Becoming Psychologically Healthy
February 11th, 2009 |
By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT
Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
We sometimes believe that if we are “good” people, good things will happen to us. This is not entirely true. While some people are intrinsically better at certain skills such as making money, having relationships that work, or making art than others, it has nothing to do with their inherent worth. Instead, it has to do with innate ability, effort, intent and which talents we chose to develop.
Let’s look at making money first. I know a wonderful social worker. He is a kind person and helps many children. He may never make more than his social worker salary, which although adequate, is not a lot of money. The money he makes is dictated by his career choice. Perhaps he will someday write a book or lecture and increase his ability to make money, but this is not predicated by his being a good person, but by the skills he chooses to develop that are moneymaking skills.
The same is true for psychological health. Most people I know who are now psychologically healthy, were at some point in their lives in a compromised emotional and psychological position. They chose to take responsibility for their self-limiting behaviors and beliefs or past damage (even if it was not their fault) and develop new ways of being. They chose to seek help and do the work of altering how they engaged with the world. They were “good” people before they did this, but they were not healthy. They had old wounds that had not fully healed. They may have been overly reactive, or let people mistreat them. They may have mistreated their loved ones, or have been anxious or depressed.
Although we have to play the hand we were dealt and come to grips with our talents and our deficiencies, we can chose to develop skills and awareness that will enable us to create the life we want. If we want to be joyful, and free of depression and anxiety, if we want functioning relationships with others and ourselves, we may need to look at how we create ourselves historically and currently. As we become more self-aware, we can start to change who we are, how we see ourselves and show up in the world.
To give a quick example: a common issue I notice in working with people is how hard they are on themselves. How a person talks to him or herself is often very negative. When something difficult happens to them, their inner dialogue goes something like this. “You are so stupid” or “Why’d you do that?” These inner voices may come from trauma or the past, or from how somebody else treated us.
It is impossible to live a life of joy and ease if your inner dialogue is negative rather than self-supportive. These voices can be changed and this change is a choice. Instead say to yourself “It will be okay”, “That was really hard”, or “I need to be gentle with myself”. Positive self-talk is a step to becoming healthier and happier. It is your choice to develop skills and tools to improve your life, rather than hold onto the illusion that things will be okay because you are a good person. We are valuable whether or not we have good psychological skills, but these skills enable us to change our lives.
©Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
But how can you get to the point where those inner voices are kind even when you know that you have done bad things? Is that the point where you have to seek therapy in order to work all of that out so that you can find a way to be kind to yourself once again?
The Dalai Lama has said:
1. Be a good human being, a warm-hearted affectionate person.
2. A compassionate state of mind brings inner peace, and therefore a healthy body.
3. Change only takes place through action. Not through prayer or meditation, but through action.
Many good things come to us simply by “being” a good person. Good actions give us good things to say about ourselves that “write over” the old dyfunctional tapes in our minds and hearts.
We would all do well to take more of what the Dalai Lama holds to be the truth and the way and put those statements into more practice in our own lives. I read those three steps above and of course it all make sense. Those are the ways to happiness and health. Have affection for others, be compassionate as it bodes compassion from others, and act to make things happen. It seems so simple, yet so hard to enact when it comes right down to it. Why is that? Is it because we all strive to make things more difficult than they really have to be?
Call me an oldie but I believe that being happy and contented comes from very few things. It comes from being a good person within and without, connecting with nature and animals in a positive way, taking time for self introspection, being a responsible person and not being curious about the weird or self-indulgent things that other people do. Being happy in your own skin is half the psychological wellness.
It’s important to be happy with who you are. All of us are unique and we need to appreciate that. Not judging others helps keep our head light. It’s also important to try to stay responsible and right. I have always taken time for self introspection and solitude. The company of nature can be a big eye-opener sometimes.
It’s ok to be unique but not unique enough to become a serial killer. Some people just keep forgiving themselves and trying to live down the guilt of doing wrong. That is dangerous.
I am so glad for being me. I dont want to be anyone else and I think that is the key to happiness. :)
I think the zen of life is in being you. I believe God created us to be us not Brad Pitt or Warren Buffett.