Relationships and Vulnerability
May 20th, 2009 |
By Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC
Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Vulnerability, even thinking about it can be frightening to some people. Actually, a person must be strong to allow herself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability allows others to know us, who we genuinely are. Vulnerability allows negotiation. It allows an opening between conflicting needs.
Unfortunately, many people have been raised from the time they are young to deny their vulnerability. Many were raised by parents who could not be vulnerable. Many parents believe their children’s misbehaviors are directed at them and become angry and defensive in their parenting behaviors. When children are raised by defensive parents, they learn how to be defensive. Adults who are on the defensive cannot allow themselves to be open and vulnerable enough to relate to another adult.
Being vulnerable is being open. To love others, one must be open. When we are open, we allow our hearts to feel. When our heart is open to feeling love, it will also feel pain when love is withdrawn.
Vulnerability is part of process of empathy. To empathize with someone we need to be able to feel them, to know what they are feeling. This is part of good enough relationships. Being open allows us to be affected by one another and is vital to connection. When we allow ourselves to be hurt and feel pain, we are much more likely to recognize another’s pain. Sensitivity is important in this context. Sensitivity to ourselves and others. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we understand humility. We recognize and know inherent equality.
Often, highly defended people have been so deeply hurt, they can no longer allow themselves to be vulnerable. Some may have been raised in a situation where everyone was defensive. Many who are highly defensive also become grandiose. Grandiosity, needing to believe we are somehow bigger, better, more important than we are, is an illusion. A sad illusion built on unrecognized and acknowledged pain.
When we allow ourselves to feel our pain, and work through it, we learn important lessons about ourselves and others. Our ability to empathize with others who are in pain, increases and we become better able to help them. We can be genuinely helpful when we can hear others. Only when we can fully listen to others, with every fiber of all our senses, can we be helpful to them. Respect involves listening.
Being attuned to others requires us to be vulnerable. We need to be able to allow the other to have control. We need to listen and empathize. Our ability to do that is built on our having felt and worked through our pain. Tempering a sword involves putting it into a fire and hammering it. A tempered individual is a vulnerable one. One who has allowed herself to go through her pain and healing process. As Marcel Proust said, “One heals suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”
©Copyright 2009 by Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
23 comments so far
in thius worls as soon as you let your guard down you can pay a price. people are cruel.
Yes, I agree with you. At times we pay a price for letting our guard down and sometimes people can be cruel. Or angry or defensive. Its important to pick the people you feel safe with. Pick the people with whom you can let your guard down. We all need a few people we feel safe with; people we can be vulnerable with. Sad feelings are normal and its healthy to have someone we can express them to.
I used to be very defensive when I got married. I realised that when my husband told me 2 years later during an argument that I was always waiting to find fault with him to get back to my shell where he could never penetrate. I realized that to be true as I was always defensive and as a result offensive. I took therapy for the same and it all dated back to watching my dad get defensive with my mom over everything. I had simply let it in like a sponge. Two very bad relationships prior to my marriage had also taken its toll. Today I thank my doctor and my husband for helping me discover, the good side of me and people, by keeping my windows open.
There have been times in the past where i have allowed my vulnerability to get the best of me and I wound up getting hurt big time. So for a long time I really did close myself off hoping that I would not get hurt so much. But that just ended up backfiring too. Because I turned all of my hurt into anger and that ended up not only being horrible for me but for my friends too. I guess I have finally realized that you just have to trust and believe that one day you will be surrounded by people who will love you no matter what and that getting hurt from time to time is all just a part of the game of life. It stinks but that is the truth.
Hmmm.. I tend to be vulnerable many times, but I learn who i can trust and who I can’t. If you don’t feel, what’s the point. I would rather have emotions and feelings being vulnerable than not have any emotions ata all.
WOW! What a wonderful series of comments! Thank-you for sharing. Indeed its the very attempt to prevent ourselves from feeling hurt that can result in an increase of anxiety and defensive behaviors that make more problems in relationships. We need all of our feelings, safe ways to cope with them and safe people to share them with.
Thanks again!
I believe i am in between. I’ve let my guard down before and felt as if got backstabbed by someone i considered a friend. It’s hard to let that shield down once that happens. I am just learning to decided when I let myself become vulnerable
Learning who to let our guarde down with and when to do so are important. They are part of the lifelong process of self development. The work you have done will help you in the future!
I think being a very open book is not a good thing. Sometimes even with the people we totally trust or love we cant let our guard down at all times. For instance, I think my wife knows almost everything about me. But it’s just that – almost.
I guess I am the sort of person who guards too much, never lets down those protective walls, and then never has anyone close to me in the end. Reading this has opened my eyes so to speak and given me some motivation to change because I hdo not want to continue going through my life alone and I know that is exactly what is going to happen if I do not make some changes soon.
Jaden, I agree that its possible to be too open. If another person is likely to use information to hurt us, its better to keep that information to ourselves. Then, I wonder, why would a person want to do that? Is there some kind of conflict going on that needs resolution? Would a resolution help to allow both people be more vulnerable?
Caroline, it sounds as if you are working on a healthy goal. In the end its all about balance…not too much, not too little. Trust is vital for healthy relationships and trust needs to be thoughtfully cultivated between two people. It can be done!
Maybe this is why I don’t totally feel connected or really really close to any one person, because I don’t come out and just let everything out and let everything be known about me. I have friends but not a really close friend that I can tell anything to.
Thanks for the encouragement Anne. I think I am like an old dog trying really hard to learn some new tricks and I will not say that it has been easy. But I know that overall my life will be better for it in the future and that is what I am shooting for.
I hate being vulnerable but it seems like I always end up being that way. I’m not the type to open up at first or very easily, even when I want to. It’s a slow progress
Hi Aubrey, Yes, I agree that we need at least one person we can be genuinely open and honest with, to feel connected. And that person needs to be someone who is trustworthy. Sometimes we have to go to a good therapist, for awhile, to learn about trustworthy people. Unfortunately many of us were raised in a family system that was not trustworthy.
Caroline, it’s never too late to learn new tricks!! Keep on trucking!
Sue, Sometimes slow progress is best. Remember the tortise and the hare. Building enough trust in another person takes time. Give that to youself. You probably deserve it!
I recently learned that my dad was abusing my daughter. My wife and I work very long hours and we were so glad when my parents volunteered to help with managing our home and our child. I dont know how to right this wrong done to my child’s vulnerability. What makes things very difficult is that my dad is not someone you can call a bad guy. He is basically a decent, caring, human being.
Hi Roy, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and father. And I’m sure that your father is “a decent, caring human being”. A quote I keep in mind to help me understand this kind of thing is, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Its more than likely that your father was also abused. Abusive behaviors are usually learned. I hope that you and your wife will go with your daughter to a good therapist. Many, many people are working long hours today, at their children’s expense. I believe there are two good solutions; well trained and appropriately paid child care professionals; a value system that places relationships before money. Our children are our future.
I do believe in what Anne said. Accepting and trusting people slowly is the best. I have learned that the hard way and promised myself that I would never trust anyone too fast.
I’m sure we have all been vulnerable at one time or another. It’s kinda hard not to be. Maybe that is why so many people have commitment or affection issues.
Hi Maddie,
Thanks for your response. I’m impressed with the responses this article has received. When we are healthy children we trust automatically. If something happens to us, like Roy’s daughter, we naturally build defensiveness and distrust. Then we have to learn how to trust and be vulnerable again, on a different level and in a different way. However we get there, vulnerability is important, for healthy relationships and relationships are important for a healthy life. Balance is the key.
If you can’t open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt then there is no way you will ever experience and find true love.
Hi Bethany,
Exactly!
Hi Chelsea, Yes, we are all totally vulnerable as infants. If an infant does not receive good enough attachment parenting he or she will, indeed, have committment or affection issues. Its very sad, and people can work through these issues in good therapy. If they don’t they may pass their problems on to their children.