Saying No
September 4th, 2008 |
By Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.
Because most of us like to think of ourselves as nice, thoughtful and kind, saying no may be something that can be difficult for us. We all seek behavior that is consistent with our self concept. If we think that saying no makes us unloving and unaccommodating, therefore in conflict with our valued self image, we will struggle with saying no.
I recently saw the movie 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama. In the movie the Dalai Lama, the leader of the Buddhist religion, turned away interviewers who seemed disrespectful or disingenuous. This was a revelation for me. I was surprised somehow because I believed that he would most likely entertain anybody who asked. It was personally liberating to see that he didn’t suffer fools gladly. He quickly sent away those people he felt were wasting his time. In other words, he said no.
The Buddhist nun Pema Chodron calls compassion that essentially leads us to say yes when we need to say no “dumb compassion”. I am a big believer in compassion as a powerful force of love in the world. Yet, when we are extending ourselves in a way that is detrimental to ourselves or others, we are exhibiting dumb compassion. To enable others with our “yes” and condone, sanction and assist others in behavior that hurts us or them is an example of dumb compassion. It isn’t more benevolent to say yes when we need to say no.
If we have said “no” three times and they don’t seem to respect our “no” we can be assured they are trying to control us. We may need to walk away if we aren’t being listened to.
Certainly, if saying “no” is okay for the Dalai Lama, whose name means monk with wisdom as big as the ocean, it is undoubtedly okay for you and I.
©Copyright 2008 by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
13 comments so far
Saying no is just not in my nature. I really do believe that is why I stay stressed all of the time! I take on too much and want to do everything well but I am learning that that is just not possible. And the thing that aggravates me more about it than even my inability to say no is that there are people who know this about me and will take advantage of that. How do I make that stop? I know by getting to the point where I can say no sometimes. But that is very difficult as I want to please everyone!
The only person you need to worry about pleasing is yourself. When you have accomplished that then everyone else should reap the benefits of the resulting happiness without you constantly feeling the need to stretch yourself so thin.
If the Dalai Lama can say no in a kind and compassionate way then so can I!
“Charity begins at home”. A saying that most of us don’t follow. We leave our homes a mess to go out and help other people. A friend of mine was always out lending a helping hand. He was juggling two jobs with very little rest and was involved in myriad church projects. Any poor person would be helped with finances and physical support. He started eating his savings and soon he was left with zilch in the kitty. To complicate matters he had a heart attack. He was not only sick and broke but the pressure of living with him got to his wife, who left him. The next time we get pressured to please, we need to remember that the ability to say “no” lies in us as much as the urge to say “yes”. The distance for it to travel to the tip of our tongue is the same. It’s true we cant extend ourselves in a detrimental manner to ourselves.
But there are those people who really do not have it in their nature to say no. That is not how they act and react to others- sometimes they give new meaning to the phrase that they are too good for their own good! I have had this problem in the past and see how it can totally consume your life. I advise others to find a way when you can to say no- it will often be to your benefit more than you will ever know.
NO is just two letters but we meander and swallow till we arrive at that point where we say no or just agree half heartedly. Saying No to your grown up children is not only embarassing but can change your relationship with them forever. Saying No to too much love is more difficult than waging war with your enemy.
But don’t you just hate it when you feel like people are just guilting you into saying yes all of the time? How do you become strong enough to put a stop to that pattern?
Some people are categorised as blunt and ruthless while others are categorised as sweet and helpful. A straight forward person is probably someone who has practiced saying no as often as saying yes. To be sweet all the time you’ve got to get your toes trampled on some of the time.
i have toddler… he’s pretty good at saying no :)
The power of saying no can be mighty uplifting. You should try it sometime. . .
Uplifting but very much a challenge. I am a yes girl and probably always will be. But that does not necessarily cause me worry or stress. I like to help others. maybe that is where I get my self worth from, and if that is unhealthy then so be it but it makes me feel good to give to others.
I have a hard time saying no as well. I guess I am afraid of hurting someones feelings or making someone mad and I know I shouldn’t be that way..It’s just how I am and I wish I could say No more often, especially when I already have tons of work to do.
It helps me to think in terms of saying, “Thank you, but no thank you” or “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” It took many decades for me to learn to say those things.