Toddler Taming
January 27th, 2010
By Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc., Parenting Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Little kids get into a surprising amount of mischief. They throw toys down the toilet, pull things out of the garbage, have major tantrums in public shopping malls, bite their babysitters and other unfortunate people, squeeze their baby brother so hard that it is life threatening, and so on. Though I must say, they are so darn cute to look at!
Anyway, the question is what can parents do about all this. Children under three years old are very hard to discipline. They often find angry parents amusing. Of course, it is rather amusing that a two year old can make a full grown adult turn red in the face and lose control, but it is odd that small children can often laugh out loud about it. Unless their parents are abusive, the toddler doesn’t necessarily have fear of the adult. He or she can remain unimpressed by the show of parental frustration. As a result, the youngster doesn’t change the undesirable behavior.
Toddlers are also often immune to punishment. Many parents send their two year old to a time-out location (crib, thinking chair, etc.) for being rough with the new baby. However, when you ask the parents whether this punishment has stopped the toddler from being rough, they’ll invariably say “no.” Somehow, these very small people don’t make the connection between the time-out and the importance of changing the behavior that preceded it.
One thing strategy that does work with toddlers, however, is the judicious use of attention. Toddlers love attention. In fact, that is partly why they don’t stop doing those behaviors that their parents are screaming about. The screaming and upset, lecturing and gesturing, combined with intense glares and such, all provide huge doses of attention. The child wants that attention, negative though it is, and so will immediately go and do the misbehavior again!
Smart parents can use attention to shape their toddlers behavior. The trick is to give large doses of attention only when the child is engaged in the desirable behavior. For instance, suppose a toddler is squeezing the baby too hard. The untrained parent might start talking at that point: “Don’t hurt the baby! Just touch him gently – look at his face, he’s crying,” and so on and so forth. This is the WRONG time to be talking to the toddler! Try not to talk to toddlers when they’re doing the wrong thing. Instead, the parents could go up to the toddler, take his hand and move the hand softly over the baby’s body, NOW talking to the toddler: “See how nicely you are touching the baby! You’re so gentle and soft with him. You’re such a good big brother. The baby likes this so much! See the baby looking at you?” and so on . The trick is to use lots of words, lots of eye contact, lots of expression and volume and affect – when the toddler is engaged in the desirable behavior.
For every “misbehavior” write down the target or desirable behavior. Then either wait for the target behavior to occur spontaneously or help to make it happen (as in the above example) AND GIVE YOUR TODDLER LOTS OF POSITIVE ATTENTION. This technique really works to encourage appropriate behaviors and discourage inappropriate ones. When the toddler needs correction right away (which will happen sometimes), make sure to limit the number of words you use to five or less (no lectures, speeches, long explanations and so forth), speak in a very quiet tone of voice and barely look at the child. Only do all this if, for some reason, the child must be dealt with immediately. Otherwise, it is preferable to say nothing at the time and just wait for the opportunity to give attention to the opposite, appropriate behavior. Remember, attending to the desirable behavior is the most important “discipline” technique for very young children.
©Copyright 2010 by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed.,C.Psych.Assoc., therapist in Toronto, ON. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
My son also suffered from the above problems. But was managle when strict action was taken.
Kids may be prone for these kinda off actions to grab parents attention.
I like the idea of giving such praise and positive attention when the child is exhibiting the type of behavior that you want to see. For some kids any attention even negative is better than none at all so they will keep doing the things that get them into trouble just because someone is paying attention to him or her. It is like my mom always said- with kids you have to choose your battles wisely because everything can’t be a fight. If it does become that way then to the kids it is all meaningless and they will go on doing exactly what they want to do with no fear of the repercussions.
I agree with cooper .
I think the kids should be put into toddler managing schools where they can learn atmost mannerism.
I agree with jenny my kids were very notorious .The toddler day care centre helped me a lot with my child issues.
I found the above article quite helpful .Thanks
I agree the day care centre are quiet helpful but I guess the attention of parents is what our kids are indiacting at .
They are kids doing the things that all kids do! If you do your job right when they are growing up then they will do their job right when they get older. True?
it is a universal truth that if we insist on kids that they dont do a particular thing they will surely do it. so the best way forward would be to strike a balance and tell them what is acceptable and what is inacceptable behavior so that they do not go against it.
“Otherwise, it is preferable to say nothing at the time and just wait for the opportunity to give attention to the opposite, appropriate behavior. Remember, attending to the desirable behavior is the most important “discipline” technique for very young children.”
What I hear you saying here is let them get away with the bad stuff. Say nothing? At all? You’re joking.
If you don’t say anything, how can you expect them to know when they are doing the wrong thing? Is it not better to both chastise them (at a lesser degree of intensity than getting all red-faced) and to praise them when they do it right?
Thanks for the article, Sarah. I totally agree about the attention being key. My son hated and I mean hated not getting attention when he was a toddler. I often used the silent treatment on him when he misbehaved. What do you feel about that method? In hindsight I think it wasn’t good way to handle him.
Toddlers are hard, hard work! Any parent that gets them past the terrible twos deserves a medal. I enjoyed the article! Thank you for sharing that.
What if the toddler is deliberately hurting the baby out of jealousy? My friend’s had awful problems for about a month with her two year old hitting and pinching their six month old when her back’s turned. She takes him away from the baby and he just goes right back and does it again another day any time he thinks he’ll get away with it.
She’s demented between sleepless nights and trying to potty train him too. I was wondering if you would still recommend the same thing or if there would be a better route to go in that situation Sarah.
I found a star chart was a fantastic tool with mine. We had it on the fridge and bought multicolored stars. The little one got to choose which star she got at the end of the day if she’d been good and put it on the chart. She would be so proud when grandmas and aunties would make a big fuss over how many she had!
I would never have believed it would work because she was a stubborn little thing too. Even just saying there would be no star at bedtime could stop her from misbehaving. A solid week of stars equaled a small treat.
What are you so proud of, Jacquie? You bribed your child to behave. I threatened mine with a spanking and if they didn’t say how high when I said jump, they got it. Y’all are too soft on your kids. If they ain’t disciplined before school age, they run wild and break your heart. Spare the rod, spoil the child.
My kids turned out just fine before y’all start mouthing off about spanking.
Bribery? No, Ginger. I was reinforcing good behavior, thanks very much. We’re talking about a dollar store toy or a Happy Meal. It was never an extravagant gift. She wasn’t spoiled. I didn’t need to resort to spanking and I don’t see restraining myself from hitting a child that’s knee high as being too soft.
Adults get rewarded when they do good work with bonuses, don’t they? It’s the same principle.
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