How to Be with Someone Who Is Grieving
January 25th, 2012
By
Beth Patterson, MA, LPC, Grief, Loss & Bereavement Topic Expert Contributor
Your best friend’s beloved cat just died. Your favorite coworker was just laid off. Your elderly aunt, who suffered from cancer for many years, just died, and your cousin is bereft. In any one of these situations, you might likely be uncomfortable and not know what to do. You are certainly not alone with this dilemma.
The first thing to remember in being with someone who is grieving a loss is the word “be”—notice that the title of this article starts with “how to be,” not “what to do.” You may be tempted in the case of the death of your best friend’s cat to offer to take him to get a new pet. In the case of your laid off coworker, you might be tempted to give her resume-writing or job-hunting tips. In the case of the death of your aunt, you may be tempted to tell your cousin that the death was a blessing and at least she lived a long life.
Although these possible reactions sound like they might be helpful, they actually can do more harm than good at the beginning of someone’s grief process. Here are some “doing” things to avoid:
- Avoid the temptation to fix it. People don’t like to feel that something is wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
- Avoid giving advice, unless it is asked for.
- Avoid the use of clichés, such as “maybe it’s a blessing” or “I know just how you feel” or “God works in mysterious ways.”
The key to being with a grieving person is listening. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? However, listening is really not that easy for most of us. We find it much easier to do than to be. So, we give advice, or offer to fix it, or do something else to fill the space. It is difficult for us to sit in silence with another, providing a caring presence. We tend to be uncomfortable witnessing another’s suffering and sitting in that empty, groundless space. So, we do things to fill that silent space that are well-intentioned but not helpful to the grieving person.
The following are some keys to effective listening and being a caring presence for someone who is grieving:
- Center yourself before entering the room. Have the intention of being present for your friend. Slow down. Breathe mindfully, inhaling nourishment and ease for yourself and your friend, and exhaling stress and tension. Feel your feet on the floor in order to get grounded.
- Leave all distractions aside. Turn off your cellphone, iPad, and computer. Don’t worry—your messages will still be there and can wait. Forget about your plans for the rest of the day, they too can wait.
- As you sit with your friend, check in with yourself periodically, putting about 75% of your attention on your friend and about 25% on yourself. Check to see if you are staying present: Is your mind wandering? Are you jumping ahead and figuring out the next thing to say? Are you getting anxious hearing about your friend’s loss?
- Leave your agenda at the door—simply be with your friend as he or she is at that moment, as much as you might wish to make it better or different—remember that it’s their process, not yours.
- In staying present, be aware of your own triggers. Perhaps you lost a beloved pet, just as your friend did, and being with your friend is triggering your own pain. Breathe into that pain for yourself, and breathe out from that tender place for your friend. Your own pain is truly an opportunity to be authentically and open-heartedly present with your friend and is an opportunity for healing for both of you.
There is nothing more healing than feeling truly heard and understood. This is the essence of active listening and “companioning”: being with another in life’s journey as equals on the path. Listening to and being a mirror for another’s pain is the essence of companioning. As the eminent humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers noted:
I find that when I am close to my inner, intuitive self, when I am somehow in touch with the unknown in me…whatever I do seems to be full of healing. Then, simply my presence is releasing and helpful to the other. There is nothing I can do to force this experience, but when I can relax and be close to the transcendental core of me…it seems that my inner spirit has reached out and touched the inner spirit of the other. Our relationship transcends itself and becomes a part of something larger. Profound growth and healing and energy are present. (Rogers, A Way of Being, 1980)
Related articles:
The Death of a Parent: Healing Children’s Grief
Light at the End
The Wholeness of Grief
©Copyright 2012 by Beth Patterson, MA, LPC, therapist in Denver, CO. All Rights Reserved.
-
Find the Right Therapist
-
15 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
I hate it when something tough is going on in your life and there is that one person who thinks they know everything, and that they can fix what is going on with you. What they fail to take into acocunt is that some thigs take time and need for you to be able to process on your own. I know that they have the best intentions but often those are not the best solution for you.
Having recently suffered the devastating loss of my partner, I’m really happy to see this article. I’m struggling to function and all the so-called advice I’m getting about cheering myself up and getting on with life and so on is stressing me out even more. I wish they could do as you say and just be there.
Here’s hoping by some miracle they read it, Beth. Thanks for writing that.
I detest the banal comments like you mentioned there. “God works in mysterious ways” irritates me so much! I mean, why is that supposed to be a comfort? I don’t care how he works. I care that I lost a loved one and that it hurts like hell. Don’t preach to me in the midst of my grief as if however God works makes it all okay. It doesn’t.
After my mom died, I learned to stop saying things like that. I always did too, thinking it was helping the bereaved person. When mom died I realized it does no such thing. It’s like Beth said there, we feel this urge to do instead of be. Being is definitely the more helpful of the two.
I agree that being feels more supportive. Some nights after my fiance died suddenly all I wanted was someone beside me to hold my hand or give me a cuddle without saying a word. Nothing you say will bring them back.
@francineclark – That’s true, nothing will bring them back. I’m sorry for your loss, francine. I agree that saying nothing at all can be a bigger comfort than talking to them simply because you’re uncomfortable with the silence yourself. We’re too used to constant noise and bustle now. Folks don’t know anymore how to just be and be content in the quiet anymore.
let them be and let them process that grief on their own terms
I think that the one thing that we forget to do is to just be there for someone when they are grieving when they need us to be and for however long it takes to help them work through the process. For some this will go quickly and for others it might take longer. But don’t set them up on some timeline that they should grieve how you think that they should. Just being there for them to vent and talk can be all they need.
I agree I am dumbstruck when I’m around someone grieving..I almost freeze and have no idea what to say or do..I have to admit this has resulted in me saying some of the things you have listed to avoid here..But is silent presence really that effective? I mean silence just makes it worse,doesn’t it?
Thank you for posting this. Six years ago I lost my son and mother in a very tragic car accident as they returned home from the hospital after I had given birth to a little girl. At the hospital the chaplain kept saying “He’s in a better place.” I had the hardest time dealing with this man saying that to me. I lost a lot of friends after my son died because they didn’t know what to say when really all I wanted was for them to listen to me talk about him. I love him and I miss him every day, even now! I just wish people would learn to listen!
The only thing worse than a visitor droning on is when it’s offensive and they don’t even notice. I had a neighbor give me the “she’s better off gone” speech after losing my wife to a long and drawn-out illness. Better for who? Not my wife, because she was too young to die and not ready to go and certainly not better for me. Think before you speak, people.
@J. Simmons -That’s a giant problem indeed, getting people to think before they speak. I’m sorry for your loss. Insensitivity is rife when there’s a bereavement. It’s like they all have a mental book of trite sayings that they dust off and trot out parrot fashion.
If they took a moment to actually think about the person they are talking about and the bereaved one right in front of them, it would make the whole thing much easier to bear.
Thank you Beth.
@J. Simmons– “The only thing worse than a visitor droning on is when it’s offensive and they don’t even notice.” That’s not true. No, what’s worse is when they don’t visit at all. That’s very hurtful.
It’s true what Tim said “they don’t visit at all”…so called friends & family. I’ve been told it’s too painful for them to see me grieve…really?
Leave a Reply
By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.