Parenting Coordination is a Good Choice for Separating or Divorcing Parents
August 18th, 2008 |
By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Click here to contact Chesley and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children?
Most children are confused, afraid, hurt, sad, angry, and anxious when they sense or are told about their parents’ divorce. Interestingly, these are the same emotions that their parents often experience during the divorce process. It is no secret that there are many possible negative effects children experience both during and after a divorce. These negative effects are exacerbated when parents are fighting over “custody” and minimized when parents make parental decisions together, out of sincere concern for their children’s needs. The list of potential negative effects is long and includes:
•Sadness and depression
•Anger, aggression, and acting out
•Opposition and non-compliance
•Impulsivity
•Perceived parental loss
•Less parental supervision, consistent discipline and/or contact
•Loss of extended family relationships
•Lower academic achievement
•Interpersonal conflict
•Economic difficulty
•Stress
•Lower self-concept
•Problems with social adjustment
What Does A “Custody Battle” Do To Families? (Promotes War)
Many divorcing parents deny that the soon to be ex-spouse is still part of their family. However, the fact that they have divorced does not end the parenting relationship. Even though they do not live together, they often have contact in relation to the children at least until the youngest child is eighteen and often longer. In a custody battle, the parents are trying to “prove” which parent is the best parent, instead of each parent being the best parent they can be. Instead of managing their negative emotions and working together to find the best ways to utilize both parents’ strengths, parents often put their children in the middle and play “tug-a-war”. As this legal war goes on each parent uses their time, energy, and resources to “fight” in court over who is the best. As they do this, they often belittle and try to discredit the other parent. What are the messages children getting from this “parental behavior”? Children learn:
•To discredit others
•To be secretive
•To not trust one or both parents
•To get your way at all costs
•To hide the fact that they love the other parent
•The list goes on and on
How Can Parenting Coordination Help? (Promotes Peace)
In almost every case, it is better for children to have continued contact with both parents. In every case it is best for children to be free of parental conflict. The fact that the parenting coordinator is impartial and therefore not aligning with either parent is paramount in the effectiveness of the parenting coordination process. This neutrality promotes a safe environment for parents. In this safe environment parents can put aside and manage the pain, disappointment, fear, anxiety, and grief associated with separation and divorce long enough to negotiate parenting solutions that not only utilizes the strengths of both parents but also keep the needs of the children as a top priority. During the parenting coordination process a skilled mental health professional uses skills learned over many years of education and experience to help parents:
•Manage their emotions
•Communicate more effectively
•Learn about impacts of conflict on children
•Learn about children’s developmental needs
•Negotiate appropriate post-divorce or separation boundaries
•Identify their children’s needs
•Identify mutually agreeable parenting goals
•Brainstorm options to meet goals
•Evaluate options to reach agreements within legal guidelines
With a signed consent for exchange of information, the parents and the parenting coordinator are free to communicate with the parent’s legal council to exchange any necessary information. This freedom is helpful as it comes time for the parenting coordinator to record written agreements, in such a way as to make drafting of the final documents more efficient. Once the parenting coordinator has helped the parents come up with agreements that fit their family’s needs, he/she forwards the information to both attorneys.
An added benefit of the parenting coordinator is her/his availability through the years as the family’s needs change. When children’s needs change or if conflict arises between the parents, the same parenting coordinator, knowing the background and how their agreements were reached, can be available to consult with the parents to re-negotiate agreements instead of starting a law suit.
When Is Parenting Coordination Best Utilized?
Parenting coordination can be chosen by the parents, on their own, or at the request of their attorneys at any point in the divorce or separation process. Beginning the process sooner allows for greater potential to minimize negative effects. However, it is also beneficial after parents have already spent countless hours and many resources in a “custody battle”. When parents are ordered by the court to engage in parenting coordination, there is still much potential for improved outcomes for the family. So, when is parenting coordination best utilized? The answer put simply is: the sooner the better but anytime is better than not at all!
©Copyright 2008 by Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Chesley and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Therapist New York
14 comments so far
hi,
i think It’s important for both parents to let the children know that they were not the cause of the divorce . Kids need to know that they are still loved by both parents.
I have seen many instances of divorce where the divorcing couple can barely even stand to look at each other any more much less work out an agreement that will do no more harm to the children. They do not want to be family anymore regardless of the parenting relationship that they are still going to share for the rest of their lives and that of the children. How do you work through situations like this? In theory this collaboration would be great in every case but I do not think that the way divorce is currently structured that this is a possibility for all couples. It is sad and unfortunate though because the ones who continually are hurt by this are the kids.
There are so many cases of divorce that I see where I just want to tell the couple to grow up! They in no way realize the damage they are doing to their children- it simply becomes all about them and their wants and needs. If they were really thinking about the children there would not even be any need for these collaboration models. They would find it within themselves to rise above all of their personal hurt and anger and think of the children first.
If the court orders something to be done there is still no guarantee that there will be full cooperation on the part of both parties. There may still be some hesitation, some feeling that one side is going to do better in the custody agreement than the other. Look, divorce is a very painful experience for everyone involved, but there is no party that will hurt more than the children will. There has to be something to keep them out of harm’s way and although this is no clear cut guarantee it still seems to be one of the best choices possible. I just hope that there are parents and attorneys out there who will recognize the benefits of a program like this before subjecting their kids and the rest of a family to some long and extended divorce dispute that seems to never end.
This sounds like a great plan. It gives people going through divorce a communication outlet that has not always been available. Hopefully this will make it a more amicable proceeding for many families.
I work with a lady on a daily basis who constantly still argues with her ex husband of more than 7 years over the custody agreement. It gets tiring for me to have to hear about it all the time, so I can only imagine how the kids feel. They understandably feel torn between two parents whom I am sure they both love and they try to make everything OK but it is not their job to have to try and do that. Somehimes I just want to tell her to shut up and grow up!
In theory this all sounds great but what about those parties whose only aim is to hurt the other partner? There is no way they will agree to something as rational as this because it simply will not cause the great amount of emotional damage which they are seeking. I know this sounds awful but I have known people like this who have gone through divorces that were bitter and nasty, and the only leverage they felt that they had were their children. They used the kids as weapons, and withheld them for the same reasons.
That is sad isn’t it? Hopefully in those cases there will be competent jusdges and attorneys who can work hard to keep everyone on a more sane and rational path.
Well we can hope for the best but that does not always seem to be the case. Sometimes it seems that judges and attorneys do not want to rock the boat so they try to ruffle as few feathers as possible. That really aggravates me. In the long run it would be better to have a strong person in this authority role step in and deal with couples who are being uncooperative and are presenting an emotional danger to their kids now and further down the road. Sometimes the legal system just baffles me!
And yet many times the legal system is the only recourse we have. We have to continue supporting it in hopes that they will finally get things right before too much damage is done. Maybe there should be a legal requirement that couples have to go through this coordination program when getting a divorce.
When two people who have been married cannot even sit down and coordinate a favorable custody arrangement and an amicable divorce then there is something def wrong..
But you would be amazed at how common this is. I am actually a divorce attorney who handles coordination programs like this and you would not believe how difficult it can be to get two grown adults to just sit down and listen to one another occassionally! It can be very frustrating for everyone involved but can be so rewarding in the end once they find the patience and ability to make a program like this work for them and their families.
It would make more sense if something like this could be court ordered.
Is it unethical for my parenting coordinator to be friends with my ex on face book