Comments on: Relationships and Vulnerability

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Thu, 28 May 2009 20:53:25 +0000

Hi Chelsea, Yes, we are all totally vulnerable as infants. If an infant does not receive good enough attachment parenting he or she will, indeed, have committment or affection issues. Its very sad, and people can work through these issues in good therapy. If they don’t they may pass their problems on to their children.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Thu, 28 May 2009 11:33:35 +0000

Hi Bethany,

Exactly!

By: Bethany

Bethany — Wed, 27 May 2009 21:21:00 +0000

If you can’t open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt then there is no way you will ever experience and find true love.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:25:32 +0000

Hi Maddie,

Thanks for your response. I’m impressed with the responses this article has received. When we are healthy children we trust automatically. If something happens to us, like Roy’s daughter, we naturally build defensiveness and distrust. Then we have to learn how to trust and be vulnerable again, on a different level and in a different way. However we get there, vulnerability is important, for healthy relationships and relationships are important for a healthy life. Balance is the key.

By: Chelsea

Chelsea — Wed, 27 May 2009 10:53:23 +0000

I’m sure we have all been vulnerable at one time or another. It’s kinda hard not to be. Maybe that is why so many people have commitment or affection issues.

By: Maddie

Maddie — Tue, 26 May 2009 10:52:09 +0000

I do believe in what Anne said. Accepting and trusting people slowly is the best. I have learned that the hard way and promised myself that I would never trust anyone too fast.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Mon, 25 May 2009 16:27:18 +0000

Hi Roy, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and father. And I’m sure that your father is “a decent, caring human being”. A quote I keep in mind to help me understand this kind of thing is, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Its more than likely that your father was also abused. Abusive behaviors are usually learned. I hope that you and your wife will go with your daughter to a good therapist. Many, many people are working long hours today, at their children’s expense. I believe there are two good solutions; well trained and appropriately paid child care professionals; a value system that places relationships before money. Our children are our future.

By: Roy

Roy — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:01:45 +0000

I recently learned that my dad was abusing my daughter. My wife and I work very long hours and we were so glad when my parents volunteered to help with managing our home and our child. I dont know how to right this wrong done to my child’s vulnerability. What makes things very difficult is that my dad is not someone you can call a bad guy. He is basically a decent, caring, human being.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:48:38 +0000

Hi Aubrey, Yes, I agree that we need at least one person we can be genuinely open and honest with, to feel connected. And that person needs to be someone who is trustworthy. Sometimes we have to go to a good therapist, for awhile, to learn about trustworthy people. Unfortunately many of us were raised in a family system that was not trustworthy.

Caroline, it’s never too late to learn new tricks!! Keep on trucking!

Sue, Sometimes slow progress is best. Remember the tortise and the hare. Building enough trust in another person takes time. Give that to youself. You probably deserve it!

By: Sue

Sue — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:22:30 +0000

I hate being vulnerable but it seems like I always end up being that way. I’m not the type to open up at first or very easily, even when I want to. It’s a slow progress

By: Caroline

Caroline — Sat, 23 May 2009 12:29:14 +0000

Thanks for the encouragement Anne. I think I am like an old dog trying really hard to learn some new tricks and I will not say that it has been easy. But I know that overall my life will be better for it in the future and that is what I am shooting for.

By: Aubrey

Aubrey — Sat, 23 May 2009 11:21:06 +0000

Maybe this is why I don’t totally feel connected or really really close to any one person, because I don’t come out and just let everything out and let everything be known about me. I have friends but not a really close friend that I can tell anything to.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Fri, 22 May 2009 17:58:16 +0000

Jaden, I agree that its possible to be too open. If another person is likely to use information to hurt us, its better to keep that information to ourselves. Then, I wonder, why would a person want to do that? Is there some kind of conflict going on that needs resolution? Would a resolution help to allow both people be more vulnerable?

Caroline, it sounds as if you are working on a healthy goal. In the end its all about balance…not too much, not too little. Trust is vital for healthy relationships and trust needs to be thoughtfully cultivated between two people. It can be done!

By: Caroline

Caroline — Fri, 22 May 2009 11:48:26 +0000

I guess I am the sort of person who guards too much, never lets down those protective walls, and then never has anyone close to me in the end. Reading this has opened my eyes so to speak and given me some motivation to change because I hdo not want to continue going through my life alone and I know that is exactly what is going to happen if I do not make some changes soon.

By: Jaden

Jaden — Fri, 22 May 2009 09:50:39 +0000

I think being a very open book is not a good thing. Sometimes even with the people we totally trust or love we cant let our guard down at all times. For instance, I think my wife knows almost everything about me. But it’s just that – almost.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:17:43 +0000

Learning who to let our guarde down with and when to do so are important. They are part of the lifelong process of self development. The work you have done will help you in the future!

By: Lori

Lori — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:07:46 +0000

I believe i am in between. I’ve let my guard down before and felt as if got backstabbed by someone i considered a friend. It’s hard to let that shield down once that happens. I am just learning to decided when I let myself become vulnerable

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Thu, 21 May 2009 15:47:45 +0000

WOW! What a wonderful series of comments! Thank-you for sharing. Indeed its the very attempt to prevent ourselves from feeling hurt that can result in an increase of anxiety and defensive behaviors that make more problems in relationships. We need all of our feelings, safe ways to cope with them and safe people to share them with.

Thanks again!

By: Ellen

Ellen — Thu, 21 May 2009 12:09:35 +0000

Hmmm.. I tend to be vulnerable many times, but I learn who i can trust and who I can’t. If you don’t feel, what’s the point. I would rather have emotions and feelings being vulnerable than not have any emotions ata all.

By: Meg

Meg — Thu, 21 May 2009 11:44:53 +0000

There have been times in the past where i have allowed my vulnerability to get the best of me and I wound up getting hurt big time. So for a long time I really did close myself off hoping that I would not get hurt so much. But that just ended up backfiring too. Because I turned all of my hurt into anger and that ended up not only being horrible for me but for my friends too. I guess I have finally realized that you just have to trust and believe that one day you will be surrounded by people who will love you no matter what and that getting hurt from time to time is all just a part of the game of life. It stinks but that is the truth.