Self-Esteem and the Myth of Not Needing Others
October 21st, 2009
By Tina Gilbertson, MA, Self-Esteem Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
“I am a rock, I am an island,” sang Simon & Garfunkle. “And a rock feels no pain / And an island never cries.”
Many people believe that having healthy self-esteem means you don’t need anyone else’s approval, that your own good opinion of yourself replaces any concern for what others think of you.
The fact is, regardless of our baseline level of self-esteem, we do care what other people think. And it’s a good thing, too; we’re social animals. We’re not rocks or islands but people living among a diverse population of other people. To truly not care what others think is to be in trouble socially.
So why does it seem that folks with healthy self-esteem don’t care what others think of them? They speak their minds plainly and share themselves openly, without apparent fear of ridicule or judgment.
There is a difference in this area between high and low self-esteem. It’s not whether you care what others think of you, it’s what you assume they’re thinking!
People with injured self-esteem are prone to believing that others are critical of them. This belief is a projection of their own feelings of self-criticism. For instance, if I think what I just said was stupid, it will be hard for me to believe that you don’t agree with me. And unless I ask you directly what you think of what I just said, I might never find out that in fact you found it rather clever. Without this information, I’ll go with my belief: What I said was stupid, and I should really just keep my mouth shut.
A person who enjoys healthy self-esteem cares just as much what others think, but tends to assume, in the absence of clear evidence to the contrary, that others are okay with what she’s doing or saying. Her belief reflects a conviction that she’s acceptable. She has a feeling she understands at least the basics of social interaction, that she’s not way off base in how she generally behaves.
Many of those with injured self-esteem didn’t get clear cues when they were young about what was expected of them and/or how they were doing with regard to those expectations. Or worse, the message was very clear, and consistently negative. In a sense, they’re always on probation, their self-worth at stake from moment to moment. They really don’t know how they’re doing, but they suspect they’re not measuring up.
No wonder some people listen to “I am a Rock” with a sense of admiration or envy. Relationships are fraught with pitfalls for those with injured self-esteem.
But the fact that we’re not islands is very good news; resources are all around us. As long as you have connections with others, it’s possible to fill in any gaps left over from childhood. You can learn how you’re really doing. This will enable you to either relax or work on changing some things. Probably both.
You can gather the information you need to become more confident in your relationships and in yourself. Information is all around you for the asking. I call it “checking in.” Here are some examples:
“Did I hurt your feelings when I said that 43-year-olds shouldn’t carry teddy bears?”
“I’m not sure I’m being a good host. Is there anything you need?”
“You seem irritated. Have I offended you?”
Checking in like this boosts self-esteem by empowering us in relationships. Information is power, and we have the right to request it. The more empowered we feel in our dealings with other people, the less necessary it becomes to try to be an island.
©Copyright 2009 by Tina Gilbertson, MA, LPC, therapist in Portland, OR. All Rights Reserved.
-
Find the Right Therapist
-
10 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
When you ask the questions, you also need to be prepared to deal with the answers. If you say “You seem irritated. Have I offended you?” and they say yes, a less than confident person might fall apart at having to deal with that. Checking in is a good thing and it’s smart to be ready to respond appropriately.
Good article. Thank you Tina! I’ve thought before that very confident people (is there such a thing as being too confident?) are arrogant, egotistical and self centered. What they called high self esteem I called selfish and not taking responsibility for hurting people. I can see the difference now.
Defeating negative self talk is so so hard! I’m very guilty of that and watch for signs that I’m disliked instead of liked. And if they tell me they like me, I think “Why would they like me?”. It’s silly. Even I know I have years of hard work in therapy ahead to improve my self-esteem. I guess I’ve never quite grown out of being that chubby little girl. I will someday. Thanks for a good article and also the information gathering technique.
Every word that escaped my father’s mouth was either foul or negative. If it wasn’t my mother, it was me or a sibling that was getting a roasting or a slap. When he couldn’t find anything to complain about that we did, it would be the house or the yard or the shed that wasn’t right and it was all our fault. Rinse, lather, repeat. He never ever said “Well done” or “Good job” to any of us. I’ve worked hard to not hear his voice in my head berating me for the rest of my life and am getting there. He’s not going to break me.
Well, it is true that whether a person has a high self-esteem or not, he does think of what others think of his talks or actions, the difference is just that someone with a high self-esteem is confident enough of his talks or actions and is convinced that he could not be wrong in what he says or does.
Self-esteem is good but not in an excess. When it is too high, we would not even listen to suggestions and would treat anybody’s view-point as nothing to take note of and even positive-criticism may anger us. Each one of us needs to learn to listen to feedback given by others.
a lil pat on the shoulder is a habit we give away!! Encouragement is a 2 way street. It makes us feel good that we did a better thing and it does magic for the person needing it.
Having healthy self esteem and being arrogant are two totally different things. People with high self esteem do care what others have to say about them, it just may not always affect them in a negative way or they will find a way to learn from it instead of turning it into something bad. Those who are egotistical though just don’t care at all.
Not needing anybody else is surely a wrong idea to carry. No matter how arrogant or confident a person acts, deep down inside he knows that he cannot be all by himself… everybody needs encouragement and feedback.
A little quiet contemplation time is healthy but complete isolation? Making yourself into an island doesn’t improve your self-esteem. It lets you hide from any possibility that it will be challenged. You’d learn nothing about life by resorting to self-imposed solitary confinement.
Leave a Reply
By commenting on this blog you acknowledge acceptance of this Blog's Terms and Conditions of Use.