Three Ways to Help the Spouse of One with Sex Addiction
October 25th, 2010
By Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAS, Sex Addiction Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Janie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile.
So often when the topic of Sexual Addiction comes up, the primary focus is on the sex addict, the symptoms and causes of sex addiction, and the journey to freedom from sexual addiction. While this is certainly a much needed focal point, something very important often gets overlooked and that is the effect sexual betrayal has on the spouse of the sex addict! Can you imagine waking up one day to find the world and spouse you thought was one thing but then realize that it is not only completely different, but that you have been betrayed! Certainly there are times when a spouse suspects or feels there is something going on, but many times, spouses are caught totally off-guard and their life feels like it is falling apart and they are all alone. In the moment, it is hard to even think about how to take the next step, let alone put a plan in place to move forward. Where this may be difficult at this point, it is important for the spouses to take care of themselves and try to avoid the downward spiral that can threaten them. Here are a few things to put in place to help on this path:
Take Care Of Yourself:
Some may find this hard to believe, but it is not uncommon for the betrayed spouse to feel sorry for the sex-addicted spouse and focus more attention on them! I recommend that the betrayed spouse take the time to care for themselves so as to build a plan to create structure, order, reduce anxiety, and get some much needed encouragement and support. A good counselor can be instrumental in providing that support because the counselor functions as an advocate, providing validation, compassion, and clear direction. Through this time, I recommend to also consider joining a support group of other spouses that are going through the same thing. Another area of support is having friends or family that they can depend on to share with, to cry with and that will be there, especially on those very tough days. I also suggest incorporating a healthy lifestyle by getting plenty of rest, eating properly, finding some time for exercise and scheduling times for fun. By doing this it will give the spouse’s body, mind and spirit the energy it needs to deal with the daily battle. Without this, it will be very difficult to make meaningful decisions and process the direction they need to take each day.
Realize It Is Healthy And Good To Feel:
The betrayed spouse may feel shame resulting in the temptation to shut down and try to numb the pain by suppressing the painful feelings. I often tell my clients that the danger with this is that the feelings are there and they are very strong. It will cause more harm, eventually, than good by stuffing them or hiding them. That is why finding a counselor, having supportive friends, and being a part of a group are extremely important in providing a safe outlet for the betrayed spouse to express all they are experiencing. Whether it’s anger, fear, abandonment or any number of emotions, I believe by sharing them in a safe and healthy way, betrayed spouses can help work through the grieving process and start to see some hope. The hope, at this point, should not be focused necessarily on the relationship, but on the one betrayed and seeing that as they face these feelings, they can survive and even thrive. The feelings are very real and when handled appropriately, openly and with care, can shed some of the intense weight being carried.
Set Boundaries With Betrayer Spouse:
The critical time is when the betrayed spouse is most hurt and vulnerable. It is key that they set boundaries with their spouse and do not have to take on any unhealthy choices. I suggest by setting boundaries for the betrayed spouse including at home and for any children involved will help establish a place of safety. This may include removing internet access, changing what comes through the TV, establishing a bank account to insure bills are covered and removing any offensive material from the home are some of the boundaries that can be beneficial. These may change and increase along the way. Remember, that if consequences are tied to the boundaries that they need to be followed through with or they will not be taken seriously. This area will be very new to most people on this journey but will be vital in creating some order to what feels like chaos.
There is no magical formula to deal with betrayal of a spouse struggling with Sexual Addiction. Every day is a new battle that can feel out of control if some specific steps are not taken to handle the hurt, the feelings and the sense of being overwhelmed. The good news is that if these steps are followed, one can find that they are developing strength they never knew they had. The combination of empathy, compassion and then at the right time, tough love, are necessary to guide a person betrayed by Sexual Addiction down a path of healing and then to hope.
©Copyright 2010 by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT, therapist in Maitland, FL. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
It is very important that a person should not suffer due to his or her partner’s mistakes and sex addiction is one such a thing or mistake.the spouse should take charge of the situation and should be in a position to make a decision that he or she would want to hold up in the future.
I would like to suggest here that sexual addiction is not only when it leads to a problem where one partner is having sex with over people but also when one partner constantly forces the other into the cr irrespective of whether the other partner is interested or not.This is most often exhibited by men and what I believe is very close to marital rape…?
I am the betrayed spouse. This is such a hard spot to be in because you have a hard time talking to anyone about how you are feeling. I can do it here because no one knows me but I am mortified to think of having to talk to someone I know about what my husband has done. I am afraid that everyone will think that I am some ice queen, that’ why he turned to porn. Or if only I had been a better wife then he would not have had to go elsewhere to look for this kind of escape or satisfaction or whatever. I try to take care of myself but I guess I really deep down inside do not feel worthy of that. If he did not think that I was worthy of his love then why should I? I know that many readers will look at this article and see it ias so cut and dry, these are the things that have to be done to hael but I am here to tell you that it is not that easy, especially when you do not have anyone to talk to or turn to.
Hi Cara: I am so sorry for your pain and that you are walking on your journey alone. You are right, when you say that moving toward healing is not “cut and dry.” Each person’s story and journey is different. One of the things, that I have found to be so important is to have a support system. If you do not have a safe place among your family or friends, there are support groups for women that have been sexual betrayed. Perhaps that could be a starting place for you.
@ Janie: thanks for the concern, and I have been doing a lot of reading, but there is no support group for spouses in my area. I would have to drive three hours for the closest meeting,and they are always on Saturday mornings at 8am. So frustrating. So I do feel very alone in who I can talk to. I have even thought of my minister but I think I would be too ashamed to talk to anyone like this about this. It feels like I am the one who did something wrong.
Janie, thank you so much for your wise words.
The spouses of sex addicts are, indeed, largely ignored souls that need the care and boundaries you mention.
I’ve noticed in my work with clients that since Tiger Woods’ problems and recovery were made public, many people recognize their partners’ sex addiction and have sought professional help. But it’s as you say, they put all their attention on getting care for their partner’s sexual addiction and lose the focus on their own feelings.
Thanks again for making known such an important issue.
Regards,
Paul
Hi cara, i’m sorry to hear that.that is the usual problem when your partner was a sex addict.the most affected is of course the partner.i admire you for your bravery to handle a situation like this.Good luck!
My situations is different. My spouse is in the military and we are separated for long periods of time. When he returned from Iraq he seemed to have develop a porn addiction. Apparently it is accepted when your deployed. However, it didn’t stop. I begged him to get help but he refused. Then as his luck would have it he got stationed overseas for 2 years. When he comes to visit he sleeps on the couch, refuses me or can not keep an erection. I have found videos of him touching himself also. I don’t know what to do. He refuses to admit his problem and downplays everything. I find myself suspicious of everything he does and I hate it. I start to think about things that happen in the past and I wonder if he has always had a problem. It is hard because as long as he is stationed overseas we can not work this out.
Hi Im new to this. Im not married but I am in love with a man that we just realized he has a porn addiction. It has effected our sex life. Im writing in because I have trust issues I myself have to deal with and this situation has made it so had to trust him. But u know what all I want to do is help him but my feelings keeo getting in the way. Where we live there is no help. Im still going through all the emotions but happy that he is willing to change. I need as much help and support as he does. Where will I get my support form I have my best friend and another good friend but all I hear is let him go. It just hurts inside that I dont have a shoulder to cry on except his. Although its where I need to be how can we support each other.
Dear Cara,
You certanly need a support.
There are many resources and it doesn’t need to be a group.
I have found one particular site that is helping me through my journey.
I recommend: http://www.recoverynation.com
My sex addicted. Boyfriend of 17 years left me months ago. We were in recovery – therapy and 12 step groups (he also had group and psychiatry). He has accused me of not being trustful and now that he was not attracted to me. Nothing makes sense. None of this was brought up in couples counseling. He wants closure – never to see me again, and I want to know why we’re in counseling for 5 years if the foregoing reasons were real. How to reconcile in my mind nearly 20 years with abrupt ending without knowing what happened. If I talk about myself how I feel in front of him he says I am trying to make him feel guilty. None of the counselors will talk to me and I haven’t the finances to see them. Now that he is gone. How can I really heal from this trauma when I don’t know why really left?
i don’t know what to do. I’m soon be married to a guy who has this kind of struggle. He opened it up to me that he has this addiction with the same sex. I feel so betrayed and more… but i still love love him, wanna help him out from this, what am I gonna do?
He told me everything right then that this happened when he was still small, he was molested by his neighbor, from that time on his perception about sex has been changed. He started going to the place where he felt he was belong, went with the gays until it became a routine. I think this enslaved him. 10 years ago he shared this to me, i thought he’s not into it anymore, but i was wrong, last night he opened it up again that he did it again. I have given him a lot of chances, there was a time he did it with the man that is close to us yet I was able to forgive him, now he did it again , but he said he’s so tired of this,and he wanted to give up. How many times he prayed to just remove this but he can’t he said something’s inside it’s his system that craves. How am I gonna surpass this? how about if we will be married already? how can I help him… I can’t let him go because I love him. my desire is to help him but i don’t know if I could still contain it.
I have been married to a porn addicted man for 35 years. We are now divorcing. The pornography invaded my life from before the beginning of our marriage. I was 15. He was my high school sweetheart. Long story made short, his porn addiction affected my self esteem and self worth. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the problem and did not talk with anyone. I wanted to protect his reputation which I did at the expense of my mental health. He does not acknowledge what his porn has done to me. He tells me to “get over it”. He blames all the marital problems on me. He doesn’t see that his addiction is the core of all our troubles. I wish I had known about the devastating affects of porn addiction before I married him. I have had a lonely marriage because the porn desensitized him. He was not attracted to me because of the porn. It is a sick thing and affects the entire family. He has no guilt. I am finally in therapy and no longer feel the need to protect his reputation. When people ask me why I am divorcing, I tell them my husband put porn before me. I have nothing to hide and am no longer ashamed. After all, I am the victim.
I am in AWWWWW. I have just recently found out what a spouse of SA goes through. It has been my life for 25 years. I have had the chaotic eggshell of a relationship and am just finding out what this is al about. It has been worse living with this not knowing what it was than living with someone you can pin point their addiction. I just always though he was mean mean pervert of a man. Tripolar perv is what I always called him. He has always had his 2 lives apart form each other but reflected on me immensely. I took the blame and abuse for all the years. God sent me this information. After reading and researching this….I have such a peace with me. I have been such a codependant and never knew or realized I was scared of giving this relationship up. My poor children have lived with this but I have taught them to love him minus his downfalls. It all makes so much sense now. Where do I go from here? I am a victim and I have been wronged. It is like click click and I dont want any more to do with him. NOTHING.
I don’t really know what to do at this point. My husband has been a sex addict for so long, I catch him nearly every single time. I have walked in on him often, I have done everything to support him and help him to stop. Instead he lies to me, ignores me, and once I find out he is at it again it is like it doesnt phase him one bit. This last time I am so disgusted in finding his chats with younger females. i feel so lost, alone, disgusted, betrayed, and i feel blah……i dont even know what to do anymore. I have tried to get his folks to help him as well, i feel like everyone is against me…..he has been in my life for 10 years. This is all I know I have no other family=\
Unfortunately, after being traumatized by the discover of a partners betrayal and unimaginable behaviours, trying to get help is like being “taken to the second location”. We are immediately accused of being co-addicts or co-dependents, labeled and drafted into a recovery program for our partner that would turn any normal person into a codependent or co-addict person! It’s like brainwashing into an ideology. You have to say “My name is __________, and I’m a codependent and my life has become unmanageable”. My life wasn’t unmanageable at all. His was. I carefully build my support team, avoiding the insulting and abusive CSAT money grabbers and treatment centres and got myself out of the relationship with the help of people like Dr. Barb Steffens and Dr. Omar Minwalla. The codependent model for oppressing partners is well loved by CSATs, many of whom are former sex addicts (make sure you ask yours!) and is just another dressed up version of gaslighting, except you have to pay people to do it to you.
Even Patrick Carnes daughter took all the co-language out of the newest edition of her book. Be strong, partners of sex addicts, and don’t wear a label that isn’t yours. Yes, some people are codependent, but most of us are just exhibiting the symptoms of PTSD. Get the right kind of help and don’t be taken to the second location—-the CSAT’s office!
Hi Diane, Thank you for your comments and insight. You have shared very good points in your post. I want you to know that not all CSATs follow the “codependent/co-addict model” as it pertains to a sex addict’s spouse. I appreciate the work of Dr. Barb Steffens and Dr. Omar Minwalla. In fact, I am part of an association where Dr. Steffens is on the board. It sounds like you had a bad experience with CSAT’s and for that I am sorry.
I have been in a closed relationship with a guy for several months, closed at his request. I then found out he had been seeing/texting/phoning haveing sex with so many others. I confronted him and he was very sad/guilty. we are no longer in a relationship but I am helping him get help. He checked in a behavorial facility this last week. I have not seen him or called him. I would love nothing more than a healthy relationship with him but have no trust. How can I suport him and will I ever find trust?
My husband of 30yrs. finally confessed on August 20th what I had feared for approx. 10yrs. He had been seeing prostitutes. He quickly blamed me for not wanting sex so he bought it and that he still loved me. He thinks that because it was prostitutes it should be overlooked..after all it wasn’t an affair because he loved me. It’s kinda funny because I started pulling from him because I never felt loved by him. I was an object that he could satisfy himself with. He would position me and had all his gadgets ready..like he was recreating something he had watched on the internet or on one of his porn movies. It felt like rape to me.
I’m seeking a divorice but he doesn’t have to grant me one for 2yrs and that’s what he’s doing. So..I granted myself a divorice! He’s in therapy and so am I. I cry every day and think it would be easier to just die. But then he would win. I have no self esteem or friends left. I’ve only been with 2 men in my 50yrs. One was a h.s. fling and the 2nd I married. I had to ask my doc for blood work to see if I had any STD’s and then face the women at the lab. I’m ashamed even tho it should be him. He’s looking for a house but is still living with me. I spend most of my time after work just looking for a place to hide. Really…all of this pain over freaking sex? There’s way more to life..isn’t there?
What do I say? I spent 30 years with a sex addict. I have been with him since the age of 15. He was sleeping with a girl who lived nearby . He was cheating with porn too. I have found all of this out after 30 years. When we met, he made me give up all my friends and everything else to be with him.
I wake up now, and I am in my 40′s scared to death. we have 3 children, 2 with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
I am working on masters in education at the moment, and finding out he isn’t quite right has messed with my head. I feel crazy sometimes, numb, ashamed, and foolish. He is finally sorry for the pain he caused me by putting a whole in my heart, but sorry doesn’t take the pain away. Sometimes I love and hate him in the same day.
One thing that bothered me was the women I know about, can never be confronted. They knew about me, but didn’t care. They are dirt. So, to help myself, I wrote the letters. Telling them how I felt about their cowardice, and selfishness. How do I fight an unreachable enemy.
I hope they get cheated on , too. When they do; they will remember the trusting, loving innocent whom they destroyed because they intentionally tried to borrow what wasn’t theirs.
2 of the women were fellow soldiers. If I could have caught those two, my husband and them would have lost every stripe they had.
I would have left him, and started over. Any way, I am trying to reconnect with life, but my agoraphobia and panic have made it difficult.
I will continue to pray for you all here, and please pray for me.
Its 5 am and I am in tears reading all of your posts. Seems as though none of us get much sleep. All of these replies are late at night or ealrly in the morning. I have just confirmed through websites and books that my fiance is an addict. We have been together almost 11 years and just had a baby 5 months ago. I had always suspected that he was a sex addict when I found all of the porn years ago but as they all do he said every guy did it and it was normal. How was I to know different. It was the first time I had caught a boyfriend doing that. Then I found out about the massage parlours he had visited while i was pregnant. Again was told it was nothing but a massage. Both places were on an erotic massage website. I was so hurt and disgusted. Recently it has been strippers and lap dances. He was out of town and seems to think its ok to do when he is “on the road”. I’m sure we would all disagree with that. I know this is a much deeper problem with him. He lost is dad at a young age and his mother never got help for him. He just turns off the switch and disconnects from anything that may cause pain.Whenever you try to approach him to talk about anything that is associated with a feeling he bolts. If it might be embarassing to him he bolts. If I yell (i know I need to control that too) he bolts. He did say last night that he was scared to go to therapy because he doesn’t want them to throw him in a mental hospital. He is very nieve at how things work. But that was the furthest we have ever gotten in a conversation about his need to some kind of therapy. Not just for his addiction to sex but to make him a better partner and father. I dont want to bash him totally. He is a good man deep down. I know there are things I need to work on as well. And I am. i fight everyday for this. I have trust issues because of my fathers affair. It just seems like all the men in my life are scum when it comes to being faithful and caring. I just want this to get better and to work not just for our daughter but for us too. I do love this man. But something has to change….. I too pray for all of you. My heart really goes out to each and every one of you. I truly feel your pain down to my core.
Hello. My wide is threatening a divorce. She says I’m a sex addict and I say I’m not. But researching articles I say I am. We have 2 kids together and my family is my world. For me the porn and chat lines are terrible. It not a good thing but I go to them. I decided to go to a sex addiction meeting and see from there. Hopefully this is something your husband will try as well. I believe we can change with work. Sorry to you my wife and anyone else going through this.
I’m so glad I found this site. I was married to a sex addict for 27 years before he died. I believe his addiction killed him. I can relate to so many posts here. I found gay based porn early on in our marriage and there were signs…He would disappear for hours without telling me where he was. There were 2 prescriptions for Cialis. I found some in our car, along with an almost empty bottle of lubricant. I feel so used and abused and above all, stupid for putting up with this and turning a blind eye to it. I couldn’t talk to him about it, because, if I did, he labeled me as paranoid and acted hurt that I would bring it up. Please, people, don’t wait until it’s too late to address these problems. They could literally kill your loved one.
Hi sex addiction is still new to me. My husband of 15yrs had always looked at porn. We have 4 kids together, one with special needs. I thought of it as not a big deal, all men do it is what I thought. When we would have sex he seemed unemotionally detached sometimes. I later found out that porn was satisfiying him more than I could. Which damaged my self esteem alot sooo it made me try harder to be better at anything that would make him happy. In and out of the bedroom. Even doing things I didn’t really want to do. I met a “female friend” of his, and we got along great. She moved away… he confessed that he had a “one night stand” with her before I met her. We seperated and then “worked things out” again me thinking I needed to be better. He’s had repeated “one night stands” with woman he met online I don’t know if anyone has been in this situation before. All I seemed to read about is men looking at porn or haveing an on going affair. I finally went for counselling for some guidance and learned about sex addiction,I told him about it and he admitts this is his problem. He promised me he’d get help for it so that’s why I stayed. He told me this a year ago… I got a bad feeling that I’m going to get burned for believing him. Meeting his “one night stand” isn’t even the worst of it. This is honestly the only time I have ever wrote about being friend’s with one of his flings. So gald no one knows me one here!! Just wondering if porn is the worst of a spouses sex addiction or am I dealing with something else entirely?
Wow. Im sitting here reading all of these posts and cant help but feel happy to know Im not alone in this. Ive been damaged by my boyfriends sex addiction. Im so stuck on him it hurts. I know I should leave, he will never get help but why can I not leave.
About 7 months ago I found out that what I had long suspected was true. My boyfriend of 9 years has had mulitple affairs and has had inappropriate conversations, I guess you could say, internet and text with, as he put it more women then he can count. I have found some of these conversations, and to make matters worse the ones I found also happen to be with people I pretty well. Or thought I did anyway. Several years ago I caught him texting with another women, at that time he said that’s all there was to it. But in my soul I knew he was lying, I just didn’t have any proof. Fast forward about 2 and a half years, after much discussion he admitted to having affairs (not sure how many, 3 I think, but he refuses to give me an exact number…2 I know for sure). It felt like someone pulled the world out from under me. I couldn’t function. Couldn’t think straight, couldn’t comprehend anything. It was the most horrible thing I have even been through. I really thought I was going to loose my mind. Things, for me are better but nowhere near normal. For now I haven’t left. We are both in therapy, he has made drastic changes in certain behaviors (but will they last?)I am now on an anti-depressent / anxiety medication and he is on meds to treat ADHD. We both are also in a 12 step recovery program for substance related issue. We both have 9 years without a drink or a drug. He recently began checking out SA and says their book describes him perfectly. At first I was happy he was seeking that kind of help and I still am but based on what I know about addiction I think I am more scared now then I was when I thought he just had extreme low self esteem issues. It has suddenly dawned on me that addiction never goes away. It can be treated but there’s no cure. There’s a part of me that feels like if I stay there will always be this dark cloud hanging over us. I really don’t want to leave, I can see him seperate from his addiction. That said I have no idea how to do that. No one including my therapist understands what it’s like to walk in my shoes. They really try and have been a great support. Without my friends I do not know if I would still be here. I am desperate to find someone I can talk to who has or is walking this journey. I feel so isolated. There are aspects of his addiction and how it plays out in our sex life that I would rather only share with someone who truly understands. I have searched and searched on line for support groups or 12 step groups. Found a couple of 12 step groups that are supposed to be local to me, called the hotlines, LM’s and haven’t heard back. I hate this! I want to stay for the person he is without the addiction and I don’t want to stay because of the person he becomes with the addiction, it feels like just waiting to be betrayed again. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am so sorry you too have had to experience this. It is the single most vile thing I have ever felt in my life and I have been through some pretty bad traumas leading up to now. For your sake and mine I wish I didn’t have to say it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Hey. Im pretty new to this and I’m sorry i didn’t have a chance to read everyone’s responses. And I’m sorry to say it is a nice feeling knowing I’m not the only one in a position like this. I would never wish this on anyone, not even an enemy. I’v been married for almost 4 yrs… We have a 2 1/2 y/o son and one on the way. Sad to say my husband has been txtg, emailimg, sending/receiving nude pics/vidoes, on dating sites, etc. Since almost the beginning and even as recently until last week. To be honest I am at my limit and idk how to handle him or this marriage anymore. I always believed him when he apologizes, he always says he doesnt know why he does it and that he has a problem, yet he refuses help for the addiction and refuses marraige counseling. How he is with there women, a lot he calls “just friends,” is a lot different than how how he is with me. He is so much nicer and sweeter and i am just never good enough nor get anything close to positive attn like these other women. I’ve even approached some of them and asked them to not contact my husband anymore and some have just gotten nasty and a cpl even told me this is what’s going to happen if i stay with him (sex btwn him and that woman). I don’t know if he has actually physically cheated but I have caught him many time trying to meet with them or implying it. It’s just really devastating and idk what to do anymore. It’s hard to try and get life back together and even gain confidence again – there is nothing worse than loving someone unconditionally amd giving your all to someone who just doesn’t feel the same way. I have given him so many outs yet he has never took them which makes this so much worse. Even this most recent time, i got an apology and that he will try to be a bettet husband. Not once could he say or to tell me he wants me or or this marriage, even when I ask him, yet he could tell another woman how he would love to wake up to her beautiful eyes, smile and body. I’m just in a bad place right now and idk what the best thing to do anymore. It does make things harder having a child. I dnt want him to be hurt but i don’t want him to be in a dysfunctional family. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please let me know. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with the same thing.
I read all the posts here, and identify with something in every one. I have been married 26 years, minus one in which he left me for another woman. He came back, we went to therapy for a long time. I thought we were on the right track. Then I saw he was occasionally using internet porn. We put a filter on the computer, but I didn’t know there were still millions of sites out there that are unrated. So yesterday I was doing a routine cleaning of the computer and found a back-log of porn sites. I feel like I’m going through the trauma of him leaving me all over again like he did 12 years ago. I’m disabled, bankrupt, and literally can’t afford a divorce so I’m living with him. Most of the time we like each other and are good companions, but there are these terrible regressions, and this latest one feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I saw all these young anorexic models on the sites he had visited, and although I know in my head not to take it personally–that it is his problem–it is hard not to feel really old and ugly and hideous. I’m also really alone, partly because my disability isolates me. I can’t drive to therapy or afford it, and there’s nothing decent in my area–I’ve tried. I can’t sleep tonight, I feel so traumatized by what he’s done, all the secrets he’s kept, the common repeating theme of deception and betrayal, and my feeling stuck with this. Thanks to any who read this, thanks to this site for being a place to vent. I will find a way to make it through this. He is taking steps to get help and asked me to lock him out of our computer. I just hope he won’t go have another affair or engage in some other form of risky behavior if he doesn’t have access to internet porn. Obviously he has to learn some better ways of coping with stress. Meanwhile no matter how much I’ve approached him for intimacy, I’ve been rejected to the point where it is too humiliating to even keep trying. In Quaker tradition, I “hold you (all), along with me and my spouse in the Light” for comfort, consolation, wisdom, and healing.
I understand all too well how you feel. My life is very close to yours. Would you believe, I grew up being physically/ sexually/ emotionally abused. My father broke my nose 3 times. I then married a sex addict who abused me in ways I never dreamed possible. Then I met someone, left him & here I am today with…of course another sex addict. We have been together for 19 years. In the beginning, I was ‘in love for what felt like the first time ever! Too bad, I was in love alone. Took me years to catch on. Even when caught, he still lied. He wrote the book on minimize, justify & defend. If I had a dollar for every time he said he would stop, I could buy an island. He went from strip clubs, porn on house & work computers, massages in poker rooms by known prostitutes and I don’t even know what else in the parking lot. I’ve slept on the couch for 4 years. I don’t care about that. I hurt so much. He never stops, he just finds new ways to hide what he’s doing. I feel so alone, angry & you name it. Last summer, I told him to never touch me again. I feel dirty if he just looks at me. I told him countless times that I never signed up for this…I just wanted to love him & be loved back. Not anymore. I want nothing from him…ever. My heart goes out to everyone here . I wish better days to all.
Marin, I am glad you are both in therapy. I am especially glad you have friends to stand by you. I tried talking to a friend a few years ago. I got the old ‘ boys will be boys’ crap. This was, of course, someone who didn’t have a clue. Lay time I talked to her about this. I would give anything to have someone to talk to who has been there. It takes all I have, not to search for things. I did this forever. Where did it get me? Nowhere….just deeper pain. I’m a sober alcoholic of 12 years & I know about progression. I’m long past the idea of ‘maybe I can drink again’. Not an option. What about sex addicts? Can they ever be with someone and not feel ‘triggered’ to look for another fix somewhere? Can they learn to make love and be thing if us during it? I have lived this for 19 years. Sex, with me ended 6 months ago. It felt disgusting anyway. Years back, I was supposedly, his first lol. I bought it. Then he made ‘bedroom’ requests I thought belonged in a sick x rated movie. He just said it was all his idea & would be fun. My gut kicked in. I checked the computer and I was right. He was using me to imitate what he saw. He cried his eyes out & swore he would stop. I bought it again. Well, I can tell you, just in my experience, it NEVER stopped. He had more excuses and became a master manipulater. He went to therapy then too. I pray things work out for you. I just wanted to share my pathetic life. Thanks for reading :’(
My husband is a sex addict and has a porn addiction. This has been the most devastating time of my life. We have been together for over 2 years and we have had problems. My husband is a good man. But, when he is seeking other woman or is watching the porn, he is a different person. I have done everything I know to do to help him. This is a cycle for us. Over and over. When I confront him or find out, he stops for a while. I need to be strong enough to leave. I want to help him, but he has to want to be helped. He doesn’t think he has a problem. Each day is very lonely. I love him, but I can’t save him. He has broken me inside and I have to heal. I can’t heal while I am with him and I can’t trust him and he continues to do the same things over and over
I am not married nor have been in a long term relationship with an addict. However, I have been dating one for 7 months. We’ve been friends for 4 years but I just recently found out about his addiction. He has an addiction from the same sex. There is a friend of ours hes met on many occasions. I recently caught him hiding a conversation with this man and was curious. I saw that the message was to organize another meeting… I was upset. I thought I should just leave… not put myself through such pain. He broke down and begged me for help. We both love each other and have a connection unlike any other. It’s the real deal. I just don’t know what to do.. I mean I’m only a woman… How can I satisfy him enough to ease off his cravings for men? I want to help but I don’t know what to do…
Let me start by saying that I didn’t know my wife of 3 years is a sex addict. I found out when we went to counseling after the first affair she had. A specialist that the counselor we were seeing diagnosed her as a sex addict. Of coarse she laughed it off and asked me did I think she was a sex addict. Well now I can answer a definitive yes!!
I thought that the counseling had helped. But on occasion I still had my suspicions so on occasion I monitored her conversations. I was appalled to here her talking to a co worker about an affair she had with another co worker. Of course she’s denying that it was a recent incident and claimed that it happened before we were together. But I do not believe her.
These co workers are former co workers of mine. (I am now retired from this job) So she has also humiliated me in front of these people. (The first affair was also with one of these co workers) I love my wife and would like for things to work out. But I don’t see how it can. She has serious issues from her past that created this problem.
I am ready to throw in the towel but thought I would try to get some GOOD advice from some reliable web sites dedicated to this problem.
The counseling that we went to originally has apparently done no good.
I believe there have been other affairs that I do not know about. So other than getting a divorce lawyer I have no idea what to do.
HELP!!
Hi I believe that my husband has a sexual addiction because he has cheated on me maybe 10 times since we’ve been together over the 7 years. also he still goes on chate lines and talk to different females and make them believe that he’s someone that he’s not. I dont know how long I could go on like this with him, but I dont want to leave him when he has a problem. I’ve asked him to go for help and we have seek councelling has a couple but he never complete it cause he doesnt see that he has a problem. I dont know what else to do but I cant live like this anymore please help
I can SO relate to everyone’s comments as my husband has been lying about strip clubs and porn viewing behaviors (mostly tv when I was at work) apparently for quite some time. The betrayal and lack of trust was overwhelming. He was the one who admonished our college kids if they didn’t go to church… anyway, over the last several years (while trying different counselors) I found recoverynation.com and Barb Steffens PTSD model of great help. While my spouse is in counseling, I find I still need help with everyday triggers ~ the newspaper strip club ads in sports, the Hardee’s commercials that look like porn, the “meat tops” I see teens wear.. although I dismissed this prior; now it is really hard for me since my “eyes have been opened”. Any suggestions?
Hey Tammy…I think you said the magic words: “I can’t live like this anymore.” You’re right. You can’t. So, change your life.
Change is hard…so hard…but it’s so worth it. You won’t even begin to fully understand how bad things really are until you get out and see how good they can actually be. I’m in the middle of divorcing my sex/porn/chat/teen? addicted husband, and while divorce is no picnic, living on my own terms is amazing.
You can’t change him. Even if he agreed he had a problem, you can’t fix it for him. All you can change is yourself, and it sounds like you’re almost ready to start. I wish you lots of luck and all the best on this journey.
I too am a victim of betrayal. 13 days after our wedding I received a call forwarded from da phone from a hooker in the city where he had stopped. After that we started counseling but when counselor went back to school da wouldn’t find any one else. He then denied it all and said I manipulated the counselor. So really the honesty never came and he told a few things but not all. I say these things because no matter how rough our situation is I can find a worse one. This past summer I found out he has had a long term strait and he won’t even be a msn and own up to it so i started taping conversations and he says I love you to her and that broke my heart. The email address is good if u need to talk
My sa drives a truck too and I found the further away from me he is the more he acts out!
I just left my sex addict/alcoholic. We were married year ago November. He has been on dating sex sites the whole time, talking to women, porn etc., like all of you have stated it is just baffling. I just moved out and I am going to file for a divorce as soon as possible. It was destroying my health and I was constantly stressed out and just in disbelief. I don’t believe staying for me would help anyone. I would have died at a early age if I would have stayed. He is in denial and will not change so my life was more valuable than that. Good luck to you all. i already feel better.
my husband and I are going through this now (married 2 years). I left my home in Australia to move to Mexico to marry my husband. At most we are very happy, we don’t fight, finance issues are big. My husband hasn’t had sex with anyone else or gone to strip clubs. we go everywhere together. He is struggling with porn, flirting and skype and he prefers to masterbate then have sex with me. all his friends tell him how perfect i am for him and all that….. he met women in his previous job at a resort and has kept in contact with them, most are married and all have lots of money. He got into an email, facebook (2nd account) and skype relationships with them. I found out about all of them and confronted him and i even sent a message to one of the women’s sister who intern told her husband. the worst part was on my 31st birthday this year i received messages to my ipod from women he was messaging and i read all their dirty messages. he said its just a game he likes to see how far he can get them to go, once they want to come visit him he stops. He was seeing a sex therapist which did help but the problem is he now thinks in his mind he can’t have sex with anyone not even me, we go weeks with out having sex or being close. He says he is embrassed to talk to me about it. I am so frustrated and being in a country that is not mine and that I don’t yet speak the language, im lonely. He has told me he has stopped with the messaging and he has made a big change which I can see. he is used to being free, doing what he wants and having as many women as he wants he says he feels trapped and in jail. he has said Im the best thing that has happened to him, ive taught him to love and that it’s ok to have someone love you and support you. it is something that he has never had even as a child. now he is lost, wants to have sex with me but can’t get started, i put myself out there and try new things to not make sex boring. he just wants to have sex with another women or at least a threesome. I don’t know what to think, i guess like many i assumed it was all my fault and is me. I can see from reading here that it isn’t. I love my husband and the life we are trying to create but I am frustrated, living in mexico is not easy. we are lucky to have $20 between us right now, i want to be here i want to be with my husband. This is my 2nd marriage i don’t want to walk out again. I can handle my husband watching porn, i will watch it with him but i want him to want me like he wants that thrill to be with other women.
um ok so i am married to a man who likes to mastrabate in his truck and watches women. when i first caught him i thought he was cheating on me.. I have done sooo much snooping he has no private life any more.. i have become a crazed person due to his addiction. the other day i voice recorder him and found out he is masturbating at home now instead of using his truck. i hope he is getting better he says he is when confronted. but i fear the worst always. he has explained to me that he has done it all his life and wants to change.. i to was a addict at one point in my life but by the grace of God i have been set free and no longer want to.. dont get me wrong i still have days but few and far between and i dont act on urges. does any one relate to this story and what was outcome.. hurting in cali..
I think my partner is a sex addict, we have been together 11years and have 2 children, . i didnt have a clue people tell me he has had affairs but had no prove, his mother confirmed today. I went to a phycic who confirmed he has a sex addiction. im broken all i want to do is help him but denies all affairs chats sexual encounters etc, i found 3 more emails today on our own email account im lost ”””
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