Comments on: Sex Addiction is a Relational Disorder

By: gail

gail — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 08:39:37 +0000

I found out though my partners “disclosure” after he went to anger management course.That was almost three years ago. He is also a recovering alcoholic 26yrs now. I felt shattered and after being together almost 25yrs now, i am still in shock. He finally decided to get help after a slip recently. I am dealing with my mum dying of cancer and my dad has dementia as well. We are just living together no real contact i feel cheated for all the years of lies and deception.Tried Alanon no help there so im alone. Sometimes i hate him and sometimes i pity him. Love has long gone yet i did love him once.He wont tell me how far things got but i am sure he had at least one affair.

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 02:53:55 +0000

Hi Meredith: wow, beautifully said. I quite literally could not have said it better myself. I would just say that, even if they did not choose this particular acting-out behavior, they might have turned to some other “outlet” for all those unresolved intense feelings (such as smoking, drinking, gambling, etc). Also, a lot of people with this addiction have had a history of incest in their past, either physical (sexual abuse) and/or emotional (where a parent makes them a “surrogate spouse” and has inappropriate boundaries). Thus their trauma is a big part of what drives this compulsivity. Anyway, thank you for writing!

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:13:24 +0000

Hi Angel, I can understand your question. It’s hard for me to understand sometimes, and I work with addicted people all day along. In a nutshell, the “mainstream” definition of an addiction is (to paraphrase the DSM-IV, the diagnostic “bible” of the mental health profession): 1. Rising tolerance of one’s drug (or behavior); 2. Negative symptoms if one stops (anxiety, irritability, etc); 3. Difficulty controlling the substance (or behavior); 4. Negative consequences (which do not curb the addiction). There are others, including an inability to stop or control the addiction. All of the people (men and women) that I treat or have treated in my practice meet this criteria — easily — when it comes to compulsive sexuality. Again, it’s a strange and even baffling concept, that one has lost control of a behavior (such as sex, gambling, eating, etc) — but then again, to quote the AA “Big Book”, addiction is “cunning, baffling, and powerful”. Hope this helps. Thanks for writing.

By: Meredith

Meredith — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 17:45:09 +0000

This is such a sad life that these addicts must live, and yes I am one of those who does feel strongly that this is an addiction. If it was not an addiction, who would ever choose to live out something like this. They know that it could ruin and destroy relationships, yet they, just like drinkers or any other addict, continue to do it. Why? because it is behavior that is beyond their control. I know that they did not have to start acting out like this, but the point is that now they have so they have to be able to establish a support system to be able to get through it and move beyond that negative place in their life. And with sex addiction, that has to be pretty hard because of the shame involved and the fact that so many of them probably only start out doing this because they do not feel like they have anyone who loves them to begin with.

By: Angel

Angel — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 21:29:23 +0000

I know that there are some things that can’t be helped, but I’m sorry, I don’t think this about a “sex addiction” at all. Why don’t you think this is just about having a little willpower or self control?

By: GL

GL — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:08:25 +0000

I think we all have Tiger Woods to thank for all this. Before his episode, not many people knew about sex addiction and some were even blind to the fact that there could be something like sex addiction!

As much as a positive effect the episode had in terms of awareness,it still shows our fixation to celebrities’ lives..

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 02:22:52 +0000

p.s. What I mean in part by “not about you” is that he would have been behaving the exact same way whoever he was with. Small consolation, I’m sure.

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 02:21:12 +0000

Hi Sheila, you describe being the partner of a person with sex addiction quite well. It really isn’t about you but it ends up hurting you just as much. This is the tragedy of addiction, especially one that involves something so intimate as sex. You might want to check out cosa.org and/or the two books I recommended above: CONTRARY TO LOVE by P. Carnes and MENDING A SHATTERED HEART by S. Carnes (P.’s wife). Thank you for posting.

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:14:07 +0000

Dear Katy, thanks for writing — and, you’re jumping ahead to my next article! In short, the problem can be overcome by a diligent, ongoing program involving some combination of a support group (be it religious or 12-step or some kind of support group with other people who have the same problem, and good counseling. I really like what you said in your post and agree. It’s important to find a counselor or therapist with experience in compulsive sexual behaviors, because it’s possible to treat but requires specific clinical skills.

As for Marie, it sounds devastating and very traumatic for your ex-boyfriend AND for you too. It’s horrible to see someone we love suffer so deeply. I think it would be good to find some outlets so you can share some of your frustration, sadness, etc., and get help protecting yourself from the insanity of his addiction. By practicing good self-care you set a good example for him, too; people with untreated addiction can really hurt others, usually unintentionally, so it would be good for you to find support for yourself so you can detach from him so you don’t keep suffering ‘again and again’. Sometimes those who leave an addict feel guilt or anger or all of the above. Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do unless he decides to get help for himself. I really hope he does. Thanks again for writing. Take care, Darren.

By: Sheila

Sheila — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:06:49 +0000

I often wondered who these women were who stayed with men like this, men who chose to watch porn over having a real relationship with a woman. And then that very thing happened to me. I was mortified to think that I was not enough to satisfy him, although he insisted that that was not what it was about. But what was I supposed to think? I mean, I thoght that he did not want to have sex because he was tired or whatever, but come to find out he was online all night on some crazy websites that I am even too grossed out to think about. And who can I talk to and tell? What will everyone then think about me? Oh, he has the problem but I must be doing something wrong to cause him to act out in that way.

By: katy

katy — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:38:37 +0000

a lot of people suffer from sex addiction if you ask me.its just that the problem is not as well known and as well understood as other addictions because sex is seen as something very natural for humans and anybody wanting more and more of it is just seen as normal or at the most a little more of a sex-enthusiast if you can call them that.

so how can this problem be overcome?

By: Marie

Marie — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 08:31:39 +0000

Thank you, I’ll try that. At first I was disgusted when i found out he was cheating on me with so many women. He broke my heart & our “dream” with all those lies so I left him. He was so devastated he begged me to stay & not abandon him, even threaten suicide… But I was so hurt, I just left & thought he was only playing the victim with all the drama. Since then he locked himself in a vicious circle, accumulating the sexual partners, doesn’t believe in love no more, doesn’t show love, he said that He has no heart & doesn’t love anyone. From an external point of view he is a very succesful young man, has everything to be happy, and He does everything to show to the that he’s more than happy. But I know he’s not He suffers a lot, sometimes he tells me that He still loves me, we even tried to go back together, but He can’t do it, the devils come back again & He goes back to his self-destruction routine…
I care for him & still want him, but i guess I’ll only suffer again & again ( it has been 2 years). But at least I wanna help him, nobody knows what he’s going through except me, they all thing He is perfectly happy, but He is the more lonely & miserable young man I know

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 05:47:59 +0000

And to Connor — well said!

By: Darren Haber

Darren Haber — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 23:39:00 +0000

Hi Marie, thanks for writing. I think the more you yourself get the facts about addiction, and how it affects friends/partners of those with addiction, the better. There's a program called COSA and their website is http://www.cosa-recovery.org. If you can't get to an actual meeting they have telemeetings (i.e., via phone). Talk to other partners or ex-partners of those with compulsive sexual issues and see if you can relate to anything they have to say. You could also attend AlAnon meetings and make the mental substitution of "sex addiction" whenever you hear "alcohol" mentioned. Thanks again for posting. Best of luck to you, Darren. p.s. I also recommend two books: CONTRARY TO LOVE by P. Carnes and MENDING A SHATTERED HEART by S. Carnes (P.'s wife!)

By: Connor

Connor — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 23:35:38 +0000

There is so much shame associated with this type of addiction that you do not find with those who abuse alcohol and drugs. People do not want to deal with it because most of us think that if they wanted to stop then they would. But for many of them it is just as hard to stop the complicated sexual behaviors as it is to stop drinking or using drugs for those addicts. The disease is the same, it is just the method of acting it out is a different realm.

By: Marie

Marie — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:06:00 +0000

My ex-boyfriend suffers from that, how Can I help him??