to 20, come back into the room in 5 minutes or whatever deadline you want), you will turn it off for him and he won’t be allowed on it tomorrow night.
• The child fails to turn off the computer. You gently and quietly turn off the computer without saying anything more except, “I’m sorry. You have lost computer privileges for tomorrow evening.”

It is VERY IMPORTANT when using the 2X-Rule to let the consequence do the teaching. Do not talk! No lectures, commentary, angry remarks, and so on. Keep your mouth closed and stay calm. Do not over-use the 2X-Rule because, even though it is less harmful than the expression of anger, it is a bad-feeling communication from parent to child. Use it only when absolutely necessary. Try to use good-feeling interventions almost all the time.

The 2X-Rule reduces parental anger when situations are tense: a child is doing something dangerous, or not listening or hurting someone or being irresponsible. It also stops a parent from working him or herself up. It says essentially, never ask a child to do something more than two times because you will walk yourself right into anger. When you ask a child 3, 4, 5 or more times to do something or stop doing something, you are going to feel irritated. You might even feel enraged! Keep yourself far away from anger by using this simple strategy.

(For a more complete discussion of how to use the 2X-Rule to replace anger, you can see my book, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice)

 

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©Copyright 2010 by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed.,C.Psych.Assoc., therapist in Toronto, ON. All Rights Reserved.

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