Relationships – Shame on You
October 29th, 2009 |
By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA
The most damaging thing we can do to our partner is to shame them. What does shaming sound like? It is most often a statement made with a tone that conveys disgust and gives our partner the message that they aren’t OK or are somehow bad or wrong. Here are some examples I’ve heard in my office or used on my husband (before I learned how bad shaming is for relationships):
- “What is the matter with you?” or “What the hell were you thinking?”
- “Be a real man” or “Man up” or “What kind of a man would ask me to pay rent?”
- “You are disgusting!” or “You are a loser!”
- “Joe Shmoe is a real family man.” (implying that your partner isn’t)
- “You are just like your mother/father.” (if this isn’t a compliment and let’s face it, it usually isn’t!)
- “You’re crazy!” or “You’re so emotional!” or “You’re so needy!” or better yet “You’re psycho!”
Shaming can also be conveyed non-verbally by eye-rolling, huffing and puffing, giving a nasty look, or being sarcastic.
It is very important that we feel emotionally safe in our relationships. We cannot possibly feel that way when our partner consistently sends us shaming messages that explicitly or implicitly imply that we are somehow not OK.
I wholeheartedly believe that relationships can be negativity free. I work with the couples who come to see me to have this kind of relationship. Negativity free means no blaming, no shaming, no criticism, and no feeling emotionally unsafe. Ever!
Most people don’t believe this is possible. My own therapist is skeptical when I tell her that my husband and I very rarely fight. Why we would waste our time fighting when we darn well know how to talk about what’s bothering us without blame and criticism, how to get our needs met, how to not build resentment, and how to allow the other person to truly be themselves? We wouldn’t!
These shaming behaviors are so ingrained, it’s difficult to stop them. We’ve heard since we were small that we are either good or bad, right or wrong. But there is a better way!
In short, it’s best for your relationship if you confide your needs and feelings and stop diagnosing your partner, interpreting them, or blaming/shaming them.
So instead of, “What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you keep a job? How could I have married such a loser?” you can stop implying that there is anything “wrong” with your partner, take responsibility for how their behavior impacts you, and express what you really need, “When you told me you got laid off from your job, I felt really scared because I’m not sure that we can live on my salary alone. I need to know that you are going to go out and look for another job immediately or file for unemployment so that I’m assured we will have money coming in soon. Are you willing to do that?”
Your partner will appreciate you being on their side and simply sharing your needs and feelings without all the blame. At the same time you are also being clear about what you need to feel OK in the situation and you are asking for your partner’s help in meeting your need. He/she will likely be able to respond in a more satisfying way than if you continue to berate them.
What often happens when we blame or shame our partner, is that they now become so invested in defending themselves from our perceived attack that the real issue (how will we survive without your job?) gets lost. He/she will spend time blaming their boss for their job loss or ineffectively fighting back, which means that you won’t get the satisfaction of knowing if your partner is willing to meet your needs until you somehow finally resolve this argument in three days or never.
Here are some simple steps to determining how you feel/what you need:
Step1 –figure out what you are feeling in the situation (you may feel angry that your partner lost their job, but is that your MOST primary feeling? In this case, you likely feel scared about an uncertain future, so go with that. A scared partner is easier for most of us to deal with than an angry one)
Step 2 – Figure out what your needs are in the situation (we need money to survive/I need to know you are willing to do what it takes to contribute positively to this situation)
Step 3 – Figure out the strategy to get the needs met (unemployment/get a new job)
Step 4- Ask your partner if they are willing to help you get your need met (Are you willing to look for a new job immediately or file for unemployment or employ some other reasonable solution?)
Just for fun (on your own) you can think of your MOST judgmental thought about your partner (“YOU ARE SO LAZY!”). Now let this thought go and return to your feelings and needs.
This can be a difficult shift to make, but you can motivate yourself to respond in this new way by thinking about how much time and negative energy you will have to invest if you go the blaming/shaming route (“You are so lazy”) versus a more satisfying, less destructive route (“I am scared about our finances, please reassure me that you will do what it takes to contribute”).
This doesn’t mean that we don’t get to ask our partner to change their behavior. But they will NOT be able to respond to “You are so lazy” productively. They will get stuck in their shame and will want to avoid you, not work with you to make things better. Even if he/she does go out and get another job, there will be negative feelings of resentment between the two of you due to your partner feeling so disrespected by you, which damages the relationship in the long run. Your partner cannot give freely to you under the threat of coercion. It has nothing to do with whether they love you or not, or whether they are truly dependable or not. It has everything to do with human nature.
©Copyright 2009 by Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
14 comments so far
Lets face it-each one of us has got their own ego and nobody likes it when their ego gets hurt, no matter by who… any kind of insult is damaging to a relationship…
How a person reacts to being shamed depends on the nature of the person but whether the person fights back or keeps quiet, shaming someone is bound to hurt them and create a rift in the relationship, especially so in a wedlock.
I know that I always play the blame game with my boyfriend but it ’s like I can’t help myself. I know that I never want to take the responsibility for when anything goes wrong so I shift the blame to him. What makes it so bad is that I know that I am doing this but I just can’t help myself. I always have this need for everything to be someone else’s fault. Why is that? It is making both of us crazy and I know that it is going to drive a wedge between us before all is said and done.
I thought I heard myself when I read this 1. hey I cant help myself and become subjective when I have an issue with my boyfriend. I generally try to get someone else to make my point for me cos I am not a very forgiving person if an argument goes all wrong.
I am not opinionated when I say this but I think this is a largely female problem. I hear this when I have forgotten a chore in the same manner from my wife and so do so many of my pals. We dont claim to be right when we shirk or forget our responsibilities. It’s nice to be treated as an adult and with a little self respect if possible.
Any relationship is based on trust and respect. And shaming someone destroys both these aspects and will mark the beginning of the end of the relationship.
There are different ways of saying the same thing. It can be said in a way that it is met with revolt or a smile… both are possible, for the very same thing! People may call you a smooth-talker or even cunning, but it is wise and better for the relationship, if we learn and choose to put our message across to our partner in such a way that it does not, at any cost, enrage or make them sad. We have to put the message across but in the most subtle way possible.
Excellent post, apart from the psychobabble “I need…”
That phrase from my wife might cause me to respond with a withering shame-type response. Fortunately she never speaks like that so I have no need [(:-) ] to see a therapist to correct my behaviour (at least as far as shame speech goes).
Justin, you said “I am not opinionated when I say this but I think this is a largely female problem. I hear this when I have forgotten a chore in the same manner from my wife and so do so many of my pals. We dont claim to be right when we shirk or forget our responsibilities. It’s nice to be treated as an adult and with a little self respect if possible.”
How can you (and your buddies) possibly expect to be treated as adults if you, as you just admitted, shirk your responsibilities? That’s what kids do. You can’t have it both ways.
Forgetting is different, we all do that occasionally but shirking? Give me a break. Behave like a grown up and you might get treated like one. Because if you’re shirking them, your wife’s getting left to do them. No wonder she gets on your back. Wives want a partner, not a juvenile.
Newsflash: It’s not a female problem. It’s your problem. You admitted to it. So play fair and quit shirking.
Thank you for your insightful article Barbi. What I would like to know is how to gain acceptance of this approach.
I can see where Bryan is coming from though I wouldn’t have put it quite like that. If I were to say to my husband “I need to know that you are going to go out and look for another job immediately or file for unemployment so that I’m assured we will have money coming in soon. Are you willing to do that?”, well… he would see that as being patronizing and ordering him around, two of his pet hates that I’m often accused of unjustly. I know what is said there is not and you know it’s not, but that’s how he would see it.
We do the shaming, him more than I, and I want it to stop : phrasing it like that would just push his buttons and escalate it into a bigger fight. What to do? Is there another alternative?
There is always an alternative to shaming someone. Even a shirker, lazy couch potato. Everyone likes to be treated nicely. It isnt so difficult to treat someone who is an adult like an adult.
wat is this – female problem? Hey I dont enjoy serving my husband and his drinking buddies when its game night!! Women handle demeaning and take it in their stride a lot more often than men do.
Hi guys,
Thank you for taking the time to read my article and for your responses. I wanted to respond to Belle’s question about what to do if you are not comfortable with this approach. I think it’s really important to use your own words when you phrase things. You don’t want to sound like you are reading off a script obviously. At the same time, it’s important that we know our partner is willing to work with us on issues inside and outside of the relationship. Asking, “would you be willing…” implies that the person can make a choice to comply or not. To me this is not at all condescending, but just the opposite–it gives the person autonomy and the space to open up about their point of view. You may want to check out another article I wrote called “The Impact of Resentment”. You can find it here at goodtherapy or at my website under relationship tips.
All best,
Barbi
Hi Barbi,
I was wondering how I would go about using this approach when talking about intimacy issues. My husband and I are very young, but I feel that there is already a lack of intimacy on his part. The main issue is right after we have intercourse. Most of the time he will immediately want to put on his clothes and continue with the day, making me feel like he has immediately lost interest in me. This in turn makes me not want to have intercourse as much because I know immediately after I will be ignored. I already nag him so much I do not know how to bring this issue up without sounding like an attention-needing wife. I do not want to hurt his feelings, but I still want to communicate my needs in an efficient way. Any suggestion?