A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T.

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I had a long talk the other day with someone who wanted to understand more about this odd word: “power differential.” Since he associated power with, in his words, “power OVER and force and nasty hierarchies.” It is very important to him to think of us all as equal. Of course, I agreed with him about the fact that we are all equal in our humanity and in our right to be treated with respect and kindness. So, I wondered how I could break down the power differential idea into something that would be more agreeable and understandable to him. Power Differential actually covers a lot of territory. So, in our conversation, we began to break it down into smaller differential chunks. There are role differentials, age differentials, maturity differentials, education and training differentials, income differentials. We could go on. Naming and understanding these differentials, and be this I mean differences, the question becomes not one of over or under, but rather whenever you are on the “more or greater” side of the differential, what are your responsibilities and opportunities?

For and overly simple example, when I am caring for a child, I am on the older side of the age differential. The child is equal to me in humanity and right to be treated with respect and kindness, but it is my responsibility to set good boundaries, keep the child safe, healthy and fed, and my opportunity to provide love and set a good example. Doing this requires me to use the wisdom that has come from my greater number of years and experiences. If I become a child myself or expect the child to respond the way those of my peers respond, I can inadvertently cause the child a lot of harm. Since the definition of power is “the ability to have an affect,” this age difference is also an example of a power differential.

In our conversation we talked about the other differentials listed above. The role differential is the most complex and the one referred to as an ethics issue. Called the power differential because of the actual and potential impact of the role on the client. For example, the one in the power-up role position bears performance assessment responsibilities of all sorts as well as responsibility for making numerous decisions about work and work load. The way in which these responsibilities are carried out can cause harm. The nature of the relationship is also affected by this position power differential. For example, the client or employee may feel too much at job risk to offer the power-up person feedback that might be difficult to hear.

My friend felt much more at ease after this conversation when he understood the power differential to be less about power over and more about owning and being sensitive to the responsibilities and opportunities, and even freedoms, that accompany differentials of all sorts, and especially professional ones.

There’s an old saying: “The fish are the last to discover water.” Often those in positions of authority are the last to discover the power differential.
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A number of people responded to my last posting about change. I’d like to share a few.

Tony says: Easier said than done. When your family thinks you are a controlling person, any change is met with criticism and that to me is one of the biggest hurdles to becoming a new you. Sometimes people in our lives don’t expect us to change for the better. That can be pretty tough to deal with. Cedar replies: You’re right. I’m sorry it’s been so tough for you. I trust that even though others are criticizing, you feel better about yourself. You are changing for yourself, not just for others. People tend to get used to the way they have experienced you. Even if they don’t like it, it’s familiar. You put a new ingredient into the soup and the whole soup changes.

Interestingly, Derrick now speaks for the other possibility. Sometimes people in the family are very supportive of changes that you are making. Sounds like you made it very clear to them that you were putting the effort into changing: I have been married 30 years now and only 5 years back I hauled myself to therapy to change my controlling nature. I am a grandfather and I thought people wouldn’t be bothered. My family has seen me through this. It definitely makes a lot of difference when people know you don’t want to be a stubborn old mule and intend to turn a new leaf.

Brent adds: It is so hard to change the only way you have ever known, but I am trying and applaud others who are out there doing the exact same things. It IS hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but once you make the committment to yourself and your family, the payoff is well worth the effort! Cedar replies: “Bravo, Brent.’

Amy says: Most times people who wield power can’t be told they are overpowering. It’s very difficult when you have to bell the cat. It’s easier if they realise they need help. Cedar replies: You bet, Amy. Please refer to the last paragraph of this article. Remember the cat can be belled. It takes strategy, skill, sensitivity, and collaboration with others. You can wield your own kind of power.

And in closing, here is a wise and inspiring piece from Nina. Thank you so much for this, Nina: We are all so fragile, and this is a good place to begin, as it is an essential Truth that we all share. Once we are able to appreciate the intelligence of our sensitivity, we can come to a condition of practiced compassion and gentle kindness for our Selves and others.
Our sensitivity is what educates us to the Truth of what is going on outside of us and inside of us. Our feelings tell us what is up on our insides and on our outsides. That being said we are all in this together….

Below are a few suggestions that have worked for clients in power struggles:

#1. Everyone is doing the best they can! A controlling person is that way for a reason. He/she learned to be controlling as a way to get through life. If one is in a practice of compassion and sensitivity, one can attempt to change the discomfort of controlling dynamics by naming how the relationship is uncomfortable by using “I” statements. (Remember blame creates resistance).

#2. In healthy relationships, we always get to practice basic ‘rights’ of expression in order to be safe, healthy and happy.
If your “I” statement doesn’t work for the controller…that’s not your problem… Take some distance from the relationship in order to feel safe.

#3. You are in charge of you, first. Truth creates a clear field that supports change.

And lastly, for those of you who feel that your family environment doesn’t allow for much change… know that even the smallest change has a ripple effect. Be patient and do the right thing…. for yourself and for the greater good. There are few sources of happiness greater than the path of non-harm. We all get to be happy… that’s why the feeling exists!
I wish you all Peace.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile