Codependency Workbook: Exercise 1
January 24th, 2012
By Joyce McLeod Henley, MSW, LCSW, CEAP, SAP, Codependency Topic Expert Contributor
Now that you understand how codependency develops in a family surrounding a dysfunctional person, what are you supposed to do next? Many clients have said, “Joyce, now that I understand where my fear of abandonment comes from, how do I stop being so scared of it that I mess up my relationships?” You can learn to do this, but it certainly isn’t easy. As you go through this workbook, you may feel uneasy when you try on new behaviors. It’s okay. Try to give yourself permission to be awkward. You don’t have to do everything perfectly.
Ideally, you have a therapist available to you or, at minimum, a 12-step program and a supportive friend. The first step is to write out or to record a statement about how your family is dysfunctional. I know that you do not wish to dwell in the past, nor do I wish to bring up so many painful memories for you. However, to begin your healing, it is important to face some of the things that you have successfully survived. Denial or constricting your feelings will not help you get to where you want to go.
Try to answer some of these questions.
- How is your family dysfunctional? Is there addiction, mental illness, physical illness, poverty, sexual abuse, something else, or a combination of these things?
- Is it one or both parents? Step-parents?
- Were your parents able to assume most of the normal parental duties? If not, did they get done? If so, who did them? If not, how did that affect you?
- Did odd things happen that you began to see as normal? If so, what?
- Were you afraid to have friends over? Did your parent(s) ever embarrass, scare, or anger you?
- Did family members walk on eggshells to try to avoid an explosion? If so, did they happen anyway?
Okay, I think you get the idea. Some of my clients choose to write their family history in the form of a letter to their parent or guardian. You don’t necessarily have to send it. You can revise it, and it will at least help you begin the process of identifying your feelings. Codependents usually learn to constrict their feelings in a vain attempt to keep everything calm. When clients write out or record their histories, they often feel angry, sad, scared, and/or hurt.
If you share those painful feelings with your therapist, your sponsor, or a supportive friend, you will find that after letting them out, you will feel some relief. Yes, it is painful, but avoiding it is even more painful in the long run.
If there were a website where people could post their family histories, you would find out that there would be many similar stories. You would realize that you are not alone. Those of you who have found your way to a 12-step program like Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous already know this. Isn’t it a relief?
So take out a sheet of paper or a notebook or a computer and start with Dear Mom or Dad or?
Then tell them that you are writing this letter to let them know what it was like for you to grow up in your home with them. Or, if you prefer, start with a title like “Growing up in my family.”
Related articles:
What is Co-Dependency?
Recovery from Co-dependency – Step #1: Learn to Manage Your Anxiety
©Copyright 2012 by Joyce McLeod Henley, MSW, LCSW, CEAP, SAP, therapist in St Louis, MO. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
Sometimes letting out all your feelings to a friend or even to a diary or a letter as you have mentioned it does a lot to rid oneself of pain.And to those that are in such a situation-Try this route t has worked for me in the past.Youre only building a volcano inside by keeping it in there.
Can’t wait to get started!
my mom was a co-dependent to her brother,because she lived with him after she separated from dad.she used to make things difficult for herself due to his addictions.finally my aunt persuaded her to see a counselor and she actually felt bad about not TAKING CARE of her brother anymore! this surprised us no doubt but they are now trying to treat her,her brother looks to have crossed te point of no return with his addictions though.
Thank you for a fantastic site. As a counsellor is it always helpful to discover new resources. What about a co-dependant passive aggressive manipulator? Any tips?
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