Standing up for Yourself in Relationships
May 8th, 2008 |
By Barbi Pecenco, MA
Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
There are plenty of articles out there from relationship experts encouraging the rules of good communication, but rarely does anyone tell us what to do when we have practiced those rules and our partner continues to act unreasonably.
Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually does not work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost. You are NOT powerful when you are critical; instead you give your power away due to the damage it does to your relationship.
Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”
Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it.
This can be easier said than done! If you are reasonable when your loved one behaves unreasonably you inadvertently teach them that their behavior is acceptable to you. It does not do you any good to let your partner be disrespectful to you. It erodes not only your self-regard, but your partner’s as well.
There is often no absolute “right” or “wrong” when it comes to behavior. In your reality, which is made up of your belief systems, your relationships, and your past and present experiences, you are completely “right.” But in your partner’s reality he or she is also “right”. It’s often best to forget right and wrong and instead make a commitment to meet in the middle with understanding and compassion for both realities.
If your partner bullies you to get their own way and you give in, you may avoid conflict in the short-term but you will build resentment and your relationship will suffer in the long term. When you can stand up for yourself you never have to build resentment because you know you can require your partner to consider your feelings when you need to.
Here are 7 steps for standing up for yourself:
1) When your partner behaves unreasonably, first try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of telling yourself your partner is a jerk, try assuming that there is a good explanation. Then maintain a curious stance, asking your partner to help you understand what lead them to behave that way. If you keep an open mind and listen for how your partner’s behavior makes sense (at least in their reality) you may come to a new understanding of your partner. Besides, how can you expect your partner to see your side if you do not do the same?
2) If you approach your partner with a nonjudgmental attitude and they become attacking, defensive, or otherwise unreasonable, keep calm and continue to approach your partner with curiosity instead of disdain, letting them know that you are trying to work with them. They likely will not see right away that you are doing something new and may try to draw you into your old pattern.
3) If, despite your best efforts to give the benefit of the doubt, your partner continues to be unresponsive, critical, or disrespectful, it’s time to ask your partner to consider your feelings. Tell him or her that you aren’t necessarily looking to get your way completely, but that you are asking to find some middle ground that takes into account your feelings as well as your partner’s own.
4) If at this point your partner still refuses to listen or is critical of you, it’s time to insist on being heard. Get angry if you need to. Let your partner know that their behavior is not OK with you and that you need to work together to come up with solutions that work for you both. Don’t be willing to accept anything less.
5) If you are still not getting an acceptable response, refuse to engage any further. It can be pointless to keep at this if you aren’t getting anywhere. If your partner is behaving disrespectfully and you stay and try to reason with them, you are teaching them it’s OK to treat you poorly. Rebuff your partner for now.
6) Take a time out and go cool off. Do something that soothes you such as listening to music, petting the dog, or walking around the block. Do NOT sit there and ruminate about what a jerk your partner is or get on the phone with a friend to tell them what a jerk your partner is. This will only build resentment. Tell yourself that it makes sense that your partner will not easily let go of what they want, just as you won’t, and try not to make a huge deal about it.
7) Return when you are ready and ask to try again. Know that you can repeat the steps from the beginning, continuing to stand up for yourself as necessary, so there is no need to panic, or attack or shame your partner into seeing things your way.
If you are dealing with a domestic violence situation, these guidelines likely do not make sense for you. Please seek out counseling and/or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Emotional and physical safety in the relationship is a prerequisite to using this skill. If domestic violence is not an issue and you find these tips difficult to do, contact a marriage and family therapist in your area to help you with this important relationship skill.
©Copyright 2008 by Barbi Pecenco, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
13 comments so far
We have all probably been in a relationship at some point in our lives which was unhealthy and for some reason made us meek rather than strong. There are some great points included in this article for how to be a stronger person within a loving and committed relationship and is definitely worth a look from anyone who finds themselves in a situation where their partner is taking advantage of them.
You are so right- my most recent relationship was like this. It just literally sucked the life out of me. I thought that my partner would admire me when I finally found the strength to stand up for myself but unfortunately he did not like this new side of me and left. At the time it felt like the most terrible thing in the world but now I realize that it was definitely for the better.
I have such a hard time not becoming belligerent when I am standing up for myself. I just do not know how to do this in a manner which still helps me remain kind to my partner. There is just a part of me that just wants to take up for myself and I always go into the Fight way of thinking. What can I do to make this stop?
UGH! I hate confrontations and that is what standing up for myself often feels like. It makes me feel like the bad guy when I know that deep down inside what I am doing is right for me.
But you have to take up for yourself! There are times and situations where I know this has to be hard for some people but we have just got to get over it! We have to keep our own sanity and that means taking as much time for oursleves as we spend giving to others.
What happens of you have a partner who is just not willing to use any of the above seven steps? Is that when you know that this may not be the right person for you?
Then I think that it is definitely time to let that person go. If you are with someone who does not support and love you enough to try these steps then they are truly not going to be good for you in your life. These are easy things you can do to stand up for yourself but there are some who are just not going to have any part in this. Take my advice and keep on going when you encounter this kind of person and leave them behind for good because they are not going to help you support a healthy relationship or lifestyle.
I have to admit that I have a very hard time not being critical to others in some way either when I have to stand up for myslef or even when they have to stand up to me. I am working so hard to break this habit but I have been doing this my whole life and these habits are super hard to break! For me it has been the realization that I do behave in this way that makes me step back, take a deep breath and focus on other ways that a situation can be resolved.
It is often pointless to keep an argument going just for the sake of “winning” but that is what I do and I know there are others out there who do the same. When I am getting nowhere I need to learn to be a big anough person just to let it go and try again later and maybe by that time things will have cooled down a little and I will better be able to make my point.
Some people are just hard wired to be win at all costs kind of people. These are the kind of folks that it can be really dangeraous to argue with because nothing good will come out of the situation.
But there are times when you just have to take up for yourslef in order to retain your sanity otherwise there will always be someone out there preying on your inabilities and who will walk all over you.
Hi all,
Thank you for taking the time to read my article and to publish such thoughtful responses. To Steve H, there are a few more articles at my website http://www.sdcouplestherapy.com that offer tips on how to confide what you are feeling as opposed to fighting or being critical. I also wrote another article at this site that might be helpful called “Taking Responsibility for Your Feelings”
All the best,
Barbi Pecenco,MA
I don’t really understand how anyone can be right for you if they aren’t willing to at least try to see your point of view occasionally. Being domestically lazy isn’t acceptable behaviour from anyone.
I can’t believe that anyone is unaware that refusal to help with the boring chores of life makes them spoiled and quite frankly child like.
Children need to be taught that although some tasks are dull or repetitive, we have a responsibility to each other to get these things done. If someone has never been taught those sorts of life lessons then perhaps you are better off moving on to someone who will treat you with respect and do their fair share.
Perhaps it isn’t their fault they haven’t developed fully, maybe they aren’t to blame for being lazy, but then neither are you. I love that you guys are willing to help someone become a better person through understanding, but if you reach that sixth stage and your partner is still being an ass, I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking enough is enough. How hard should you really be forced to try?
This isn’t the 1950s, boys and girls are supposed to be taught that domestic chores are the responsibility of all family members. I teach my son and daughter how to do tasks traditionally thought of as male chores, and I teach them both that we also need to do our fair share of those that were once considered female chores.
If nothing else this means we can at least vary our boring tasks. But the key lesson is teaching the entire family to take pride in their willingness to work for each other and the self respect that comes from being a contributing member of the family. Even if it’s a family of 1 or 2.