What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?
April 13th, 2010
By Mou Wilson, MFT, Sexuality / Sex Therapy Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Mou and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Believe it or not, everyone has some secret desire, fantasy, or even fetish that brings on arousal and turns us on in the bedroom, or otherwise. For some of us, our fantasies work best when used alone. We thus prefer to use the fantasy as personal experience on our own, and don’t find the need to share it with others. Others of us strive and have a strong urge to share our fantasy or fetish, to live it out and to act it out with our partners and with others. Finally there are those of us who have trouble swallowing the content of our desires, feel confused about its meaning and are thus conflicted about our fantasies and fetishes.
Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what is turning us on is common in our society. We want to know, why do I feel this way? And where does this come from? The short answer is this, our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the very stimuli/stimulus which we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub, may thus pair arousal with water and bathing, and thus might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother, or who feels ostracized a lot by her peers may have fantasies about being dominated as an adult.*
What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Childhood sexuality though a completely natural part of development is often ignored in our culture, shunned or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts, and desires. No explanations are given and nothing is talked about. But remembering that sexual curiosity is a normal and natural part of a healthy child’s development an innocent desire of a child to explore, and feel pleasure, can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences, which in turn may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires and arousals.
Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the one who worries about having too many responsibilities in his/her daily life may fantasize about completely dominated and controlled in bed, or the woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a sexual dominatrix. The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by it’s polar opposite, which could be presenting it’s face in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. This is not to say that the individual who fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed is thus weak and helpless in real life. In fact the opposite is quite true. Our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life, whether past or present and when we break them down and take a much closer look, we will see that they are a normal reaction to some set of our own life experiences.
Reference:
Dixit, Jay. Psychology Today, April 2010, p. 47.
Read More
Seven Steps for Talking Your Way to a Better Sex Life
Marilyn Monroe: Sexual Symbol or Sexual Victim?
Going up? Or down? Channeling Sexual Energy
©Copyright 2010 by Moushumi Ghose, MFT, therapist in West Hollywood, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
You are right when you say that childhood sexuality is seen as something wrong and something unnatural in most societies today. When I was growing up,my dad sat down with me and answered questions about sex whenever I had any…he did not just brush them aside…this was fine with me. But then i found out that not all parents do that and that the lack of such clearing from the parents’ side often leads the child into looking for answers from his peers or the internet or other sources and this can often be dangerous!
I’m gonna really have to give this one some thought. Don’t know that I really have any fantasies or if I did how they would relate to growing up.
I do not quite like talking about my sexual fantasies with other people but after reading this article here,I think there really is a relation between the kind of sexual fantasies we have and our life…there is clearly a pattern and I’m pretty sure it is the same with most other people.
KT,
Childhood sexuality is often hard to address and talk about. There is a lot of fear around the subject of childhood sexual abuse which is the coercion of sex with a child by an adult or by someone of a significant age difference. We should recognize that sexual play between children of mutual age (and also same sex) is common, natural and expected, and should not be punished or chastised. Shutting down children’s sexuality by shaming, shunning and/or making them feel guilty can lead to many other sexually related dysfunctions later on. A great book about childhood sexuality is “Sex, Therapy and Kids,” By Sharon Lamb.
I agree entirely with your final comment that our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life. I have a wonderful relationship with my wife, including an excellent sex life. But I sometimes feel inadquate and “unworthy”. Consequently, when I do fantasize (usually during masturbation) I can never visualise myself as a participant, relying on mental images of my wife with other male partners to arouse me. Do you think this linked to my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy? Is this a common phenomenon?
I am a straight(?) female but have always fantasized about big breasts with big nipples. Is this because I did not receive enought nurturing from my mother? Does it mean I am gay? I love men and do not desire a relationship with a woman. I do not want to be with women sexually, only men. Am I normal? Is this type of fantasy a common one? I have been tortured by shame and guilt about this all my life.
Contrary to what others think, sexual fantasies do not always have to be naughty nor indecent, as long as they are controlled and provided that their sexual partners agree to what they want.
Well written, but I’m not sure if it’s true for everyone. Since age 9 and 2 months I have fantasised about BDSM, torture, pants peeing/pooping, forced cross-dressing/sissification and forced diapering of boys and drew and wrote many stories and comics about this. At 17 girls featured in these fantasies also. I also fantasised of prostitution/selling virginity. I can’t see how any of this correlates to my life at age 9 in an educated, fairly conservative but equality-oriented family. I’m also polyamorous and love SM – I’m a switch (ie I like spanking/torturing guys but also like them to do it to me.)
Even though there was the 1960s sexual revolution of which my parents missed and sex and porn are easy to access from the media it seems that has nothing to do with reality. Sexual fantasies make life more interesting but I can’t share them with anyone, most all my husband who learned about sex from porn and messing around with high school girlfriend. His parents are the most asexual people I’ve ever met. I’m not sure how they conceived my husband and his sister!I can’t believe the repression that still goes on so much so indulge in fantasies as they make things bearable
Thanks for all your comments!
Hi, I am about get marry in few months, but recently my boyfriend open with me about his sexual fantasy, he said that sometimes while we have sex he wants fantasize with other girls, because it will give him more pleasure, he says could be my best friend or even my sister…. I said him is OK since is only a “fantasy” but he feel better when I allow him to do it, he even asked me to show him my sexy friends and sister pictures so he can turn on… He also admitted me that he masturbate thinking about my sister… This really bother I am not that much open mind, and I am about get marry, I don´t want this become a problem for us after marriage, ah he also told me he is ok if I think about others guys during sex only to get more please.
I really need a good advice.
Lillian,
I feel like with all this stuff going on in and you’re about to get married, getting some premarital counseling couldn’t hurt to help define long term and short term goals and make sure you and your boyfriend have the same expectations going forward. It will be a much bigger mess to clean up later, it’s always good to get a head start and solve problems before they happen by coming up with some agreements.
Moushumi Ghose
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