Nurturing Communication

February 3rd, 2010
By Beth S. Pumerantz, MA, MS, LMFT, Communication Problems Topic Expert Contributor

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Relationships are so precious to us and help us form a sense of who we are. Love and respect are the foundations for healthy relationships. Even though we may have differing viewpoints, relationships can be happy and wonderful and fulfilling if we can feel nurtured, understood, and appreciated. Well-known psychotherapist, Virginia Satir, explained that, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible–the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

Sometimes relationships can be frustrating and confusing, especially when we think we are communicating well with our partner, only to find out that we are misunderstood. Our feelings get bent out of shape. Instant conflict. It’s possible to improve our relationships by learning and using more effective communication strategies to build a stronger and happier relationship with our partners securing a sense of love and respect.

Communication involves so much more than what we say. Partners must choose to improve how they communicate with each other by honestly sharing how they feel and what they are expecting from the other. Learning to communicate better can bring your relationship to a whole new level and reduce stress and conflict.

There are some simple strategies we can use to make communicating with our partners better and more productive. Here are some important strategies to use that will help you communicate better with everyone!

Using “I” statements rather than “You” statements allows us to take personal responsibility for our own feelings and doesn’t place blame on our partner. When we say, “I feel angry when you speak to me like that,” this enables us to stand up for ourselves without attacking our partner. After all, it is our perception of what’s happening that we need to communicate to others.

Be direct and get to the point as clearly and respectfully as possible so we increase understanding and reduce confusion. This strategy helps us to keep it simple and allows us a chance to clarify without conflict.

Visual cues help us assess our effectiveness in communicating to our partner. Communication involves more than just what we say, it is also how we say it. Learning to read the body language and facial expressions of others, as well as of ourselves, will reduce conflict and keep our communication clearer.

Effective listening, not just hearing, is a strategy that will immediately make a difference in how we can better communicate in our relationships. Effective listening involves not interrupting others, but rather respectfully listening to them in order to understand how they feel, their perception or views of the situation, and really taking the time to hear them out. Waiting patiently to reply, even if we disagree, is a sign of respect and conveys to our partner that we have taken the time to process what they have said, because they are important me us. In relationships that are having difficulty with communication it is generally due to the lack of effective listening.

Being polite and respectful helps to reduce conflict and stress when we are communicating with our partners. Remembering to use our manners shows our partner that we care about our relationship and allows our partner a chance to calmly receive our message. Manners are important!

Staying positive and patient also conveys to our partner a sense of respect and a desire to reduce conflict while promoting cooperation and maybe even compromise. Since our goal is to improve our overall ability to communicate better with our partner, staying positive that an agreeable outcome will be reached and keeping patient while we both share in the discussion will create a calm environment without aggression to sabotage us.

Addressing the present situation or discussion will keep us on a productive path to better communicate what’s happening now. Keeping the discussion to the present issue only will allow us to need to come to a constructive solution; and blocks us from bringing up a past problem that will only make what’s happening now more of a conflict. Our partner will feel we truly care when our focus is on right now and how to solve this conflict or issue.

Communication is an important element in every relationship and we do it every day in so many ways. With some minor changes to how we are communicating with our partner, like using “I” statements rather than “You” statements, we can instantly make a remarkable difference in our relationships. It’s a life skill, and yes we even have to practice at it to get better and better. When we choose to take personal responsibility by communicating in a direct manner we are on the right course to happiness. Using visual cues and being a good listener can help us better understand our partner’s perspective and their feelings. Some little changes in how we communicate with our partner will encourage them to be more apt to effectively communicate back with us. Remembering to always be polite and respectful by staying positive and patient when communicating with our partner, and addressing only the present situation will allow us both to equally discuss without the drama!

©Copyright 2010 by Beth S. Pumerantz, LMFT, therapist in Upland, CA. All Rights Reserved.

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