By Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc., Parenting Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Here is one easy parenting tool that will change your life. It will also change your child’s life – his or her entire life – for the better. It is called The 80-20 Rule.

The 80-20 Rule is a “magic” ratio. It is the ratio that lays the foundation for an excellent relationship between you and your child. It is the ratio that builds and maintains ALL of your parenting power. Simply put, this ratio is the ratio that creates a solid enough bond between child and parent that the child wants to cooperate with the parent, wants to please the parent, doesn’t want to disappoint the parent, and wants to be like the parent – accepting the values and lessons that the parent wishes to impart.

Children who aren’t solidly attached to their parents, and particularly those who don’t like their parents, no longer desire to cooperate with them, no longer care about pleasing or displeasing them, no longer accept their values and lessons – in fact, this group may reject what their parents have to offer and may actively work to be nothing at all like their parents. When older teens and adult children fail to form a strong attachment to their parents they may withdraw from the relationship altogether. There are many adults who have virtually no relationship with parents who they don’t like. For parents, this represents not only a loss of their child, but also a likely loss of their grandchildren as well.

Show What’s in Your Heart

But how does it happen that a child comes to dislike his parents? Most parents, after all, really love their children. The problem is that the love parents feel in their hearts isn’t necessarily conveyed minute by minute during a parenting hour. How much love do YOU convey in the morning rush hour to get the kids off to school? From 7 – 8 a.m. are you a fountain flowing with positive, loving attention? How about during the dinner hour or the homework hour or the bath & bedtime hour? If there was a video camera recording your every facial expression, movement and spoken words during each of those parenting hours, and the film was later analyzed minute by minute to determine whether your communication to your child was positive or not so, what would ratio be? When most of parental communication consists of giving instructions, corrections, reprimands, threats and punishments – “somehow” a child gets the feeling that he isn’t liked or loved very much. And once the child gets that feeling, he starts to dislike his parent. Once the child steps back from the parent, the parent loses the power to be a positive influence on him.

Become a Conscious Communicator

The 80-20 Rule prevents the disintegration of the parent-child relationship. In fact, it ensures that you will have a warm, loving relationship with your child and that you will consequently maintain the parenting power that is required in order to be able to effectively guide and raise your child. The 80-20 Rule is the ratio of “good-feeling” (GF) communications to “not-so-good-feeling” (NSGF) communications from parent to child. GF communications feel good to the child. When a parent says something like, “would you like some candy?” this will most likely be a GF communication to his or her child. On the other hand, when a parent says something like, “if you don’t stop teasing your brother you’ll have to leave the room,” this will most likely be a NSGF communication from the child’s point of view. You’ll need to offer 8 out of 10 (4 to 1) good feeling communications in order to create and maintain a positive life-long bond with your youngster. Smiles, affectionate touch, positive feedback, joking, offering treats and favorite foods, talking about the weather, greetings, affectionate names, and any other warm, positive types of communication tend to feel good to kids. NSGF communications include things like instructions (unfortunately – because parents give a lot of them!), criticism, correction, lectures, any sign of irritation or anger, lack of attention, threats, punishment, and even the parent’s own bad mood or arguments with other people that the child can overhear.

Try taping yourself tomorrow morning to track what you actually sound like, sentence by sentence. Try to have 4 good-feeling sentences for every 1 not-so-good feeling one. And if your kids are teenagers – that ratio has to be 90-10. And if you want to try it out on your spouse, for an immediately improved marriage, make it 95-5! Now just keep it up for the rest of your life and you’ll be delighted with the results of your efforts!

©Copyright 2009 by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile