Queer: Intersections of Gender and Sexual IdentityMarch 21, 2012 • By Damon M. Constantinides, LCSW Identity Issues Topic Expert Contributor
The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody. – Rita Mae Brown
Queer is a sexual identity that can be both a place of great pride and one of pain. It’s a reclaimed identity—a word that was once used as a slur that is now intentionally used by the same group it was meant to hurt. Queer was once, and sometimes still is, used against lesbian, gay, and bisexual people as a derogatory term. And yet, for others, it’s become a word full of promise and hope and most authentically describes their sexual selves.
Queer is one sexual identity; the sexual orientation, sexual behavior, and sexual identity (OBI) model provides a way to talk about sexual identities with more accuracy (Cook & Pawlowski, 1991). In the OBI model, each of these concepts is different and separate from the others. Sexual orientation describes a person’s sexual or romantic attraction to another person. It’s not about behavior, it’s about the experience of attraction itself. Sexual behavior is used to describe the physical act of sexual activity. Sexual identity describes the way people identify themselves. Identity is personal; it’s something that each person can only decide for him- or herself. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, and queer are all sexual identities.
The OBI model provides a way to look at how these three pieces of ourselves interact. Typically it’s assumed that orientation, behavior, and identity are the same. For example, there’s an assumption that someone who identifies as gay is attracted only to men and participates in sexual behavior only with men. However, real life is much more complicated and there is no right way for a person’s orientation, behavior, and identity to line up. For example, a woman might be attracted to men and women, participate in sexual behavior with only men, and identity as bisexual.
The way that we typically describe sexual identity is dependent on gender. For example, if a man says that he is straight, he is stating that he identifies as being attracted to women. Straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual are categorical markers that designate a person’s gender, and the gender they are attracted to. Lesbian describes a woman who is attracted to other women, gay describes a man who is attracted to other men, bisexual describes a man or a woman attracted to men and women, and straight describes a man attracted to women or a woman attracted to men. Just by looking at the last sentence you can see how many times the words “man” and “woman” were used. But what happens when someone identifies as not a man or a woman? Or as both a man and a woman? Or as a feminine man or a masculine woman? What is the sexual orientation of someone who is attracted to transsexual men or women?
“I know I’m not a man…and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably not a woman either. The trouble is, we’re living in a world that insists we be one or the other.” –Kate Bornstein
In her book Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us, author Kate Bornstein lays out how our binary gender system, where being a man or being a woman are the only two choices, can be limiting. A person’s biological sex does not determine that person’s gender. Biological sex is the combination of hormones, chromosomes, and gonads that a person is born with. Gender identity, however, describes a person’s internal sense of being a masculine or feminine person—it’s not based on the physical body but on how someone feels inside. For many people, gender identity and biological sex seem interchangeable—for example, a person who is born female and identifies as a woman. But sex and gender are separate concepts and can line up in many different ways. Transgender is one term that can be used to describe the experience of identifying with a gender that is different from the one that was assigned at birth. People who are transgender have discovered that their gender identity is very different from their biological sex. Sometimes this means that a person born a woman feels that her identity is one of a man, or a transgender man. Other people who are transgender, like the gender outlaw Kate Bornstein, don’t feel like a man or a woman. Looking at gender cross-culturally and historically suggests that gender variance is a normal variation in human expression.
Gender identity and sexual identity are not the same thing, although we often treat them like they are. For example, a person can be a woman (gender identity) and be straight (sexual identity). Or she could be a woman (gender identity), and be a lesbian (sexual identity). Transgender describes gender, just like the term woman, which means that transgender (gender identity) people can also be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer (sexual identities).
To me, being queer isn’t who you’re sleeping with; it’s just an idea that sexuality isn’t gender-based, that it’s love-based.
—Ani DiFranco, Entertainment Weekly, May 2, 1997
Queer, as a sexual identity, is notably different than gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight because it does not depend on gender. As an identity, the term queer has the flexibility to be inclusive of all people, not just those who identify as men and women. It describes someone whose identity is not heterosexual, but does not fit into the other available gendered sexual identity categories. If we look back at the OBI model, queer can be used to describe the interaction between orientation, behavior, and identity for many people who find their experiences much more complex than the terms gay, lesbian, straight, or bisexual allow for. While once a term of hatred, today queer, for many, offers a world of possibilities.
Bornstein, K. (1994). Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us. New York: Routledge.
Cook, A. T., & Pawlowski, W. (1991). Issue paper: Youth and homosexuality. P–FLAG, PO Box 27605, Washington, D.C., 20038.
© Copyright 2012 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Damon Constantinides
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
seanMarch 21st, 2012 at 1:52 PM
How is it that those in the gay community can use the word queer with a sense of pride, but if anyone straight uses the term they are villified? If it is such a hurtful and prejudicial term then why is this something that they would be proud to identify with and use against and among one another?
BethMarch 21st, 2012 at 3:13 PM
I am still not so sure that the word queer is one that I would describe as being inclusive.
It feels like one that could cause more hurt than not.
I know that words evolve and come to mean something other than that which they originally intended.
But have we come far enough away from the hurt that this word once caused to now be able to use it in a way that is inclusive? For me I am still not sure that I am far enough removed from that point in time to be able to do that and accept it as such.
landonMarch 22nd, 2012 at 4:15 AM
I really like this analogy.
It clearly shows how so many of us feel, like we are constricted by having to say we are one thing or another when in actuality many of us feel a lot more torn and a lot more duality than what society expects us to be.
I have always felt more like a woman in a man’s body, but there have also been times when I have even felt conflicted about that which I have felt for a long time.
Does that make it wrong? Or does that make me weird?
I think that this very analogy and explanantion shows us that we all feel this difference from time to time. And you know what? That’s okay.
Damon ConstantinidesMarch 22nd, 2012 at 9:15 AM
It’s true – I didn’t spend a lot of time talking about “queer” as a reclaimed word in this article. In response to Sean – the difference is context. How is the word being used, and by whom? This makes all of the difference.
Regardless about people’s feelings about the reclaiming of this word, it is an identity that is used and growing. And for some pretty interesting reasons. These reasons are what I wanted to highlight in this piece, the word “queer” questions assumptions in ways that for many people are very important.
NanMarch 22nd, 2012 at 12:50 PM
I can’t seem to find the book Gender Outlaw anywhere in my town. Any suggestions for tracking that down?
simoneMarch 23rd, 2012 at 5:38 AM
“To me, being queer isn’t who you’re sleeping with; it’s just an idea that sexuality isn’t gender-based, that it’s love-based.”
and really,people should stop propagating these negative thoughts and talk about those that feel their gender and biological sex is different.are they criminals to think something about themselves?then why should we treat them like they are??
Damon ConstantinidesApril 5th, 2012 at 11:26 AM
Hey Nan, I’d probably just try Amazon. Or if you want to use an independent bookseller try queerbooks.com (they have it in paperback for $16). Also – fyi – Kate Bornstein co-edited a new book, Gender Outlaws (vs Gender Outlaw) that is a different book.
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