Sexual Fluidity: The New Sexuality Paradigm
February 5th, 2009 |
By Ellen Schecter, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Once upon a time, there was a certain clarity in the world of sexuality. Regardless of whether one believed a homosexual orientation was innate or a matter of choice, the sexual orientations were easily and clearly defined: Those who were attracted to, and had sex with, people of the opposite gender were heterosexual (straight), while homosexuals (gays and lesbians) were attracted to, and had sex with, people of the same gender. You knew who was who by the gender of the sexual partner.
As time went on, the waters became muddied a bit by acknowledgment of bisexuals and their ability to be attracted to, and have sex with, people of either gender. Initially, they were seen as immature or confused, either closeted gay people or curious straight people. But eventually we got our heads around bisexuality and, for the most part, accepted that it was a real sexual orientation, just like gay/lesbian and straight.
Still later, we made a place for love in all of this. What is still called “sexual” orientation was acknowledged to be not only about sex, but about emotional attachment as well. Having a homosexual orientation, then, came to mean being sexually and emotionally attracted to those of the same gender, although the emotional aspect of sexual orientation is commonly underplayed.
But then things became very confusing. In studying HIV transmission in the Black community, men “on the down low” came to light. These are men who identify as straight but secretly have sex with other men; when the sex was unsafe, this resulted in some Black women becoming infected with HIV. Men who have sex with men (MSM) aren’t limited to the Black community, and they violate the core underlying assumption of our model of sexuality: that sexual orientation is defined by sexual behavior. Since men having sex with men is incongruent with heterosexuality (unless the men are imprisoned), these men are commonly assumed to be gay (or bisexual) but either in denial or in the closet, or have compartmentalized sex completely in order to live with the dissonance of having same-gender sex but being straight. But MSM are not the only confusing phenomenon.
Once upon a time, the sexualities—heterosexual, homosexual, even bisexual—were categorical and mutually exclusive. Further, sexual attraction/desire, sexual behavior and sexual identity were assumed to be congruent: same-gender sexual attraction/behavior presupposed a gay or lesbian or bisexual identity, and other-gender sexual attraction/behavior assumed heterosexuality. But results of sexuality research over the last 20 years have turned our paradigm of sexuality on its head. What we’ve learned is that while these assumptions may be true for some, they are not true for all.
The truth is, Kinsey was right: sexuality not only exists on a continuum, some people may (and do) move on that continuum across the lifespan. The truth is, sexuality can be fluid, varying across time and situation. The truth is, sexual orientation appears to be comprised of many variables, not just sexual behavior. And the truth is, desire/behavior and orientation/identity do not always line up neatly. Some completely straight individuals have unexpectedly found themselves falling in love with, and being sexual with, those of the same gender, and some happily gay people have unexpectedly become partnered with those of the other gender. How could this happen? What does it mean?
Note that the research does not prove that sexuality is fluid, only that it can be. Studies have shown that sexual fluidity is not uncommon and is found more frequently in women than men, though it clearly exists in both. This does not mean that we all experience a degree of fluidity, nor that we are all really bisexual. Nor does it mean that coming out as gay or lesbian is reversible or a phase, that sexual orientations are a choice, or that non-heterosexual people can be guided to embrace heterosexuality. It simply means that while the majority of people experience a stable sexual orientation congruent with their sexual and romantic attractions and behavior, some of us do not.
When we work with clients of any sexual orientation, it is incumbent upon us to be up-to-date in our knowledge of sexuality. Rather than operating from outdated ideas, our work should be informed by current paradigms that assume that sexuality may be fluid, that desire/behavior and orientation/identity may not be congruent, and that conceptions of what constitutes “normal” sexuality have changed.
©Copyright 2008 by Ellen Schecter, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
20 comments so far
As a hs teacher I am seeing this fluidity in sexual orientation at earlier ages than ever before. I used to think that maybe the kids were just confused, but moving along the sexual spectrum seems to be the norm these days and the kids are younger and younger. It is making things that used to be so innocent like hs dances a real conundrum for parents and teachers, by raising questions such as will same sex couples be allowed to express their affection for their partners in the same way that traditional boy/girl couples have been allowed to in the past. This has been a real learning curve for teachers as I know it has been for parents too. I try to be very open and understanding with my students in the hopes that they will be with me as well but there are many adults who are still not comfortable with these types of situations and I know that this is keeping the kids even more confused about their identities and who they are on the inside than they ever have been before.
if we are going to be open minded about the fluidity of sexual orientation and not operate from outdated ideas than it is vital that we also recognize the fluidity of gender identity and gender presentation. It is becoming more and more common to encounter transgender individuals and individuals with fluid gender identities. This complicates sexual orientation further and I have noticed a significant increase in people identifying as pansexual, or simply “queer.” the point being, we cannot make assumptions about anyone’s gender identity or sexual orientation. we must take into account the fluidity in both of these areas and use the language of our clients. When we run into something we are unfamiliar with, it is vital to do outside research and to not simply rely on our clients to educate us.
I just want to know one thing- is all of this normal? This was just not how I was raised and I have a hard time accepting some of the “fluidity”. Either you are or your aren’t. When did that line of thinking change?
I want to thank everyone who has commented so far, and respond briefly to each of you.
Michael– your comments serve to remind us to consider socio-historical context. Things have indeed shifted since many of us were in high school, including earlier ages of puberty. Those of use who came of age during the civil rights eras recall the gay/lesbian civil rights movement and the awareness that followed of something called sexual identity (which usually only applied to sexual minorities, since heterosexuality was an automatic default). And we like those nice clean categories– as Austin says, “either you are or you aren’t.” But many kids today aren’t as hung up as we may have been on sexual identity labels. They do seem to move more fluidly, not only around sexual orientation but around gender expression– perhaps in the same spirit of the 1960s motto “if it feels good, do it.” Perhaps it’s not the kids who are confused; perhaps the adults, seeing this fluidity, are shaken and confused by it.
Jacob– I couldn’t agree with you more. Understanding that gender expression and gender identity also exist on continua, and that many do not subscribe to a binary gender (ie, male and female) paradigm, is essential. Transgendered people can be of any sexual orientation. “Queer”, once a pejorative term and now often used to denote “other-than-straight” sexual orientations or an “anti-identity identity,” is now more commonly used by those whose sexual and gender identities don’t fit into existing labels or categories.
Austin– you ask is this “normal?” and comment that this is not how you were raised. Sexual fluidity is “normal” in that it is not uncommon. During the time many of us were raised, studies of sexual orientation, if they existed, tended to throw out people who didn’t fit neatly into the heterosexual-homosexual categories, including bisexual people, and considered them “unlabeled” and therefore not of interest. There are also other reasons for not acknowledging sexual fluidity– it can be threatening to the status quo of both straight and gay worlds. I doubt it’s new; it has simply surfaced more, is more studied and more talked about.
I have to admit that I do feel frightened with the whole concept of sexual fluidity because this is not something that I want for my own children. Not that I want them to always have to fit nice and neatly into the box that society expects of them but becasue it would just make their lives so much easier. Of course I will love and respect tham no matter whcih paths they choose but I do think that so many parents like me want their children to have an easy go at it and this is definitely not a path that one would pursue which would be considered easy.
Jeni,
Would you feel differently if your child identified as gay or lesbian, then years later became attracted to a person of the opposite gender? You might think this is the “easier” situation for the child, but studies show it is not– while society and its structures may support heterosexuality, major shifts such as those we’re talking about are difficult for the individuals involved. Our society seems to struggle with fluidity in general– we seem to be much more prone to distrust that which is not nailed down “permanently”, yet change is not unnatural.
Ellen
In theory I do grasp what you are saying. Maybe I just think that it would be easier for my child to be in a loving relationship with someone and of course I would assume that they would prefer the same sex in every relationship that they were in. But I guess that is not necessarily the nature of the beast. I am fine no matter what they choose when it all boils down to it as long as the relationship is healthy and nurturing, but surely you can see my side of the coin by wanting something for them that would not make life quite so difficult.
As much as I do understand this I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around such fluidity.
You’re certainly not alone, Callie! Sexual fluidity challenges so many constructs that have guided us in different areas. And as Jeni says, who wants things to be difficult for their children or, for that matter, for themselves?!
I’m a 43 year old male and have been moving back and forth between men and women most of my life. When I’m with women, I want sex with men, and when I’m with men, I can’t imagine myself having a long-term relationship with them. I married and put up with a woman who I knew was abusive, out of the guilt I had that I was attracted to men. On the other hand, I can’t really take long term relationship with men very seriously. Culturally and socially it just doesn’t feel right. In other aspects of my life, I have always been stable and focused.
It’s not fun. I envy people who just fall in a category where they feel at home.
Neil,
Thanks for your comments about the difficulties of not “falling into a category” where you can feel, as you say, “at home.” It’s not easy. I hope you’re getting support and have a place you can talk through some of these issues.
Thank you. I did attend a support group for gay men in heterosexual relationships, here in NYC. Most of the men were married, and a minority was divorcing. The married men were hiding from their wives that they were having sex with men. I found this to be dangerous both physically and emotionally. (Emotionally, in the sense that a woman may not know at a conscious level that she is being betrayed, but she knows it at a deeper level without having any evidence, and that messes her up.)
I left the group after one of the members actually told us about his wife’s emotional problems. I felt I was enabling some sort of covert mental abuse, i.e. messing up with someone’s head. (The husband lies to the wife, then deals with the guilt by bringing it up in the group. The group gives him support.)
I am now discussing things with a very good psychiatrist. My hope is that by delving into my childhood I’ll be able to settle on one or the other.
People interested in Neil’s story might also be interested in reading the recent article/blog on Mixed Orientation Marriages by Denise Humphrey, PhD, here at GoodTherapy.org.
Oh I know of my daughter’s friend who wanted to ask her friend out for a school dance. The only problem was it was a girl. This caused a huge scandal within the school and the school suspended the kids as it was inappropriate behaviour on campus. The kids have now filed a case on the school for discrimination. I wonder what the verdict would be considering they are both minors.
Thanks for your post, Jamie. It will be interesting to see the outcome of the suit, and how “inappropriate behavior” is defined, whether the school is a public or private one, whether it’s in the US or elsewhere– so many factors to consider.
I think that is pretty biased considering that young adults have a lot less definition of hetero and homosexual behavior. It is true as most guys are discovering sexuality and their sexuality at that. I dont think the case will hold anyways.
Everyone has these stereotypical categories that they think that people should fall into and it does not always work that way. I think that there are many out there that this makes very uncomfortable but I on the other hand marvel at all of the fluidity and hope that it opens my mind to the way that we were intended to live- as loving and caring individuals with our hearts and minds open to any and all who make us feel good about ourselves and who show us love in return. Let us stop feeling the need to conform to societal expectations and just feel the freedom to be who we are.
My sexuality has changed over time. First, I am much more self aware so how I interpret what I feel has changed. Second, I am much more comfortable in my skin and feelings I didn’t know I was capable of started to surface when I arrived at a certain comfort level. I don’t see the changes in my sexuality as an indication that my sexuality is fluid because I don’t think my sexuality has changed over time. It’s just that I am interpreting my feelings better and no longer repressing certain feelings that were always there. Here’s my question…Sexual fluidity is a whole other animal right? It has nothing to do with the change that comes with increased self awareness or greater ease with one’s sexuality?
It’s my understanding that there is a higher incidence of inherent SSA than there is left and right handedness (and that’s hot off the press).
Can we deny that our society-at-large hasn’t a clue about what is sexually healthy or unhealthy? Since the late 18th century, generations of people have been socially conditioned to subsume to a male-female dependent relationship (uncanny differences between how the male gender relates to the female gender in terms of emotional dependency, and as further observed, the vast majority hold the female accountable for their emotional health and continue to operate relying soley on the idea that males must gain their status and power thru sex with the female..i have references if anyone is interested…)
What is accepted as a normal female-female relationship today goes against everything it was centuries ago; today’s interactions seem to fall profoundly short, tragically separating the social female from what was once considered a necessary emotional bonding that was learned while growing, of which lessons of nurture and caring were ensured passed-on into future male-female relationships that existed for the purpose of procreation and survival.
And what can the pro-hetero-only social politicos make of those identical twins born – with absolutely no provocation or maltreatment, raised and nurtured in an ideal and identical family environment- one boy shows definite signs of maleness while the other, female…
We are way way way way more complex than a pitri dish or a rape experience…biological and environmental data need to be considered with cultural data and experience. Bottom line is, society is historically afraid of change and diversity from the entity is attempts to define as normalcy.
My own experience as a female: I struggle to make sense of my SSA.
To those that may decide to think that SSA isn’t “normal”, I say HAH! I beg to differ – just because a person doesn’t go through it personally doesn’t mean it isn’t “normal”. Maybe for that person. Lucky they are to have all of their “normal” ducks in order…but i think it is a fallacy to think sexual fluidity is not normal. I have experienced this first-hand, seen how it affects other women, especially myself and my place in this life.
Sexuality and gender are apples and broccoli to me..the latter an anatomical and physiological difference; the former, a vague word, encompassing the procreation of the human and, most decidedly, is erroneously defined within a broad category of sensation and feeling.
One last thought for now. I think about the word change: In truth every moment of existence is change…it makes perfect logical sense that understanding this issue of sexuality. To understand fluidity is to place change as its center(sexuality). It’s a pattern – a big one that is only recently coming to light as researchers are finding that the data they tended to throw away or otherwise ignore is of vital importance.
(Thanks for letting me stand on the soapbox and contribute my current thoughts – all of which is MHO)
I notice that all the concern here is for the people who seem to be coming to terms with their sexual fluidity. What about the partners who committed themselves to someone they thought was with them for life, only to be told they now read a book and say that they are “sexually fluid”.
I am a lesbian who has been in a nearly ten year monogamous relationship with a woman who had been with men in the past. After two children and the usual picket fence stuff, and having the normal tough times with young kids and my partner with PND, when the going gets tough she says “I want to have sex with men again”. Having also said though that the sex with me was the best in her life and she loved me more than she’d ever loved anyone, now I have to buy that instead of knuckling down and working through our relationship stuff it’s just that she’s “sexually fluid”.
When she found out about the book “Sexual fluidity” she felt that finally she wasn’t a freak and there were other people just like her. I felt compassionately towards her but at the same time thinking, what about me and our kids? It just seems too convenient. It seems to be another opportunity to not own one’s inability to commit. When one is in a committed relationship with kids, my belief is you try everything to make the relationship work before you walk away, not just one day out of the blue say “I’m done, and by the way I feel like having sex with men again”.
I haven’t read the book but was told by my then partner that it was about feeling like one wanted to have a relationship with a particular gender at a certain time of one’s life. I find this odd to put the gender before the person. I thought a person falls in love with a person, not just a gender.
Can you please provide some level of information or at least a balanced view on how this affects everyone, not just the “sexually fluid”. By “everyone” I mean partners, kids, families, friends who are affected by someone just walking off to pursue the next gender.
I have always been supportive of bisexuals and have run workshops on sexual awareness etc so am by no means conservative. I feel though that this research somehow allows a “pathology” or “diagnosis” that people can hang over their heads as a “get out of jail free card” when it comes to their relationships. In some way, I think this work may set bisexual politics back and not advance it as first thought. It now seems to reinforce what I thought was a stereotype of bisexuals which is that “bisexuals can’t commit to a monogamous relationship”. Does this also mean that a person who identifies as “sexually fluid” cannot commit to a long-term relationship?
It is evident from my comments that yes, I am hurt by my relationship break down, but my questions are very sincere and not just an emotional response. I am concerned for the many people who may suffer at the hands of people who feel they can now say “well I’m sexually fluid so seeya” and feel some kind of validation in research for their course of action.