Relationships and Attunement
June 3rd, 2009 |
By Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC
Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Some years ago psychologists were pointing out the unrealistic expectation that some people have that their partners “should” be able to know what they want or “read their mind”. Indeed that is an unrealistic expectation and gradually we are learning the importance of speaking up and telling our partners what we need, want, feel or think. Being attuned to another person, however, is a vital skill for a good enough relationship.
Researchers report that nonverbal communication makes up between 80 to 93% of our communication process. Because nonverbal messages express emotions more genuinely, being attuned to others and ourselves results in more effective communication and better relationships. As relationships mature, we become more attuned to the nonverbal communication of our partner.
The ability to be attuned to others begins to develop when we are infants. If our caregivers are well attuned to us, understanding and responding appropriately to our nonverbal communications, we will learn how to be attuned to others, gradually, as we grow up. Attunement is a social skill that we learn best during early childhood. Unfortunately, that does not always happen. For instance, a mentally ill, depressed or alcoholic mother or father will not be able to be well attuned to her or his children. Their children will often grow up without being appropriately heard, understood or empathized with. Because of this, the children’s ability to recognize and understand their own emotions (self-awareness) will not develop well enough for them to recognize, understand and empathize with other’s emotions.
Many adults with poor self-awareness and attunement skills have difficulty recognizing the nonverbal communications of others. They misinterpret or confuse emotional sounds, often over or under reacting to another person’s nonverbal sounds such as a sigh, moan or groan. Some have negative responses to another person’s expression of sadness or pain. At times they feel disgusted by normal, healthy emotional reactions, because they misinterpret or feel uncomfortable with genuine emotional expressions.
This leads to many relationship problems. As two people get to know and understand one another better, it becomes important for them to become increasingly well attuned to each other. For instance, if one person is feeling some frustration, an attuned partner will be able to “read” the degree of frustration and may recognize why their partner is frustrated without their talking about it. This is helpful when two people are engaged in an important activity together, such as raising a child, and need to be able to support one another, quickly and nonverbally.
Being attuned to one’s partner is important for a satisfying sex relationship. Many people misread their partner’s sexual responses. Some do not talk with their partner about how they could improve their lovemaking skills. Many choose to read a book and make decisions about their partner from what they’ve read in a book or article. The best solution is to have an honest and open dialog with your partner concerning sexual likes and dislikes, while increasing your ability to read your partners signals by becoming increasingly well attuned to him or her.
Increasing self-awareness, or being attuned to ourselves, is the first step toward being able to be attuned to others. We can do this in the moment and from moment to moment. A great time to begin is now. Even as you read these words become aware of your body. First notice if you feel uncomfortable anywhere in your body. Send your awareness to that spot and continue to focus on that spot until it relaxes and feels more comfortable. Then, take a deep breath, feel it fill your diaphragm; allow your chest and abdomen to expand. Then let the breath go, feel it float out through your nose. Notice as your belly deflates. Continue to breathe this way as you scan your body, from your scalp to the tips of your toes, with your awareness. You can do this as slowly or quickly as you wish. Physical awareness is the first step toward increased self-awareness. Then you can pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Being mindful of yourself is being attuned to yourself. Psychological awareness is vital. Know what you are thinking and feeling. Be aware and accepting of all your feelings. Our patriarchal culture wants us to dissociate from the energy of our emotions, which results in an anxious attempt to deny them. If we know what we are feeling we can use the energy of those emotions to improve our relationship to others and ourselves. If we deny our own pain, it is more difficult to recognize the pain of others. The result is an increase in conflict.
To transfer this attunement to others, learn to listen with every fiber of every sense you have. Look at the other person and notice changes she or he exhibits in his or her affect. As you listen to him or her, listen for changes in tone of voice. As you increase your ability to be attuned to someone, two types of thinking that can interfere are projection and interpretation.
Projection occurs when a person throws his or her own ideas or impulses onto another person. We are usually not aware that we are doing this. However, a person with a high level of self-awareness will recognize when they are doing this, more quickly than the person with less self-awareness.
We interpret what others say or do often. As we try to take care of the needs of babies, for instance, we interpret; “If I were that baby I would be feeling hungry (cold, tired, bored).”
Interpretation can be a good thing to do with the right people at the right time. However, we do make mistakes. People who are better at attunement will be better at interpretation. If you can, it is better to ask someone what he or she is feeling or thinking, rather than interpreting. When you notice a change in someone’s affect or tone of voice, ask them about it. When you interpret the changes, you may make a mistake, or you may be projecting your own thoughts or feelings. This is especially true if you are just learning how to be an attuned person.
Judgment and criticism also interfere with attunement. When we judge the other person, we have stopped listening. Sometimes we judge or criticize the person we are relating to because we feel hurt or insecure. If we are not self-aware and do not recognize or accept those feelings, we become defensive. It is out of this defensiveness that we become judgmental or critical. This brings us back to the importance of self-awareness. When we recognize and accept those vulnerable feelings, we can take care of ourselves and ask the other person for what we really need. Doing this reduces defensive behaviors allowing us to increase our ability to be attuned to each other.
Good enough relationships involve two people who can allow themselves to be open to one another. To do this we must increase our self-awareness and understanding by recognizing the value of all our emotions. As we strengthen and deepen our respect for all our feelings, we can relax the hypervigilance it takes to prevent ourselves from feeling. Then we can become attuned to one another, increasing our ability to love.
©Copyright 2009 by Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
15 comments so far
I was particularly drawn to the paragraph that discusses becoming aware of our body and emotions, and how society teaches us to deny or ignore them, as well as the quote “To do this we must increase our self-awareness and understanding by recognizing the value of all our emotions. As we strengthen and deepen our respect for all our feelings, we can relax the hypervigilance it takes to prevent ourselves from feeling. Then we can become attuned to one another, increasing our ability to love”. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend the other day and as I was crying and wooing over the romance of the story line, he had a blank look on his face and responded with “the movie was ok”. It really hit me then that society has robbed us of our ability to really feel all of our emotions. While men are conditioned by society to ignore or minimize feelings of sadness, grief, romance, etc., women are conditioned to ignore or minimize other feelings, like anger. But you made the excellent point that being attuned to our own internal experiences is a prerequisite to being able to attune ourselves to others. So where does that leave us? In a state of stagnant communication fostered by a culturally-driven gender gap.
Thank-you, Janna, for this wonderful reply! Unfortunately, the feminism of the 60’s suggested that it was better for women to try to be like men, so they could be “equal”. Women tried to be more like men, rather than honoring the sensitive, emotional and empathetic way of being which is considered to be maternal. Another aspect of the problem has been our cultures refusal to respect and honor the type of work that involves intuition and emotions, such as motherhood, day care, etc., by not paying for it at all or paying as little as possible. I have learned how to find men who do honor those attributes and who try to get in touch with their emotions. This leads me to believe that we are not stagnating. The movement is slow and sure. I find that to be hopeful!
My husband and I have been married for almost 45 years. He can complete sentences for me. I guess we have just had a lot of time to get to know one another and are still on the lookout for the best ways to meet the others needs.
Hi Barbara, Thanks for adding to this blog. It sounds as if your husband is another man who was not taught that real men can’t be emotional or sensitive. Wonderful! This type of man is helping our society become psychologically healthier every day!
Contrary to popular belief I think that there are more men out there who are more in tune with our needs than we think that they are. The problem is actually finding one like that for ourselves who has not already been snatched up by someone else! lol But seriously I do give a lot of credit to the notion that when we pay more attention to ourselves and our own needs then we will have an easier time finding a man who will respect that and be willing to be a part of that. I think that many men are drawn to women who have confidence and great self esteem and that in turn helps them to become better attuned to your needs and the things that they can do to help keep you happy and your relationship a strong one.
Hi Shannon,
This is a wonderful, positive response! I prefer not to talk about “popular belief” unless I have statistics to back up my perception of what “popular belief” is. I am not sure how another person can be “more in tune with our needs then we think they are”. If an individual is in tune with his or her needs, he or she knows when another person is not attuned to them. When you write, “many men are drawn to women who have confidence and great self-esteem”, you are writing about a healthy positive cycle that some people are able to achieve. There are many others (men and women) who (for various reasons) are drawn to people who have low self-esteem. This is part of an unhealthy, negative, often abusive cycle that many people are stuck in. This type of problem is very complex. Although positive thinking will be part of the solution, good therapy is usually required to help people out of situations like this.
Sometimes I find when I do ask what is wrong, Idon’t always get and answer, especially from my son. He likes to stay to himself in his room, on the computer. I ask, everyting ok? he says yeah, if i ask any questions, it’s always a yes or no or a short answer. I am trying to read him better, but sometimes I feel I may read him wrong and he is happy and content just being at home on his computer instead of getting out.
Hi Tawnee,
Yes, this can be a problem with children. The degree to which it is a problem depends on many circumstances like age, gender, social situation, etc. Unfortunately our society continues to socialize boys to be less aware of their feelings. I believe its a good thing that you are making the effort. Self-awareness is a learned social skill. He may surprise you someday by telling you something important! Many parents are finding it helpful to limit the amount of time their child spends on the computer. If you choose to do this, be prepared, he may feel and act out some anger at first.
There have been times when I think I have angered my wife by knowing the things she is going to do or say before she even does them. I think that to her I am not intuiting what she will do but what I THINK she will do and she takes major offense to that. So while I really am trying to be more in tune with her sometimes I have to just back off and let her get it out because I fear I am stepping on her toes by actually knowing her too well!
Like Tawnee’s son, My husband is also one who would rather hang out at home, while I love to go out and be around people. This used to cause friction in our marriage. One day while reading “The Missing Link” by Drs. Richard & Phyllis Arno it was like a light bulb went on…. Our personalities are different and that is ok. Now, I not only understand why he is the way he is and why I am the way I am, and how to intertwine these two personalities together for a happy marriage. I am happier than I have ever been. We have been able to meet in the middle- Thank God for the Arnos!
Carter maybe your wife gets angry not because she thinks you know her too well but that you make presumptions about her behavior? Maybe she sees this as being that you think she is predictable instead of you being attuned to her feelings.
Hello Carter,
Thanks for the wonderful addition to the variety of replies! You are a wonderful example of a well attuned partner!
Hi Becky,
That sounds like an excellent book! And I agree with the authors. There is nothing wrong with being the kind of person who is a “homebody”. I can certainly identify with that. For many adolescents and parents there may be a problem with spending too much time on the computer. That is a diffeent concern. Wow, people are so complex! I love it!
Kirsten,
I appreciate your use of the word “maybe” in your reply to Carter. A great deal of information is not evident through a blog. It’s too easy to project our own issues onto another person!
Hey guys thanks for the support here. I expected to be crucified and villified.
Hello again Carter,
No vilification here! We need many more men like you, and some others I know, all of who are trying to be attuned. And, its true that when we try to be attuned, we will make mistakes. That’s very real, and to be expected. Just try again, do not give up. Again, thanks for writing!