A search of the web lead me to a site that discussed the differences between gay and straight but seemingly scorned the Bisexual as not being focused or “oriented” in their sexual experience.

I had to question then what my feelings and sensibilities were telling me about my preferences over the course of my life and I was able to land squarely on being Bisexual. I do indeed enjoy a sexual and an emotional connection with whichever gender I happened to be with at that time and for a reason that still escapes me, I am able to be satisfied.

If I understand sexual fluidity, apparently I have learned or adapted to the changing sexual mood I was experiencing. This is not a complaint or even a pat on the back but just a fact in my life; I enjoy sex with my partners regardless of them being male or female and I make sure my partners were equally satisfied with their relationship with me.

So, I can honestly say that I am “Bisexual” and that I have been that way most of my life. It is only now that I have come to accept my preference and embrace it and who I am.
The category system works for me but it isn’t for everyone. Sexual fluidity would answer why some change preferences throughout their lives but it doesnt seem to answer all aspects of sexual preference. Is it for you? That is up to you the reader to find out. Whatever or however you land when it comes to your sexual choice, embrace it and take your place in the universe of diversity.

I am a lesbian who has been in a nearly ten year monogamous relationship with a woman who had been with men in the past. After two children and the usual picket fence stuff, and having the normal tough times with young kids and my partner with PND, when the going gets tough she says “I want to have sex with men again”. Having also said though that the sex with me was the best in her life and she loved me more than she’d ever loved anyone, now I have to buy that instead of knuckling down and working through our relationship stuff it’s just that she’s “sexually fluid”.

When she found out about the book “Sexual fluidity” she felt that finally she wasn’t a freak and there were other people just like her. I felt compassionately towards her but at the same time thinking, what about me and our kids? It just seems too convenient. It seems to be another opportunity to not own one’s inability to commit. When one is in a committed relationship with kids, my belief is you try everything to make the relationship work before you walk away, not just one day out of the blue say “I’m done, and by the way I feel like having sex with men again”.

I haven’t read the book but was told by my then partner that it was about feeling like one wanted to have a relationship with a particular gender at a certain time of one’s life. I find this odd to put the gender before the person. I thought a person falls in love with a person, not just a gender.

Can you please provide some level of information or at least a balanced view on how this affects everyone, not just the “sexually fluid”. By “everyone” I mean partners, kids, families, friends who are affected by someone just walking off to pursue the next gender.

I have always been supportive of bisexuals and have run workshops on sexual awareness etc so am by no means conservative. I feel though that this research somehow allows a “pathology” or “diagnosis” that people can hang over their heads as a “get out of jail free card” when it comes to their relationships. In some way, I think this work may set bisexual politics back and not advance it as first thought. It now seems to reinforce what I thought was a stereotype of bisexuals which is that “bisexuals can’t commit to a monogamous relationship”. Does this also mean that a person who identifies as “sexually fluid” cannot commit to a long-term relationship?

It is evident from my comments that yes, I am hurt by my relationship break down, but my questions are very sincere and not just an emotional response. I am concerned for the many people who may suffer at the hands of people who feel they can now say “well I’m sexually fluid so seeya” and feel some kind of validation in research for their course of action.

Can we deny that our society-at-large hasn’t a clue about what is sexually healthy or unhealthy? Since the late 18th century, generations of people have been socially conditioned to subsume to a male-female dependent relationship (uncanny differences between how the male gender relates to the female gender in terms of emotional dependency, and as further observed, the vast majority hold the female accountable for their emotional health and continue to operate relying soley on the idea that males must gain their status and power thru sex with the female..i have references if anyone is interested…)

What is accepted as a normal female-female relationship today goes against everything it was centuries ago; today’s interactions seem to fall profoundly short, tragically separating the social female from what was once considered a necessary emotional bonding that was learned while growing, of which lessons of nurture and caring were ensured passed-on into future male-female relationships that existed for the purpose of procreation and survival.

And what can the pro-hetero-only social politicos make of those identical twins born – with absolutely no provocation or maltreatment, raised and nurtured in an ideal and identical family environment- one boy shows definite signs of maleness while the other, female…

We are way way way way more complex than a pitri dish or a rape experience…biological and environmental data need to be considered with cultural data and experience. Bottom line is, society is historically afraid of change and diversity from the entity is attempts to define as normalcy.

My own experience as a female: I struggle to make sense of my SSA.

To those that may decide to think that SSA isn’t “normal”, I say HAH! I beg to differ – just because a person doesn’t go through it personally doesn’t mean it isn’t “normal”. Maybe for that person. Lucky they are to have all of their “normal” ducks in order…but i think it is a fallacy to think sexual fluidity is not normal. I have experienced this first-hand, seen how it affects other women, especially myself and my place in this life.

Sexuality and gender are apples and broccoli to me..the latter an anatomical and physiological difference; the former, a vague word, encompassing the procreation of the human and, most decidedly, is erroneously defined within a broad category of sensation and feeling.

One last thought for now. I think about the word change: In truth every moment of existence is change…it makes perfect logical sense that understanding this issue of sexuality. To understand fluidity is to place change as its center(sexuality). It’s a pattern – a big one that is only recently coming to light as researchers are finding that the data they tended to throw away or otherwise ignore is of vital importance.

(Thanks for letting me stand on the soapbox and contribute my current thoughts – all of which is MHO)

I left the group after one of the members actually told us about his wife’s emotional problems. I felt I was enabling some sort of covert mental abuse, i.e. messing up with someone’s head. (The husband lies to the wife, then deals with the guilt by bringing it up in the group. The group gives him support.)

I am now discussing things with a very good psychiatrist. My hope is that by delving into my childhood I’ll be able to settle on one or the other.

Thanks for your comments about the difficulties of not “falling into a category” where you can feel, as you say, “at home.” It’s not easy. I hope you’re getting support and have a place you can talk through some of these issues.

It’s not fun. I envy people who just fall in a category where they feel at home.

Would you feel differently if your child identified as gay or lesbian, then years later became attracted to a person of the opposite gender? You might think this is the “easier” situation for the child, but studies show it is not– while society and its structures may support heterosexuality, major shifts such as those we’re talking about are difficult for the individuals involved. Our society seems to struggle with fluidity in general– we seem to be much more prone to distrust that which is not nailed down “permanently”, yet change is not unnatural.

Ellen

Michael– your comments serve to remind us to consider socio-historical context. Things have indeed shifted since many of us were in high school, including earlier ages of puberty. Those of use who came of age during the civil rights eras recall the gay/lesbian civil rights movement and the awareness that followed of something called sexual identity (which usually only applied to sexual minorities, since heterosexuality was an automatic default). And we like those nice clean categories– as Austin says, “either you are or you aren’t.” But many kids today aren’t as hung up as we may have been on sexual identity labels. They do seem to move more fluidly, not only around sexual orientation but around gender expression– perhaps in the same spirit of the 1960s motto “if it feels good, do it.” Perhaps it’s not the kids who are confused; perhaps the adults, seeing this fluidity, are shaken and confused by it.

Jacob– I couldn’t agree with you more. Understanding that gender expression and gender identity also exist on continua, and that many do not subscribe to a binary gender (ie, male and female) paradigm, is essential. Transgendered people can be of any sexual orientation. “Queer”, once a pejorative term and now often used to denote “other-than-straight” sexual orientations or an “anti-identity identity,” is now more commonly used by those whose sexual and gender identities don’t fit into existing labels or categories.

Austin– you ask is this “normal?” and comment that this is not how you were raised. Sexual fluidity is “normal” in that it is not uncommon. During the time many of us were raised, studies of sexual orientation, if they existed, tended to throw out people who didn’t fit neatly into the heterosexual-homosexual categories, including bisexual people, and considered them “unlabeled” and therefore not of interest. There are also other reasons for not acknowledging sexual fluidity– it can be threatening to the status quo of both straight and gay worlds. I doubt it’s new; it has simply surfaced more, is more studied and more talked about.