Parenting Adult Children – Alcohol & Drug Addiction
April 9th, 2010
By Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC, Drug & Alcohol Addiction Topic Expert Contributors
Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her Profile
Click here to contact Ed and/or see his Profile
Over the years, we have written many articles for ezines.com and every month they send us a report on how many people have read each article. Our lifetime top performing article is “Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts,” a variation on our very popular GoodTherapy.org column on the same issue. This leads us to an obvious conclusion: there are a lot of parents out there searching for ways to extricate themselves from the manipulative clutches of their addicted adult children.
The situation is a difficult one. How does a parent, who dearly loves their addicted son or daughter, best help that child? Do you continue to meet their unending demands for money or do you go to the other extreme and follow a “tough love” approach and cut off all contact with them until they straighten up? Neither works well and the tough love approach is difficult to maintain, especially because you love your child and because there may be grandchildren in the mix, too. So what do you do?
Following a middle path is usually best. Offering to pay for treatment when they are ready, is a good start – assuming the treatment is one of the rare effective options rather than the usual ineffectual offering of the AA/12 Step/Minnesota Model majority.
Not protecting them from their choices is also a good practice because they have been protected for a long, long time, if you are currently supporting them. Reassuring yourself that this lifestyle is their choice, not some mythical “disease”, also helps you feel less guilty about ramping down financial support.
I watched my own parents go through this same thing with one of my brothers. He was bleeding them dry but they kept supporting him, and I mean really supporting him, to the tune of $5000 a month. They just didn’t seem to understand why he wouldn’t straighten up, stop doing drugs and get a job. Well, why should he? Heck, if you want to give me $60,000 a year tax free for doing nothing, I might not work either.
Finally they decided to listen to us (Ed and me) and we put Ed in the middle between my parents and my brother and he had to do certain things each month in order to get his money, which he had to get from Ed, not my parents. And he was given a schedule showing how the money was going to be decreased each month until it was no longer. This infuriated my brother. But slowly it started to work and today he is self-supporting and not doing drugs. I might also add, that because he is now working again, not being supported by my parents, he has regained his self-respect and that is an important component in keeping him from going back to abusing drugs.
Obviously, this is not the only way out of this mess, it is just what we came up with at the time and it worked. It worked because my parents had a lot of support from us, to stay strong and not cave-in, in the face of my brother’s anger over his perceived mistreatment.
Since then, we have performed similar services for several other families in our area and those have turned out well. If you have a situation with your addicted adult child and need help, please give us a call. You can work your way out of it.
©Copyright 2010 by Edward Wilson, Ph.D., MAC, therapist in Rolling Hills Estates, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
as a parent I think the best approach would be to follow a middle path…neither too free nor too strict…you should keep a tab on your child’;s activities and if you find there is something fishy and that your child may be an addict or something then you need to talk to them and ask them about it.this talk should not e a confrontation or anything but should instead be of a helping nature…like finding out why he/she is an addict and so on.this would help the child in opening up in front of you and telling things that they would normally not speak out to a parent.
It is often a nightmare for parents because they are struck in a situation where either of the choices is going to cause harm…if they do give in to the demands of the addict child it will cause harm in an obvious manner and if they don’t then it may lead to the child getting into illegal activities to fund the addiction…this is a very difficult predicament to be in and I’d say prevention is better than cure and that it is always better educated your children about drugs and to take stern action in the initial stages if your child is getting into drugs.
The best advice I ever thought that I could give was to stop enabling but now that I see my own parents going through this with my adult brother I realize that this is definitely easier said than done.
They have tried everything- rehab, counseling, and I know they want him to get better but something in them makes it so hard to tell him no. They continue to give him money to support his drinking habit and this makes it better for no one. But in some ways I think this eases their conscience because they do not want to see him in the pain that rehab and stuff brings. But what they don’t realize is that the drinking brings him pain too.
any time an adult parent has to continue to take care of a grown child it is sad, no matter the circumstances whoch cause it
“Reassuring yourself that this lifestyle is their choice, not some mythical “disease”, also helps you feel less guilty about ramping down financial support.”
What’s this? A therapist that doesn’t claim alcoholism is a disease? How refreshingly novel. I’m genuinely surprised.
What a shame that there are adults out there with addictions who still have to depend on their parents to clean up their messes. I am not saying that I would not do this for my own kids if they ever get into this kind of trouble but I sure do hope that I never have to put my own parents through that. What a jerk I would feel like. Do these addicts feel this way too? Probably not as they all get so wrapped up in their own little worlds of abuse coupled with their version of pleasure.
My ex was a drunk ten years ago and still is. He now lives with his mom at nearly 50 years old with no job and she’ll tell anyone that listens that he’s getting better and dealing with it. He’s not getting better. And until she kicks him out, I don’t think he ever will. He was always a mommy’s boy and she panders to his every whim. Sometimes it’s the addict that needs freed of the parents rather than vice versa before they’ll make something of their life and get on the road to recovery.
Alcoholism is a disease. It’s been proven to be so. Read up on the connection between the A1 allele of the DRD2 gene and alcoholism. Don’t make it any tougher on alcoholics to deal with than it needs to be by rubbishing scientific research.
I’ve always suspected it was a lifestyle choice too, nothing to do with your genes or some physical ailment. Hogwash. As if a parent couldn’t feel worse about having an addict for a child! Let’s load the blame on them saying it’s their DNA’s fault.
And why parents do that anyway is beyond my comprehension. Is it loving to spend all your retirement savings on them and not make them deal with it? Is it loving for the child to take it without caring that this is their parent’s hard earned cash built up over a lifetime? I don’t think so.
My 20 year old son who lives at home is addicted to marijuana and mole rips (tobacco & marijuana combined) smoked in bong hits. He also drinks but not excessively but has a very bad temper. He does have a steady job but spends most of his money on pot & tobacco. I am a single mother working two jobs to make ends meet. We were evicted from our last home because he became extremely aggresive with our neighbor over his dog. Since we had to move into a more expensive house to keep his dog and his live-in girlfriend (who does nothing to help), I asked him to pitch in $300 for rent, utilities & dog food. He comes up short about $100 every month. He also seems to come up short for his car payment every month-which i cover because he bullied me into acquiring an auto loan for him. He shows me know respect verbally, refuses to have conversations with me, refuses to help with the chores and becomes agitated when I try to talk to him. He punches holes in the walls, breaks furniture, and threatens to kill himself whenever he becomes angry or if I try to address his behavior. When I ask him to move on his own, he says he will just be homeless and live at the beach, quit his job and drives off in a rage. I have become fearful of him and afraid to talk to him. I leave him notes but he just tears them up. I can’t sleep or eat and have lost a lot of weight. When I hear him come home late at night, I have anxiety attacks because I am afraid he will be angry and bust up the house. His girlfriend is just as bad. I have asked her to move out many times, but she refuses to go. They fight and tear up the place. I love my son, I don’t know how it got like this. I don’t know what to do.
Annie, I’d be calling the police next time he does that. You don’t owe him a place to live, especially one he cannot respect, nor you. Get support from social services and let other family members know what’s going on. You shouldn’t need to handle that alone nor be afraid in your own home. Let your doctor know about and what’s causing the anxiety attacks if you haven’t told him already and see what he suggests. There are groups and support systems out there but you need to take the first step towards them. They can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on. Let him go live on the beach if he must! He’s a big boy now.
What happens when the parents die? These adults have to find a way to support themselves then, do they not? If they can do it then, they can do it before that and not bleed their parents dry. Shame on them.
Annie,
Your life sounds a lot like mine (minus the parasite girlfriend). My 23 year old son acts the same way. Mine is an alcoholic but the behavior is the same. I have 3 other kids in this house and his rage and addiction is affecting everyone.
My husband works long hours (like any guy with four kids) so he just can’t handle all this anymore. I am so afraid he is going to have a stroke or heart attack. His own brother committed suicide at 20, he just can’t handle this again. Home should be a haven after a stressful day at work – not what our house has become. I can’t begin to tell you about the thousands of dollars he has cost us because we have to replace carpet, furniture, walls, cabinets etc. that he has destroyed in one of his rages.
He has already made one suicide attempt and was hospitalized for a week. This just made everything worse. He was seeing a doctor for a while but decided it was all “crap” and he threw away his meds and just keeps downing fifths and spending hours at the bar. He does not work but lies to us that he is going to a job, even dresses for it, but we found out that nobody in these places had ever heard of him. His whole life he has only had one job – and I gave him that one. He laid on his butt and surfed his laptop the whole time (pool attendant).
He has had so many opportunities – his grandfather set up a college trust for all the kids but he has wasted so much of this money. He is still 40 credits short of a degree (or so he tells us) and he has spent so much of that money on cars, bars and trips.
He took off today because “he couldn’t live in this house where we think so little of him.” This because I told him he has to work and get dry to stay here. He told me on the way out that he is going to spend what is left in his fund and then kill himself. I have probably heard 7-8 of these suicide threats a day for the last year. I don’t know what to do anymore. The other kids have goals, plans, jobs and they contribute around here. How can just this one have gotten so lost?
This man-baby has a 160 IQ by the way – we’ve had him tested several times and they tested him in the hospital after his attempt. He has a lot of social problems though and he sites his lonliness and isolation for all this angst. He had friends at one time but they told us he just seemed to fall off the map and wanted nothing to do with him. Again, it was his choices that led to the loneliness. He gets angry when I point that out and says that it doesn’t matter how he got there. He also told me that I should have used a coat hangar when I was pregnant with him – it’s like a horror movie every day.
I have a son that is 28yrs.old I have been dealing with his drug problems for 10yrs. now. He has been in and out of jail, I have taken him to a in house rehalb (court order) nothing seems to help.Before now he use to have what I called good days. But in the past 6 months there hasn’t been many good days. He comes to our house gets mad if he don’t get what he asks for then calls us bad names. He talks to his self says we have put chips in his ears and we are the cause of his problems. I have tried to get him to agree to get help,but he refuses. I have tried to get him help on my own,but when you have a adult child on drugs the Law says he has to ask for the help. That Law should be changed because there are not many adult addicts out there that are going to ask for help. If anyone knows something different I can do please let me know. I have refused to help him in any way unless he agrees to get professional help. I love him with all my heart but he is destroying his life and mine. I starting teaching my children about drugs at an early age, I told them how drugs would ruin thier lifes and thier family and friends life also. So the old saying teach your children about drugs at a early age does not always work.
Wow Diane
Your daily life sounds just like mine. No parasite girlfriend here either. Just a 26 year old son whom I absolutely do not recognize anymore..
Violent outbursts verbal abuse …It is all about him …Just last week he threw a chair across the garage…That was the final act…What do I do …you ask…Call the police? What for ? so he can be out again in less than 24 hours…What does a police dept. care about a drug addict for…So I offered to buy him a one way ticket out of the state He can choose destination …And when he falls on his feet next time he will be all alone far away no harm to anyone but himself.. Maybe then he will be able to pick up himself and pull himself out of his misery…Either way His drug addicted self will be out of my daily life.. I have already cried so many tears…Im finished crying long ago …When someone affects your life to the point where you yourself are fragile because your son’s dependancy on drugs …Then someone has to do some life altering process or it will continue with both people (the drug addict and all family members affected by drug addict) are always in a vicious cycle.Yes he might die because of HIS problem But that is just that It is his problem now I have tried everything to help him,,,counseling,,,everything….Now it is time for him to hit absolute rock bottom far away so he and only he can create a solution if he can…May God help him. and May God help you as well..
#16-
Thank you so much – it helps to know I am not in this alone. Where we live – everybody plays the “I have perfect children” card. Nobody ever talks about things like this so I feel alone and isolated. You are right about making him go somewhere where he can only hurt himself and then he has to make a decision about what he wants for his own life.
My son went into a rehab facility because we told him to either go to rehab or he had to pack up and leave. I gave him the deadline and he was packing and screaming at everybody and said he was gone. Lots of threats. I didn’t give in at all – didn’t cry. By now, I have detached myself but it took years. Anyway, right at the deadline he asked to speak to me and agreed to go the hospital. He is out of money, no job and no real options for a living situation.
We were encouraged – but he went in telling us he wanted help for his “insomnia” not really admitting he is an alcoholic. The whole time he’s been in there I have been getting abusive phone calls. He hates us, we have never helped him, we loved the other kids more, he doesn’t need to be in that place, he will die if we make him stay there…… and so on. They are trying him on different medications and he claims they are “dangerous.” He has talked to psychiatrists and now has a definitive diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I went on the net and he fits 9/9 of the criterion and it makes perfect sense. I told him he needs to come out and comply with the aftercare program which addresses not only his addiction but this diagnosis. He told me he hates me and as soon as he gets out he is leaving for good, never looking back. Either way, it will be relief. If he complies, he has a chance to get better. If he doesn’t he’s out of here and we can get on with our lives.
Borderlines have depression, anxiety, insomnia, suicidal tendencies and sometimes phychosis as part of the package. It’s been so hard. He was loved, spoiled and even doted on in his life. Now, everyone just wants peace. I pray for you as well – I hope we both have brighter tomorrows.
I have a 18 year old daughter addicted to herion… She lives with a guy that also has a problem.. My daughter has not lived with me since she was 17. she was with her dad then turned 18 and moved in with this guy.. Before that I had her in rehab and counceling it was hard she didn’t want to go..She has been in trouble with the law ,but still doesn’t change her life style. I will not let her at my house before when she lived with me she stole money and things to sell from me and her brother. I still talk to her because I love her but she is not welcome in my home till she changes her lifestyle and shows me she can do good in life .. I pray for her everyday. Also when she lived with me she was very abusive to me .. So It is hard but I cannot be drug down by her lifestyle anymore..
Hi Diane,
I was quite surprised when you responded to my comments…and relieved…You see that was the first time I have ever posted a comment in regards to my son’s addiction problem.
I too, feel all alone..You see, my husband doesn’t get involved..They have not spoken to each other in 2 years even though they both live under the same roof…Imagine that if only you can. My son said some verbal accusations toward his father and his father has held a grudge ever since not budging toward a solution.
My son lost his license…so I drove him to work and back a situation that my son was not grateful for…Eventually he lost that job…but found another one conviently located to the house.By this time his younger sister obtained her driving license and she helped take him to work.
He lost his job a couple of weeks ago and trapped me in the garage stating he didn’t want to get another job and have sister and mom taking him to work…I reminded him that through HIS choices were what created his dilema in first place…Oh I forgot to mention this conversation on his behalf was not a quiet one he was yelling at the top of his voice wouldn’t let me back in house saying i wasn’t fit to be alive He wanted to kill someone, maybe even himself…It was at that very moment just so I could get out of the volatile situation and get back inside to my younger child that I offered the one way ticket out of state.
I feel as if I can’t go on anymore sometimes..the abuse comes from a drug not from the person.The child and person I once knew has been long gone. The drug addiction has created a careless, souless monster..Tears are rolling down my face right now I have no more solutions There are ACTS you can use to commit someone to get help but I have been told if that adult doesn’t want to commit then he is released as soon as it is requested..I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t let my younger children be exposed to something they shouldn’t witness and let them watch their brother be so disprectful to me and cussing every second blaming everyone but himself for his situation.
They say if you are living with a drug addict you have to grab the bull by the horns or be gored.
Its time to let go I don’t want to be gored anymore.
I’ll always cherish those pre addict days when the real person was there, the caring, funny, and helpful person.
I am buying that plane ticket tomorrow morning as tomorrow is payday.
I will pray for him and you and myself.
It is a living nighmare isn’t it?
You will never know how much it meant to me that you, a person in the same situation responded..Thank you
t
t,
It seems some days that all that is left is pain – doesn’t it? Like Ed pointed out to me though, that is not something we can ever surrender to. We have husbands and other children that need us, we also have an obligation to ourselves. I think you are doing the right thing – a lot of people have told me that when they were finally at the end of this long rope, when they finally followed through on the ultimatum, is when something more positive started to happen.
Like you, I told my son to either go into an inpatient hospital program or get out. I knew he didn’t have any real options but I stuck to it. It was at the eleventh hour, while he was packing, that he came to the conclusion that he had to go in. He could see my resolve and it took me many years to get to this point. I finally could muster the courage and the conviction that as a family, we couldn’t live this way anymore. My husband and other children had begged me to do this for a long time.
As mothers, it is so much harder for us. My husband also has a very distant relationship with him. He has already prepared himself for the worst, I think that’s probably what your husband is doing. They just think differently and they have to keep everybody together. My husband is terrified I will fall apart if something happens to this one. His own mother became an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser after his brother committed suicide. She died ten years to the day her son did, and it was a horrible ten years for the whole family. He does not want history to repeat itself and I understand that.
I want a future with him and my whole family. My son is coming home tomorrow after ten days in treatment. During this time he has said he hated us and he would just leave our home and never look back. But, the last couple of days, they put him on some medications and gave him a good treatment plan. He talked to someone that seemed to get through to him. He is borderline personality with a genius level IQ. They told him that this is a very difficult situation to treat but they told him he has such potential if he complies with treatment and is willing to work on himself. He always rejected these things in outpatient but I think he is relieved now. He was finally sober and really at rock bottom. So now, I have a glimmer of hope.
I know I have to be prepared though, in case he goes back to his old self. Only time will tell. He will only be allowed here if he is sober and complying with treatment. He needs to get some sort of job and come up with a plan for his future. We will see how he does with all this. He has been so hard his whole life. He bounced from school to school, nothing worked for him. He also went through friends like socks. He is so unstable and impulsive. I hope we get back a person we can at least work with and talk to.
I hope it works for you and your family as well. Your son is not leaving you any option other than to remove him. Maybe this is the jolt he needs. Maybe he will be back willing to work on things. Maybe he will make a life somewhere else. I’ve heard so many stories like this and most of them ended up ok. Sometimes it takes time and space but a lot of the time it’s when we are at the end of our journey with our troubled children that their journey to recovery really begins. I will pray for you and thank you for your thoughts and prayers for our situation. I will continue to post about how it is going – good or bad.
diane
Does anyone believe in methadone clinics. I was just told my daughter is going to a methadone clinic and is in counceling for her drug addiction. has anyone had to deal with this? comments please. I too feel alone in this my husband will not let my daughter near our home, because of the type of people she hangs with I support that decision also because she has put me through alot in the past. just recently she told me she is going to this clinic. I sure could use some advice. she has no respect for me . am I doing the right thing not being there for her through this? I guess that is the mom in me. I know I can’t help her and I know I can’t put up with her abuse. I too have another son and a husband who need me. I am the one who commented #18 I also commented on the freeing parents from adult child addition page.
OK I AM A PROFESSIONAL AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER POSTED ANYTHING ON A BLOG I FEEL SO STUNNED FOR I HAVE ALWAYS HANDLED ANY ISSUE THAT WOULD COME MY WAY
I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH MY DAUGHTER, A RHODES SCHOLAR, HOMECOMING QUEEN DRUG ADDICT FOR 8 YRS I KEEP THINKING SHE WILL HIT ROCK BOTTOM BUT HER ROCK BOTTOM AND EVERYONES ELSE IS DIFFERENT SHE HAS STOLEN QUITE A BIT OF MONEY FROM ME AND HAS ALMOST DRAINED MY ACCOUNTS SHE HAS BEEN IN 2 DIFFERENT VERY EXPENSIVE REHABS AND IS PRESENTLY IN CUSTODY IN ONE OF THE WORST JAILS IN THE COUNTRY FOR ONLY DRIVING WITH A SUPPENEDED LISCENCE SHE ALSO IS THE PAST MONTH HAS FAILED TO APPEAR IN COURT FOR A PROBATION OF A SIMPLE POSSESSION SHE HAS BEEN ON HEROIN FOR 2 MONTHS BUT HAS BEEN DOING DRUGS FOR YEARS I HAVE REFUSED TO BAIL HER OUT EVEN THOUGH IT IS ONLY 136.00 I MUST HAVE SPENT AT LEAST 80,000 ON HER IN THE LAST 6 YRS I WAKE UP HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER IN THIS HORRIBLE JAIL I HAVE REFUSED TO TAKE HER CALLS FROM JAIL MY QUESTION IS HOW I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS I GO TO WORK AND FUNCTION LIKE I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD I SPEAK TO NO ONE AT WORK ABOUT THIS SITUATION I AM HER ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM AND I FORGOT TO TELL YOU I AM IN THE PSY PROFESSION SHE HAS HAD 2 SUCIDE ATTEMPTS IN THE LAST YEAR I SOMETIMES WISH SHE WOULD DISSAPEAR AND THEN I WISH I HAD MY DAUGHTER BACK SHE NOW HAS NO MEANS OF SUPPORT PLEASE GIVE ME SOME SUPPORT I AM FINALLY AT THE END BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP FEELING SICK I KNOW I CAN NOT RE INVENT THIS WHEEL AND I HAVE NO MORE FINANCIAL FUNDS FOR HER
pj
First off, I’m so sorry. My son is also extremely high IQ and I swear they are the most self-destructive people ever. He always tells me that he can’t accept the world for what it is. That’s why he drinks, that’s why he has attempted suicide and why he keeps threatening us that he is going to do it successfully next time.
We started playing hardball – just like you the last couple of months. I have three other children and could never spend what you did – but we did spent money we didn’t have to try to help him. I am also “in the profession” with a degree in Social Work and work experience in same. It sure doesn’t help when this is happening to your own family. I keep feeling that I’m handling everything so badly. He is certainly smart enough to exploit this insecurity in me.
We forced him to go to rehab as he had run out of money, friends and options. We knew he was going to either kill himself, comply with treatment or disappear. He did comply – though very belligerently with the treatment and we all got a two week respite from his tearing up our home. He got out and started drinking again the first night ( usually a fifth a night upstairs in his room).
He tells us now that he has a new job – and it sounds very good. It is great money, great benefits and it will help him finish school. We pray that this job is real because up until now he has lied about every one. He is sticking to this story so we told him he needs to move out. He found an apartment, we paid the security deposit and he is out in less than a month. By then, he will have shown us a couple of checks. Regardless, we know he can’t stay here. He has to start being responsible for himself, his choices, his life. He is going on 24 and really has never worked before. But, he is brilliant and very articulate.
We worry he won’t keep this job because of the drinking. But, he is on his own now, I won’t bring him back here because of all the misery he has caused all these years. He stands his best chance if he knows he has to rely on himself. I was and still am terrified he will kill himself but this board and others in my life have helped me see that we have done everything we can. This person is really not my son. Not the person who has been walking in his shoes the last 4 years or so.
He has always been difficult. He has a Borderline Personality disorder diagnosis and it is difficult to even find a therapist that is willing to put up with him. He is a master manipulator, uncooperative, self-destructive and frankly just downright derisive and nasty. He feels he has been wronged in life but he has had every opportunity and lots of love and support and it is his own choices and behaviors that have brought him to his knees.
I know this is hard but I think you have to just keep playing hardball with your daughter. Everyone here told me that if I stuck to my guns he would be forced to take over his own life. So far, it’s working. It could all go south again, but at least we reclaimed our lives and did all we could to help him reclaim his own. As long as we keep providing for them, propping them up, they will never stand on their own two feet. They need to change, not us. I know this is scary, I am scared to death. But, it is equally scary to continue the way we were. God Bless and I hope things get better for you very soon.
diane
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT MY DAUGHTER IS OUT OF JAIL WITH NO WHERE TO GO I AM AFRAID TO HELP HER I FEAR OF REINVENTING THE WHEEL I DO NOT TRUST THAT SHE IS NOT BACK TO HER OLD WAYS SHE CALLED STATING SHE WAS HOMELESS AND HAD NO WHERE TO GO THIS HAS HAPPEND TWO TIMES IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS AND WE ALWAYS TOOK HER BACK BUT SHE NEVER STAYED OR WAS SINCERE WITH HER ACTIONS I AM HOLDING STRONG I TOLD HER TO GO TO A SHELTER I STILL WAKE UP AND WANT TO RESCUE HER AND LET HER KNOW SHE ALWAYS HAS A HOME BUT AFTER 8 YEARS NOTHING SEEMS TO CHANGE HOLDING STRONG AND HOPING THE PHONE DOES NOT RING AND SHE IS DEAD I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART MY THOUGHTS ARE NEVER WITHOUT HER
It really helped to read that I am not the only one who feels as though the baby that I carried inside me has disappeared and that some stranger has moved into our home instead.
I love my son so much, and sometimes I have actually thought that it would be easier to deal with the grief of him dying than to look at what the immediate future holds for him- or even long-term future. I am so afraid for him. I now see that I’ve got to stop “enabling” him and stop supporting him and thereby, his habit.
Hi, PJ
Your story is so similar to mine. I have a son who has been
addicted to heroin for 3 plus years. He is in jail now and will be for some time. He has been in and out of jail for the past 3 years. I am financially drained also. I now work 2 jobs and pinch pennies even with the two jobs.
I really feel that you can not continue to do what does not
work. You must change how you deal with your child. This has been so tough for me. I also did not pay bail $250. and he is waiting for trial. I know he is shocked but I feel he has got to learn that he is going to have to suffer the consequences of his actions. It’s not my job to shelter him from his decisions. I really believe that he needs to feel this to make a change. I have had to realize that I could loose him – he could die at any time on the streets but I feel I have lost him anyway if he doesn’t make a change. I hope this time he will be determined to change.
HI KF
WOW HOW NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU OUR STORIES ARE A LOT A LIKE IT IS COMFORTING TO KNOW SOMEONE ELSE FEELS LIKE THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE WE DO WHEN WE ARE OLDER I REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH YOUR SON SURELY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WON’T BAIL HIM OUT ESP SINCE IT IS ONLY 250 I AM AT THE POINT I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO GO TO JAIL SHE CALLED LAST NIGHT HOMELESS IN A LARGE CITY AS A LADY OF THE NIGHT AND ASK ME WHY I WOULDN’T HELP HER SHE ASKED IF I REALLY WANTED HER TO HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE IS DOING SHE HAS NOT SHOWN UP FOR PROBATION AND SURLY HAS SEVERAL WARRANTS THEY CAN REALLY PUT THE GUILT TRIP ON US FOR ME THE WORST TIME IS WHEN I WAKE UP AT 4AM AND MY MIND AND HEART FEEL LIKE PANIC I KNOW YOUR ARE HOPING FOR CHANGE IN YOUR SON BUT IF NOT YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG OR YOU OR I WILL NEVER HAVE EVEN A SMALL AMT OF HAPPINESS WE DESERVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOMETHING IN OUR LIVES YOUR RESPONSE REALLY HELPED ME TODAY
UPDATE
MY DAUGHTER IS PRESENTLY A HEROIN ADDICT AND A PROSTITUE WITHIN THE ATLANTA AREA I HAVE TRIED SO MUCH SPENDING AT LEAT 200.000 ON REHAB SHE HAS CONTACTED ME WITHIN THE LAST MONTH SHE IS HOMELESS I SENT HER A ONE DAY STAY AT A DAYS INN THE LAST TIME I SPOKE WITH HER I TOLD HER TO NOT CALL ME AGAIN THAT I COULD NOT HANDLE THIS SHE SAID CAN I CALL YOU AND WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR I SAID NO NOW SHE IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND SHE HAS A WARRANT AND I HAVE AN 8000 BOND I MUST HAVE HER ARRESTED I DO NOT HAVE THE BOND MONEY SHE IS DEAD TO ME BUT I LOVE HER
My heart goes out to everyone facing the problems of grown children with addictions. My son is 30, he was 11 when he first started showing signs of serious trouble. I too have done everything I know to help him. In house rehab several times, I let him suffer the consequences when he would go to jail and not bail him out, and each time it was due to something he did while on drugs and alcohol. I have given him chance after chance. After a few weeks his old destructive behavior returns. Goes back to the same so called friends. He has threatened suicide so many times, cut up his arms, destroy doors, walls,steal,lie, and always blames others for his problems. I’m so worn out with it, all I know to do is pray for him. I had to make him leave again and this time have refused to allow him to come back. There are options to help him , but if it’s not what he want he won’t take them. He upsets the others who live at home and some times frightens my daughter who lives here with her small children.
We as parents who have done all that we can do and then some have to come to a point and say NO MORE. We too deserve some peace of mind and a safe and restful home. I know I did the best I could for my son. Loved him, taught him right from wrong, tried to get him involved in healthy activities growing up, always had a nice home, clothes, and food. I have released him to God, because the problem is more than I can handle anymore. I refuse to feel responsible for his self destruction anymore. I pray he will be healed from the battle field in his mind, but I have exhausted all my attempts to help. I will always love him, but I don’t miss the monster within. Hopefully, God willing, the monster will be gone and my son will be back. Prayers for strength to everyone.
It feels thoughtless to write this, but I’m so relieved to read my thoughts in your comments. Our son is 20 and a drug addict. We’re out of our element here, neither my husband nor I ever did drugs. We don’t know anyone who’s dealt with this. Our son was brought home after failing freshman year college. We payed all his debts and got him enrolled in the local college. He lied, stole from us, and when we found out he ran away. I cannot believe I raised this person. His lifestyle is so opposite of our values, I don’t know him at all. Reading all your comments breaks my heart. I’m so afraid we’re headed for much harder times.
Dear christine, when I read some post I read the comment to and I fond your problem. Iam sorry to hear that. But as a parents you must strong. Your son is a drug addict because their society in their live not because you and your husband. Everything always have a limit so be patience and don’t give up to direct your child to a good thing
I’d never be able to explain all that has gone on in my home with my two drug addicted sons nore my enabling wife. It’s nice to find this site to know I’m not the only one suffering. I WANT OUT but can’t leave financially or I would. This life and what is going on here in my home and a wife who won’t back me up sucks!!!
I have to disagree that addiction isn’t a physical illness; it is. Or, at least, it is brought on by underlying physiological issues. Rather than taking our son to a traditional rehab or AA where they try to talk away the problem,(which isn’t possible, since it’s physiological in nature) we sent him to a place that, through medical testing, attempts to find the underlying physical problems and correct them, along with providing some psychological counseling for the depression addictions bring with them. Hypoglycemia is a common underlying issue w/addicts, especially if alcohol is the problem. So are food allergies, most often to grains. (Again, if alchohol is the issue.) My son had both of these problems, it turns out, as well as others. He completely changed his diet, and began dealing with his other medical issues and he is now healthy, happy, and no longer addicted. Please do yourself and your children a favor: do an internet search for a ‘biochemical alcohol revovery program.’
my 2 daughters are heroion addicts and im lost, dont know what to do anymore. im lossing them help.
I sympathize and feel for all of u that r going thru this. I myself has and adult daughter that his a drug addict on meth and i do not know how to help her anymore. She is homeless, my grandchildren are in foster care due to her addiction and i am 1000 miles away from her and i’ve tried to get her to go admit herslf into rehab or the psych unit and she comes up with reasons not to do it. I have given up everything to help her my job, home, vehicle and money now i have nothing i’m trying to start over but i feel paralyzed because i am so afraid for her she gets beat up because of her mouth she has no support system there she hasn’t talked to her worker for 4 months because of the drugs and i’m going to lose my grandchidren because of this and the only way i can force her into rehab is i have to go there and file papers but i don’t have the money to go there to do this and i am so scared for her. I have tried to do the tough love thing but it doesn’t seem to be working because shes as far down as she can get and her children r not enough to get her to see she needs help. She has never lived this way and I have always bailed her out but now I can’t do anything i feel helpless and very much alone. I need help before i lose my grandkids and my daughter permanently. I believe she also underlying mental issues also she is extremely nasty to me and the people around her when she doesn’t get her way or she doesn’t like what someone says and she takes no responsibility for anything its everybody else’s fault.
Martha, your daughter sounds like my daughter.
My daughter is 21, and has 2 babies, 8 months, and 2 yrs. Both babies are in foster care. My daughter is an alcoholic. I have done everything I could to help her, but nothing is enough for her. She acts like I owe her something, and her problems are my fault.
I can’t tell you how many times I have had to ask her to leave my house, she has no respect for anyone, and not even herself.
Just last night I had to tell her to leave my house. I had offered her to come stay the night in order for her to be up in the morning to go have a visit with her babies. (She hasn’t seen the youngest in 3 months now). She showed up with a bag of beer, and for 5 hours continued to drink, and get more obnoxious as time went on.
I keep telling myself, I am cutting her off.
I have an 8 yr old still at home, and a 16 yr old son as well, at home, and I can’t keep exposing them to her behavior.
It’s so sad to watch a young adult waste their life. and know these 2 sweet babies are losing their mother.
my son is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He is 23 and i have been dealing with this for 9 years. I have done everything i could for him. He has been to Rehab many times. The older he gets the worse it is.He has been in and out of jail,and as soon as he gets out he goes right back to his old ways.He has robbed me many times,stole my credit cards. I have called the police on him but they don’t help.I have had to move many times because of his stealing.He does not live with me anymore because i couldn’t take it.It was affecting my work i couldn’t sleep. He calls me everyday wanting money.All the crime he has done and all the people he owes,I am afraid all the time. He always says he wants help, but when the time comes he wont do it.He hasn’t been to a Rehab in 3 years. I feel so alone, i have 2 other sons and they are at the point that they want nothing to do with there brother. I don’t know where to turn,i feel so hopeless and alone
I was amazed reading your story felt like you were talking about my son – my therapist suggested alanon have you tried that ? Maybe we could support each other if youre interested please respond we could email – mary
I need help, I have no where to turn, trying to be strong & not give in to my daughter’s plea for help, the stories are getting so unbelievable, but there is always that 1% in the back of my mind to help her.
She is in TX & I am in PA, my family is tired of listening to me, but she is my daughter & I love her – but she is not the same person I raised.
I’ve gone to a therapist but what I need is a support group who is going thru the same thing or has been there. Anyone who has time to respond, I would truly appreciate hearing from you.
sharon – i too need support and maybe we could write back & forth to at least share our storys so that we’re not alone – i desperately need someone who understands – this goes for anyone else out there who can be of help we could talk & support ? thank you…
Hi Mary, my daughter will be 26 in August,She is living in TX & I haven’t seen her in about 2 years. But she is constantly txting me for money. She has had so many addresses & the stories are unbievable but yet I can’t find the strength to say no. I do good for a few days but then end up giving in. I’m afraid to block my # in case something serious would happen to her. Life as I knew it is over.
Hi sharon – my son will be 28 in august – he lives here in town & now has a 6 month old son but he & his mom live with her parents becuz she is as afraid of him as we are – i never planned on one of my children turning out this way he just lost his job & comes asking for help & acts like a child having a tantrum when he doesnt get his way – my therapist says not to help he has to hit rock bottom & suggested alanon which i am going to try – he has a genius iq & can talk circles around anyone – my xanax was disappearing & he talked & twisted his way around me thinking he stole it so well that i now doubt he took it even tho i “know” he did – he spent all his inheritance & my mom now wont even ask about him tho i try to tell her hes sick & needs help – shes a jerk for thinking he should be able to grow up & raise his son yet i too go back & forth between gut wrenching fear of what he’ll do next & anger so intense i wana kill him myself…
My family is going thru this also but God is bigger than any problems we have and your prayers are more effective than we know!! God is in control – thank goodness
Karen
I know it’s hard not to give in to them. But we need to start thinking of our own well being, this depressed state is taking hold of my phisical health. It’s easier said than done, especially when my daughter is a master of manipulation. Like you said, you know what they are doing but start to 2nd guess yourself. Please Mary call a hotline when you are thinking suicide,it’s not the answer. I’ve thought about it too but my older daughter does not deserve to live with that. All we cando is try to stay strong no matter how hard,one minute at a time.
sharon i am not thinking suicide you misunderstood me – what i said was i go back and forth between fear of him killing himself & then i get so angry with him & how he acts i wanna kill him myself
karen – yes God is in control but in the meantime us parents have to be able to vent our feelings they too are real
Diane,
I am so sorry you have had such a hard time. I am in the same boat. Except my son is 37 and manic depressant. He until three years ago had a great company and walked away from it sold everything and now lives off our support .We have given him in the last two years $50,000 of our retirement. He demands, cuses us out and predicts bad things happening.He has no job and has lost everything but his house that is $1500.00 a month…He says he needs $3500 from us a month until he gets back on his feet. (when)?
He was on meds and said he had to come off of them because they were causing him other problems.
How can we resolve this without so much anger comming from him. My husband says he is thru….but i know when he comes back all sweet i will give in… I hate money.
c
I received a txt message today from my daughter telling me she is now in a group home for help with her depression caused by me accusing her of drug use. I am in PA & she has been in TX for almost 3 years now. She had at least 5 different addresses in the last year & as many jobs.. It is so hard to be strong when I feel like the blame is on my shoulders.
Blow off anything she says blaming you – its the disease talking – i’m waiting for my son to blame the air he breathes…
As long as you keep falling for the myth that it’s a disease rather than a choice you will keep be exploited and abused.
Once you understand that it’s a choice, then you can stop supporting and rewarding terrible choices.
As we note with clients, you only get to blame your parents until you are 18, after that you’re responsible for your choices and the consequences.
I am so relieved and saddened by what I have just read. Relieved that I am not alone in this and saddened by the destruction that addiction creates to all involved.My 20 year old son in on a flight right now to a sober living facility. He was in a 28 day treatment center,then transferred to a sober living facility thousands of miles from home to continue his recovery. He claims he was suicidal yesterday(something I do not take lightly) the facility transported to a hospital where he was discharged in less than an hour. The facility refused to take him back due to his liability and they feel he was just looking for a way out anyway. They were gonna drop him off at a homeless shelter,but compiled when I asked to take him to a hotel. I found another sober living willing to take him today. I feel this is the last time I can financially support him.
He too has a very high IQ and many of the behavior traits that have been described above. I pray he now turns his will over to God! Praying for all of you! Thanks for listening!
Unbelievable that you claim this is a choice…
Hardly unbelievable given that there’s over 50 years of research supporting the “choice” rather than the “disease” option, or even 1000s of years if you include the story of the prodigal son who cleaned up before coming home for the celebration.
Even AA belies its first step – if one were truly “powerless’ then the “Steps” wouldn’t work for even the 3-5% for whom they are a viable option.
It’s a choice, albeit a bad one, and frequently a manipulative, passive aggressive, and aggressive one, but it’s still a choice.
Changes brain chemistry – its a disease
That is what my husband has been telling me “She chose this path now she has to live with her choice” However,when I was in therapy. my therapist told me “You are not dealing with your daughter but with the addiction”. Either way I now know she needs to WANT help. And I need to stop enabling her,which is why I need support from anyone who has or is currently going thru this horrible ordeal.
Yes sharon my therapist says we’re dealing with my sons addiction & that is his disease & he has to be the one to acknowledge it to get help – she suggested alanon which i intend to try have you ? I get relief from the daily struggle knowing others know going thru this with a family member understand…
Exercise changes brain chemistry – is exercise a disease?
has nothing to do with this subject – i am here for support & to give it to others if i’m able – thats it
“Giving support” does not mean reaffirming myths, lies, and dead end streets… nor does it include pretending that adults, including our children, aren’t responsible for their choices or “powerless” to change.
Like all of us, they prefer short term fixes to long term solutions, but if we reward the fixes then we are to blame too. We too have choices to make.
didnt say any of that – your remarks are empty – i’m done but since youre so inclined to continue have at it…
Hi sharon hows it going ? We havnt seen our son for a while now which is a relief cuz i want a xanax iv after hes left – God only knows what hes doing & partly i feel relief i dont know but of course then comes the.worry – he could have a job but isnt taking it or so the story goes…any word from your daughter ?
Hi Mary, Yes, she txt me Saturday for “food” money, then yesterday for gas $$ for a dr. appt, I told her I could not send. So she tried again today, but I did not reply to her. She never calls or txt just to talk, how I miss the person she was before this terrible addiction. With her being so far away, I think that is the hard part because I remember the daughter she was. However, I know it would be a disaster if she were to come home. Seems there is no good side to this story. God Bless
Yes sharon i understand your feelings of loss – my son used to come over & cook & eat & talk – thats been so long ago – now when he does come its also for money & hes gone – well he also unloads his usual lies all over us as well – its sooo disappointing & lonely & i tell my therapist i go between sorrow & anger & she reminds me its the addiction talking – we also feel he has other mental issues & i’ve wondered as his mom how could i not of known ?
Mary, the same with my daughter, she was always the one to make everyone laugh, but I wonder now if she was hiding her true feelings. It wasn’t until she graduated high school when I noticed she seemed angry. She went to college but then joined the Army & received a medical discharge but never told me what happened.I’m stuck with her student loans because I co-signed. I don’t know if I should take a trip to TX to find her I feel I;m not doing enough. It’s so hard.
I wonder when my son began his addiction sharon – we just moved & i have been going thru pictures & many of my son – they are from his high school grauation & he certainly was acting healthy then & i too stare at them wondering if he was sick or an addict then & hiding it…what is your goal for going to find your daughter ? You know how she will want from you i wish u wouldnt go…
It’s not likely I would go to TX, she moves around so much I could never plan ahead,also, I’m not being realistic, I think I have visions of finding the girl I once new.
oh boy do i know that feeling sharon – the boy we once knew who wanted to be a part of our family has disappeared tho my therapist says he’s in there – hard to find him tho when his addiction takes over – there’s nothing wrong with having unrealistic expectations i dont think as long as we dont really expect them to come true – we are after all mothers…
I have a 30 year old daughter she is pretty and usually smart she had a good job then got a DUI quit her job went to jail had probation and court costs and restitution to pay for destruction of property that was 2 years ago she still isn’t working and her and her boyfriend (also non-working) live in my home and neither look for work am tired of slamming doors and fowl rants at her boyfriend or anyone else for that matter she seems very selfish and self absorbed with her and her boyfriend. I was just told by my boss that my daughter asked one of his contract laborers if they knew where she could get some dope, well needless to say that explained to me the weight loss not sleeping and extreme agitation and constant complaining about everything and anything however she never seems to see where she has done anything wrong makes it sound like she is doing everything and everyone is just too hard on her and expects to much from her. Her younger brother and his girlfriend moved down here with us to get a job and a fresh start hasn’t been here 2 weeks and already has a job and wants his own place while his sister and her boyfriend mooch off me and anybody else that will let them. I don’t know what to do have thought about taking home a drug test and if she refuses to take it tell her she has to leave with her boyfriend and everything else she has in the house and if she does take it and fails it I would have to make her leave anyway and where would she go and who would look out for her I worry all the time about her she is bi-polar with violent tendencies and she has attacked me on many occasions and I am 50 and have fibromyalgia and do not want to fight with her, so please what should I do
It’s hard to imagine why parents are surprised when “children” continue the behaviors they are rewarding. If you pay you daughter to lay around, be nasty and violent, and you support her and her boyfriend, why would you expect her or him to get a job?
Dr. Wilson you make it sound so cut & dry, but these are our children we are talking about. I came to this site for support,not to be scolded. I realize the $50 sent to my daughter is only adding fuel to the fire, but when your child is telling you she has no food or needs gas $ for a dr appt it’s hard to say no. It doesn’t help that she lives in TX & I’m in PA, so there is always doubt inmy mind that she may be telling the truth. At this moment she is txting me saying she was in the VA hospital for 2 days this week & needs $50 for a sleep apnea machine & has a blocked heart valve. I can’t talk to her doctors due to HIPPA but once again I’m torn between tough love & giving in.
Thank you sharon – took the words right out of my mouth…
Dr. Wilson has very “good” logical points. It’s a choice and enabling suck the life out of us. Everyone stories is great for support. I understand how many feel about not being able to say “no.” My brother is an addict for @ least 30 years, it has become a life style choice. He has burn all the bridges from our family, I Am 7th child out of 8 and we all tried to help him. He had his life together many times but “ChOSE” to go back to abusing drugs/alcohols. He has stole from family and is always “blaming” his issue on others or “bad” luck. He recently got out of jail and say he’ll stay with me. Its was very very hard to say “no”, even though we aren’t close. I’m sad and heartbroken for his situation be chose and I feel guilty. Sadly he WILL NEVER change. All he did is ask for money which he use for alcohol. I drop him off not knowing if he has a place to really stay, but he’s been living that life for about 30yrs that I know he WILL survive. Sadly he better off in jail with a place to sleep And 3 meals a day. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier saying “no” but I have to. I understand what everyone saying about support because these stories are helping me and I understand what Dr.Wilson is saying also. I don’t have much so I can’t afford to lose what little I have. I have to live my life. Thanks everyone
I do not disagree with Dr Wilson, It’s just so hard to follow his advise. My daughter also has burned bridges with family & friends who loved her & did the best they could. But as her mother I just cannot seem to close the door. It’s a daily struggle financially & emotionally. But I know I’m the only one who can make the change & I’m doing my best to stay strong.
my son was just arrested for aggravated dui & of course we didnt find out from him & when i asked him if he’s now going to get some help he started in on me with his usual insults & talking about everything else but him & his problem – i have had it with his sickening response to driving drunk & am not playing his game any more – i will not avoid the elephant in the room – i have no idea where he’ll end up but right now am so sickened by what he did & how he responded i told him to stay away from us
I have never written in a blog but for some reason I woke up this morning and yet again felt like I did not do enough to help my son with his addiction to pain killers (roxicet and oxycodone). My heart goes out to EVERYONE who has a child or adult child with an addiction and the addict too. My son’s boss told me in August of 2009 that my son was doing drugs. I asked my son about it and he told me he “tried” some stuff. I reminded him how dangerous drugs were and of all the conversations we had about drugs. He was 21 at the time and told me not to worry. Well I did worry but trusted that he was smarter than that. My son had never given me a reason not to trust him. We were also so close that I felt that he would tell me he was in trouble. Well, that day came at the end of October 2009. He had been making some bad choices..girlfriend…buying a luxury car he could not afford and his attitude towards me was awful. He told me he was in trouble and he was crying. I was in complete shock. I told him I would get him into therapy right away and he suggested suboxone to wean off the drugs. I have never dealt with a situation like this but I felt we were “nipping it in the bud”. Therapy went well for a couple of weeks and then his anger towards me made me so angry. What was he talking about??? He was raised with so much love, kindness and respect. I am not perfect by any means but I love my children and treasure being a Mom. So, he stopped going to therapy and was told he needed rehab….He said he would go but had certain conditions….I told him he would go and get evaluated and the doctor would decide what the next step was. He refused. As far as the suboxone goes…I went with him to the doctor ( he did not want me to go in with him) when he came out we filled his script and then I told him I would give him his pills as prescibed. He refused and said he had it under control and would not take them unless he took them himself. I felt like he was trying to deal with this himself and be responsible….. what an idiot I am!!! His behavior and choices continued to be askew. Life became hell for everyone in our home. His little sister was 7 at the time. His step dad, who had been so close to him barely spoke to him. He was disgusted with his behavior and drug use. I became depressed and didn’t know what to do. I really feel I didn’t have ANY support. I have always been a very strong person but this was kicking my butt. I did see snippets of my son here and there but mostly not. I was angry and in denial at times and I feel I missed the “windows of opportunity” to help him. Finally after many conversations and “planting seeds” as I call it I felt he came around. He broke up with his girlfriend who was very toxic. She went nuts and without getting into too much detail fabricated a story that she was raped leaving my home in the middle of the night and went to the police. My son was devastated and felt guilty even though he had offered to give her a ride home. No one in my town believed that story and my son kept reading things on line about it. He came to me Thursday, October 14th 2010 so upset and depleted about it. He told me he needed to get away and go live in a vacation home we owned. I told him I would support him 100% but not financially ( as he had been stealing from us for months). I was happy he wanted to get away from all these bad influences and start fresh. The next day he told me he wasn’t feeling well and I thought he was still upset about his girlfiend and thought he should go to work and keep his job until he had enough money to go away. I told him I would cut him some slack and he could miss classes but he should go to work if he could. He said ok. He sounded so down before he went and my heart went out to him. I told him I would make dinner that night and for him to come home. he never did. He left work before his shift was over and never came home. I was so upset and angry. Here we go again! He was missing and no one knew where he was. I filed a missing person report the next day. The cops in my town ( I don’t live there any more) kept telling me he was out on a binge even though he had never been in trouble with the police. I really felt something was wrong. I called so many of his friends and drug dealers. As the days went by I was sick to my stomache. My son would always call….where was he??? I was out of my mind!!! The police hung up on me and ignored my pleas for help. Tuesday morning one of my son’s friends that I hadn’t seen in a year or so showed up at my door…..I hadn’t thought of calling him…..he told me my son had been at his house and he was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital and it was TOO LATE….my son was gone…he died. It was so surreal that I can’t even put it in to words. HORRIFIC. I found out later that he was detoxing on his own and when he became very very sick his friends ( who never did drugs) got so nervous and did not know what to do. They were scared to call 911 because they thought they would get in trouble. What???!!!!! I don’t know how I survived this …truly. I was put on meds immediately and went to therapy twice a week for 7 months. I was in bed most of the time. I did get up to take my daughter to school and luckily had amazing friends that helped so much. I since have gone through cognitive therapy which has helped deal with the guilt and “what ifs” which are awful. I highly recommend that form of therapy to help anyone to think differently and more positively about a bad situation in their life. Again, my heart aches so much for people going through what I went through or the people who”s children are still here but not if you know what I mean. I start school in September and I hope to help young people who are addicted. My son is truly a beautiful person inside and out and his death will not be in vain. He had over 500 people at his memorial service who were so shocked and upset over his death. He was trying to change his life and never got the chance. Peace and love to all.
I cannot find my comment or any follow ups
Silvia,
I would love to talk to you. My son is 23 and been addicted to drugs for a few years and been to every rehab i found and even the most expensive that promise you things that are not true. Ive seen my son go through withdrawals plenty of times. How in the world did your son pass fron withdrawals and how are you still here to talk about it. That is my worst fear and i do not enjoy anything in my life at all anymore i cry everyday. Are there ANY success stories with these addicts.
I am so sorry for you, help me to live again and understand please!
It’s important to learn what actually works when people want to leave the drugs and alcohol behind and for most people traditional treatment doesn’t and research based treatment has far better outcomes.
There are about a dozen programs in the U.S. that are based on CBT, motivational interviewing, short term intensive therapy, assertiveness trainig, diet, exercise, and other things that actually work.
Look for them and educate youself so you can resist the hucksters.
Ed
I have a 21 year old son, who we forced to move out last year due to the constant arguing and drug abuse (pills and pot). He has got a full time job starting this year in March 2012. He was living with a family near his office, and continued to use drugs. He then moved in with a “friend” and was kicked out 2 weeks later, due to him using drugs. He then was able to get a loan for a car (we were letting him borrow my husbands vehicle). But then, we find out that he was taking out cash advances (not paying them back), and not paying for his car loan, had a speeding ticket and did not pay it, wrote some bad checks (did not pay the state attorney for the fines). We then get this call from our son, totally under the influence of drugs, begging us for help. He admitted to all of the above (he has been a habitual liar, so we never know what to believe from him). He said he needs help. So we allowed him to move back home and said we will help him with his drug addiction and help get his finances in order (we were not going to pay for any of this out of our pockets, but with his paychecks). We said we wanted control of his money and paychecks, so not only will he not spend it, we will be able to assist him with getting his life back on track. We took him to a rehab place, where they found out he had “insurance” and said the cost was going to be more than someone without insurance. Well my sons health insurance does not cover behavior health), so what is the difference???? My husband handed my son some cash (to pay off the loan amount for his Cash Advance) (I thought BIG MISTAKE!) He was living at our house for 2 weeks, when we learned that he did not pay off the loan, rather, he spent some of that money on his drugs. My husband got angry, then my son demanded that he get back his debit card (that his paychecks are deposited on) and said if we don’t give him back his card, then he is calling the police. Well, he did call the police, and they showed up. We told the police what we are dealing with, and he recommended our son move out before someone goes to jail. Well, my son is the one that called US for help. He is the one that wanted help with his finances and agreed just 2 weeks prior for us to help him. What the heck! He stormed out of the house with all his stuff (duffle bag, and laundry in a bag) and drove away. Then 2 days later, he calls my husband and appologizes. And now today, he is crying on the phone, stating he spent the rest of his paycheck on drugs and is broke now, and has no place to live, because the lady he was staying with does not want him living there anymore. He told me that he tried to commit suicide last night. He said he is so tired of disappointing us and he wants to end it all and this will put us out of our misery to constantly have to worry about him. He also said he wants to end it all to put himself out of his misery because he can’t stop the drugs. HELP! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to turn for help!
Forgot to mention, that my younger son as stolen from us many times (goes into the garage and pawns off power tools, stole some of my jewelry, and clothing items), just so he could get cash for his drug addiction.
We also have an older son, age 22, who is completely opposite, going to school part time, and working part time, pays for his car insurance, and pays for his car. He lives at home, and cannot stand what his younger brother is doing and has begged us not to let our younger son move back in again.
My heart goes out to all. Today I fired my daughter from my salon! I’ve been telling her I was done with her drug use, and if she came to work messed up one more time that would be her last. I did it! I also took her truck away that i had in my name. She Ran off the road with it today. I cant let her hurt someone else or herself with My car. It’s been one of the hardest day. I can’t cry anymore. Im scared because I know one of three things will happen now. She will get help, die, or go to jail. I’ve been helping to keep her life going for way to long. Shell be my wonderful daughter for a couple of weeks, and then the bottom drops out. I can’t ride the ride anymore. It’s killing me. I know I’ve done the right thing but it hurts so much. I feel a deep pain inside my soul. Two rehabs later, one overdose, and six car accidents and she still hasnt hit rock bottom. I’m hoping with me no longer enabling her she will get help sooner. God here my prays!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, I found this site, and read through, realizing I had found this blog before and commented above.
My daughter is still in a spiral, her babies still in foster care. She called me last night, saying she had left a shelter she was in for a few days.
Since I last posted here in April, I have found out, not only my daughter is an alcoholic, but she is also a prositute, and may have contracted hiv, at the beginning of this year. Her first test came back negative, and she was supposed to repeat it, but she is afraid, to get the tests, and feels she does have it, and says our family will be better off is she kills herself. She has made a few attempts this year, of taking her life, the most recent, was a few weeks ago.
I almost want to bring her into my home, telling myself, I could “fix her”. I know this would not help, but the mother in me, wants to fix her.
I feel this downward spiral, will never stop, or it may, with her killing herself.
My child is 30 and I worrie about her 24/7 she is on drugs and I cant get anyone to help as far as police or drug rehabs I believe she is a danger to herself. I have two of her babies 3 of the other are with there father. Can someone PLEASE help me to help her. Im a nervous wreck.
Adult daughter addicted to prescrption drugs and alcohol. Comes to us for help. Says she us ready to fav he demons and get treatment. Benn there before and she’s screwed us over. This time we think she’s sincere but her adult brothers are removing themselves from our family unit as they feel she is amusing us and we are once again allowing her to manipulate us. Very confused where our loyalties lay. I respect and agree with the boys…they have tried and she has screwed them over too. Yet as parents, we keep thinking maybe this time is the time. My gut tells me we would tell her to seek the help she says she’s ready for, without our assistance and support.nbmaybe if she proves her intentions and succeeds, our family can once again trust nd peace. Interested to hear comments??? Thank you
Brothers are likely right and in any case the question you need to ask is,”Why are we rewarding her behaviors which we disdapprove of and not their’s which we do?”
Should you still opt to support treatment remember that there are only about 3 research based programs in the country that have posative outcomes: Reuniuon San Diego, St Judes in NY, and St Greegory’s in Iowa. All the rest are just paying to go to AA which has about a 2% “success” rate with women.
I am going through the same thing as all of you My daughter has been manipulating me for over 9 years. She called today and wanted to see me I said what for and what do you need she stated nothing and I new she wanted something because last night she wanted 200 dollars and she I said no. She told me fuck you! Today I told her untill she goes to rehab I do not want to see her. I heard from friend of hers that she looks terrible and has sores all over it make me want to cry but I am sticking to my guns for now. Craig
The stories are always, sad, difficult, and similar. Even when they agree to “rehab” it is often only to placate and mostly, in rehab, they only learn to manipulate even more skillfully.
Please remember that most rehab programs have less than a 5% “success” rate.
There are programs which do better, perhaps 2 dozen across the country, but you will need to look carefully and listen with a very skeptical ear.
Any programs that will not guarentee, in writing, that they are not based on AA or the 12 Steps is unlikely to provide long term solutions.
Be careful out there…
My screen name is a composite of my own first name, and my daughters’ first names. My lovely older daughter is alcoholic, and her symptoms have become increasingly worse in the past year. Her father (my ex-husband) died of heard failure in August of last year, after decades of bad decisions (drugs and alcohol). The last year of HIS life was almost unbearable. Both of my daughters tried to set limits with him (so had I), but if they went to his apartment and found him in a bad way, they would bring him to my house, where we would feed him and care for him for a few days. Then he would go back to his apartment and start the cycle all over again.
I’m providing that background to say that my daughters both know that the end game looks like. Their dad, who at his core was a wonderful, funny person, gradually wasted away and destroyed his body and his life. And yet, my older daughter drinks until she is wasted, every time she drinks. She has the illusion that she can control the amount she drinks. And then she gets sloppy drunk, and somehow, some way, she has not hurt anyone or herself she gets behind the wheel.
Yes, all familiar territory to readers of this blog, I know, but so painful to a parent. She was drinking today (the excuse was that her younger sister and a friend had left her all alone for hours). As a result, her sister and the friend declined to drive her to a celebration tonight (which will involve alcohol; they are both responsible, and know that my older daughter will drink until she passes out).
My daughter went into a rage when she realized she was not going with them. The idea of spending Friday night with her mom was soooo unattractive! She said she was going to f— something up, and she threw the covers off of her sister’s bed, stomped on a home-made bagel (this was rage directed at her sister, who made the bagels), and screamed at me about how messed up I am. Then she demanded money, and a ride to the restaurant where the others were gathering. When I declined, she screamed some more, and then demanded bus fare. When I declined to give her THAT, she said she would walk , and stalked out the front door.
Two seconds later, she was back, demanding money or a ride. This went on for an hour or so. Eventually, she called someone, who agreed to pick her up. Then she went back to demanding money again. Angry again when I said no. I have given her money over the years, $20 here, $40 there, and trying not to know that it goes chiefly for alcohol. Tonight, I thought it was important to take a stand. I should mention that she also demanded her car keys, but I put the “club” on her steering wheel today. This is something that I have done periodically over the past 6 months, but since her drinking has accelerated, along with her inability to make rational decisions, I put the club on today for an indefinite period. She is not currently working, and although she “chums” me by submitting applications here and there (which I am convinced she does so that I will give her some money), she is neither working nor exploring sobriety.
I don’t know for sure how I feel about Al Anon. I do know that the people who come to Al Anon meetings are at their wits’ end, like me, and generally well-intentioned, and desperately hoping that SOMETHING will give them some relief. Well, me, too.
I also go to a support group once a week, that allows cross-talk, thank god. One of the frustrating things to me about Al Anon is that they forbid cross-talk. Of course, since anyone can attend, I have also witnessed some really weird “shares,” and have come to understand the REASON for the no cross-talk rule. My support group, by contrast, encourages members to contribute opinions, and I have been impressed by the wisdom of some of these people.
This is the first time I have ever contributed to any blog, except my own a couple of years ago (and that one had nothing to do with addiction). I love my daughters so much, and I think I would do anything to free my older daughter from her pain. I have taken to telling her that I love her, since I can’t think of anything useful to say (or anything that she would listen to). I know that there is so much self-loathing associated with alcoholism/addiction, and as one very nice man that I met at Al Anon said, I would so hate for the last words that I had with my child to be ones of anger. I am so happy to have found this site, because I cannot only talk to my friends about the fears and anxieties I have around my older daughter. I need other options. Thank you for being there.
To Ed and Mary Ann;
I like this blog site. Since Eons went away there is no one to talk to about adult children who are drug addicts and what we as parents can do to save ourselves financially , emotionally, etc.
What I don’t like about this blog site is the put-down towards aa and al-anon . These programs have helped thousands of addicts and their families. I’m not sure where you are getting your statistics from but I know quite a few people who have maintained their sobriety by going to “meetings” and working the aa program. If you don’t recommend the most widely available program what do you recommend ? Private counseling for the parent? I saw a suggestion to offer to pay for your childs rehab when they are ready ? Really?! What if you have already paid for 3 programs and you are fresh out of money? What if that is just another form of enabling the addict?
We recommend programs that actually work at rates far higher than AA’s less than 5% (and those are AA’s numbers or see the Orange Papers for the research links). For young adults that would be Practical Recovery in San Diego, St Jude’s in New York, and St Grgory’s in Iowa. For support Smart Recovery is available.
AA is fine for those who are very very immature and those who want to keep on drinking/using and Alanon is great for who don’t want to change their own behaviors or lose the benefits they get from a family members drinking/drugging.
Most of all, however, we object to AA’s long debunked myth that drinking and drugging are diseases, rather than choices. Yes, AA has helped thousands end their abuse, but it’s also preventing tens of thousands of others by implanting their cult mentality where it has no place.
Silvia; I am so very sorry about your son. He sounds like he was a wonderful boy for many years and you were close. My heart goes out to you.
I too lost my son Alan to an accidental drug overdose when he was 23. nov 4th will mark three years since my precious boy left this earth. He too was working towards sobriety . He had been clean for a year and a half before he died. He took a bunch Of his dads persription drugs and did not wake up the next day. He had gone to jail for 8 months a few years before he died and he got clean and stayed clean until this terrible tragedy. he lived in Alaska with his dad so I didn’t even see the wonderful young man he had grown into until he was in a coffin. I talked to him on the phone all the time though . I can still hear him saying “hi mom”:)
I am relieved in a horrible way that I am not the only one dealing with an adult addict. My 33 year old son has been using prescription drugs for over 15 years. I stay on edge all of the time afraid the phone will ring and what the message may be or if it is the police at the door. It is constant fear on my part each and every day. I have tried over and over to help him, bailing him out of jail, giving him money, buying him food, gas and etc. I am so very tired of everything. He is a good person, soft hearted and will do anything for anybody. He is a skilled worker and is capable of making really good money and does work most of the time. Again, he is always broke. He has recently bought a vehicle on his own but really wasn’t thinking right when he did it. Now he has a payment that has him in a financial bind. He does live on his own with his girlfriend but is behind on his rent and other bills. He just started a new job and has the opportunity to climb out of the hole. His drug use has taken its toll on him in so many ways it is unreal. I simply can’t bear for him to come over and have to see him in that condition. I told him just today to not come over if he was on pills, do not text me with his problems and I loved him. I have screamed at the Dr’s that just hand out pills, I actually thanked God when one of them had a stroke and was left bedridden. One lost her license, again I thank God. There are too many pill mills available and they will say I can only give you two, which two do you want. My son weighs 125 soaking wet and they gave him hydrocodone 300mg and xanax bars and told him to take as needed. That is enough to put down a horse. I am getting better about dealing with him but still am scared to death he will overdose. Thank you all for letting me ramble. All I can do is pray and hope for the best. I will never give up hope that he will change.
I am in desperate need of advice. My 35 year old son has been addicted to drugs and has had job upon jobs over the years lived in and out of our hone and finally over a year and a half ago he left our house on bad terns and we have not heard from him and now he is trying to get our attention by facebook i am afraid to reply as i know he is so darn manipulating his sisters are very clise to me and tell me you kbow what he is doing and they love me and dont want to see us go through all his drama only to turn away again we dont trust him and cant open our door up again. Is this horrible. I love him dearly and we have paid for counseling before but clearly it didnt work. He needs to want to help himself first
My stepdaughter is in a relationship with a man that is addicted to prescription drugs. She is in total denial about him. She is very close to her stepsisters and they are calling me and her dad regularly about his abuse. My stepdaughter is a lovely person that is trying to finish college. After living with him for almost 2 years she is behind on her rent, calls for power bill money, cant pay her car insurance, and is now in debt over $10,000. She has always been the thrifty one but now is being harassed by bill collectors. The guy is real smooth and had my husband convinced until just recently that the stories my kids were telling about him were untrue. We have heard some doozies…trips to the emergency room with rotator cuff pain, trips about abdominal pain, stories about getting cancer pain control patches & going into convulsions, suspicion of theft of $100 from my other daughter, other stories of theft and the most recent- using food stamps to get pain pills. He seems to be a functioning addict for now and he is working and supposedly catching them up on their rent and then tackling the huge credit card debt next. I think it’s BS but there is no way to know if that’s true or not.
The Christmas holiday is coming and all the daughters (3) come home the night before, we have a nice dinner and the rest of the family comes in the am and we all open gifts. My 2 daughters are refusing to come if he is there. If we tell our our other daughter this she won’t come without him. My husband will be heartbroken. It is causing problems between us. This whole experience has been an emotional rollercoaster since this relationship began. I have finally convinced my husband to talk to our daughter and let her know we are aware of the addiction and that we are not going to ignore it any longer. We love her and want her there but as long as the addiction continues, we cannot have him in our home. Is that wrong of me to say he can’t come?
My husband is going to hear a lot of denial when he talks to his daughter and I am afraid that he is going to cave.
Is there anything he must say to her to let her know that we are serious and she cannot deny this any longer? Is there any drug test that we could make him take to prove he is off drugs? I hear the stories on this blog and I worry that if we don’t do everything in our power to either get her away from him or help him get into treatment we are in for years of heartache! I would love to hear some advice.
We have a 31 year old addict daughter living with us. She also has her 11 year old son, and have been living with us since he was 5. We are at the point ot asking her to leave, and contacting CSD to ensure that her son is in a safe place before we confront her and ask her to leave. Otherwise, she might just leave with him and I worry so about him and what living on the street would mean for him.
She has resorted to stealing from us. I am not sure what exactly the addiction is to exactly, but she fits the profile. We did find evidence of pot but I think it may be more. She is difficult to talk to, manipulative, lies when she doesn’t need to, verbally abusive to everyone around her for the slightest offense, has no respect for our home and presonal possessions. She is constantly asking for money, can’t seem to get a job, and my husband and I are both sick at heart.
She is not truly interested in her son or his education though if you say that to her, then she explodes and maintains she does care. Then for 2 days she’ll make a half hearted effort to change. But it doesn’t last long.
We can’t afford to send her to rehab. We barely make enough to cover our expenses, and I no longer have funds in savings thanks to her theft. I have even considered calling the police and turning her in and I may still do so.
Has anyone else had that problem with the added mix of a grandchild in the situation? I would love to konw how you handled it and if there are things you would recommend.
Grandchildren are abouyt the most common lever “children” use to extort money from parents and making it difficult to turn them in to the police or Child Protective Services and so on.
But the only person being protected is the abuser. Please remember that their behavior is a choice and why should they change it when you conmtinue to reward it with money, shelter, child care, and everything else?
It’s past time to shift your prioities to your grandson and yourselves and permit the consequences she has earned to fall on her instead of the three of you. No, the results are not predictable, but continuing as you have is – harming you, your husband and your grandson and, eventually, your daughter as well.
@Leslie H – Leslie, I was involved with AA for several years, even became a sponsor. You exhibit the exact sort of tone every true AA believer I’ve ever encountered has when their belief is challenged. It reminds me of the same indignation the war on Christmas crowd has. I entered the program desperate, frazzled and a mess. I left the program feeling like I had led many people to the wrong conclusions about themselves and the choices they were making for themselves and have to say I ultimately damaged athem and took valuable time away from their recovery to feed my own idea of doing service to the Fellowship.
What you have to understand is that AA really doesn’t do what it says it will do. It claims that it strips away the biggest problem of the alcoholic, the ego, and replaces it with a self-effacing servant doing the work of saving other alcoholics. High minded, yes, also a bunch of crap. It really just reinforces ego and creates a dangerous mix of junk psychology and a perpetual stasis which no one can escape. As a sponsor, I had two people commit suicide because the miracle of enlightenment didn’t happen. If you ever recommend that another person go to AA, be prepared to accept their blood on your hands. It’s not even good faith healing.
One way to challenge the bizarre and unverifiable claim that AA has helped ‘thousands’ or more is ask how come chapters only order a very small amount of long time chips? With the over-inflated success rates, shouldn’t the hucksters (and I was one) be placing orders for 70 to 80% of the same chip denominations for people who will surely be saved from their alleged disease? But they don’t. I was placed in charge of ordering chips for several groups in three different states and it was always the same. We’d order around a thousand red chips (30 days) and around 50 gold (60 days) and even less of the others. I did give out a 10 year chip once and it was a pretty emotional moment. I don’t know if I was reacting to his sobriety or the fact that he had been going to that basement every Sunday for 10 years retelling the same story and never moving on.
I could get into a bunch of other stuff that’s been said ad nauseum, but you really need to stop reacting to any admonishment of AA like someone just dropped a bomb. This is why people think it’s a religion or a cult because the true believers all say the same thing with the same fervor. Imagine if someone said ‘how dare you besmirch amoxicillin!, it’s helped thousands!’. Always with the exclamation points with you people.
Worst thing I did in AA and the very thing that got me out? I started dating a sponsee and realized it was just the world’s lousiest pick up joint.
And one last thing about the AA chip system: always question the validity of a therapy that has to use shiny objects to chart progress. Different color stars were a great symbol of acheivement in 3rd grade, but to perpetuate that sort of mentality with an adult truly will result in arrested development, which is exactly how AA operates. If it were a valid way of dealing with a substance problem or a brain ‘disease’ then therapists would be rewarding people with bipolar disorder chips for taking their lithium every day.
Mark’s comments are excellent and verified by 50 years of research. AA harms far more people than it helps. And those it does help have to agree to remain in Peter Pan’s 11 year old’s never never land forever.
Hi – I am afraid for my friend. She has a son who is 43 years old and has a lot of problems – he writes her horrible messages saying he is going to kill her when she doesn’t agree to give him money. My friend and her husband have been enabling their son for all these years, that now that they no longer can nor want to, his behavior has become very violent towards them. Their son lives in another part of the Country, but I am fearful for my friend’s safety — who in their right mind would every write their mother “I am going to come home and kill you” when she says she won’t give him any more money? What do you think she should do? I think she should call the police of the FBI or someone who can at least document these threats and offer some kind of protection … do you think that’s a possibility?
Oh my gosh, your situation sounds so much like ours! Our 26 yr old daughter and her two kids (6 & 8) have lived with us for 2 years. W knew she was on something, but we didn.t find out until a few weeks ago she’s been using heroin for about a year. We found her drug kit in her room & called Child Protective Services. They came to the house the same day with 2 police officers, who we gave the paraphernalia to. Our daughter confessed to them, but nothing really happened. The police left, and we don’t know if they’re going to press charges. We wish they would, because then at least she might be court ordered to get help. CPS came back and interviewed the kids to see if they had been exposed. They hadn’t, but now CPS won’t even talk to me. I don’t know if they’re going to follow up or not. We are scared to death our daughter is going to use her tax return to take the kids and run. They’ve lived with us 2 years, the longest they’ve ever been in one place. Our daughter has a history of broken relationships and evictions. We feel like we’re on our own, and our poor grandkids are at the mercy of their addict mother. We’d kick her out if we weren’t afraid of what she’d put the kids through.
My issue is that my 38 year old is in a drug induced stupor. She is getting her drugs from social services. The nurse hands them out per the psychiatrist she sees for a half hour every two months. She is not required to have counseling and the drugs are free. Why is this legal? My daughter was once able to function. She laughed, worked, smiled, was active in family life. Now, she stares into space and can hardly talk. Help!
My stepson is 22 years old, has two children that he can’t see, has no where to live, no job, high school drop out, drug addict, etc. My husband and I are DONE. Done being held hostage by his threats, his guilt trips, his abuse, his lies, everything. There will be no more support, no more bailing him out of jail only to have him do NOTHING to help himself or take responsibility for his life. He is going to have to be responsible for his choices, choices to no work, choices to steal, lie, do drugs, drop out, not see his children, not be an adult. I found the following to be of some comfort to me today: “As of today, I will no longer be…
•an enabler to someone who has no self-respect or respect for me
•a rescuer to someone who has no desire to be rescued
•a caregiver to someone who is capable of caring for himself or herself
I can hear you asking, “But what will happen if I stop doing all these things I’ve done all these years to ‘help’?”
I don’t know, but let me ask you a question:
Has what you’ve been doing all this time been helping — really?”
I know how hard it is to let your adult children be homeless, to worry about what is happening to them. The point I’m trying to make is; they are ADULTS, they are responsible for themselves. I don’t believe, in my heart of hearts, that caving in to them out of guilty love helps them at all.
I am so sorry that we have to go through this. I am just keeping my fingers crossed and praying non stop that this time my son will change. I have to hope. It is easier for me to know I’m not along. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I will pray for all of our children.
I am here, reading all of the histories at this blog and besides of being reconforting I also found that all are the same. Master manipulatives young adults who live at home or used to live at home and perhaps now are homeless. My history is simmilar. I am here not for the support but for the ideas. Perhaps I also need the support but I became so strong. I know there are people who are actually praying for our children like we do. I started to became more and more strong to say no. My son is 25 with similar situations, high IQ and all. The only diference is that at least he does not ask me for money. He works for little money and who knows, perhaps to buy the drugs. Crystal Meth. I feel he was getting better because peace returned to our house for about 6 months now, but there is a couple of times that I enter his locked room. I know how to open the lock and he knows I am very resourful to find my ways to open the lock. I found as I said before two times the pipes with the white residue that is left from the meth. He things I am this mother who doesn’t know but I do my research and always find my way to know. His caracter is good and tomorrow he will have an interview for a job. I hope he get it. But when I asked him about those pipes he says that is not his but of his friends. So I told him that his friends are not allowed at the house anymore until I find out who ownes those pipes. I dont believe are his friends. I believe they belong to him. He was court order in rehab and he did changed back to the nice man he was and he is still nice and that is why I am not sure. But I cannot believe in him anymore. Tomorrow before he goes to his interview I am going to ask him to be home tested for Meth because I cannot trust him anymore, and if he wants to continue living at home besides that I gave him one month to start working and contribute at the house as if it was renting. If he does not accept to be tested, them I am going to ask him to move out. That is my tough love. Enough is enough. I dont cry anymore. My tears are all gone. He knows that I love him but I am divorced to many years and I know how to be alone too. I am strong and I feel that if I want my son back completely them I need to apply the tough love. Its hard but not impossible. If this is the only way to recuperate my son them I will do it for him because I know is not too late yet. I only have him. He is my only son. I dont have more children and I am 56 years old. Too old for this. I dont deserve it and I am not going to let this drug to take my son away from his own happiness. God help us all here. This is a cry for help I know and I simpatize with every one of you there. God be with you. Lets pray for wisdom.
HMy 24yr old daughter, her partner and my 2 grandchildren moved in with me about 6 months ago. They are both smoking dope. I have asked them to stop. Tonight, smell of joss stick to cover the smell. My son has told me that he suspects they are dealing as well. No large amounts of dope, but small scales. I wani,t to deal with this, but am so worried about my grandchildren. Have thought about getting evidence and confronting them with a threat to call police. I am so worried, I don’t know what to do.
These stories are heart breaking. Thanks to Dr Ed Wilson. I have always believed the positions you have presented. But when researching addiction etc, very little can be found to support your position. I am not buying into the disease theory. My heart breaks for our beautiful 5 month old granddaughter so prayer is all that is left. We sent an email/letter to our son/girlfriend and have given them 60 days to make other living arrangements. We pay all living expenses for them in another state. They are both “recovering” addicts. We provided a common definition of love and asked them to recognize that what they have is not love. The lifestyle they are living is not acceptable and good for the baby. We told them are hearts are broken and we need this time to decompress, rest, re-energize, and pray. We have not heard from them. For those of you dealing with this situation if you have BILY (Because I Love You) in your area call immediately. You will regain some of your life and sanity back. If not, go to the website there are a lot of resources. Stay strong and sometimes know that loving your child is done so by letting the go. Some people cannot be in the front row of you life, you must love them from distance. All the best.
Here’s a question for you. Both my adult sons are addicts…recovering addicts. Was it me? Did I cause this? Could I have stopped it?
Hi, My daughter is 32 and a alcoholic she has been for quite a few years unknown to myself, but more so this last 5.1/2 years due to her now having two children Molly who`s 6 and Gabriel who 1 year,I step in when shes having a problem to give the children a safe house till she can stop usually after being admitted to hospital as a desperate measure, this can be quite difficult for me and my husband (he is not her father) and he can be moody, and sometime does not speak! we And there always seem to be a do good who think they can sort her and help her stop, but they are being to soft and she will take advantage of them to carry on drinking, she is such a lovely girl and a brilliant mum whens sober, I have taken part custody with Molly`s dad, and been to court a few time to help her keep her child… but now there Gabriel to think of poor love! sometime I feel like I could just run away on my own for awhile. sorry to go on, but its helped to get it off my chest!
it’s amazing how many families have problems with adult children with drug problems…we are one of them…..finally, we have come to peace with “letting go” and “letting God”……and no we don’t belong to Al-anon either…looking back, we cannot believe how foolish we have been for years, giving money, lots of money and not seeing things for what they were, that is, being totally manipulated by adult daughter, now 43 with a child/5 and a loser partner, also a druggie….they have been to jail, lived in a truck, not being responsible with trying to make a home for their child, selling and using drugs, lies all along the way….finally we have woken up and we have stopped giving them any money and we have also told them our will has been changed in case they believed there would be money coming their way if we passed away. Actually we have been concerned of being murdered along the way, since there is quite a bit of money in our estate…..We have made peace with our situation, we have let go..daughter is choosing her life, she uses drugs, she lives a horrible life, she very likely will lose their son and go back to jail…and all of this is a realization to us and we also know we can do nothing to stop it…we are letting go of this attachment to her….she has her life to live and will probably continue living way past when we are gone…no money in our will to her because she then will be taken advantaged of if she had money, she was willed a lot of money from a relative some time ago and she and her partner blew the money in a very short time….anyways, we have gone through years of grieving, anxiety and guilt and you name it but the bottom line is, we were good parents, brought her up the same as her “normal” sister who is doing fine…it is not our fault our daughter has chosen this way of life, actually she showed signs of problems quite early on, we tried to help her, even got her interviewed for a drug treatment place but was told she wasn’t bad enough for their facility…her present partner is scary, he looks good, is good looking/preppy type and speaks well, and could fool anyone but he is trouble big time and it is scary…we don’t want anything to do with them now, both husband and myself are quite old and the rest of our lives we will concentrate on our lives and we are feeling quite okay having come to this point…good luck everyone out there with drug addicted adults….take care!
it’s great to read all the comments. i am a recovering addict and mother of a 17 year old son who is also an addict. i have lived with the same kind of behavior other parents here describe- my son has been let go from school and courses (he also has add), he has stolen from us, been aggressive, brought the police to the door and basically made life at home impossible. yesterday i put him on a boat to go and live with his dad in a different country. my heart is broken, i love my son, he has loads of lovely qualities but i can’t live with him anymore.
we tried so many things over the years, therapy, add medication, youth workers etc. my son does not want to stop using. to dr ed i would like to say i have been sober a long time through the 12 step programmes and i know many others who have long clean time through aa and na. i don’t know all the scientific or medical research about addiction but different things work for different people. i don’t believe addiction is a choice, people use for all kinds of reasons. who would choose to live that way? it is torture to be a slave to a substance, to be alienating yourself from everyone who loves you. it is a compulsion.
getting sober and clean on the other hand is a choice any addict can make when they are ready. alanon has helped me to deal with my sons’s addiction. they do not promote any kind of enabling, in fact i don’t think they really peomote anything except learning to love and look after ourselves and detachment with love from the alcoholic/addict. it’s so good to talk with people who understand. best wishes and prayers for all who struggle with this problem. sarah.
In my angst today over the abusive words from my adult alcoholic son, I found your site and read most all the blogs. I want to say a couple of things perhaps. It’s amazingly helpful to know that you are not alone in this and that so many other parents and grandparents are going through what you are going through. My son is 32 now and has spiraled out of control the past 4 years due to an ugly divorce. I would like to prepare you for the worst feeling ever….he was dying just last week in the hospital, I live 1000 miles away. That particular night, I had my cell phone charging (only way to reach me) and it happened to be turned off for the night. Nothing really was going on and when I awoke, I, like anyone else, turned on my phone to a brief message from my son saying he was in the hospital dying. Well, I called and called and called and finally (because of hippa laws) convinced a nurse to talk to me regarding his health. HE WOULDN’T ANSWER HIS PHONE OR THE HOSPITAL PHONE. Variceal Hemoraging with liver failure. He was literally bleeding to death and his body rejected the platelet transfusion. I was frantic but because I DID NOT ANSWER THE PHONE….my little master manipulator/passive aggressive little s o b would not take my calls. SAD! Sickening too. His estranged family (father, grandmother, etc) all came to his dying bedside. I was happy at first to know that they were going to be with him. They haven’t been around for years, never contributed to the support or enabled for that matter (maybe small amounts once in a blue moon) I’ll add here that my son’s father is an alcoholic too. Not one member of the family called me either. As I scrambled to get out of town and to his dying bedside, my car broke down, and I was unable to fly out……divine intervention????? I think so and I’ll tell you why…..As a mother, we are always here to pick up the pieces….I quit enabling him several years ago to which he hates me for. He’ll call me on his terms which is so unfair. I too provided a loving single parent home with all the amenities a young man could want for. It was after this madness and many tears and emotions that I was finally able to speak with his doctor because I was frantic I couldn’t get there…just in case….HIS DOCTOR TOLD ME TO STAY HOME AND WAIT….couldn’t believe what I was hearing but decided that perhaps there was a reason I couldn’t get a flight or that my car was broke. He did pull through, last week. We had a passive/aggressive conversation last night on the phone and he reduced me in his manner to a no good louse for a human being and that I should stay out of his life. It was so gut wrenching! Where was the beautiful man I knew from years ago? I rescued him last year and had to leave him….tough love. I mourned then and several other times. I agree now with the Doctor and am glad I have waited, as hard as it is, the fact that the addict is dying doesn’t even affect them because they are not thinking normally. They don’t really realize that death is final. I’m saying that I have resolved myself to wait until he has exhausted all the others in the estranged family as he has needed them for years…when I do pick up the pieces, I will fight to get a court ordered program and work on getting him committed to a place with “no conditions” on his part. These stories are so similar and I see him draining my parents who love him so dearly as do I. Not that I want him to die but his behavior and the mourning we do in our souls does not help the addict. The best help is to dis engage or dis associate…..The most loving memory I have of my son so far (sad to say) is when he held my hand when he was in rehab….no love before or since. Save your heartache, your sanity and yourself because they will continue until they are ready to quit. Now that the Dr. has told him he cannot drink or he will die….his reply was…it is my body. God Bless us all as we work through life or death….sad to say but I cannot take the abuse anymore, he has cost me my home, my work and almost my own life….we have to preserve ourselves. Long winded as this is, this was as close to him dying as ever and I have resolved that God knows what will happen and there is nothing, NOTHING, I can do about it…..It’s hateful to think that death means nothing to them as life doesn’t either. I am re energizing my soul to prepare for the worse, although it sounds easy….the truth is, it’s not but the enabling kills us faster than their own addiction. Don’t kid yourself, be true to thine own self….selfish as it sounds….I think it best. I only have one child…he means the world to me, but not in a negative manner….With the abuse from the addict, what’s the point of the last words you hear from them, whether by their side looking in their face or on the phone a thousand miles away if they are going to be of abuse…Love you a thousand times falls on deaf ears….I’m preparing for the worse and hanging on to the best memories…that’s all I have left, the rest is up to him and God. God help us all!
On those rare occasions when someone actually agrees to treatment, it’s helpful to know what program components actually work. You can find a review of the research at:
non12step.com/newsletters/july-17-2011-newsletter#more-1084
which is a sunopsis of Dr. Miller’s review of all of the approaches and their oiutcomes. Note that AA and 12 SAtep based approaches don’t even make the top 30…
Geez – I should wait to write on Saturday mornings until I’m fully awake and I’m doing better with my spelling – sorry about sunopsis/synopsis and SAtep/Step…
I suspect that my stepson manipulates his father by getting angry if his dad doesn’t give him money and pay his bills. My husbands mother had died, and unfortunately it was on right around his son’s birthday (his son turned 30). His son guilted him for not taking him out or reaching him on the day and my husband had to remind him that his (my husband’s) mother just died. His son was in the process of addiction to painkillers and didn’t bother to go to his grandmother’s wake or funeral because he was sick from the painkillers.
His son has struggled for all five years I have been married and my husband keeps paying his son’s bills. His son gets a job and ends up losing it because he blows up and threatens people. I think my husband takes his frustrations out on me at times and the whole thing has made the marriage distant and sour. I cannot say anything about his son or his son’s situation without my husband becoming extremely defensive.
Unfortunately, my husband’s son seems very sick. It’s not just addiction issues but seems like a more serious mental illness. He gets depressed and has anxiety but I think there’s more to it. Son won’t get help though his father has suggested counseling several times.
I used to think that addiction was more of a moral failing but there is literature out there proving that it’s more of a disease. I think my husband feels that his lack of attention during his divorce caused his son’s problems and he uses the guilt as motivation for encouraging bad behavior. The kids mother has cut him off and I don’t think that’s the answer either. Perhaps some limits and not giving the kid money unless he gets into treatment and psychological counseling.
Going through the same problems with my son, it has taken years to realize the decision and answers are with him and him alone.Most if not all parents blame themselves in the beginning and try fix the problem themselves, don’t! if they are young seek help.Sometimes one wonders if it is not better for him to commit suicide,the stress, tension and fear of whats is coming next is unbearable.Cracks are starting to show everywhere, it is a cancer that eats away a family.So much effort time and energy is draining the life out of us.95% of conversations are about him and what can be one to help.It just seems not worth it anymore, ultimately he must decide.
If your child is old enough send him away,you will worry about him but at least you wont be subjecting the rest of the family to violent,drug induced behavior, hiding your possessions away and having a fake smile on your face for a another child in the house.My wife turned to religion for strength and answers,i was thinking the other day if God resides in hell as it feels like my home is hell,maybe that is why prayers are not getting answered.
After having tried everything the answers once again are with him.He must decide when he has had enough.
Omg I am going through this as well I typed in search about wondering if my 32 yo daughter would be better off dead. She has stolen from me. Lied. N is a drug addict n alcoholic last straw was today when I found out the money I gave her for a court ordered dd program she took n gave it to some people she owed drug money too. We dropped her off at the program watched her walk in n we left n she left the past three years I have been consumed with worry I’m tired of pretending everything is ok n like u said I’m sick of my fake smiles. I am starting to hate her
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