Relationships and Emotional Styles
April 15th, 2009 |
By Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC
Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
“Opposites attract” is an old quotation that has validity. People are often attracted to a partner whose emotional style differs from their own.
What is an emotional style? Personality can describe emotional style. Introverted or extroverted is one good example. Highly expressive of emotions or highly reserved is another example. Our emotional style is the result of our genetic inheritance and how our parents attached to us when we were infants. Given enough time and appropriate help we can change our emotional style if we choose.
Having an individual emotional style is fine unless a person begins to have difficulty with relationships. Relationships are vital for a fulfilling and healthy life. When an individual has difficulty developing healthy relationships, she could consider what might be going on within themselves that results in this difficulty.
At times, the problem can be the result of two people having very different emotional styles. However, since opposites do attract, it’s important for each partner to ask themselves, “I felt attracted to this person because they were so expressive (or reserved), now I feel disgusted by it, why?” The resulting answer may be to blame the other person and abdicate personal responsibility. Unfortunately blame is often what happens; one partner is perceived as, “the problem,” and that person is selected to go to therapy.
When one person gets help, they often outgrow the partner who decided they were the problem. That can be the beginning of the end of the relationship. If only one person gets help and grows, while the other remains the same, the relationship becomes unbalanced. The growing partner may feel increasingly frustrated by the stagnant partner and leave the relationship.
When both people get help, the relationship has a much better chance of surviving. When both get help, the person who is highly expressive can learn how to become more reserved, while the highly reserved person can learn how to be more expressive. Both people can work toward balancing their emotional style within themselves so they can relate to their partner using a balanced emotional style.
If one person finds that they are having continuing difficulty with relationships, they need to take a more careful look at themselves. This person needs to ask questions such as, “Why do I keep getting involved in these dysfunctional relationships?” This individual needs to take a close look at their own issues and work on them.
Differences in emotional style can be appealing, we are often attracted to someone who is quite different from us. The ability to respect and honor those differences, rather than criticizing them, is vital if the relationship is to survive and grow deeper and stronger. Every personality characteristic has its strengths and weaknesses. Respect for and appreciation of the positive aspect of a personality characteristic is vital. Being judgmental of or expressing disgust for the negative feature of that personality characteristic may result in the individual feeling hurt, confused and insecure in the relationship. Empathy and sensitivity are vital for the life of a decent relationship.
When a relationship is in its beginning stages, it is tempting to idealize the person we feel attracted to. Unfortunately, this can be highly misleading for everyone involved. No one is perfect, every one has many flaws.
When we are attracted to someone because they have a personality characteristic that is opposite ours, it is helpful to recognize that we do have that characteristic within ourselves. We may not have found it yet, we may not have learned how to use it yet, but it is there.
A persons emotional growth is their responsibility. If one partner suggests that the other partner is “the problem” and must get help, their part of the problem is missing. A relationship problem rests on two sets of shoulders, in two minds and hearts. If a relationship is going to grow beyond a problem, each partner must work on themselves. Each partner must remember the positive aspects of their partner’s emotional style and find that within themselves. If the partner with a reserved emotional style can find the expressive aspect of themselves, they can use it to help themselves become more balanced. The partner with the expressive style can find the reserved part of themselves to become more balanced.
Opposites attract then repel one another. It is working through the more difficult times of the relationship that helps us grow.
©Copyright 2009 by Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
14 comments so far
My husband and I are very different. He is super laid back and I am more of a stress ball. But it works for us.
Hi Nancy,
I love the idea of being a “stress ball”! A ball of stress? So you two are a good example of how opposites can balance each other out. Its wonderful that you are able to make it work for you!
That never seems to work for me. I feel like if I had someone so different from me I would kill him!
Hi Liza,
Thanks for the humor!! I appreciate it and your high level of self awareness. The better we know ourselves the more thoughtful we can be when we make choices concerning a mate.
When my partner and I first got together we were at the same place in our lives. Single, liked the party scene, crazy work hours. But I have finished school now and am ready to settle down and start a more grown up life but she is just not there. Will she ever get there? I don’t know. So now it feels like not only do we have different emotional styles but also a completely different outlook on what we want in a relationship and I am really not too sure that we are strong enough to survive those kinds of differences. I never really believed it when my dad and mom would tell me that you would know it when the right person came along. . . but now I am thinking they were right and I not sure that the rela ionship that I am in now is going to be that one.
Hi Tonni,
It sounds as if you are working hard to figure this out. It is true that sometimes one person outgrows the other and finds it neccessary to move on. Occassionaly the person left behind will then try to catch up. Others find someone else more like themselves and settle in with them. The most important thing for you to do is what you believe is best for you, now. I wish you well!
But how long do I have to wait for her to catch up to where I am? In some ways I feel that is being unfair to her and who she is, expecting her to make these choices that she may not be ready for yet but I am scared that if she does not then we will lose each other anyway.
Hi Tonni,
That’s a good (and difficult) question that only you can answer. Always keep in mind that it really does take two to make or break a relationship. How do you know when you are being so “fair” to the other person that you have crossed a line and are being unfair to yourself? There are times in everyone’s life when talking with a good therapist can help. Sometimes its difficult to see the trees because you are the forest. A good therapist can listen so carefully she or he can recognize the thoughts and feelings that you are more emphatic about and will point them out to you. She or he will not make this type of decision for you ; she or he will facilitate your process in a manner that helps you make the decision that is best for you.
Easier said than done. I think we all settle into relationships and find that we abhor what we attracted us in the first place. I hate my spouse’s non stop yacking and her constant picking on me. She hates my disorganised nature and my straight-forwardness. Everyone tells me we need time. How do we find the time with hardly anytime for togetherness.
Hi Keith, You’re right, it is easier to talk about it than do it. And time has become hard for most of us to find. We almost have to give something (a few things?) up in order to make the time for togetherness. Even then, its how we use that time together that makes the difference. Relationships that work better, have more positive than negative interactions. That takes two people intentionally thinking and planning together to make it happen. And, sometimes, a few visits to a good therapist can be helpful.
Kevin have u ever wondered if your wife has been yelling to catch your attention. Sometimes women do that to get a response from a man to know if he cares or not. Most women feel after a while into a relationship, that the man they love has stopped caring and has built an impenetrable wall around him. No tears, yelling, talking or ignoring can get past that wall.
Hi Donna,
I have two thoughts; One is that when we read a comment its important that we try not to interpret that persons comments through our own experiences. After all, every story has many possibilities. My second thought is that anyone who resonates with your comment, read the article titled “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson on the Psychology Today website.
Hello Anne,
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for over a year now, but things have been going downhill lately.
I’m the “highly reserved” type. We both hate it, but don’t know what to do about it.
I can’t express emotions through WORDS, no matter how hard I try. I need to open up more & not fear being “exposed”. But I dunno how, or why I am like that in the first place.
Hi Tara,
Sorry it has taken me this long to reply. I would suggest that you work with a creative arts therapist for awhile. This could be dance, music, psychodrama or art therapy. This type of therapy can be a lot of fun and help a person to loosen up! Good Luck!