What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?

Editor’s note: Content in this article and comment thread may be sexual or graphic in nature and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

BWoman in fancy dress sitting on balcony railelieve it or not, almost everyone has some secret desire, fantasy, or fetish that turns them on in the bedroom (or elsewhere). Some choose to keep their fantasies to themselves and think about them when alone. They consider this part of their sexuality not necessary to share. Others have a strong urge to share their fantasy or fetish, desiring to act it out with partners. Finally, there are those of us who have trouble swallowing the content of our desires, are confused or unsure about its meaning, and feel conflicted about our fantasies and fetishes.

Reflecting Childhood

Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what turns us on are common in our society. We want to know, “Why do I feel this way and where does this come from?” The short answer is our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the stimuli we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example, the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub may then pair arousal with water and bathing. He might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother or who feels ostracized by her peers may have fantasies in her adulthood about being dominated (Dixit, 2010, p. 47).

What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Although childhood sexuality is a natural part of development, it is often ignored in our culture, shunned, or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts and desires. No explanations are given, and nothing is talked about.

By remembering that sexual curiosity and the desire to feel pleasure is a normal part of a child’s development, we can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences. It is this shame and guilt that may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires.

Reflecting Anxieties

Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the individual who worries about having too many responsibilities in daily life may fantasize about being completely dominated and controlled in bed. The woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a dominatrix.

The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by its polar opposite, which could be manifesting in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. In other words, if an individual fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed, it does not mean they are weak and helpless in real life. Frequently, the opposite is true.

Sexual fantasies are often representations of parts of our lives, whether past or present. When we break them down and take a closer look, we will see that they are normal reactions to our life experiences.

Dixit, J. (April 2010). Psychology Today, p. 47.

© Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • Leave a Comment
  • KT

    April 13th, 2010 at 8:44 PM

    You are right when you say that childhood sexuality is seen as something wrong and something unnatural in most societies today. When I was growing up,my dad sat down with me and answered questions about sex whenever I had any…he did not just brush them aside…this was fine with me. But then i found out that not all parents do that and that the lack of such clearing from the parents’ side often leads the child into looking for answers from his peers or the internet or other sources and this can often be dangerous!

  • yolanda

    April 14th, 2010 at 3:15 AM

    I’m gonna really have to give this one some thought. Don’t know that I really have any fantasies or if I did how they would relate to growing up.

  • GREG

    April 14th, 2010 at 11:27 AM

    I do not quite like talking about my sexual fantasies with other people but after reading this article here,I think there really is a relation between the kind of sexual fantasies we have and our life…there is clearly a pattern and I’m pretty sure it is the same with most other people.

  • Wyv

    May 17th, 2015 at 11:14 PM

    I’m 14 and ever since around November 9th of 2014 I’ve been feeling insane sexual and romantic attraction towards my best friend, taking every chance I have to be at least semi intimate with him. Everything was normal until my fantasies broke out. Fantasies of the sort of him forcefully shoving me against a wall, biting me on the neck and making me completely submit to him. I’ve pretty much been pushing these thoughts away. Not to mention I was pretty sure I identified as a gray asexual (or demisexual if you will) and I do have the emotional bond with him required for a gray ace relationship but I’m wondering if such kinky sexual attraction is normal for an ace.

  • Mou Wilson

    May 10th, 2010 at 6:15 PM

    Childhood sexuality is often hard to address and talk about. There is a lot of fear around the subject of childhood sexual abuse which is the coercion of sex with a child by an adult or by someone of a significant age difference. We should recognize that sexual play between children of mutual age (and also same sex) is common, natural and expected, and should not be punished or chastised. Shutting down children’s sexuality by shaming, shunning and/or making them feel guilty can lead to many other sexually related dysfunctions later on. A great book about childhood sexuality is “Sex, Therapy and Kids,” By Sharon Lamb.

  • Neil

    July 22nd, 2010 at 8:24 PM

    I agree entirely with your final comment that our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life. I have a wonderful relationship with my wife, including an excellent sex life. But I sometimes feel inadquate and “unworthy”. Consequently, when I do fantasize (usually during masturbation) I can never visualise myself as a participant, relying on mental images of my wife with other male partners to arouse me. Do you think this linked to my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy? Is this a common phenomenon?

  • Jane

    July 21st, 2011 at 4:45 PM

    I am a straight(?) female but have always fantasized about big breasts with big nipples. Is this because I did not receive enought nurturing from my mother? Does it mean I am gay? I love men and do not desire a relationship with a woman. I do not want to be with women sexually, only men. Am I normal? Is this type of fantasy a common one? I have been tortured by shame and guilt about this all my life.

  • tammy

    September 16th, 2011 at 4:07 AM

    Contrary to what others think, sexual fantasies do not always have to be naughty nor indecent, as long as they are controlled and provided that their sexual partners agree to what they want.

  • Kalika

    June 28th, 2012 at 5:30 PM

    Well written, but I’m not sure if it’s true for everyone. Since age 9 and 2 months I have fantasised about BDSM, torture, pants peeing/pooping, forced cross-dressing/sissification and forced diapering of boys and drew and wrote many stories and comics about this. At 17 girls featured in these fantasies also. I also fantasised of prostitution/selling virginity. I can’t see how any of this correlates to my life at age 9 in an educated, fairly conservative but equality-oriented family. I’m also polyamorous and love SM – I’m a switch (ie I like spanking/torturing guys but also like them to do it to me.)

  • Christina

    August 14th, 2012 at 2:18 PM

    Even though there was the 1960s sexual revolution of which my parents missed and sex and porn are easy to access from the media it seems that has nothing to do with reality. Sexual fantasies make life more interesting but I can’t share them with anyone, most all my husband who learned about sex from porn and messing around with high school girlfriend. His parents are the most asexual people I’ve ever met. I’m not sure how they conceived my husband and his sister!I can’t believe the repression that still goes on so much so indulge in fantasies as they make things bearable

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    August 14th, 2012 at 7:09 PM

    Thanks for all your comments!

  • Lillian G.

    October 10th, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    Hi, I am about get marry in few months, but recently my boyfriend open with me about his sexual fantasy, he said that sometimes while we have sex he wants fantasize with other girls, because it will give him more pleasure, he says could be my best friend or even my sister…. I said him is OK since is only a “fantasy” but he feel better when I allow him to do it, he even asked me to show him my sexy friends and sister pictures so he can turn on… He also admitted me that he masturbate thinking about my sister… This really bother I am not that much open mind, and I am about get marry, I don´t want this become a problem for us after marriage, ah he also told me he is ok if I think about others guys during sex only to get more please.

    I really need a good advice.

  • Snow White

    August 28th, 2014 at 12:40 AM

    Hi there

    I hope I’m not too late to tell you
    This guy is what we call ‘Jerk’

    I will open the front door nice and wide and ask him to walk through it and have a nice life being alone.

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    October 12th, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    I feel like with all this stuff going on in and you’re about to get married, getting some premarital counseling couldn’t hurt to help define long term and short term goals and make sure you and your boyfriend have the same expectations going forward. It will be a much bigger mess to clean up later, it’s always good to get a head start and solve problems before they happen by coming up with some agreements.
    Moushumi Ghose

  • christopher

    September 29th, 2014 at 10:41 PM

    I have an ironic fantasy which sometimes terrifies the living daylights out of me. Sometimes I can just keep it under control and sometimes I,m a gibbering wreck. I feel like my heart is exploding can anyone tell me if its wrong to assume acceptance of transexuall fantasies . After spending most of my early life hiding in the closet , I recognised in my freinds and aquaintenses that my disasterous fantasies were being compassionately interragated . After taking far to many years to pluck the courage to explore these fantasies . I was suddenly delighted to find that I looked absolutely stunning in a mini skirt, huh heels and a bra, and even more than exhilerated to have the attention of men and women, This would soon turn to feelings of terror. Now years on I have decided to safely salvage these feteshes. By refraining. But I sure did have one miraculous moment . But now I have to make another impossible transformation back into a man . I regret to say ! That for me the entire experiance, though glorious and invigerating was insanely dangerous and I,m thankfull that it,s over

  • Moushumi G.

    Moushumi G.

    October 2nd, 2014 at 12:39 PM

    Hi Christopher, Thanks for sharing. Transformations are never easy, and too often our biology is incongruent with how we feel. You are not alone in feeling this way. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any more insights!


  • Julie A.

    December 5th, 2014 at 6:29 AM

    I need help I’m married but I been fantasizing about my neighbor very intense fantasies where they feel like they have actually happened and I have never spoke to him these thought have taken over my life I can’t stop I actually have lost all sexual feels for my partner because of it it doesn’t help I have never had an orgasm with anyone even myself idk if I can even have one what do I do

  • Julie a

    June 24th, 2015 at 5:42 AM

    It’s gotten worse since I wrote this I can’t find anyone to help me I have these wild fantasies about my neighbor still I feel like is the only man who could give me what I need but it’s worse now I desire about almost every man I see am I a sex addict that just hasn’t acted on it lol I really think I’m search for someone who can finally get me off

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    December 8th, 2014 at 4:40 AM

    I would say that your obsession with your neighbor has more to do with your own needs which are not being met by your partner and in your current relationship than it has to do with your neighbor. It might be a good idea to figure out what you need and want, and then to talk to your partner about it, but if you feel otherwise that maybe your current partner cannot or will not meet those needs for you, or maybe you do not even want him to then maybe you may have a bigger decision to make.

  • Common sense

    December 26th, 2014 at 10:58 AM

    I think you missed a huge part of her statement. She hasn’t had one even with herself! You should consult a physician before you make any life changing decisions based solely on sex.

  • ankush

    July 16th, 2016 at 10:41 AM

    What to do i think about my mom and masturbate

  • William

    December 29th, 2014 at 6:36 AM

    My wife wants to watch me have sex with another woman. What causes such a fantasy?

  • Alexa

    January 4th, 2015 at 8:56 AM

    I’m an 18 year old & for months now I have been having sexual fantasies about my female dance teacher, she’s in her early twenties & really pretty. She’s nice & this is my third I’m in her class but this is the first year that I have ever felt any kind of attraction to her, before that I didn’t, she was just my dance teacher. I haven’t ever had a bf or even my first kiss & I was just wondering if that has something to do with it? I haven’t ever been with it either so could it be that maybe my mind is just wandering & just getting curious if what’s it’s like to be with a female? I’m pretty sure I’m straight, just curious because I’m attracted to guys emotionally & physically whereas women I’m only attracted to sexually & not emotionally. For example, I could only see myself marrying a man, falling in love with a man, cuddling & doing cute romantic things with a man, as well as sexual but I can’t at all see myself ever marrying a woman or falling in love or anything romantic or cute. So is it that my mind is just wandering, I’m just curious? I often fantasize about experimenting with my dance teacher & I often catch myself looking at her body but I get nervous cause I don’t want her to catch me or know that I’m having these thoughts for her. Part of my mind sometimes just really really wants to experiment with her & feel her body & her feel my body but I feel like if the opportunity ever actually presented itself (there is like close to no chance of that happening though) I wonder if I still would want to, I probably would but I would be really shy & awkward & very very nervous, my mind is so confused. Sorry this was so long but any helpful input would be appreciated! Thanks! :)

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    January 5th, 2015 at 1:06 PM

    Alexa, Your fantasies are totally normal. I believe sexuality ebbs and flows, and sometimes our fantasies are there to balance out what is going on in our daily lives. Maybe you are desiring some feminine energy in your life, and maybe right now you aren’t ready for a deep emotional commitment with a man. Maybe having some simple sexual experiences is perfect for you. Being attracted to a woman does not say anything about your sexuality, except that you are human, and have normal human desires. Hope this helps.

  • Alexa

    January 6th, 2015 at 4:02 PM

    Thanks for replying! What do you mean balance things out though? I do want a bf & I can only see myself dating a guy & marrying one. I can’t see myself dating or marrying a girl at all but I’m attracted to my dance teacher & fantasize about her a lot, I sometimes feel bad about it though like it’s wrong? I’ve told my close friend & she said that it’s not wrong at all, everybody has fantasies & there’s nothing wrong with having fantasies about her. Thanks for replying though, I appreciate it.

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    January 5th, 2015 at 1:09 PM

    In much the same way that I have answered the others, a fantasy like you mention may have something to do with what is going on with your wife. Sometimes seeing our partners sexual with others can act as a great reminder, seeing what others see in our partners can make us more appreciative, aroused, excited to be with our partners again, especially in long term relationships. I think this is why a lot of partners seek open relationships after being together after many years, the excitement that new people bring can enhance the older relationship. Hope this helps.

  • C.C

    February 3rd, 2015 at 12:12 AM

    My fiancé has recent told me that when we have sex, he wants me to pretend I am a 15yr old virgin and that he’s my step dad. Should I be concerned? What could this meen?

  • RocketMan

    July 31st, 2015 at 11:07 AM

    Oh come on now, unless you were born & raised on a remote Island this is a no-brainer. You must have never heard of or read the Playboy forums & the fantasies written since the magazine was first published. Or Women’s books back in the day known throughout the years as Harlequin Romance was Always Taboo!! That’s why your Mother & other Family members of your family that are Women all read them. But not a one of them would be seen reading them, & they all would hide them!! Under beds under mattresses and couches & so on cause rhey liked the Read & the arousal but they all I knew it was wrong & taboo back then!!
    Unless you already have a daughter going into this “Marriage” & he is going to be her Stepdad then No you dnt have nothing to worry about!!! Come on now!!

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    February 3rd, 2015 at 3:35 PM

    C.C- Sexual fantasies are often things which seem really exciting, but that we would never really want to do in real life, hence them being a “fantasy.” When acted out, something often referred to as “role play” in a safe setting with a consensual partner, it gives partners an opportunity to act out an otherwise “taboo” sexual act in an acceptable manner. It probably just means that your fiancé’ wants to be more exploratory. I encourage you to embrace his sexual fantasies and fetishes – and not to shame him which could have negative consequences- and have a conversation about it being purely fantasy role play, if you are concerned about anything else, just to clarify your concerns.

  • Tannah

    February 5th, 2015 at 5:56 PM

    My boyfriend has recently brought up the fantasies of being stabbed and shot in the shoulder during intercourse. Is this a common/normal fantasy or should I really be as worried as I am?

  • christy

    February 10th, 2015 at 12:40 AM

    i have been with my bf for 3 years he is having recently a fantasy about my mother he’s always horny he admires everything I don’t have in my body kind of the opposite is that normal

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    February 10th, 2015 at 5:49 AM

    I think the first step would be to talk to your boyfriend about it. Get more details and insight as to what this fantasy means to him, and what it is about. Fantasies often have an underlying theme, and while it is quite common to have fantasies about being threatened (I.E a gun or knife to the throat) death-fetishes, necro-philias while they exist tend to be less common. As long as he does not intend to harm himself or others are generally fine, but again, I would talk to him further, to make sure he has no desires to truly act on them.

  • tan

    February 12th, 2015 at 12:09 PM

    Hi i’m 18 years old boy , i have fantasies of being dominated by a women , i hate my fantasies and i want to change it , don’t tell i should not be ashamed , i just want to change it if possible ; please !

  • Tay

    March 12th, 2015 at 9:47 PM

    There is absolutely NO reason why you should feel ashamed of your sexual desires or what gets you in the mood. It is completely normal and you should never worry about something like that. A lot of girls or women like it that way too. Trust me, you are fine just the way you are.

  • Sheran

    February 23rd, 2015 at 4:53 PM

    *sigh* Yeah, this article is so absolutely true. I see very clearly where my fantasies come from.

    Generally my fantasies circle around rape or being taken roughly and forcefully. And although I’ve thankfully never been sexually abused I grew up with a father who far too rarely cared about my wishes but demanded that I obey.

    Another reccuring theme is youth and virginity. When I was 13 I had a big crush on a young man who didn’t want to be together with me because I was “too young”. I also didn’t have any luck in love later. I am really sad that I can’t go back in time and/or halt my aging until I find somebody to start a relationship with. -.-°

  • gage

    February 25th, 2015 at 6:58 PM

    I think about being dominated by a sexy beautiful woman

  • Me

    March 7th, 2015 at 8:41 PM

    I recently caught my bby daddy/boyfriend texting someone other then my about sexual fantasies and even sharing photos it that normal?

  • patience

    March 23rd, 2015 at 1:38 PM

    Hi i am 26yrs old and i have been with my husband 10yrs together and 7yrs married. We have been experiencing with psychedelics recently for the past 2yrs now and it has helped us to be more open to eachother about everything. And recently he has confessed to me that he had sex with his mothers younger sister when he was 17/18yrs old and she was 15/16yrs old at the time. He had also confessed to fantasies about his only sister who is only 19yrs old now. He admits it is wrong and he would like for it to stop. What do u advice? I respect my husband and i love him dearly and i dont think i should judge him especially when he is being open to me about his guilty thoughts. I want to help him. What should we do? What should i do?

  • Eric S

    April 16th, 2015 at 10:01 PM

    Hi, I was reading your concern and it was fascinating to read. I’m no psychologist, or expert of sex, BUT I too have recently had an issue identical to yours come up in my life. Seeing how you two have bin experimenting with psychedelics and have grown closer together you can fix his issue, with COMPLETE TRUST. Now all you would have to do is satisfy his urge, for suppression of emotions will cause a blow out and that can be a catastrophe. Set aside a weekend to get away from work. You must find a woman that’s good enough for a lookalike of his sister and together have your way with her, and with a little help of some psychedelics and a lot of trust you will get rid of his mixed emotions and possibly create an even stronger bond then ever before. Just remember to be confident in him that he’s not going to try and leave you for her and you both shall enjoy it, I’m almost positive.

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    March 26th, 2015 at 7:18 AM

    Hi Patience, Thanks for your comment. I do recommend seeking out professional help, to better understand how to support your husband. While it might not be a good idea to judge others, it is also just as important to know what your own values are, and what you are comfortable with within a relationship. Past history may or may not determine future behavior of otherwise but you may wish to clarify your own boundaries .

  • Moon

    May 2nd, 2015 at 1:23 PM

    Yes. I find that my sexual fantasies are similar to life experiences I’ve had to being sexually abused. I was sexually abused as a child by a relative. I have found that I will have fantasies about having sex with a relative,but usually the fantasy doesn’t depict an actual relative but another person being the relative. I also have had traumatizing experiences that I blocked out of my mind. I find that I will have what appears to be a fantasy, and then a few days later, I start to recall a past traumatic experience that is similar to the fantasy I was having. I realize afterwards I wasn’t having a fantasy, I was remembering a past event. I also had a past memory that had to do with a sexual experience I had in 1993. I was 16 in 1993, and I had lost my virginity to some boy. The problem is I blocked the memory of this experience out of my mind. He did not rape me,so I found it strange I blocked the experience out of my mind. I was being sexually abused at the time by a relative, and I believe the sexual experience with that guy brought up feeling that was connected to the sexual abuse so I blocked out the experience for 22 yrs.

  • Alice/14

    May 2nd, 2015 at 8:33 PM

    Is it normal/okay for a 14 year old girl to have fantasies?

  • Austin

    May 12th, 2015 at 6:34 PM

    Hi, I need help! Okay, so I’m currently 16 years old and I’m a gay male. Last year, I went to my first haunted house with my friend (girl; I don’t know if that’s important). And, there is this part in the house where everybody passes (I think) what they called a gay stripper (??) And I never talked to him, but I liked him. (He did NOT strip; just saying) and there was a point where I lost my friend and was lost myself and was coming out of a tunnel when I saw him roll by in his rollerskates. He saw me as well and rolled back to me and looked at me as he rolled away. That was in October. It is now May 12th and I get sexual fantasies about him and I’m constantly thinking about him.. Advice?

  • Alan

    May 19th, 2015 at 5:53 AM

    I must first apologise for the length of this post, but I hope that we can all learn something from it.

    Firstly, I am a male who probably has the fetish that probably beats all other fetishes for its oddity – “yeah-yeah”, I hear you all say, but please do read on!

    The background is that in 1954, I was taken from my natural mother at the age of six months, and, after being breast-fed by her, I was adopted by another couple who lived over 200 miles away.

    Now, this couple lived opposite a playing field, which had on it several football pitches, and, whilst being wheeled alongside this field in my perambulator by my adoptive mother, I noticed a tractor in the field, which had cab. This tractor was going at some speed (30mph+), and was dragging something that was flat along the ground behind it on the end of what looked like a rope.

    On a later occasion, whilst I was looking out of our front room window, I noticed that the tractor was now dragging whatever it was towards our house, and just before it reached the fence on the other side of the road, it turned and began to go away again, and, it was whilst this tractor was turning and was in a profile view that I first associated what to me were the similarity that the shape that the back of the cab and the back wheels were making and comparing it to the same shape made by a woman’s bottom when she is sitting upright. But it was what was this tractor’s ‘bottom’ was doing that caught my attention, as tied to it and on the end of what now looked like a dark plaited rope was something that looked distinctly like a wooden board, which was about 8ft wide by 6ft. This object was totally at the mercy of the tractor, and was being viciously dragged around and made to follow the its ‘bottom’ wherever it went. My feelings on witnessing this, was a mixture of both deep pleasure, and a sense of indignancy, injustice, and pity for the object that was being dragged around like that – Later that day, and again with the tractor in profile view, it stopped halfway across the field. A man in white shirtsleeves got out of the cab, and went round to very back of whatever it was that was being dragged. He then got down on one knee and began to fiddle around with it, before pushing it towards the tractor’s ‘bottom’. After he had done that, he got back in the cab and drove off again with the tractor still dragging the object behind it.

    The second part of my story on how I came to get my fetish concerned a painting called ‘The Boyhood of Raleigh’ which was painted by J.E.Millais. A copy of this painting hung in my bedroom – The painting depicts three figures, and for those of you who would care to study it concerns the figure on the left, and it is this figure that I associated with the tractor in the field. Firstly, the costume that she (I always thought that it was a girl) is wearing was the same colour as the tractor, i.e. a shiny dark green. The costume also accentuates the shape of her bottom. But pushed up against her bottom is another shiny green object (actually a hat with feathers), and the pose of this figure indicated to me (and still does) that she was having great pleasure in having this object against her bottom, and, with such a young mind beginning to play games with itself, I imagined that there must be some opening at the back of the costume, where this object was fastened directly onto her bottom!

    The third part of my story concerns the second girl that I was seriously attracted to at school at the tender age of eight. I was seated next to her on the floor one morning in assembly, when I noticed her looking over her shoulder at what was lying behind her. It was actually her skirt, which was laid flat out behind her bottom – She seemed to be enjoying seeing it like that and occasionally made adjustments to the material by pulling it out behind her!

    And so, through these three things my fetish was instilled into my brain, and, if I saw a tractor dragging something like a chain harrow, or a girl sitting with her skirt pulled out behind her bottom, I would become aroused.

    Deep inside though, and even though I was very young, I new that my fetish wasn’t part of normal loving behaviour between boys and girls. The result was that I developed a great sense of shame and embarrassment about the whole thing, which resulted in me keeping it a secret from everyone, until I met my now wife at the age of 16.

    The first thing I did with her was to try to encourage her to sit with her skirt pulled out behind her bottom, which, although she thought that I was some kind of weirdo, she went along with in private. I then told her that I wanted to actually tie something onto her bottom, and to my great surprise, she actually allowed me to do it, and to that end I actually made her a miniature board like the tractor was dragging, and fastened it directly into her bottom with a piece of string.

    For the next two years, although it was really wasn’t much to her liking, she went along with my desires. But I wasn’t able to tell her the full story about how I came to have my fetish until after we were living together in fear of her dumping me. The night when I did eventually get to tell her, I felt like I’d had my heart ripped out, but she was actually very sympathetic and understanding, and now knowing the full story she decided to stay with me.

    The first years of our marriage were quite a struggle, as I felt that my wife did not fully understand the importance of my fetish and sometimes understandably she found it quite hard to take part in it, and in 1986 I had a breakdown. After recovering from this, I decided that I was going to try to enjoy my fetish. My wife told me repeatedly that she wanted me to, even though she was still sometimes finding it quite hard. I actually made her a miniature chain harrow and tied that to her bottom as well, and I also actually made her a shiny green jacket for her to wear whilst she was dragging either her board or her harrow. I also made her with a shiny green satin circular rock and roll skirt and bought her a set of petticoats to go with it.

    I also bought her a beautiful wide full-length white dress, and in the nineties, I went the one final step, and had a costume made for her like the one in the ‘Millais’ painting. The ‘hat-like’ object was filled with soft stuffing material, and an opening was made at the back of the costume where her bottom was when she was wearing it. Four ‘poppers’ around the opening ensure that the hat that we now call her ‘whiskas’ is kept firmly against her bare bottom when I fasten it on to her!

    Although we are both currently in our early sixties, for me the shame and guilt about my fetish has continued until very recently. My wife and I have now both decided that we should treat my fetish as normal behaviour between us, and that we should both talk normally about it when we are alone. We have developed some ‘verbiage’ between us, but she is still finding it hard to use it. I also find that after 45 years together that I still have to initiate proceedings, something that if I am honest does still disappoint me quite a lot. I just live in the hope that one day she will be able to overcome this final hurdle and surprise me.

    My fetish is really a double one, and is the combination of Partialism (my infatuation with a woman’s bottom), and an inanimate fetish (the object being dragged behind that bottom). It has been imprinted in my brain by a combination of ‘Classical Conditioning and Behaviourism’, where both sexual stimulus and the fetish object have been presented to me at the same time, which has caused me to make a connection between them, ‘Imprinting’, in that it happened at a crucial point in my childhood, and ‘Displacement’, whereby I was not in receipt of the affection that I required from my adopted parents!

    Looking at it all now after all these years, having a fetish is nothing to be ashamed about providing you don’t broadcast the details of it to all and sundry, and also, providing it is legal and consensual, and most importantly of all, that so long as no-one gets hurt when you act it out, then if you find the right person who can act it out with you, it can lead to a much, much deeper and intimate bond between you and your partner. Indeed you will find that your bond will be much, much deeper than any couple that rely totally on ‘straight’ sex.

    Good luck everybody!

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    June 28th, 2015 at 5:12 AM

    If it’s gotten worse, you need to seek out professional help immediately.

  • LMK

    September 24th, 2015 at 11:14 AM

    I was wondering if anyone had a suggestion for me. I have a desire to see my husband with another woman. We have been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years. When I thought about it, it has been a hiddin desire for most of my marriage. I have talked about it with him. However before i go though with anything, i want to understand why I feel this way. Why i have always enjoyed him being wanted by others. I feel if i understand it more, i can make a btter decision. Does anyone know where i could get more info on this topic? Ive tried looking online but cannot really find anything. Thanks

  • Eric

    October 3rd, 2015 at 8:08 AM

    Im having a problem. My gf and I cannot figure it out. We both like to snort speed from time to time. Now I’ve never had any problems from this until recently. The last time we did it, I suddenly got the urge to wear tight stretchy denim? Or skinny jeans? After we sobered up, this urge was nonexistent. The following weekend though after I snorted another line the urge came back. We both can’t figure it out but it seems like after I snort a line now I get this urge to wear skinny, tight jeans. But when I sober up the idea is humiliating, and embarrasses the hell out of me. Could someone shed some light on this?

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    October 5th, 2015 at 6:02 AM

    Desiring your partner to sleep with someone else is a very common feeling. It can stem from wanting to feel desire for your partner again or from a need to be humiliated. You can look up things like “Compersion” or “Cuckolding” to learn more. Hope this helps.

  • Moushumi Ghose

    Moushumi Ghose

    October 5th, 2015 at 6:05 AM

    Eric, Methamphetamines heighten arousal, decreases inhibitions and increase the likelihood of engaging in risky sexual behavior. It is likely that your fantasy causes you some shame or embarrassment and thus is only present when you are high. Try talking about it when you are sober and see what comes up for you. When you are high you are 100% more likely to do things you otherwise would not.

  • Michael

    October 29th, 2015 at 1:13 PM

    I have sexual thoughts of my mom. I am adopted and was always raised with strick rules. I once as a kid saw her naked and i get off to it. Is this bad.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 29th, 2015 at 4:10 PM

    Dear Michael,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to discuss this with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage and search for a therapist or counselor.


    We wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • unknown

    November 8th, 2015 at 10:19 AM

    Hi so I go to work and theres these people I work with out of everyone I’m friends with this one guy thats 30 & I’m 18 . I meen he’s a very attractive man but he’s married .. So I just keep the ” Hey your attractive ” part to myself lol. After working with him for 5months, I just had a sex fantasie about him . when I woke up I couldn’t get him out of my head . & I can’t stop thinking about him. I wonder how its gonna be when I go to work..

  • cathy

    January 28th, 2016 at 10:22 AM

    ive been in a relationship with the same guy almost 4 yrs now he has totally taken my world away i live to hear from him be with him i guess im obcessed with him i try to live out every fantacy he has some are really disturbing but i know if i dont he will withdraw freeze up and i have to say i like it and want the same thing is this wrong he says its a fantacy yet i know he wants to lve out these fantacies in real lfe

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 28th, 2016 at 3:35 PM

    Dear Cathy,

    Thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we do encourage you to reach out. If you are concerned about aspects of intimacy in your relationship, it may help to speak to a mental health professional. They can help you address any concerns and will likely be able to help you explore ways to have a productive discussion with your partner on this topic.

    You can search for a therapist or counselor in your area by entering your ZIP code here:


    We wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Andrea

    March 9th, 2016 at 6:32 PM

    I’ve been seeing this guy for about 19 months now and the sex has always been amazing. We both love to role play and it really enhances our sex life. I’ve noticed though that the role playing only seems to happen when we both use methamphetamines. (adderal) We always do the same scenario which is, he wants to pretend he’s a young boy (around 12-13) and a virgin and I’m always the older woman. In real life he’s 28 about to 29 in April and I’m 31 about to turn 32 in May. At first it was always something similar to him being my daughters young boyfriend and I’m the hot mom or him being the young sexy boy neighbor and I’m the hot married neighbor.. etc. But recently, he took it a little further by wanting to pretend that we were related (cousins) again he was very young. During the role play he admits that he always had sexual fantasies about wanting to have sex with me, his hot older cousin. He also insist that I call myself a pedophile and a slut and/or whore. He has even played out this fantasy through sexting (sexual texting) he has even went as far as to send me a pic of another man who was very toned (6 pack abs) with sweat glistening down his abs. My question is.. is there some kind of relation between his fantasy and real life? Is it possible that maybe he was sexually abused by an older woman (possibly a cousin) at the young age of 12-13? I’m starting to think he was especially because of other behaviors he exhibits in every day life such as not being able to trust anyone, me especially. I’ve never done anything for him not to trust me. In fact, I have always been extremely honest with him. He gets very angry over little things and always isolates or distances himself from me so he can be alone. I’m worried now. I want to ask him but I don’t know how to approach him without scaring him off or thinking I think he’s a freak or weird. Can someone please help me?

  • Laura b

    July 11th, 2016 at 7:10 AM

    I am a catholic girl,age 15,and i finially made my First Holy Communion back on May 22.It was put off for a number of reasons from the normal age of 7.I was in the class with the 7 and 8 year olds and wore the poofy,top of the knees communion dress,veil,lace socks and white shoes and had the same cloth diaper,plastic pants and under shirt under my dress like the little girls wear.My boyfriend came to my party and saw me and thought i looked cute and little girlish.I dont know why,but i fantasized about him and i sneeking off somewhere and he taking my communion outfit off of me and making passionate love to me!

  • Trevor

    December 24th, 2016 at 6:34 AM

    To Laura B,from july 11th-My girlfriend brittany,is now 16,and was baptized last Easter when she was 15,at Easter vigil.Her and all the other preteen and teen girls were dressed in poofy white,short sleeve,top of the knees dresses with a bonnet on their heads and lace anklets and white shoes.I found out that brittany and all the other girls had a cloth diaper and plastic pants and tee shirt on under their baptism dresses and during brittany’s party,i put my hand under the back of her dress and felt the diaper and plastic pants and got very aroused!I wanted so much to take her off somewhere and strip her naked and have sex with her!

  • zena

    July 26th, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Hi there,

    I have a really awkward story and I do feel ashamed and disgusted. First off when I was a child i was sexually abused by a grandparent, a sibling and foster parents and from a very young age, youngest memory is being 5 years old and my grandparent rubbing my genitals in a car as he took me to a shop, he rubbed my genitals a lot and the family must have knew as he would often take me alone or sit me on his knee and do it as they were out of the room for a moment. In the end he ultimately came on my vagina although he never entered me, he asked me to say i liked it and I did being scared to do anything else, but this is just one story. I feel i have always been a sexual target and like it is my fault in some way and I have done masses of work on myself had psychotherapy and discussed a lot of this at length. These are the basis of my sexuality anyhow. Through my life i have attached very passionately to men and was promiscuous as a teen and have never really seen many boundaries, eventually i self diagnosed as bpd, got help but was never given any firm confirmation of any personality or mental disorder, although i still very much align with bpd sufferers as i would cause scenes and things with ex’s and in patterns. I can see it all now! After many years of suffering in this way with unhealthy relationships i divorced and tok a step back got therapy and have spent a long period alone, about 2 years. I have had a one night stand and i was seeing a man for a frew months during this time so i have had some sex, but my sister, who was adopted not brought up in my family has a boyfriend, he is loyal to her and he always said he gets on well with me to her, and she will often praise that and likes us all to hag around have a drink weekends together. My sister and I had a fallout over a silly text, in the few weeks we were not speaking her boyfriend came around to talk with me, which was nothing new and my sister was well aware he does this, he would just visit if they had a row or things were difficult as i am pretty much only family member he has a relationship with. Unfortunately he made an advance, and even stated he thinks me and him are gonna be together, i am strong and did not have any feelings at all like that for him and i respect my sister so i was just instantly like No what is in your mind, that was that. He came again and even though i made it clear it is never going to happen and he seemed to honestly back off and agree it is wrong he made the advance again. I considered totally not seeing my sister again as i thought wow how can i face her knowing he has done this, yet she is very defensive and often states he would never cheat so i am aware she would just blame or disbelieve and i know men, he would lie and blame me if cornered say it was other way around, so I left it. Got back talking with my sister happily and we went out and then returned to her house, her boyfriend was there and i thought now men and my sister are talking he wont do that again he was just feeling low and pushing his luck, but no, when my sister went upstairs he kept touching my hair r and then he put his arms around me, at this point i felt same sexual arousal, and i felt really bad about it, so i swiftly made a move told him i am going and to stop it as quiet as i could and left, i do not want to hurt my sister, or him as i get on with them both well as a couple, so telling her feels like a no. Yet my main issue is since that day i have been fantasising about having sex with him so much i cannot get it off my mind, and i am feeling really aroused, to the point i was fantasising about having sex with him and encourage him to get my sister involved in the act, and my mind has been going dark places and i am really word if he comes anywhere near me i am going to end up having sex with him. I feel disgusted in myself i have never wrote on a forum before, despite my horrific past, but this is just to scary and self destructive. I have no idea how to stop the train of feelings stirring in me because now i really feel like i am considering sleeping with my sister boyfriend and it is just so not smart i am aware, very.

  • Kain

    August 23rd, 2016 at 5:37 AM

    I’m in my later 20’s and a man. I’m in a loving, committed relationship with my girlfriend right now, but I can’t seem to stop fantasizing about other women as well. My girlfriend has even offered for us to enjoy threesomes together, because she wants to please me and she thinks it would really turn her on as well. What bothers me quite a bit, however, is that I have fantasized about students I have taught before in school as I used to teach. I just feel really turned on by the idea of them having sex with me…but then I immediately feel guilt and shame and less connection to my girlfriend and even to myself afterwards. I just don’t know what is “normal” and I don’t know what to do about it all. It’s not ruining my relationship with my girlfriend right now, but I don’t want these urges to get worse as I age. I know I will never have sex with someone underage, but the fantasy does drive me crazy a bit. Is it a case of just wanting what I cannot have and can it be that easily explained away? Thank you for your comments and thoughts.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 23rd, 2016 at 8:06 AM

    Hi Kain,
    Thank you for reaching out and seeking more information. Please note that GoodTherapy.org is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, treatment, medical treatment, psychotherapy, counseling, or mental health services.

    Working with a trained, qualified therapist may help you find answers to your questions and learn more about the issues and impulses you’re describing. You can search for a therapist in your area on the GoodTherapy.org directory here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Wishing you all the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Eric M

    November 29th, 2016 at 3:07 AM

    My wife in the past did not like fire play because she was burned in an accident when she was a child. She finally admitted to me that she wanted to tape paper matches to my body and light them one by one so they flare up, burning me, then she puts them out with a wet wash cloth.

  • Corina

    January 17th, 2017 at 5:24 AM

    Why am l more interested in peeing my jeans than having sex with a man is it to do with being autistic so l am childish in my head l am 58.

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