Sibling Abuse – Children Abusing Other Children
March 8th, 2010
By Roni Weisberg-Ross, L.M.F.T., Abuse / Survivors of Abuse Topic Expert Contributor
Even though there can be life long debilitating psychological effects, sibling abuse may be the most ignored – if not accepted – form of domestic (i.e. sexual, physical, emotional) abuse. Why is this kind of abuse ignored or minimized? There is a lot that is swept under the rug in the guise of “sibling rivalry.” And American law does not consider this a prosecutable offense unless a child is turned in by their parent(s). In other words, parents would have to be willing to file an assault charge against their own child. So parents keep this type of abuse within the family. And a lot of the time, they even blame the victim.
First some statistics: In an article entitled “A Major Threat to Children’s’ Mental Health,” Hart & Brassard reported that “There is evidence that brother-sister sexual relationships may be five times as common as father-daughter incest.” Finklehor and Baron, who are prominent researchers in the area of child abuse, state that “sibling sexual abuse is prevalent in a remarkably large quantity of individuals from virtually all social and family circumstances.” And a survey of 796 undergraduates of six New England colleges found that 15% of the females and 10% of the males reported having some type of sexual experience involving a sibling (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe). In this same publication it states that parents are aware of sexual abuse among siblings 18% of the time, emotional abuse 69% of the time and physical abuse 71% of the time.
Sexual abuse aside, how do we define or recognize abuse among siblings? When there is an inequity in power between two adolescents and one uses control over the other to repeatedly hurt, threaten, or degrade, that is abusive behavior. Even name calling and ridicule can wear away at a child’s self worth and self-esteem. “Children are especially vulnerable to degrading remarks because it is during their childhood years that they are developing a positive sense of self.” Unfortunately, most parents see this behavior as sibling rivalry. And while most emotional and even physical abuse, should and can be handled by parents rather than the law, first parents have to recognize that it is abuse.
Sexual abuse is another story. Most incidents of sexual abuse by siblings go not only unreported but also undetected by parents. Most times, the siblings themselves recognize that what is happening is wrong and certainly it is recognized by society as wrong. So unlike physical and emotional abuse, this should be easier to detect by parents. But most kids don’t tell. They don’t tell because the older sibling is an authority figure, or because they are threatened or scared, or because they don’t realize that it is abuse because they blame themselves as much as their sibling for what is happening. And unlike physical or emotional abuse, it is happening secretly because the older sibling knows that they have crossed a line.
What causes one sibling to abuse another?
1. Acting out anger at parents on sibling or acting out anger at an older sibling on a younger sibling.
2. Parents overwhelmed by their own problems not paying attention.
3. Inappropriate expectations – older sibling given too much responsibility or freedom.
4. Mirroring parents behavior.
5. Viewing the behavior as normal by parents.
6. Socialization of males as dominant over females.
7. Contribution of victim – “Research supports the hypothesis that the behavioral patterns of the abused child tend to invite further abuse” (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe) – it becomes a vicious cycle.
8. “It is important to note that this interactional cycle theory does not blame the victim!” Rather it identifies a pattern in order to treat and help prevent further abuse.
What are the long-term effects of sibling abuse?
Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.
So how do parents and other family members distinguish between abusive and normal (sibling rivalry) behavior?
1. Is it age appropriate?
2. Does one child appear to be a constant victim?
3. Is the purpose of the behavior humiliation, sadism, to cause suffering, a result of a continual explosive anger?
4. Was the behavior planned, has it happened before, does the perpetrator feel remorseful?
5. Was property destroyed or animals abused?
6. The length and the degree of the behavior. One-time incidents, if serious enough (i.e. sexual abuse), can create a life long problem. Whereas name calling, ridiculing, and even teasing if done consistently and at certain vulnerable ages (i.e. between six and seven years and/or between eleven and twelve years of age) can also create life long problems.
We need to build awareness and educate families about the difference between abusive and normal behavior among siblings. Listen to children and believe them. Good supervision and encouraging openness about discussing sex while informing children to “own their own bodies” and respect others are simple, logical steps towards protecting our children from abuse by siblings, cousins and other children.
©Copyright 2010 by Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T., therapist in Culver City, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
This may also happen if one child feels that the parents pay more attention to the sibling than him/her. While most people may tend to think of the reaction as simple sibling rivalry, it has sometimes lead to kids doing things like even murdering their siblings! The only thing that can be done is to educate parents regarding this.
My brother and I fought like normal brothers and sisters did but nothing like this. I don’t know how you can even get to that point of being so angry with someone who is your own flesh and blood. This has to be something that is perpetuated by the parents and allowed to go on in their houses. There is also something that tells me that even if the parents are not overtly acknowledging that it is happening they are at least allowing that on a subconscious level and the abusive sibling feeds into this, sees it as acceptance of the behavior, and continues doing the abusing and the harming of others in the home.
Littrle children do not know the results of their actions and are sometimes not even able to understand the negativity in some of their actions-this may lead to them committing errors that they might regret later in life and something that an adult may not dare commit,lest to a sibling!
I was abused by both of my older brothers growing up. The one closer to my age had some mental health problems and was very violent. We were all in and out of therapy through my childhood and teens because of the violence in our home. Now, as an adult, I’m finally trying to deal with the sexual abuse from my oldest brother.
Kids are very good at keeping secrets.
Helping raise awareness of this problem is key. But also helping parents to understand how to create a nurturing and communicative relationship with their kids is important. I have read Sibling Abuse by Vernon Weihe and would definitely recommend it, as well as a book he cites called How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. by Faber/Mazlish.
Most people who haven’t experienced this kind of abuse tend not to believe it exists. There’s a clear line between normal sibling rivalry and abuse, though. One of my brothers has a pretty severe mental illness and, as a byproduct, has made the rest of our lives hell in the family. It’s easy to pretend things that go on inside the house with closed doors never happen. But no one who experiences it can ever really forget. Six years we have been dealing with the violence and physical/emotional abuse. The mentally ill sibling is still the “victim.” so who cares about the other siblings? we are “second priority.” It will always be this way, because he will never get better. So we go through every day stepping on eggshells so that the sick sibling can make it through the day.
The parents are victims too, in their own way. It’s almost impossible to find the balance between loving your family members and protecting yourself. I just wish there were more support groups/acknowledgement of this kind of very real abuse.
This artical is very accurate. I grew up with a brother two years older than myself who physically beat me at least three times a week from the ages of six throughout my late teens. This went beyond the standard of sibling rivalry. As time progressed the beatings became more severe with blows to the head and kicks to the torso while I lay on the floor curled in a fetal position. Fighting back only made things worse and parents only intervened when my screams became hysterical. Their go to statement was” take it outside and settle it between yourselves. I grew up believing my parents would not protect me and condoned this behavior. At 43 I am still coping with avoidance and deep codependency issues as a result. I harbor resentments that manifest in my current relationships and continue to feel helpless since childhood is over and my parents feel that there is no sense digging up the past. I would like to know of any support groups that deal with this problem.
I think that the public should be educated about sibling violence. Educators, childcare providers, and others who work with children should learn about the seriousness and prevalence of sibling violence so that they are able to support and assist victims, and perhaps identify abusers and abusive behaviors. Additionally, children should be taught about sibling violence. I think that abusers might be less likely to abuse if they knew people would take allegations seriously. The flip side of that is that victims would hopefully be more willing to come forward.
Wow, I have to say that I am in tears right now. I am a sibling abuse survivor and I am so delighted to find people who have shared my past. I was abused by my older brother emotionally and physically. I was abused at home, at school, in public. It really didn’t matter where it happened, and it has had a really negative impact on my life. My mother who I repeatedly told about the abuse, did absolutely nothing to help me. She let the abuse and violence towards me go on, until my brother went to high school, and had to go live with my other older brother. Then when he was in his senior year in high school, he was back at calling me names and being really mean towards me. He would steal from me and when confronted, he would just tell me that he wasn’t giving my money back. He made me feel so helpless, my mother responses to my abuse made me feel hopeless. And now here I am at 26 years old and I still can’t figure out how to pick up the pieces. I need help I know I do, but I don’t what to do to get over the pain that is so deep rooted in my heart. I just want to know what real love and true companionship feels like.
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