When Someone Really Listens, We Heal
June 11th, 2012
By Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, Depression Topic Expert Contributor
I made t-shirts that say this, because I believe it so profoundly. Never underestimate the power of talking with someone who really listens.
Our culture doesn’t encourage people to talk about their emotional pain. Our culture teaches people to suppress their feelings. People tell each other not to “whine” about problems or not to “dwell” on them. People are told to “get over it,” and to “be strong,” meaning “don’t feel and don’t talk about or show your feelings.” Anger, especially for men is more acceptable than sadness, or anything vulnerable, so for many men, everything from sadness, loneliness, or disappointment to anxiety, guilt, or shame gets funneled into expressions that look like anger. Feelings get pushed down with alcohol, other substances, and addictive activities. These provide some temporary relief but ultimately undermine a person’s strength, health, and functionality.
Most people, most of the time, when they feel upset about something can feel much better by talking to someone who listens patiently, nonjudgmentally, empathically, and curiously and shows that they understand at a deep level. There is something basic to the way human beings are made that offers emotional healing to people when they receive this simple but skillful response to talking about their emotional pain.
Depression is no different from any other emotional pain in this sense. If everyone who felt depressed felt comfortable talking about everything that was bothering them to a good listener, we would have far fewer people suffering, or even taking antidepressants.
Recently, a psychiatrist who was treating a friend of mine said that few people truly have a chemical imbalance that is causing their depression. Maybe this is why some research shows that antidepressants work about as well as placebos. Maybe the placebos work as well because the patients get some warm human contact with their pill. Human contact goes hand-in-hand with talking. We all need to see people smile at us, be warm toward us, perhaps even touch us in a friendly, appropriate way. Warm, caring human contact is essential for us to live and thrive.
Ideally, we would all have all of this in our lives without having to pay someone to get it. We would all have friends, relatives, spiritual leaders, mentors, teachers, or healers who would just be around and able to listen this way when we were upset. Yet our culture doesn’t support this basic need anymore. We are too busy, often abused by, or separated from our extended families, often living alone or with just our immediate family, not connected to church or community where this kind of talking may have been more available in the past, and valuing the rational over the emotional to the extreme. So many people are trying to hide their tears and vulnerability from each other and creating alienation and isolation. Ironically, suppressing our feelings and being deprived of warm contact with other people actually makes us more vulnerable to depression, and then people think they have even more to hide.
So if you are feeling depressed or in emotional pain, find someone you can really talk to, who will listen deeply and not judge you. Talk to them about everything that’s seriously bothering you, and keep talking until you feel relief—even if you have to go through several people to have as much time talking as you need. If there’s no one in your life like this, and you don’t think you can find anyone, find a good therapist and do your talking with a highly trained, skilled, and naturally intuitive professional. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to prevent depression, or deeper depression. It’s really so simple, yet often not easy, and so important.
Related articles:
The Irritable or Angry Experience of Depression
The Hopeless Experience of Depression
The Key to Happy Adulthood and the Goal of Therapy
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8 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
Sometimes it’s not about the advice that you get back, but just knowing that someone is listening and that they care makes all the difference in the world.
I honestly feel the most isolated and alone when I am trying to talk to someone but feel like they are not really engaged in me or the discussion that I am trying to have with them.
Talking to a wall is no fun, not productive, and really I feel better just writing it all done than I do talking with someone who has nothing to add because they are not paying attention to me.
It is a wonderful idea that you should find someone to talk to to hash out those problems. But anyone looking for this person should remember that it is not always the easiest thing to do, that you may have to search for a little while before finding that person who makes you the most comfortable and willing to open up. Just don’t get discouraged if it is not the first person that you find.
Wow, love the succintness of the title. So true. “Talking” and “listening” online isn’t the same as talking to someone face to face. We must remember to take time for relationships with others.
This is what is on my mind:
If you cannot be a true friend and hold my hand when there is a high tide, at least don’t ask me to “stop acting like a little girl” or to be “a strong young woman”. I want to cry over it and feel better gradually and that is how I want it to be!
I hate that feeling of talking to someone and I feel like they are ignoring me. It is like they are just going through the mostions of listening but then when I know that they have nothing valuable to interject then I know that they are not all that concerned with the things that I am going through. If I care enough to give a hundred percent when I am listening to a friend and trying to give some helpful advice, why can’t they think enough of me to give me the same?
I agree. When I am so down, I don’t want to hear any advices from anyone. I just want someone whom I could confide my problems and will just listen to me. Knowing there’s someone who listens to me eases the emotional burden.
Thanks for all your great comments! For sure, “really listening” is a skill and talent not everyone has. Keep looking until you find it–don’t try to talk to someone who doesn’t listen, or makes you feel worse than when you started. Find someone who lets you feel and express whatever is going on inside you and knows how to show they get it, and respect it.
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