Bring Back the Spark in Your Relationship
February 3rd, 2009 |
By Mona Barbera, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Mona and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
You may have a good relationship – but miss the spark that was once there. Maybe job, kids, or financial stress has come between you, or you’ve settled into a routine. You can do a lot to get the spark back.
First of all, resolve to look at your part of it. Try an experiment, and own 100% of the problem. 50-50 doesn’t work very well – someone has to take the lead.
Built-up resentment is the first main cause of distance in couple relationships.
Do you have old resentments piled up inside? Are you resentful of things that keep happening?
Do you think your mate is to blame for what happened? Do you hear yourself thinking critical thoughts about him or her? Are you convinced that your mate is at fault? Have you decided that you need to be distant to protect yourself?
If you answered yes to any of the above, respect your feelings. Don’t try to fight them. Just listen in, like you were listening to someone who needed a friend to understand.
See if you can understand how some of your criticism and blame could be related to your own past. Does your partner’s behavior remind you of how other people have failed you?
Now you can do something about this. Be honest with your partner about your resentments – with no blame or shame. Share your feelings without being convinced it’s his or her fault. Instead of being convinced, be curious about yourself and your partner.
You may have the best conversation you ever had.
Avoiding difficult conversations out of fear is the second main cause of distance in couple relationships.
Listen to your fears. If you brought up important issues, are you afraid your mate would get angry? Depressed? Leave you?
Listen to your fears with kindness and love. They are there for a reason. See if you start to make connections about how your fears have to do with your own life.
Once you can own your fears as your own, you won’t have to be afraid of what your partner does when you bring up difficult issues. You’ll feel free and honest, and you’ll be able to stay calm and connected even if he or she does get upset at first.
The third main cause of distant relationships is that the spark was never there to begin with.
But you may be able to find it for the first time.
Be honest with yourself – did you choose your mate because he or she was safe? Because you thought you’d get security? Ask yourself these questions:
1. Is this really about me? Am I doing anything that is keeping us in safe, secure, rut?
2. What am I afraid would happen if I had more excitement in my relationship?
See if you can face your own fears. Maybe there is some experiment you can make to see if you can do something different. You may be surprised at how your mate responds. He or she may be more exciting than you thought!
©Copyright 2008 by Mona Barbera, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mona and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
10 comments so far
My husband and I used to have a great relationship before the kids came along and ever since then things seem to have gotten a little out of control. Don’t get me wrong we still love one another and I know the spark is still there because the once in a blue moon chance that we have to be alone it feels so nice! But we have been like so many other parents out there and have allowed our kids to take top billing which has basically shoved our marriage if not into the backseat, maybe into the trunk! I mean our kids take up all of our time, and it is more than just our own. There are always neighborhood kids coming over to hang out with ours too- which is fine we always wanted to be the house where all of the kids can feel safe and comfy but we never have any time to ourselves! What’s worse is that when we do take the time to even try to make that time then I feel guilty like we are depriving the kids with time that they need for their parents. We need a date night in the worst way but never have the money to pay a babysitter and go out to dinner too so usually the kids all come along. How do I stop this and reclaim the marriage that once was ours?
My wife and I are currently under a lot of pressure because I have lost my job and she is a stay at home mom who will not even consider the idea of going back to work to help make ends meet. I have so much anger in me that is building. I already do not feel good about the situation and her refusal to help out is making it even worse. I do not even know how to express to her just how disappointed I am in her right now. Needless to say there is little spark in my house right now.
Do you ever wonder if something like an inexpensive little weekend getaway could be what you need to bring back some of the romance? Or how about sitting down with a counselor or friend to talk some of it through?
This may be a little off track here but I was unsure where to post. I just found out today that my husband has been downloading porn onto his computer at work and as a result he has now lost his job. I had been thinking of all kinds of creative ways to put some spark back into our marriage but now I guess I see the reasons why I even thought this was necessary. Why do men do this? Is it to add spark to something that is missing for them? I am devastated that this has happened to me and my daughter and really do not know where else to turn to even find the answers. I need someone to talk to about it but I feel ashamed and embarassed and because our insurance is so tied into his job I cannot even seek professional help with the questions that I have. Does anyone have any resources here that you know about which could help me to understand? I just found out today and already I am going out of my mind.
Allison I am so sorry to hear about your story and I do hope there is someone out there who can find help for you. Just know that this is so much not about you and that he has to find a way to change and heal, not you.
Dear Allison, so sorry! I have seen couples successfully get through this kind of situation. You may not have to worry about confidentiality re: using your husband’s insurance – there are laws protecting your privacy. If he has an EAP you could find out the confidentiality rules, or see if you could bypass it and go right to your insurance. If you tell me where you are i can try to recommend a good therapist.
Best,
Mona Barbera
To all who have written about loss of spark, from either kids or resentments:
Thanks for your thoughts and sharings.
I have been thrilled to see so many couples get the spark back and i hope you can too. If kids are getting in way perhaps it would help to ask yourself if there are any reasons you are letting this happen. Are there any parts of you that are secretly relieved that kids are in the way? Parts that go along with other’s needs instead of making clear choices? Parts that feel guilty if you don’t give, give, give?
I have found through Internal Family Systems that once you look inside with curiosity and openness, you may find surprising things. And sometimes all it takes is just noticing.
FOr those of you that are distancing because of resentment, you must find a way to talk about it. but don’t start until you are calm and connected, and even curious about your spouse. Even if you are sure you are right, that little edge of curiosity can be so helpful. And also don’t start the conversation until you are prepared to maintain your calm and connection even if your mate gives your their WORST response. You’ll feel better inside yourself and you’re more likely to have a good result.
May love flower within you and between you,
Mona Barbera, Ph.D.
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I do think that the spark in a relationship is directly proportionate to the love in a relationship. The person we married, had kids with, fought dirty with and hate the most is still the person we blindly fell in love with. It takes going back a little and stepping out of those serious adult shoes to just look at him or her without prejudice and with pure love. Love that didnt care whether he doesnt help around the house or clean the dishes. However, its important to have an unbiased conversation about the things we resent the most. Reasoning out is more important that arguing and justifying. Sometimes having small children and endless chores to do doesnt even give space for conversation. Finding time and making it a priority is important in developing a strong, wholesome family. No spark No fire and definitely no warmth.
I think we get disappointed when our spouse doesnt accomadate our mind in his body. We carry that on to anger and finally resentment. Letting him/her be themselves is very important to having lasting joy and meaning in a relationship.
I am having issues with the spark being lost in my relationship. i used to be crazy about him and he was crazy about me… in the past couple years we have lost that and we dont really even have sex hardly. i have lost my sex drive and i resent him for a bunch of things. I have tried to talk to him but he says we are fine and he doesnt see a huge problem. i’m miserable and want some spark back, i dont know how to do this because he is the only person i’ve been with for years. I want to work through things but its hard because i dont know what to do.