Parenting Adult Children – Alcohol & Drug Addiction
April 9th, 2010
By Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC, Drug & Alcohol Addiction Topic Expert Contributors
Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her Profile
Click here to contact Ed and/or see his Profile
Over the years, we have written many articles for ezines.com and every month they send us a report on how many people have read each article. Our lifetime top performing article is “Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts,” a variation on our very popular GoodTherapy.org column on the same issue. This leads us to an obvious conclusion: there are a lot of parents out there searching for ways to extricate themselves from the manipulative clutches of their addicted adult children.
The situation is a difficult one. How does a parent, who dearly loves their addicted son or daughter, best help that child? Do you continue to meet their unending demands for money or do you go to the other extreme and follow a “tough love” approach and cut off all contact with them until they straighten up? Neither works well and the tough love approach is difficult to maintain, especially because you love your child and because there may be grandchildren in the mix, too. So what do you do?
Following a middle path is usually best. Offering to pay for treatment when they are ready, is a good start – assuming the treatment is one of the rare effective options rather than the usual ineffectual offering of the AA/12 Step/Minnesota Model majority.
Not protecting them from their choices is also a good practice because they have been protected for a long, long time, if you are currently supporting them. Reassuring yourself that this lifestyle is their choice, not some mythical “disease”, also helps you feel less guilty about ramping down financial support.
I watched my own parents go through this same thing with one of my brothers. He was bleeding them dry but they kept supporting him, and I mean really supporting him, to the tune of $5000 a month. They just didn’t seem to understand why he wouldn’t straighten up, stop doing drugs and get a job. Well, why should he? Heck, if you want to give me $60,000 a year tax free for doing nothing, I might not work either.
Finally they decided to listen to us (Ed and me) and we put Ed in the middle between my parents and my brother and he had to do certain things each month in order to get his money, which he had to get from Ed, not my parents. And he was given a schedule showing how the money was going to be decreased each month until it was no longer. This infuriated my brother. But slowly it started to work and today he is self-supporting and not doing drugs. I might also add, that because he is now working again, not being supported by my parents, he has regained his self-respect and that is an important component in keeping him from going back to abusing drugs.
Obviously, this is not the only way out of this mess, it is just what we came up with at the time and it worked. It worked because my parents had a lot of support from us, to stay strong and not cave-in, in the face of my brother’s anger over his perceived mistreatment.
Since then, we have performed similar services for several other families in our area and those have turned out well. If you have a situation with your addicted adult child and need help, please give us a call. You can work your way out of it.
©Copyright 2010 by Edward Wilson, Ph.D., MAC, therapist in Rolling Hills Estates, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
as a parent I think the best approach would be to follow a middle path…neither too free nor too strict…you should keep a tab on your child’;s activities and if you find there is something fishy and that your child may be an addict or something then you need to talk to them and ask them about it.this talk should not e a confrontation or anything but should instead be of a helping nature…like finding out why he/she is an addict and so on.this would help the child in opening up in front of you and telling things that they would normally not speak out to a parent.
It is often a nightmare for parents because they are struck in a situation where either of the choices is going to cause harm…if they do give in to the demands of the addict child it will cause harm in an obvious manner and if they don’t then it may lead to the child getting into illegal activities to fund the addiction…this is a very difficult predicament to be in and I’d say prevention is better than cure and that it is always better educated your children about drugs and to take stern action in the initial stages if your child is getting into drugs.
The best advice I ever thought that I could give was to stop enabling but now that I see my own parents going through this with my adult brother I realize that this is definitely easier said than done.
They have tried everything- rehab, counseling, and I know they want him to get better but something in them makes it so hard to tell him no. They continue to give him money to support his drinking habit and this makes it better for no one. But in some ways I think this eases their conscience because they do not want to see him in the pain that rehab and stuff brings. But what they don’t realize is that the drinking brings him pain too.
any time an adult parent has to continue to take care of a grown child it is sad, no matter the circumstances whoch cause it
“Reassuring yourself that this lifestyle is their choice, not some mythical “disease”, also helps you feel less guilty about ramping down financial support.”
What’s this? A therapist that doesn’t claim alcoholism is a disease? How refreshingly novel. I’m genuinely surprised.
What a shame that there are adults out there with addictions who still have to depend on their parents to clean up their messes. I am not saying that I would not do this for my own kids if they ever get into this kind of trouble but I sure do hope that I never have to put my own parents through that. What a jerk I would feel like. Do these addicts feel this way too? Probably not as they all get so wrapped up in their own little worlds of abuse coupled with their version of pleasure.
My ex was a drunk ten years ago and still is. He now lives with his mom at nearly 50 years old with no job and she’ll tell anyone that listens that he’s getting better and dealing with it. He’s not getting better. And until she kicks him out, I don’t think he ever will. He was always a mommy’s boy and she panders to his every whim. Sometimes it’s the addict that needs freed of the parents rather than vice versa before they’ll make something of their life and get on the road to recovery.
Alcoholism is a disease. It’s been proven to be so. Read up on the connection between the A1 allele of the DRD2 gene and alcoholism. Don’t make it any tougher on alcoholics to deal with than it needs to be by rubbishing scientific research.
I’ve always suspected it was a lifestyle choice too, nothing to do with your genes or some physical ailment. Hogwash. As if a parent couldn’t feel worse about having an addict for a child! Let’s load the blame on them saying it’s their DNA’s fault.
And why parents do that anyway is beyond my comprehension. Is it loving to spend all your retirement savings on them and not make them deal with it? Is it loving for the child to take it without caring that this is their parent’s hard earned cash built up over a lifetime? I don’t think so.
My 20 year old son who lives at home is addicted to marijuana and mole rips (tobacco & marijuana combined) smoked in bong hits. He also drinks but not excessively but has a very bad temper. He does have a steady job but spends most of his money on pot & tobacco. I am a single mother working two jobs to make ends meet. We were evicted from our last home because he became extremely aggresive with our neighbor over his dog. Since we had to move into a more expensive house to keep his dog and his live-in girlfriend (who does nothing to help), I asked him to pitch in $300 for rent, utilities & dog food. He comes up short about $100 every month. He also seems to come up short for his car payment every month-which i cover because he bullied me into acquiring an auto loan for him. He shows me know respect verbally, refuses to have conversations with me, refuses to help with the chores and becomes agitated when I try to talk to him. He punches holes in the walls, breaks furniture, and threatens to kill himself whenever he becomes angry or if I try to address his behavior. When I ask him to move on his own, he says he will just be homeless and live at the beach, quit his job and drives off in a rage. I have become fearful of him and afraid to talk to him. I leave him notes but he just tears them up. I can’t sleep or eat and have lost a lot of weight. When I hear him come home late at night, I have anxiety attacks because I am afraid he will be angry and bust up the house. His girlfriend is just as bad. I have asked her to move out many times, but she refuses to go. They fight and tear up the place. I love my son, I don’t know how it got like this. I don’t know what to do.
Annie, I’d be calling the police next time he does that. You don’t owe him a place to live, especially one he cannot respect, nor you. Get support from social services and let other family members know what’s going on. You shouldn’t need to handle that alone nor be afraid in your own home. Let your doctor know about and what’s causing the anxiety attacks if you haven’t told him already and see what he suggests. There are groups and support systems out there but you need to take the first step towards them. They can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on. Let him go live on the beach if he must! He’s a big boy now.
What happens when the parents die? These adults have to find a way to support themselves then, do they not? If they can do it then, they can do it before that and not bleed their parents dry. Shame on them.
Annie,
Your life sounds a lot like mine (minus the parasite girlfriend). My 23 year old son acts the same way. Mine is an alcoholic but the behavior is the same. I have 3 other kids in this house and his rage and addiction is affecting everyone.
My husband works long hours (like any guy with four kids) so he just can’t handle all this anymore. I am so afraid he is going to have a stroke or heart attack. His own brother committed suicide at 20, he just can’t handle this again. Home should be a haven after a stressful day at work – not what our house has become. I can’t begin to tell you about the thousands of dollars he has cost us because we have to replace carpet, furniture, walls, cabinets etc. that he has destroyed in one of his rages.
He has already made one suicide attempt and was hospitalized for a week. This just made everything worse. He was seeing a doctor for a while but decided it was all “crap” and he threw away his meds and just keeps downing fifths and spending hours at the bar. He does not work but lies to us that he is going to a job, even dresses for it, but we found out that nobody in these places had ever heard of him. His whole life he has only had one job – and I gave him that one. He laid on his butt and surfed his laptop the whole time (pool attendant).
He has had so many opportunities – his grandfather set up a college trust for all the kids but he has wasted so much of this money. He is still 40 credits short of a degree (or so he tells us) and he has spent so much of that money on cars, bars and trips.
He took off today because “he couldn’t live in this house where we think so little of him.” This because I told him he has to work and get dry to stay here. He told me on the way out that he is going to spend what is left in his fund and then kill himself. I have probably heard 7-8 of these suicide threats a day for the last year. I don’t know what to do anymore. The other kids have goals, plans, jobs and they contribute around here. How can just this one have gotten so lost?
This man-baby has a 160 IQ by the way – we’ve had him tested several times and they tested him in the hospital after his attempt. He has a lot of social problems though and he sites his lonliness and isolation for all this angst. He had friends at one time but they told us he just seemed to fall off the map and wanted nothing to do with him. Again, it was his choices that led to the loneliness. He gets angry when I point that out and says that it doesn’t matter how he got there. He also told me that I should have used a coat hangar when I was pregnant with him – it’s like a horror movie every day.
I have a son that is 28yrs.old I have been dealing with his drug problems for 10yrs. now. He has been in and out of jail, I have taken him to a in house rehalb (court order) nothing seems to help.Before now he use to have what I called good days. But in the past 6 months there hasn’t been many good days. He comes to our house gets mad if he don’t get what he asks for then calls us bad names. He talks to his self says we have put chips in his ears and we are the cause of his problems. I have tried to get him to agree to get help,but he refuses. I have tried to get him help on my own,but when you have a adult child on drugs the Law says he has to ask for the help. That Law should be changed because there are not many adult addicts out there that are going to ask for help. If anyone knows something different I can do please let me know. I have refused to help him in any way unless he agrees to get professional help. I love him with all my heart but he is destroying his life and mine. I starting teaching my children about drugs at an early age, I told them how drugs would ruin thier lifes and thier family and friends life also. So the old saying teach your children about drugs at a early age does not always work.
Wow Diane
Your daily life sounds just like mine. No parasite girlfriend here either. Just a 26 year old son whom I absolutely do not recognize anymore..
Violent outbursts verbal abuse …It is all about him …Just last week he threw a chair across the garage…That was the final act…What do I do …you ask…Call the police? What for ? so he can be out again in less than 24 hours…What does a police dept. care about a drug addict for…So I offered to buy him a one way ticket out of the state He can choose destination …And when he falls on his feet next time he will be all alone far away no harm to anyone but himself.. Maybe then he will be able to pick up himself and pull himself out of his misery…Either way His drug addicted self will be out of my daily life.. I have already cried so many tears…Im finished crying long ago …When someone affects your life to the point where you yourself are fragile because your son’s dependancy on drugs …Then someone has to do some life altering process or it will continue with both people (the drug addict and all family members affected by drug addict) are always in a vicious cycle.Yes he might die because of HIS problem But that is just that It is his problem now I have tried everything to help him,,,counseling,,,everything….Now it is time for him to hit absolute rock bottom far away so he and only he can create a solution if he can…May God help him. and May God help you as well..
#16-
Thank you so much – it helps to know I am not in this alone. Where we live – everybody plays the “I have perfect children” card. Nobody ever talks about things like this so I feel alone and isolated. You are right about making him go somewhere where he can only hurt himself and then he has to make a decision about what he wants for his own life.
My son went into a rehab facility because we told him to either go to rehab or he had to pack up and leave. I gave him the deadline and he was packing and screaming at everybody and said he was gone. Lots of threats. I didn’t give in at all – didn’t cry. By now, I have detached myself but it took years. Anyway, right at the deadline he asked to speak to me and agreed to go the hospital. He is out of money, no job and no real options for a living situation.
We were encouraged – but he went in telling us he wanted help for his “insomnia” not really admitting he is an alcoholic. The whole time he’s been in there I have been getting abusive phone calls. He hates us, we have never helped him, we loved the other kids more, he doesn’t need to be in that place, he will die if we make him stay there…… and so on. They are trying him on different medications and he claims they are “dangerous.” He has talked to psychiatrists and now has a definitive diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I went on the net and he fits 9/9 of the criterion and it makes perfect sense. I told him he needs to come out and comply with the aftercare program which addresses not only his addiction but this diagnosis. He told me he hates me and as soon as he gets out he is leaving for good, never looking back. Either way, it will be relief. If he complies, he has a chance to get better. If he doesn’t he’s out of here and we can get on with our lives.
Borderlines have depression, anxiety, insomnia, suicidal tendencies and sometimes phychosis as part of the package. It’s been so hard. He was loved, spoiled and even doted on in his life. Now, everyone just wants peace. I pray for you as well – I hope we both have brighter tomorrows.
I have a 18 year old daughter addicted to herion… She lives with a guy that also has a problem.. My daughter has not lived with me since she was 17. she was with her dad then turned 18 and moved in with this guy.. Before that I had her in rehab and counceling it was hard she didn’t want to go..She has been in trouble with the law ,but still doesn’t change her life style. I will not let her at my house before when she lived with me she stole money and things to sell from me and her brother. I still talk to her because I love her but she is not welcome in my home till she changes her lifestyle and shows me she can do good in life .. I pray for her everyday. Also when she lived with me she was very abusive to me .. So It is hard but I cannot be drug down by her lifestyle anymore..
Hi Diane,
I was quite surprised when you responded to my comments…and relieved…You see that was the first time I have ever posted a comment in regards to my son’s addiction problem.
I too, feel all alone..You see, my husband doesn’t get involved..They have not spoken to each other in 2 years even though they both live under the same roof…Imagine that if only you can. My son said some verbal accusations toward his father and his father has held a grudge ever since not budging toward a solution.
My son lost his license…so I drove him to work and back a situation that my son was not grateful for…Eventually he lost that job…but found another one conviently located to the house.By this time his younger sister obtained her driving license and she helped take him to work.
He lost his job a couple of weeks ago and trapped me in the garage stating he didn’t want to get another job and have sister and mom taking him to work…I reminded him that through HIS choices were what created his dilema in first place…Oh I forgot to mention this conversation on his behalf was not a quiet one he was yelling at the top of his voice wouldn’t let me back in house saying i wasn’t fit to be alive He wanted to kill someone, maybe even himself…It was at that very moment just so I could get out of the volatile situation and get back inside to my younger child that I offered the one way ticket out of state.
I feel as if I can’t go on anymore sometimes..the abuse comes from a drug not from the person.The child and person I once knew has been long gone. The drug addiction has created a careless, souless monster..Tears are rolling down my face right now I have no more solutions There are ACTS you can use to commit someone to get help but I have been told if that adult doesn’t want to commit then he is released as soon as it is requested..I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t let my younger children be exposed to something they shouldn’t witness and let them watch their brother be so disprectful to me and cussing every second blaming everyone but himself for his situation.
They say if you are living with a drug addict you have to grab the bull by the horns or be gored.
Its time to let go I don’t want to be gored anymore.
I’ll always cherish those pre addict days when the real person was there, the caring, funny, and helpful person.
I am buying that plane ticket tomorrow morning as tomorrow is payday.
I will pray for him and you and myself.
It is a living nighmare isn’t it?
You will never know how much it meant to me that you, a person in the same situation responded..Thank you
t
t,
It seems some days that all that is left is pain – doesn’t it? Like Ed pointed out to me though, that is not something we can ever surrender to. We have husbands and other children that need us, we also have an obligation to ourselves. I think you are doing the right thing – a lot of people have told me that when they were finally at the end of this long rope, when they finally followed through on the ultimatum, is when something more positive started to happen.
Like you, I told my son to either go into an inpatient hospital program or get out. I knew he didn’t have any real options but I stuck to it. It was at the eleventh hour, while he was packing, that he came to the conclusion that he had to go in. He could see my resolve and it took me many years to get to this point. I finally could muster the courage and the conviction that as a family, we couldn’t live this way anymore. My husband and other children had begged me to do this for a long time.
As mothers, it is so much harder for us. My husband also has a very distant relationship with him. He has already prepared himself for the worst, I think that’s probably what your husband is doing. They just think differently and they have to keep everybody together. My husband is terrified I will fall apart if something happens to this one. His own mother became an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser after his brother committed suicide. She died ten years to the day her son did, and it was a horrible ten years for the whole family. He does not want history to repeat itself and I understand that.
I want a future with him and my whole family. My son is coming home tomorrow after ten days in treatment. During this time he has said he hated us and he would just leave our home and never look back. But, the last couple of days, they put him on some medications and gave him a good treatment plan. He talked to someone that seemed to get through to him. He is borderline personality with a genius level IQ. They told him that this is a very difficult situation to treat but they told him he has such potential if he complies with treatment and is willing to work on himself. He always rejected these things in outpatient but I think he is relieved now. He was finally sober and really at rock bottom. So now, I have a glimmer of hope.
I know I have to be prepared though, in case he goes back to his old self. Only time will tell. He will only be allowed here if he is sober and complying with treatment. He needs to get some sort of job and come up with a plan for his future. We will see how he does with all this. He has been so hard his whole life. He bounced from school to school, nothing worked for him. He also went through friends like socks. He is so unstable and impulsive. I hope we get back a person we can at least work with and talk to.
I hope it works for you and your family as well. Your son is not leaving you any option other than to remove him. Maybe this is the jolt he needs. Maybe he will be back willing to work on things. Maybe he will make a life somewhere else. I’ve heard so many stories like this and most of them ended up ok. Sometimes it takes time and space but a lot of the time it’s when we are at the end of our journey with our troubled children that their journey to recovery really begins. I will pray for you and thank you for your thoughts and prayers for our situation. I will continue to post about how it is going – good or bad.
diane
Does anyone believe in methadone clinics. I was just told my daughter is going to a methadone clinic and is in counceling for her drug addiction. has anyone had to deal with this? comments please. I too feel alone in this my husband will not let my daughter near our home, because of the type of people she hangs with I support that decision also because she has put me through alot in the past. just recently she told me she is going to this clinic. I sure could use some advice. she has no respect for me . am I doing the right thing not being there for her through this? I guess that is the mom in me. I know I can’t help her and I know I can’t put up with her abuse. I too have another son and a husband who need me. I am the one who commented #18 I also commented on the freeing parents from adult child addition page.
OK I AM A PROFESSIONAL AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER POSTED ANYTHING ON A BLOG I FEEL SO STUNNED FOR I HAVE ALWAYS HANDLED ANY ISSUE THAT WOULD COME MY WAY
I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH MY DAUGHTER, A RHODES SCHOLAR, HOMECOMING QUEEN DRUG ADDICT FOR 8 YRS I KEEP THINKING SHE WILL HIT ROCK BOTTOM BUT HER ROCK BOTTOM AND EVERYONES ELSE IS DIFFERENT SHE HAS STOLEN QUITE A BIT OF MONEY FROM ME AND HAS ALMOST DRAINED MY ACCOUNTS SHE HAS BEEN IN 2 DIFFERENT VERY EXPENSIVE REHABS AND IS PRESENTLY IN CUSTODY IN ONE OF THE WORST JAILS IN THE COUNTRY FOR ONLY DRIVING WITH A SUPPENEDED LISCENCE SHE ALSO IS THE PAST MONTH HAS FAILED TO APPEAR IN COURT FOR A PROBATION OF A SIMPLE POSSESSION SHE HAS BEEN ON HEROIN FOR 2 MONTHS BUT HAS BEEN DOING DRUGS FOR YEARS I HAVE REFUSED TO BAIL HER OUT EVEN THOUGH IT IS ONLY 136.00 I MUST HAVE SPENT AT LEAST 80,000 ON HER IN THE LAST 6 YRS I WAKE UP HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER IN THIS HORRIBLE JAIL I HAVE REFUSED TO TAKE HER CALLS FROM JAIL MY QUESTION IS HOW I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS I GO TO WORK AND FUNCTION LIKE I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD I SPEAK TO NO ONE AT WORK ABOUT THIS SITUATION I AM HER ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM AND I FORGOT TO TELL YOU I AM IN THE PSY PROFESSION SHE HAS HAD 2 SUCIDE ATTEMPTS IN THE LAST YEAR I SOMETIMES WISH SHE WOULD DISSAPEAR AND THEN I WISH I HAD MY DAUGHTER BACK SHE NOW HAS NO MEANS OF SUPPORT PLEASE GIVE ME SOME SUPPORT I AM FINALLY AT THE END BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP FEELING SICK I KNOW I CAN NOT RE INVENT THIS WHEEL AND I HAVE NO MORE FINANCIAL FUNDS FOR HER
pj
First off, I’m so sorry. My son is also extremely high IQ and I swear they are the most self-destructive people ever. He always tells me that he can’t accept the world for what it is. That’s why he drinks, that’s why he has attempted suicide and why he keeps threatening us that he is going to do it successfully next time.
We started playing hardball – just like you the last couple of months. I have three other children and could never spend what you did – but we did spent money we didn’t have to try to help him. I am also “in the profession” with a degree in Social Work and work experience in same. It sure doesn’t help when this is happening to your own family. I keep feeling that I’m handling everything so badly. He is certainly smart enough to exploit this insecurity in me.
We forced him to go to rehab as he had run out of money, friends and options. We knew he was going to either kill himself, comply with treatment or disappear. He did comply – though very belligerently with the treatment and we all got a two week respite from his tearing up our home. He got out and started drinking again the first night ( usually a fifth a night upstairs in his room).
He tells us now that he has a new job – and it sounds very good. It is great money, great benefits and it will help him finish school. We pray that this job is real because up until now he has lied about every one. He is sticking to this story so we told him he needs to move out. He found an apartment, we paid the security deposit and he is out in less than a month. By then, he will have shown us a couple of checks. Regardless, we know he can’t stay here. He has to start being responsible for himself, his choices, his life. He is going on 24 and really has never worked before. But, he is brilliant and very articulate.
We worry he won’t keep this job because of the drinking. But, he is on his own now, I won’t bring him back here because of all the misery he has caused all these years. He stands his best chance if he knows he has to rely on himself. I was and still am terrified he will kill himself but this board and others in my life have helped me see that we have done everything we can. This person is really not my son. Not the person who has been walking in his shoes the last 4 years or so.
He has always been difficult. He has a Borderline Personality disorder diagnosis and it is difficult to even find a therapist that is willing to put up with him. He is a master manipulator, uncooperative, self-destructive and frankly just downright derisive and nasty. He feels he has been wronged in life but he has had every opportunity and lots of love and support and it is his own choices and behaviors that have brought him to his knees.
I know this is hard but I think you have to just keep playing hardball with your daughter. Everyone here told me that if I stuck to my guns he would be forced to take over his own life. So far, it’s working. It could all go south again, but at least we reclaimed our lives and did all we could to help him reclaim his own. As long as we keep providing for them, propping them up, they will never stand on their own two feet. They need to change, not us. I know this is scary, I am scared to death. But, it is equally scary to continue the way we were. God Bless and I hope things get better for you very soon.
diane
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT MY DAUGHTER IS OUT OF JAIL WITH NO WHERE TO GO I AM AFRAID TO HELP HER I FEAR OF REINVENTING THE WHEEL I DO NOT TRUST THAT SHE IS NOT BACK TO HER OLD WAYS SHE CALLED STATING SHE WAS HOMELESS AND HAD NO WHERE TO GO THIS HAS HAPPEND TWO TIMES IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS AND WE ALWAYS TOOK HER BACK BUT SHE NEVER STAYED OR WAS SINCERE WITH HER ACTIONS I AM HOLDING STRONG I TOLD HER TO GO TO A SHELTER I STILL WAKE UP AND WANT TO RESCUE HER AND LET HER KNOW SHE ALWAYS HAS A HOME BUT AFTER 8 YEARS NOTHING SEEMS TO CHANGE HOLDING STRONG AND HOPING THE PHONE DOES NOT RING AND SHE IS DEAD I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART MY THOUGHTS ARE NEVER WITHOUT HER
It really helped to read that I am not the only one who feels as though the baby that I carried inside me has disappeared and that some stranger has moved into our home instead.
I love my son so much, and sometimes I have actually thought that it would be easier to deal with the grief of him dying than to look at what the immediate future holds for him- or even long-term future. I am so afraid for him. I now see that I’ve got to stop “enabling” him and stop supporting him and thereby, his habit.
Hi, PJ
Your story is so similar to mine. I have a son who has been
addicted to heroin for 3 plus years. He is in jail now and will be for some time. He has been in and out of jail for the past 3 years. I am financially drained also. I now work 2 jobs and pinch pennies even with the two jobs.
I really feel that you can not continue to do what does not
work. You must change how you deal with your child. This has been so tough for me. I also did not pay bail $250. and he is waiting for trial. I know he is shocked but I feel he has got to learn that he is going to have to suffer the consequences of his actions. It’s not my job to shelter him from his decisions. I really believe that he needs to feel this to make a change. I have had to realize that I could loose him – he could die at any time on the streets but I feel I have lost him anyway if he doesn’t make a change. I hope this time he will be determined to change.
HI KF
WOW HOW NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU OUR STORIES ARE A LOT A LIKE IT IS COMFORTING TO KNOW SOMEONE ELSE FEELS LIKE THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE WE DO WHEN WE ARE OLDER I REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH YOUR SON SURELY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WON’T BAIL HIM OUT ESP SINCE IT IS ONLY 250 I AM AT THE POINT I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO GO TO JAIL SHE CALLED LAST NIGHT HOMELESS IN A LARGE CITY AS A LADY OF THE NIGHT AND ASK ME WHY I WOULDN’T HELP HER SHE ASKED IF I REALLY WANTED HER TO HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE IS DOING SHE HAS NOT SHOWN UP FOR PROBATION AND SURLY HAS SEVERAL WARRANTS THEY CAN REALLY PUT THE GUILT TRIP ON US FOR ME THE WORST TIME IS WHEN I WAKE UP AT 4AM AND MY MIND AND HEART FEEL LIKE PANIC I KNOW YOUR ARE HOPING FOR CHANGE IN YOUR SON BUT IF NOT YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG OR YOU OR I WILL NEVER HAVE EVEN A SMALL AMT OF HAPPINESS WE DESERVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOMETHING IN OUR LIVES YOUR RESPONSE REALLY HELPED ME TODAY
UPDATE
MY DAUGHTER IS PRESENTLY A HEROIN ADDICT AND A PROSTITUE WITHIN THE ATLANTA AREA I HAVE TRIED SO MUCH SPENDING AT LEAT 200.000 ON REHAB SHE HAS CONTACTED ME WITHIN THE LAST MONTH SHE IS HOMELESS I SENT HER A ONE DAY STAY AT A DAYS INN THE LAST TIME I SPOKE WITH HER I TOLD HER TO NOT CALL ME AGAIN THAT I COULD NOT HANDLE THIS SHE SAID CAN I CALL YOU AND WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR I SAID NO NOW SHE IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND SHE HAS A WARRANT AND I HAVE AN 8000 BOND I MUST HAVE HER ARRESTED I DO NOT HAVE THE BOND MONEY SHE IS DEAD TO ME BUT I LOVE HER
My heart goes out to everyone facing the problems of grown children with addictions. My son is 30, he was 11 when he first started showing signs of serious trouble. I too have done everything I know to help him. In house rehab several times, I let him suffer the consequences when he would go to jail and not bail him out, and each time it was due to something he did while on drugs and alcohol. I have given him chance after chance. After a few weeks his old destructive behavior returns. Goes back to the same so called friends. He has threatened suicide so many times, cut up his arms, destroy doors, walls,steal,lie, and always blames others for his problems. I’m so worn out with it, all I know to do is pray for him. I had to make him leave again and this time have refused to allow him to come back. There are options to help him , but if it’s not what he want he won’t take them. He upsets the others who live at home and some times frightens my daughter who lives here with her small children.
We as parents who have done all that we can do and then some have to come to a point and say NO MORE. We too deserve some peace of mind and a safe and restful home. I know I did the best I could for my son. Loved him, taught him right from wrong, tried to get him involved in healthy activities growing up, always had a nice home, clothes, and food. I have released him to God, because the problem is more than I can handle anymore. I refuse to feel responsible for his self destruction anymore. I pray he will be healed from the battle field in his mind, but I have exhausted all my attempts to help. I will always love him, but I don’t miss the monster within. Hopefully, God willing, the monster will be gone and my son will be back. Prayers for strength to everyone.
It feels thoughtless to write this, but I’m so relieved to read my thoughts in your comments. Our son is 20 and a drug addict. We’re out of our element here, neither my husband nor I ever did drugs. We don’t know anyone who’s dealt with this. Our son was brought home after failing freshman year college. We payed all his debts and got him enrolled in the local college. He lied, stole from us, and when we found out he ran away. I cannot believe I raised this person. His lifestyle is so opposite of our values, I don’t know him at all. Reading all your comments breaks my heart. I’m so afraid we’re headed for much harder times.
Dear christine, when I read some post I read the comment to and I fond your problem. Iam sorry to hear that. But as a parents you must strong. Your son is a drug addict because their society in their live not because you and your husband. Everything always have a limit so be patience and don’t give up to direct your child to a good thing
I’d never be able to explain all that has gone on in my home with my two drug addicted sons nore my enabling wife. It’s nice to find this site to know I’m not the only one suffering. I WANT OUT but can’t leave financially or I would. This life and what is going on here in my home and a wife who won’t back me up sucks!!!
I have to disagree that addiction isn’t a physical illness; it is. Or, at least, it is brought on by underlying physiological issues. Rather than taking our son to a traditional rehab or AA where they try to talk away the problem,(which isn’t possible, since it’s physiological in nature) we sent him to a place that, through medical testing, attempts to find the underlying physical problems and correct them, along with providing some psychological counseling for the depression addictions bring with them. Hypoglycemia is a common underlying issue w/addicts, especially if alcohol is the problem. So are food allergies, most often to grains. (Again, if alchohol is the issue.) My son had both of these problems, it turns out, as well as others. He completely changed his diet, and began dealing with his other medical issues and he is now healthy, happy, and no longer addicted. Please do yourself and your children a favor: do an internet search for a ‘biochemical alcohol revovery program.’
my 2 daughters are heroion addicts and im lost, dont know what to do anymore. im lossing them help.
I sympathize and feel for all of u that r going thru this. I myself has and adult daughter that his a drug addict on meth and i do not know how to help her anymore. She is homeless, my grandchildren are in foster care due to her addiction and i am 1000 miles away from her and i’ve tried to get her to go admit herslf into rehab or the psych unit and she comes up with reasons not to do it. I have given up everything to help her my job, home, vehicle and money now i have nothing i’m trying to start over but i feel paralyzed because i am so afraid for her she gets beat up because of her mouth she has no support system there she hasn’t talked to her worker for 4 months because of the drugs and i’m going to lose my grandchidren because of this and the only way i can force her into rehab is i have to go there and file papers but i don’t have the money to go there to do this and i am so scared for her. I have tried to do the tough love thing but it doesn’t seem to be working because shes as far down as she can get and her children r not enough to get her to see she needs help. She has never lived this way and I have always bailed her out but now I can’t do anything i feel helpless and very much alone. I need help before i lose my grandkids and my daughter permanently. I believe she also underlying mental issues also she is extremely nasty to me and the people around her when she doesn’t get her way or she doesn’t like what someone says and she takes no responsibility for anything its everybody else’s fault.
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