I was wondering how I would go about using this approach when talking about intimacy issues. My husband and I are very young, but I feel that there is already a lack of intimacy on his part. The main issue is right after we have intercourse. Most of the time he will immediately want to put on his clothes and continue with the day, making me feel like he has immediately lost interest in me. This in turn makes me not want to have intercourse as much because I know immediately after I will be ignored. I already nag him so much I do not know how to bring this issue up without sounding like an attention-needing wife. I do not want to hurt his feelings, but I still want to communicate my needs in an efficient way. Any suggestion?

Thank you for taking the time to read my article and for your responses. I wanted to respond to Belle’s question about what to do if you are not comfortable with this approach. I think it’s really important to use your own words when you phrase things. You don’t want to sound like you are reading off a script obviously. At the same time, it’s important that we know our partner is willing to work with us on issues inside and outside of the relationship. Asking, “would you be willing…” implies that the person can make a choice to comply or not. To me this is not at all condescending, but just the opposite–it gives the person autonomy and the space to open up about their point of view. You may want to check out another article I wrote called “The Impact of Resentment”. You can find it here at goodtherapy or at my website under relationship tips.

All best,
Barbi

I can see where Bryan is coming from though I wouldn’t have put it quite like that. If I were to say to my husband “I need to know that you are going to go out and look for another job immediately or file for unemployment so that I’m assured we will have money coming in soon. Are you willing to do that?”, well… he would see that as being patronizing and ordering him around, two of his pet hates that I’m often accused of unjustly. I know what is said there is not and you know it’s not, but that’s how he would see it.

We do the shaming, him more than I, and I want it to stop : phrasing it like that would just push his buttons and escalate it into a bigger fight. What to do? Is there another alternative?

How can you (and your buddies) possibly expect to be treated as adults if you, as you just admitted, shirk your responsibilities? That’s what kids do. You can’t have it both ways.

Forgetting is different, we all do that occasionally but shirking? Give me a break. Behave like a grown up and you might get treated like one. Because if you’re shirking them, your wife’s getting left to do them. No wonder she gets on your back. Wives want a partner, not a juvenile.

Newsflash: It’s not a female problem. It’s your problem. You admitted to it. So play fair and quit shirking.