Relationships and Trust
July 28th, 2009 |
Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Trust is essential for a good enough relationship. It is possible to be naïve and trust someone too much while at the other end of the continuum is not being able to trust someone. Building trust in a relationship with a partner is a process that takes time.
Most of us learn to trust in others during our formative years. Our beloved parent leaves, then returns; the repetition of this experience helps us build trust that we will be taken care of, and that we are lovable and loved. Our parents scold us when we make a mistake, then give us a hug to reassure us that we are loved even though we make mistakes. It is during those early years that we learn that we are lovable and build the self-esteem we need for our adult years. When we have a strong sense of self-esteem and know that we are lovable, trusting others comes in a natural, easy manner.
Two basic truths concerning trust are: (1) most people will do whatever they believe they need to do, in the moment, to take care of themselves; (2) each individual must trust him or herself to take care of him or herself.
Research has shown that most people who have affairs do so because they are looking for love. Being part of a good enough relationship is part of self-care, and helps us build positive self-esteem. If we become aware that we are in a relationship that is hurtful and damaging to our self-esteem, we will be tempted to become engaged in a relationship with someone else when the opportunity presents itself.
Building a good enough relationship that has deep trust, involves self-awareness and the ability to confront oneself to mature. When we can confront ourselves and consciously change a personality characteristic we believe we need to change, we feel better about ourselves. We now know that none of us can change another person, the only person we can change is ourselves. If a relationship is important to each individual they will both work to change, grow and mature into the person who fits well with their partner.
Behaviors such as lying, cheating, stealing, addictions usually come from people who have deep psychological wounds that need attention. People who exhibit these behaviors can change when they choose to do so, for themselves.
Jealousy, or a lack of trust, is the result of one partner feeling insecure. This may be due to the individual having had an insecure attachment during his or her early childhood. It may also be due to low self-esteem. Another cause of this could be that his or her partner is not trustworthy. If the partner does not have good enough self-esteem, he or she may flirt with others in an attempt to feel better. Their partner then, clearly, has good reason for not trusting them.
Part of building a good enough, trusting relationship involves power. In every relationship power will rest with the person who has a better understanding of a particular area. For instance, a man who knows more about business than his wife, will have more power than she does in that area. A woman who knows more about child psychology than her husband, will have more power in that area. The problem begins when one person, (who may have low self-esteem), feels they must have power in all areas of the relationship. They will often manipulate their partner to believe in them, sometimes using very subtle techniques. This kind of behavior erodes trust. Their partner or will often sense that something is wrong, yet be unable to explain what it is or why they feel this way. People who have this problem may have narcissistic personality disorder. This problem is also due to deep psychological wounds. People who have this problem are highly judgmental and critical of others. They use their judgments and criticisms to feel better about themselves. An individual with true positive, healthy self-esteem does not need to think he or she is better than others to feel good about him or herself. A good enough, trusting relationship is built with a spirit of cooperation, not competition, control or power.
Building a good enough, trusting relationship takes time, and self-awareness. It involves two people who recognize and understand the value of a good enough relationship. Both people need to be able to confront themselves to mature and grow to be closer to their partner. If one person needs to have most of the power in the relationship, the relationship will probably fail. If one person needs to use the relationship to feel better about him or herself, the relationship will most likely fail. Any individual who is building a relationship needs to ask themselves questions about why they want to be involved with this individual. It is only when an individual can trust his or her own good judgment that he or she can build a lasting, trusting relationship.
©Copyright 2009 by Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
13 comments so far
i’ve heard others also claim that men have affairs because “they’re looking for love in all the wrong places.” sure some might be, but i just don’t buy the idea that most men are doing this. i don’t think most women will ever understand the physical sexual desires of men. it doesn’t need to be about love for most men, and most of the time it’s not. men have affairs mostly because they have sexual cravings not being satisfied at home, period.
I dont think “men” are the only ones having affairs. I truly the feel the bigger problem lies in attention seeking. Women can quite a handful on that one. It takes the steam out of guys to be able to keep up the tempo. It leads to frustration, eventually boredom and voila there he is trying to find himself a fling. Women sniff that a little way down the line, bitch about it and get even by going out and starting an affair too. The only difference is a man rarely gets emotionally tangled with his fling. I cant say that for sure about us dames!!
My spouse and I recently or rather still are going through a situation like this and although I still love him there is absolutely no trust left there at all. I am having a hard time even determining whether or not I can ever get that back, even though our marriage counselor still says that she feels like there is still love there between us. It still feels like everything that I ever believed about the two of us and what we had together has been shattered by these turn of events and I am struggling to get my life back together again. Yeah I guess when it boils down to it we were in a relationship that I thought was good enough but in the end that did not turn out to be the case. Now I am always not only second guessing every move that I make but his every action as well and I hate that feeling of anger and suspicion that I think follows me around all of the time.
“If the partner does not have good enough self-esteem, he or she may flirt with others in an attempt to feel better.” That is the opposite of what I believe. All the flirts I know are brimming with self confidence. On the outside, anyway.
Men will never get that women need to feel desired and loved before they can feel sexual, will they?
A man comes in from work, stuffs his dinner down and flops down in front of the TV until bedtime without so much as a “how are you?”. Can you blame his wife when she doesn’t feel romantically inclined?
A day spent running around and cleaning up after kids doesn’t make you feel special. A husband who pays some attention to you when he comes home does.
Yolanda, you said it girl. I listen to guys who treat their wives like crap whine how she’s not the same woman he married. Look in the mirror, pal! Are you the same guy who would do anything to please her that you were when you were dating?
If you make your wife feel like the hired help instead of your lover and friend don’t complain when she’s frigid towards you. Talk to her about how she’s doing and LISTEN to her. It’s the most erotic thing you can do. Sexual desire starts in the head with romantic gestures and words for most women, not below the waist. Get it? Good.
I’m in a relationship with a man who has been unfaithful in his 3 previous marriages. He says he’s changed but I find myself snooping in his emails and other on line forums obviously because I don’t trust him completely. It makes me feel demeaned to do that but I have found attempts at infidelity, though no actual infidelity that I know of. Is it naive of me to think that he has and will remain faithful? Should I continue to snoop or should I not lower myself to that level? I’ve told him I snooped in the past and confronted him with what I found. We discussed the issues and I’ve tried to move on but the attempts still haunt me. We have a great sex life and we love each other but obviously that’s not always enough. I want to feel safe in our relationship when we’re apart.
Crystal don’t waste your time snooping any more and tormenting yourself with what you found so far. Ask him outright to explain it. So what if you snooped to find the proof? It was a means to an end. Your fears were realized. Now you have to confront him and sort it out. That’s what happens when you snoop. You can’t put back what you find. If you want to feel safe, don’t go looking for reasons not to.
Trust is one thing that is so tough to build and yet so easy to tear down. Why is that, and why is it that some people are so inclined to continuously tear things apart when they know just how hard it will be to rebuild it all over again? I just don’t get the selfishness sometimes.
Harriet – I did confront him and admitted to my snooping. He did explain it – “closure on an old relationship” lame; admitted it was wrong to attempt the infidelity and said it wouldn’t happen again. Yet later he put himself in a situation where I’m sure he was hoping it would happen, though again, I don’t believe it did. It just makes it difficult to trust him and it makes me feel like I’m inadequate because he always appears to be searching. I refuse to be attached at the hip to prevent it from happening. I want to trust him. I’ve suggested couseling; he’s not interested. Perhaps I’ll just go on my own and decide how much of a make or break issue trust is for me.
I really don’t believe he has ever actually commited an infidelity and other than trust we have a great relationship. He’s generous, appreciative, always makes effort to meet my needs – (as do I his) but there’s always the trust issue weighing in the back of my mind.
Unfortunately, I was not notified about this article being published or about all the replies it’s received. I apologize that I have been unable to respond to all of you. My experience is that, perhaps because many men have been socalized to believe they are less emotional, men do not talk about their feelings as much as women do and are less aware of their feelings. The result is that we do not have as clear an understanding of the masculine psych as we need. I have been fortunate to know some very emotionally aware men. This leads me to believe that men and women are a lot more similar than previous researchers believed. When we raise our sons to be emotionally aware and sensitive, as well as to have heathy self esteem…they are able to be loving and trustworthy.
Really great post. I quite like the thought and appreciate it. Very inspirational and motivating. Thanks for such great post.
You are more than welcome! I so enjoy thinking about the human psyche….we human beings are fascinating!