Comments on: Relationships and Attunement http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/ Exploring Healthy Psychotherapy Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:50:37 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 hourly 1 By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-19057 Anne Ream Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:15:28 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-19057 Hello again Carter, No vilification here! We need many more men like you, and some others I know, all of who are trying to be attuned. And, its true that when we try to be attuned, we will make mistakes. That's very real, and to be expected. Just try again, do not give up. Again, thanks for writing! Hello again Carter,

No vilification here! We need many more men like you, and some others I know, all of who are trying to be attuned. And, its true that when we try to be attuned, we will make mistakes. That’s very real, and to be expected. Just try again, do not give up. Again, thanks for writing!

]]> By: carter http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-19047 carter Fri, 12 Jun 2009 11:54:10 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-19047 Hey guys thanks for the support here. I expected to be crucified and villified. Hey guys thanks for the support here. I expected to be crucified and villified.

]]> By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18957 Anne Ream Tue, 09 Jun 2009 16:09:16 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18957 Hi Becky, That sounds like an excellent book! And I agree with the authors. There is nothing wrong with being the kind of person who is a "homebody". I can certainly identify with that. For many adolescents and parents there may be a problem with spending too much time on the computer. That is a diffeent concern. Wow, people are so complex! I love it! Kirsten, I appreciate your use of the word "maybe" in your reply to Carter. A great deal of information is not evident through a blog. It's too easy to project our own issues onto another person! Hi Becky,

That sounds like an excellent book! And I agree with the authors. There is nothing wrong with being the kind of person who is a “homebody”. I can certainly identify with that. For many adolescents and parents there may be a problem with spending too much time on the computer. That is a diffeent concern. Wow, people are so complex! I love it!

Kirsten,

I appreciate your use of the word “maybe” in your reply to Carter. A great deal of information is not evident through a blog. It’s too easy to project our own issues onto another person!

]]> By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18955 Anne Ream Tue, 09 Jun 2009 13:12:23 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18955 Hello Carter, Thanks for the wonderful addition to the variety of replies! You are a wonderful example of a well attuned partner! Hello Carter,

Thanks for the wonderful addition to the variety of replies! You are a wonderful example of a well attuned partner!

]]> By: Kirsten http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18949 Kirsten Tue, 09 Jun 2009 11:52:47 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18949 Carter maybe your wife gets angry not because she thinks you know her too well but that you make presumptions about her behavior? Maybe she sees this as being that you think she is predictable instead of you being attuned to her feelings. Carter maybe your wife gets angry not because she thinks you know her too well but that you make presumptions about her behavior? Maybe she sees this as being that you think she is predictable instead of you being attuned to her feelings.

]]> By: Becky http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18935 Becky Tue, 09 Jun 2009 05:13:56 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18935 Like Tawnee's son, My husband is also one who would rather hang out at home, while I love to go out and be around people. This used to cause friction in our marriage. One day while reading "The Missing Link" by Drs. Richard & Phyllis Arno it was like a light bulb went on.... Our personalities are different and that is ok. Now, I not only understand why he is the way he is and why I am the way I am, and how to intertwine these two personalities together for a happy marriage. I am happier than I have ever been. We have been able to meet in the middle- Thank God for the Arnos! Like Tawnee’s son, My husband is also one who would rather hang out at home, while I love to go out and be around people. This used to cause friction in our marriage. One day while reading “The Missing Link” by Drs. Richard & Phyllis Arno it was like a light bulb went on…. Our personalities are different and that is ok. Now, I not only understand why he is the way he is and why I am the way I am, and how to intertwine these two personalities together for a happy marriage. I am happier than I have ever been. We have been able to meet in the middle- Thank God for the Arnos!

]]> By: Carter http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18917 Carter Mon, 08 Jun 2009 20:00:46 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18917 There have been times when I think I have angered my wife by knowing the things she is going to do or say before she even does them. I think that to her I am not intuiting what she will do but what I THINK she will do and she takes major offense to that. So while I really am trying to be more in tune with her sometimes I have to just back off and let her get it out because I fear I am stepping on her toes by actually knowing her too well! There have been times when I think I have angered my wife by knowing the things she is going to do or say before she even does them. I think that to her I am not intuiting what she will do but what I THINK she will do and she takes major offense to that. So while I really am trying to be more in tune with her sometimes I have to just back off and let her get it out because I fear I am stepping on her toes by actually knowing her too well!

]]> By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18907 Anne Ream Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:47:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18907 Hi Tawnee, Yes, this can be a problem with children. The degree to which it is a problem depends on many circumstances like age, gender, social situation, etc. Unfortunately our society continues to socialize boys to be less aware of their feelings. I believe its a good thing that you are making the effort. Self-awareness is a learned social skill. He may surprise you someday by telling you something important! Many parents are finding it helpful to limit the amount of time their child spends on the computer. If you choose to do this, be prepared, he may feel and act out some anger at first. Hi Tawnee,

Yes, this can be a problem with children. The degree to which it is a problem depends on many circumstances like age, gender, social situation, etc. Unfortunately our society continues to socialize boys to be less aware of their feelings. I believe its a good thing that you are making the effort. Self-awareness is a learned social skill. He may surprise you someday by telling you something important! Many parents are finding it helpful to limit the amount of time their child spends on the computer. If you choose to do this, be prepared, he may feel and act out some anger at first.

]]> By: Tawnee http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18899 Tawnee Mon, 08 Jun 2009 11:07:57 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18899 Sometimes I find when I do ask what is wrong, Idon't always get and answer, especially from my son. He likes to stay to himself in his room, on the computer. I ask, everyting ok? he says yeah, if i ask any questions, it's always a yes or no or a short answer. I am trying to read him better, but sometimes I feel I may read him wrong and he is happy and content just being at home on his computer instead of getting out. Sometimes I find when I do ask what is wrong, Idon’t always get and answer, especially from my son. He likes to stay to himself in his room, on the computer. I ask, everyting ok? he says yeah, if i ask any questions, it’s always a yes or no or a short answer. I am trying to read him better, but sometimes I feel I may read him wrong and he is happy and content just being at home on his computer instead of getting out.

]]> By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18861 Anne Ream Sat, 06 Jun 2009 11:42:22 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18861 Hi Shannon, This is a wonderful, positive response! I prefer not to talk about "popular belief" unless I have statistics to back up my perception of what "popular belief" is. I am not sure how another person can be "more in tune with our needs then we think they are". If an individual is in tune with his or her needs, he or she knows when another person is not attuned to them. When you write, "many men are drawn to women who have confidence and great self-esteem", you are writing about a healthy positive cycle that some people are able to achieve. There are many others (men and women) who (for various reasons) are drawn to people who have low self-esteem. This is part of an unhealthy, negative, often abusive cycle that many people are stuck in. This type of problem is very complex. Although positive thinking will be part of the solution, good therapy is usually required to help people out of situations like this. Hi Shannon,

This is a wonderful, positive response! I prefer not to talk about “popular belief” unless I have statistics to back up my perception of what “popular belief” is. I am not sure how another person can be “more in tune with our needs then we think they are”. If an individual is in tune with his or her needs, he or she knows when another person is not attuned to them. When you write, “many men are drawn to women who have confidence and great self-esteem”, you are writing about a healthy positive cycle that some people are able to achieve. There are many others (men and women) who (for various reasons) are drawn to people who have low self-esteem. This is part of an unhealthy, negative, often abusive cycle that many people are stuck in. This type of problem is very complex. Although positive thinking will be part of the solution, good therapy is usually required to help people out of situations like this.

]]> By: Shannon http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18845 Shannon Fri, 05 Jun 2009 19:54:00 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18845 Contrary to popular belief I think that there are more men out there who are more in tune with our needs than we think that they are. The problem is actually finding one like that for ourselves who has not already been snatched up by someone else! lol But seriously I do give a lot of credit to the notion that when we pay more attention to ourselves and our own needs then we will have an easier time finding a man who will respect that and be willing to be a part of that. I think that many men are drawn to women who have confidence and great self esteem and that in turn helps them to become better attuned to your needs and the things that they can do to help keep you happy and your relationship a strong one. Contrary to popular belief I think that there are more men out there who are more in tune with our needs than we think that they are. The problem is actually finding one like that for ourselves who has not already been snatched up by someone else! lol But seriously I do give a lot of credit to the notion that when we pay more attention to ourselves and our own needs then we will have an easier time finding a man who will respect that and be willing to be a part of that. I think that many men are drawn to women who have confidence and great self esteem and that in turn helps them to become better attuned to your needs and the things that they can do to help keep you happy and your relationship a strong one.

]]> By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18837 Anne Ream Fri, 05 Jun 2009 14:47:27 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18837 Hi Barbara, Thanks for adding to this blog. It sounds as if your husband is another man who was not taught that real men can't be emotional or sensitive. Wonderful! This type of man is helping our society become psychologically healthier every day! Hi Barbara, Thanks for adding to this blog. It sounds as if your husband is another man who was not taught that real men can’t be emotional or sensitive. Wonderful! This type of man is helping our society become psychologically healthier every day!

]]> By: Barbara http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18805 Barbara Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:02:06 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18805 My husband and I have been married for almost 45 years. He can complete sentences for me. I guess we have just had a lot of time to get to know one another and are still on the lookout for the best ways to meet the others needs. My husband and I have been married for almost 45 years. He can complete sentences for me. I guess we have just had a lot of time to get to know one another and are still on the lookout for the best ways to meet the others needs.

]]> By: Anne Ream http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18801 Anne Ream Thu, 04 Jun 2009 16:58:23 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18801 Thank-you, Janna, for this wonderful reply! Unfortunately, the feminism of the 60’s suggested that it was better for women to try to be like men, so they could be “equal”. Women tried to be more like men, rather than honoring the sensitive, emotional and empathetic way of being which is considered to be maternal. Another aspect of the problem has been our cultures refusal to respect and honor the type of work that involves intuition and emotions, such as motherhood, day care, etc., by not paying for it at all or paying as little as possible. I have learned how to find men who do honor those attributes and who try to get in touch with their emotions. This leads me to believe that we are not stagnating. The movement is slow and sure. I find that to be hopeful! Thank-you, Janna, for this wonderful reply! Unfortunately, the feminism of the 60’s suggested that it was better for women to try to be like men, so they could be “equal”. Women tried to be more like men, rather than honoring the sensitive, emotional and empathetic way of being which is considered to be maternal. Another aspect of the problem has been our cultures refusal to respect and honor the type of work that involves intuition and emotions, such as motherhood, day care, etc., by not paying for it at all or paying as little as possible. I have learned how to find men who do honor those attributes and who try to get in touch with their emotions. This leads me to believe that we are not stagnating. The movement is slow and sure. I find that to be hopeful!

]]> By: Janna Griggs, MFTI http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationships-attunement/comment-page-1/#comment-18767 Janna Griggs, MFTI Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:26:03 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=2301#comment-18767 I was particularly drawn to the paragraph that discusses becoming aware of our body and emotions, and how society teaches us to deny or ignore them, as well as the quote "To do this we must increase our self-awareness and understanding by recognizing the value of all our emotions. As we strengthen and deepen our respect for all our feelings, we can relax the hypervigilance it takes to prevent ourselves from feeling. Then we can become attuned to one another, increasing our ability to love". I was watching a movie with my boyfriend the other day and as I was crying and wooing over the romance of the story line, he had a blank look on his face and responded with "the movie was ok". It really hit me then that society has robbed us of our ability to really feel all of our emotions. While men are conditioned by society to ignore or minimize feelings of sadness, grief, romance, etc., women are conditioned to ignore or minimize other feelings, like anger. But you made the excellent point that being attuned to our own internal experiences is a prerequisite to being able to attune ourselves to others. So where does that leave us? In a state of stagnant communication fostered by a culturally-driven gender gap. I was particularly drawn to the paragraph that discusses becoming aware of our body and emotions, and how society teaches us to deny or ignore them, as well as the quote “To do this we must increase our self-awareness and understanding by recognizing the value of all our emotions. As we strengthen and deepen our respect for all our feelings, we can relax the hypervigilance it takes to prevent ourselves from feeling. Then we can become attuned to one another, increasing our ability to love”. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend the other day and as I was crying and wooing over the romance of the story line, he had a blank look on his face and responded with “the movie was ok”. It really hit me then that society has robbed us of our ability to really feel all of our emotions. While men are conditioned by society to ignore or minimize feelings of sadness, grief, romance, etc., women are conditioned to ignore or minimize other feelings, like anger. But you made the excellent point that being attuned to our own internal experiences is a prerequisite to being able to attune ourselves to others. So where does that leave us? In a state of stagnant communication fostered by a culturally-driven gender gap.

]]>