Self-Esteem: How Much is Too Much?

December 15th, 2009
By Tina Gilbertson, MA, Self-Esteem Topic Expert Contributor

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The notion that there’s such a thing as “too much” self-esteem is based on a case of mistaken identity. Arrogance, egotism, selfishness, superiority, over-confidence: These are sometimes mistaken for self-esteem gone haywire. This misconception is rampant even among psychologists and counselors; a professor of mine in graduate school once remarked that “most of the convicted felons in prison have high self-esteem.” His statement was absurd, but understandable given the popular conception of self-esteem as thinking everything you do is okay.

Here’s the real truth. Self-esteem is like health. There’s no such thing as too much of it. You can be healthy in varying degrees, but there’s no such thing as being too healthy. If you’re engaging excessively in healthy behaviors like exercise, you cross back over into the realm of “unhealthy.” The ultimate in healthy is perfect health. There really is no such thing as too much health.

Balance is another example. Objects are either in balance or out of balance. If you’re doing gymnastics and you “over-balance,” you have lost your balance. There is no such thing as being “too balanced.” There is only balance, and its opposite. And that’s exactly how self-esteem works. “Too much self-esteem,” like too much health or too much balance, is really its own opposite.

So who are these imposters, masquerading as self-esteem? Let’s look at each of them.

Arrogance and Egotistm

These qualities seem to convey an overly positive attitude toward the self. People considered arrogant or egotistical come across as almost completely self-contained; they don’t need your approval, because their own is more than enough.

But genuine self-esteem always entails esteem for others, too. And people who fail to show others the same positive attitude they hold for themselves are exhibiting not healthy self-esteem, but rather unhealthy self-focus. They’re attempting to bolster their own egos by providing themselves with a 24/7 cheerleading squad. Why do they need such a thing?

If they truly thought they were that special, they wouldn’t need to brag about it. For this reason, self-esteem and egotism do not go together. Self-esteem gives you the quiet confidence of knowing you’re good enough that you don’t need to toot your own horn constantly.

Self-Centeredness

Being focused on one’s own needs is a stage of development in everyone’s life. Babies cry when they’re wet or hungry; they don’t consider whether this is a good time for their caregivers to change them or feed them.

Babies are naturally and appropriately self-centered; their brains are not well enough developed yet to consider the needs of others in relation to their own. As they grow they discover that they are not in fact the center of the universe, that others have their own feelings and needs.

But some people get stuck at this earlier, self-focused, stage of development; they’re physically adults but they haven’t grown up on the inside. They still have a sense that they are in fact the center of the universe, and others’ needs aren’t as real or important as their own. Thus, people who are self-centered are not emotionally mature, since emotional maturity involves being able to take the perspective of another. In other words, being self-centered is not a problem of too much self-esteem, but of too little emotional maturity.

Superiority and Over-Confidence

Those who watched the first season of The Apprentice on TV will undoubtedly remember the contestant named Omarosa, whose sense of superiority alienated everyone she came in contact with. Omarosa appeared to feel that she had more class than some of her competitors, and told them so. In return, she was almost universally disliked.

Poor Omarosa! Her superior attitude didn’t really stem from some heartfelt conviction of superiority, but was more likely an adaptation to long-standing feelings of being different, based on experiences of not fitting in and being rejected.

When a person feels different from others, they essentially have three choices. The high self-esteem choice is to acknowledge the difference and try to co-exist peacefully, using empathy and diplomacy. This is extremely hard to do, because as a culture, we don’t really have a concept of “different but equal.” There is only “better than” or “less than”

That leaves two choices when you feel like you don’t belong: You can feel less than others, or you can feel better than them. Omarosa made the choice, whether consciously or unconsciously, to believe she was better. It was an adaptive choice, as she was able to accomplish a great deal despite humble beginnings. But her superiority act, like that of so many others, had nothing to do with self-esteem; it was a way for her to deal with intolerable feelings of not fitting in.

In short, the people who seem to have too much self-esteem, don’t. Their behavior is designed to compensate for some form of insecurity. In other words, despite appearances, they’re suffering from too little self-esteem.

This may be a huge shock to those who know them; they seem to think so highly of themselves, and they want everyone to know it! But think about it for a moment: Who most needs everyone to think they admire themselves? Those who don’t. Who needs everyone to know they’re confident? Those who aren’t. And who needs to believe everything they do is okay? Those who believe that if they do one thing wrong, they’re utterly useless.

So the next time someone is driving you crazy with their arrogance, their self-centeredness or their superiority, consider treating them with kindness and compassion; it will soothe their ailing self-esteem.

 

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©Copyright 2009 by Tina Gilbertson, MA, LPC, therapist in Portland, OR. All Rights Reserved.

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